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Michael Jackson is Very Very Very Very…
April 2005


So. As the trial continues, so does my roller coaster of C'est FUBAR hate, fear and anger. He's already ruined his own musical legacy for me; I can't even listen to "Burn this Disco Out" or my Jackson 5 Christmas album any more. He's on the verge of ruining Peter Pan for me. I have nightmarish visions of him moonwalking out of court, mugging and dancing and whispering earnestly about his plans for an in-totally-poor-taste 100% INNOCENT Victory Tour. And of there still being starfucking dumbshit parents lining up to get their children into Neverland.

And somehow, his abuse will be considered condoned by the media and public at large.

So let’s lighten the mood. Let’s have some fun. Because when the world is on your shoulder, you gotta straighten up your act and boogie down, don’t you?

Thus, I'm consoling myself with visions of how things would happen In a Perfect World. It’s facetious, yes, but I can’t tell you how sincerely I hope that there is the smallest grain of truth in there somewhere that will be realized as the trial heads to its close.

The Sound and the Fury of PedoPan

*A news show covers the Cult of the Wounded, Tremulous Starchild, showing very clearly that it is not "thousands" or even "hundreds" of supporters, as the Jackson PR Dancin' Machine would have us believe, but about a half-dozen complete nutjobs. On the show, during the filming, one of the Cult will go batshit when C'est FUBAR comes out of the courtroom, and will injure him/herself in some way (freak out, run, trip whilst shoving people out of the way, break an ankle). This will result in every person from LA to NY, and all of Middle 'Merka, declaring "Wow... Michael has NO fans left but a few insane psychos."

*As the trial continues, C'est FUBAR will keep on doing the swivel/flash the peace sign to the Cult. The prosecution will call in an expert to point out that if Mike was really in the incapacitating pain he claims, these moves would be impossible.

* FUBAR returns to the hospital for ingrown toenails, hives, accidental overdoes of St. Joseph's baby aspirin, and food poisoning. He whispers tremulously to Judge Melville that "It is real bad. If I showed it to you, you'd be shocked. It hurts very much right now as I speak." Judge Melville finally grows a pair and fines him. The defense squawks that this isn't fair, resulting in immediate media backlash.

*Liz Taylor appears in public and makes some vague remark about how she feels bad for Mikey, but doesn't really talk to him any more.

*A group of Neverland workers, seeing the writing on the wall (or having a religious experience or SOMETHING) finally decide to fuck the confidentiality agreements, and agree to come forward as witnesses. Their testimony, which will include grainy video and audio, will be so damning that even the Cult's claims of "It's not him!!!! He's being set up!!!!" will be laughed off.

*C'est FUBAR will be convicted of not only child molestation, but child endangerment. Judge Melville will rip him a new asshole. The jury will make the talk show rounds, giving point blank responses to how and why they found him guilty, and make it clear that his antics sure as hell didn't help things.

*Before sentencing, PedoPan will, in the same week, declare bankruptcy, then have a "nervous breakdown," attempting to garner sympathy for his fragile wittle life. Most people will respond "Fuck it, he's getting what he deserves."

*Anna Nicole Smith will give a speech at a public event, first slurring "Y'like my body?" then rambling about how "Michael Jackson is a good, good person, you know? If he really did those things people say, how come more people didn't, like have proof all those years before?" Ma and Pa Ignorant, eating their Hamburger Helper at home, will be watching this on TV, and will emphatically not want to agree w/Crazy Anna Nicole Smith, so even the most God fearin' Church goin' naive folks in 'Merika will be convinced of C'est FUBAR 's guilt.

*Quincy Jones, Justin Timberlake, Stevie Wonder, and Liza Minelli will have a fundraiser benefiting RAINN/child abuse charities, in which they destroy all recordings of FUBAR's self-aggrandizing "charity" singles of the past in a big bonfire.

*Bank of America announces that, with C'est FUBAR 's bankruptcy, they now own all of the Beatles' songs and the Elvis songs FUBAR had, as well as the entire Jackson catalogue (except for Jermaine's solo stuff. No one wants that). They sell Sir Paul and Yoko all the Beatles' stuff for the sum of one U.S. dollar each, except for "Hey Jude," which they give to Julian. Pricilla Presley buys the Elvis stuff and contributes to a Save the Music program with the royalties.

*Debbie Rowe sues for and is awarded custody of Prince and Paris when blood tests show that C'est FUBAR is not the biological father. In a one-off press conference, Rowe announces that she and the children are moving to a quiet Ohio suburb, and she's changing their names to Jimmy and Katie. Her final, tearful remarks are an apology to her children for making mistakes and being swayed by filthy lucre, and a vow that they will be going to weekly family therapy sessions.

*Quincy Jones buys all of C'est FUBAR 's music, and announces that from now on, 100% of the sales of anything Jackson 5/FUBAR-related will benefit an organization for sexually abused children. A REAL organization, that is, not a FUBAResque one.

*Janet will come out in support of her brother, and will attempt a "charity single" of her own to raise money to pay off his bills, but since she makes the announcement right next to Quincy's, everyone will mock the Jacksons as money-grubbing fuckwads who are trying to get people to pay for their fuckups. Joe will cry in public. People will laugh at him.

*Justin and Cameron get married and adopt Blanket. They quit showbiz, move to Hawaii, surf a lot, and every so often, pictures of them with a carefree child (now known as Bailey or Bayne or Barney or ANYTHING but “Blanket!”) running on the beach pop up in The Enquirer.

*Neverland Ranch will be put up for sale. The animals will be sent to various zoos/preserves. When the sale generates no interest due to the cost of running the place, the amusement park rides will be dismantled and sold separately. Disney will buy back the Pirates of the Caribbean ride C'est FUBAR has and destroy it, because no one should have a private Disneyland... Disneyland is for everyone. Jackie tries to buy the stripped-down ranch, but doesn't have enough money. Eventually, it's raided by vandals and torched. Arial news footage of a smoking, burned "Neverland" sign is on all the channels, all over the world.

*A real estate agency buys the land where Neverland Ranch was as part of a development. Within six months, the area is one of many "McMansion" neighborhoods, indecipherable from any other suburban sprawl. Part of the Ranch is occupied by a mini-mall with a McDonald's, Starbucks, Blockbuster Video, and Krispy Kreme.

*C'est FUBAR is sentenced to 6 years in prison. The Cult of the Tremulous, Wounded Starchild form a mass protest. News crews flock and carry live coverage. One nutjob stands on the steps of the courthouse and announces that, because the world can't recognize an angel like C'est FUBAR, s/he will take his own life in hopes that it will shock the world into letting FUBAR out of jail and overturning all charges against him. S/he pulls out a gun, aims it at his/her temple, and pulls the trigger. The grisly footage is seen on live TV. Several Cult members renounce C'est FUBAR and the extremist's actions immediately, and seek help.

*A huge backlash against violence on television v. people's desire to see "news" breaks out. With all the ill will against the Jackson clan, all it takes is one eloquent speech about "Should Janet Jackson's breast be the watershed event that turns this into another McCarthy era? Hell no!" The FCC backs off all their bullshit from the last few years, and Nipplegate is remembered in the same way as "Princess Summerspring Winterfall" or the Little Colonel books, something anachronistic with gross gender/racial/sexual implications that, now, doesn't mean much at all.

* FUBAR's lawyers try various appeals and attempt to have him "incarcerated" at home, at a Cupcake prison, at a hotel, and finally, at Club 33 in Disneyland. When all that fails, Bananas in Pajamas shows up dressed in one of his wacky ensembles, waving, peace-signing, calling "I LOVE YOU MORE!" moonwalking and pop-and-locking for the cameras. There are no supporters. The media there boo him. People throw rotten tomatoes. A group of people hold up signs saying "Show some dignity!" and "This Show Must NOT Go On!" FUBAR, unable to understand why no one is cheering for him and screaming undying devotion, starts to whimper and cry. His lawyer tries to console him, but suddenly FUBAR starts making "Thriller" noises and claiming his head is in terrible pain, terrible, you don't understand, it's unbearable, take me to the hospital, now, I can't go to jail, I'm IN PAIN! Medics have to be called in to sedate him. He's taken not to a hospital, but to a mental health facility.


“I’m melting…like hot candle wax!”

*Smoking Gun uncovers documents that show Joe and Katherine Jackson have been divorced for almost 20 years. With the whole "The Jacksons Sit on a Throne of Lies!" fervor, proof is revealed that yes, Rebie is raising Janet's child, Jermaine is really melting, Tito has been married six times, Janet's had more plastic surgery than Phyllis Diller, and Joe was sexually and physically abusive. Like, der.

* FUBAR's three days and nights in the mental health ward confirm multiple rumors as well. Yes, he has to use tampons. Yes, he bleaches his skin. Yes, he tried to bleach his privates and burned them. No, he doesn't have vitiligo. Yes, he's had dozens of surgeries. No, he has neither an ear nor a nose. Yes, it's a wig. Yes, that horror-show makeup is tattoo'd on. Yes, he's addicted to painkillers.

* FUBAR demands doctors diagnose him as too mentally ill to serve jail time, but all his antics before prove him to be in control of all of his "breakdowns." Four different doctors come forward and admit that C'est FUBAR tried to bribe them to give him prescriptions, waivers, doctors' notes, etc. FUBAR, screaming in a deep voice that "You'll pay for this! I swear, you'll pay!" is carted off to jail.

*Jermajesty legally changes his name to James. And joins the Peace Corps.

*After only two days of jail time, pictures of PedoPan, sans wig, makeup, sparkly Napoleon uniforms, umbrellas, and the like are being downloaded and forwarded faster than the Star Wars Kid and Tara Reid's frankenboob combined.

*The four remaining Cult members try to file a lawsuit against the state of CA that Bananas in Pajamas is suffering "cruel and unusual punishment," but as part of an anti-frivolous lawsuit movement, the judge throws out the case and sentences them all to a year of public service in a child abuse center.

*Katherine joins NOW.

*A former gardener from Neverland Ranch decides to auction off a shitload of stuff he snagged on eBay. Up for bidding are Single Gloves, the handwritten lyrics to Man in the Mirror, leaves from Michael's Wishing Tree, a can of Jesus Juice, the Macauley Culkin picture from the "secret room," a jar of Dippity 'Do, an autographed picture of Fred Durst, and three photo albums of Jackson 5 memorabilia. While the auctions attract lots of views, no one bids on the shit. No one wants it. Not even them.

*The elementary school in Hollywood changes the name of the "Michael Jackson Auditorium" to the "Alison Arngrim Auditorium."

*Weird Al donates his Michael Jackson parody song catalogue to victims of sexual abuse. He also performs an amazingly touching, yet catchy, song about being a survivor. Suddenly, Weird Al is hailed as a musical genius.

*In the cell next to C'est FUBAR's, Dominick the Brick cracks his knuckles, laughs under his breath, and waits....

 

 

Credit where credit is due: Thanks to the folks at CPMCoG, 'specially PinkDog and LittleEdieBeale for the FUBAR aliases. Gonna dance! Gonna shout! Gonna burn this disco out! Which is ironic, considering the condition of PedoPan's skin....

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