Yeah, I realize that Dwanollah bitching about baby names is
akin to a vegetarian complaining about well-done hamburgers,
but I just can’t help myself. See, all around me, family,
friends, and acquaintances are all going baby-mad. EVERYONE
is having young ‘uns… and sometimes it seems if
I hear about one more little Sierra Rose or Ethan Chi, I may
I mean, I understand how names’re important and blah
blah blah. And I’m certainly not advocating that only
very traditional names like John and Catherine be considered.
But, after years working in a chilluns’ section of a
bookstore in the early nineties, it was hard not to roll my
eyes when yet ANOTHER little Brandon or Ashley came barreling
along. O Nancy My Nancy and I actually used to keep count
of the Brandons, Dylans, Michaelas, Ashleys, Chelseas and
Briannas we saw per day. I’m sure their parents had
the best of intentions… well, maybe… but by the
time poor little Emma S² gets to, like, third grade,
she’s going to wish her parents had picked something
other than her generation’s “Jennifer.”
And little Freedom Dax Peckerhead is going to be in therapy.
It seems as though baby names would have an element of common
sense about them, but, in general, they clearly don’t.
I mean, The Husband-Type Man and I like to joke that, should
we decide someday that Spawning is the way to go, we’d
name our offspring after favorite literary characters: Frodo
and Dickon. Because then kids would come from other schools
to kick our kids’ asses.
But, see, that’s a JOKE. I love the character Dickon
in The Secret Garden, but in America, in this decade (or the
next), would that name really fly? Again, common sense.
Maybe it would help matters if there was a Yucky Baby Name
Police who could be present at the Signing of the Birth Certificate.
When the parents are asked “And what is the baby’s
name?”, if they should reply something like “Khryssa
Kaelynne” or “McKeagan James-Jasper Hunter,”
then all these sirens would go off, and people with Super
Soakers and a big butterfly net would come swooping out from
secret hidden doors, crying “Alas, alas, the child must
I’m not saying I hatehateHATE every Skyler and Lucas
in the world; the Kidlet’s name is Sklyer, in fact (which
might be part of the reason why I call her the Kidlet instead).
And I’m not saying all “unusual” names suck,
or every single person who names their kid Connor True should
be automatically bitch-slapped. For instance, my uncle is
named Dayne. I think this is an absolutely beautiful name.
Gram picked that name because we’re Danish, and she
thought “Dayne” looked better than “Dane.”
On the surface, this breaks several Cardinal Rules of Baby
Naming: cre8tiv spelling (TM The
Bad Baby Names Forum, where I get the best names for my
Sims….), superfluous use of the letter “y,”
Of course, Uncle D was born in, like 1950, not 2001, so that
stuff wasn’t the same overly-trendy, overly-cutesy,
overdone overused issue it is now. Now… now there’re
the gushing parents-to-be who come up with such impractical
and frightening things like
“Cody Blayr, Brylee Karsyn, Brayden Tanner and Kailyn
It’s enough to make one writhe and groan in agony.
Or to come up with a Super-Judgmental and Opinionated batch
of Rules for Naming Babies! Yeehaw!
1) Don’t name your baby after a soap opera
For pity’s sake, wasn’t the onslaught
of Kaylas and Peytons enough?! I’m not talking
about basic names that are also popular TV characters
– the name Rachel isn’t ONLY associated
with Friends. But the super-kewl-wonkied-up names from
daytime TV…? Sheesh! Brock is the sound a chicken
makes! Decker is a power tool brand! There are too freakin’
many Hannahs and Olivias already! Stop with crap like
Alistair, Arielle, Cassidy, Chloe, Colton, Cricket,
Evan, Frisco, Hart, Hawk, Holden, Hutch, Kendall, Jax,
Justus, Lucas, Morgan, Pierce, Rafe, Ridge, Savannah,
Thorne, and Zane! Hell, don’t name your kid Dawson,
Pacey, Chandler, Felicity, Frasier, or Emeril either.
These names just send the message (whether accurate
or not), “Hey, my mom/dad sat on her/his ass watching
TV for the last nine months!”