C'est Cheese!

 

 

 

Yeah, so, I really HAVE spent the last month working on a Duran Blather. It’s coming along slowly, but dang it… it’s a big subject for me, ‘kay?

In the meantime, so I don’t leave y’all hangin’, I was recently inspired by an innocent Mediarama post over at the Interim Boards.

Thus, I give you all:

Dwanollah’s List of Favorite 90210 Episodes!

Season One

"Every Dream Has Its Price (Tag)": In this episode, Brandon goes to work at a restaurant where Doris from Fame is the manager, and Brinda starts hanging out with Bad Ol’ Tiffany, the poor little rich girl who shoplifts. This episode is gloriously rife with 90210 stereotypes…. Brandon tries to save the Poor Mexican/Asian Others who work at the restaurant and aren’t paid as much as he is in all his White Beverly Hills Boy-ness. Brinda struggles with jealousy as Kelly and Tiffany hand over charge cards for expensive designer clothes. Boy, glad to see 90210 was creating unconventional, deep characters and plots, huh?

"Higher Education": Ah, Brandon kissing the ass of the badly-dressed mean ol' history teacher. This episode’s groovy because Donna's a major bitch, raggin’ on Mr. Danzel’s circa 1972 wardrobe… you know, before they'd all decided on the St. Donna route.

"B.Y.O.B": The Big Parties episode. First there’s the blowout at Donna’s – of course, in which 1) Donna isn’t at all like the Sweet Innocent Virgin we came to know… I mean, Donna Martin? Having a drunken brawl? And 2) the house isn’t at ALL like the Martin Mansion! – where Stevie spikes Brandon’s drink (because the only way Brandon'll do Bad Things is if it's forced upon him [see also U4EA]). And then while Jim and Cindy are away getting hit on by the skeevy swingin’ Texas twosome in Palm Springs or wherever, Brinda and Brandon have a blowout bash of their own… and Brandon gets drunk, tries to mack down on Ohndrea, and totals Mondale. Woo hoo!

"Slumber Party": If ever there was a 90210 classic…! The slumber party itself is great… but I especially love Skeevy Stevie getting his car ripped off by two Hott Chixx and crying all over the place about it.

"Fame is Where You Find It": Speaking of classsic…. Brandon gets on the teen TV show "Keep It Together" and Brinda does "Laverne" at the Peach Pit.

"April is the Cruelest Month": Brandon saves Chandler Bing. And Donna, because she bombed the SATs, turns into a "bad girl" until it’s discovered that poor St. Donna really has a LEARNING DISABILITY! She’s not a big slutty dummy after all!

"Spring Dance": Could Kelly the Queen BE any more bitchy? Could Stevie BE any more of a spoiled brat? And Brinda and Dylan doinking between dances is too, too funny… I mean, how did Brinda keep her hair in that perfect upsweep? And then to boingiddy back into the ballroom to announce "I did it!" to your best friends…? Um….

Season Two

"Pass/Not Pass": One of the summer eps, in which Brinda and Ohndrea both have a crush on Lil’ Elvis, their drama teacher. Brandon’s particularly self-righteous, too, when he buys his dream car... and it horks on him on the drive home. Ha! Ha! Ha!

"Wildfire": Introducing Emily Valentine! This episode is worth it alone for Brinda snipping "How fun! A hootenanny!"

"Down and Out of District in Beverly Hills": I love this for the Kristy Swanson look-alike slattern who gloms onto Stevie for his money. The whole "can I look at your clothes?" scene with her and Brinda is priceless! And, of course, there’s the whole thing with Ohndrea and her Could-She-Be-Any-More-Stereotypical-Jewish-Grandma Rose (Mach I) battling it out when the school’s investigating Ohndrea’s living situation.

"The Next 50 Years": Dead Scott! Dead Scott! Mrs. Scanlon is my favorite character ever! And I actually think the anger and the whole "why are you pretending you care now when you didn’t care when he was alive?" stuff about Dead Scott was pretty accurate and unconventional… especially for 90210.

"U4EA": Brandon is again intoxicated without his knowledge… this time by Emily Valentine, who takes the BH gang to a rave that is tamer than the Hypocrite High dances I used to go to. And Brandon again tries to mack down on Ohndrea, because I guess that must be the thing to do when he’s bombed, huh?

"Chuckie’s Back": The fraudulent "Hartley House" reunion! Good stuff… and I especially love Samantha Sanders and the fake-o way she calls Stevie "gorgeous." Oh, and Donna kissing Davy at the dance before announcing all defensively "I LIKE him, OKAY?!"

"Fire and Ice": Brandon crushes on a figure skater. It’s all the typical figure-skating-cliché shit, too… so much PRESSURE and she has NO SOCIAL LIFE EVER and she’s never even eaten A TWINKIE because she CAN’T because SHE’S A FIGURE SKATER and figure skaters NEVER EAT ANYTHING BUT BROILED CHICKEN AND STEAMED VEGGIES! But Tia Babilonia and Randy Gardner make guest appearances (as does Dick Button, but I hate his fat, bald guts), which is groovy. But the best thing ever is Cindy dressing up as a Beverly Hills Bitch to kick the ass of Brinda’s clothing-store boss.

"Meeting Mr. Pony": Brinda’s post-traumatic stress syndrome after being robbed at gunpoint. This is one of those 90210 Anomalies… an episode that actually takes an interesting look at the mental state of a character in an impacting and semi-realistic way… although the screaming during mid-terms was way over the top.

"Things to do on a Rainy Day": The gang stalks Color Me Badd. Oh, wow! And Donna, dressed in scary-ass (no pun intended) argyle hot pants, catches Felice with Another Man at the hotel.

Season Three

"Too Little, Too Late/Paris 75001": a summer ep. Brinda, after sneaking around with Dyl-head, has been packed off to Paris with Donna. This is the famous "it’s brains" episode. Whatever. What makes this episode really great is Ohndrea, now a counselor at the BH Beach Club, yells at Self-Righteous Brandon for thinking he’s soooo irresistible and kicking his grody butt to the curb.

"Shooting Star/American in Paris": Brinda meets Monsieur Reek in Paris. And Brandon tries to save that Gulf War vet back in BH. This episode is also special because Davy yodels "Precious"… oh my!

"A Song of Myself": The first day of Senior Year! There are so many gross and offensive things that happen in this episode… that pig Gil Myers demoting Ohndrea in favor of Brandon… Donna and Nikki "testing" Davy’s fidelity to Donna (after he’d already blown it over the summer)… Dylan dicking Kelly over and lying to Brinda…. And I love Kelly all Depressed and Moody, too.

"The Back Story": Oh yeah, Brinda talks to a tabloid TV reporter about West Beverly, and the reporter makes it look like she talked shit about everyone, and all her friends dump her as a result. This is the first hint that Brinda is Too Good for Beverly Hills and the BH Gang, and will soon move on to Bigger and Better Things. Oh, and Brandon is SUCH a tool to poor lil’ Nikki….

"A Presumption of Innocence": The really creep-oid episode where Sue Scanlon, Dead Scott’s wild little sister, reveals she’s been abused by her uncle. Not only is Mrs. Scanlon just awesome in her Stepfordness, but this ep contains the classic Brinda observation about sexual abuse: "How unbelievably awful!" Riiiight, Bren.

"Destiny Rides Again": Donna consults Father Chris about whether or not to doink Davy. And Brinda runs into Reek at the video store and starts seeing him again… still pretending to be French. Quel frommage! And now that Bren’s dumped him, Dylan’s free to pursue Kelly, because, you know, it’s now convenient. Despite the fact that Rosie O’Donnell makes an appearance, I still dig this episode.

"Rebel With a Cause": Isn’t watching Big Jimbo get all horny over Dottie the Temp totally funny? And of course, there’s the whole "Well, Kelly, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck…" interchange when Brinda and Reek run into Kelly and Dyl-head at a restaurant. And this is the ep where Dylie and Kelly go to the Griffith Observatory and mack down.

"Back in the High Life Again": Otherwise known as the Brinda Stomp episode. "Look, I hate you both! Never talk to me again!"

"The Child is the Father to Man": This is one of my favorite episodes. I gotta give Luke Perry credit…. And I LOVE the scene where he’s screaming at his projected dark side, and discovers it’s his Inner Child instead. Again, it’s one of those "90210 Anomalies that actually takes an interesting look at the mental state of a character in an impacting and semi-realistic way."

"Perfectly Perfect": Kelly all hyped on diet pills (didn’t she learn ANYTHING from Amanda at the slumber party?!) turns into an insane bitch before passing out in the Peach Pit bathroom during her birthday party. Rock on!

"Senior Poll": Kelly continues to whine and be self-centered and dysfunctional. I also love how the whole St. Donna the Perfect is being crammed down our throats… Donna wins not one, not two, not three but FOUR Senior Poll categories… and Brinda doesn’t even win one. I close my eyes through the Steve-Wins-the-Halftime-Court-Shot bit, though….

"A Night to Remember": Senior Prom! Woo hoo!

"Something in the Air": Three words: "Donna Martin Graduates!"

Season Four

This is my favorite season of 90210... the first year of college! Awright!

"So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye"/"The Girl From New York City": The first ep of Season Four. Kelly stomps out on Dylan in Paris, Brandon saves Jill the NY Rape Victim, "Cousin Brinda" goes to Minnesota. Donna, Kelly and Davy rent The Beach Apartment. Ohndrea bails on Yale and gets chewed out by that asshole Gil Myers. Brinda can’t hack UM and runs back to LA after getting slagged by her so-called friends. This is riches, man!

"The Little Fish": More Starting College Stuff. Ohndrea just suddenly decides she’s premed simply because she can’t get into journalism classes and has to write a bad review of the Peach Pit. Now THAT’S the way to make a decision! And Donna and Davy do that HORRIBLE audition for the campus radio station; the mistaking-the-non-English-speaking-guy-for-the-station-manager and the resulting babble is just HIDDY! Oh, and Brinda pouting around the house and fishing with Dyl-head… gee whiz, I love this episode!

"Greek to Me": Even More Starting College Stuff… this time the whole sorority/fraternity thing.

"Radio Daze": The Freshman Pool Party! Brinda fucking up her new job at Daddy’s Office! Stevie fucking over Celeste! Dylan fucking over Kelly and Kelly fucking around on Dylie! And Dan the English TA disses Ohndrea’s essay and, of course, praises St. Donna’s one about shoes. And then Davy gets pissed at Donna for getting the afternoon radio show… which, of course, she’s BRILLIANT at. Because she’s Donna. Wow… I could live happily with just Season Four….

"Strangers in the Night": Ohndrea doinks Dan. Brinda meets Stuart Carson. Dylie gets carjacked ("Aaaaargggggg..."). Did I mention I LOVE Season Four?

"Otherwise Engaged": Stuart presents Brinda with a prenup. Stevie cheats on Celeste with Freaky Laura. Davy is all drugged out and angry. Brandon doinks around with Married Lucinda. And he tries to tutor D’Shawn, who’s big, dumb, black, lazy and athletic, and grins a lot. All that’s missing is a watermelon. Jeebus.

"Take Back the Night": This is worth it for the whole A Hillster Boy Can’t POSSIBLY Be a Rapist! angle when the Gang sets out to free Stevie from Freaky Laura’s evil, diabolical, twisted clutches.

"Radar Love": The Thanksgiving episode in which Brandon just HAPPENS to run into Emily Valentine in San Francisco. What San Francisco local actually travels by cable car, huh? Oh, and Kelly gets all pissy at Dyl-head during the Traditional Walsh Family Dinner.

"The Labors of Love": Quintessential 90210. Jesse steamrollers Ohndrea when she considers abortion… because only slutty bad girls have abortions! Brandon sulks and pouts because he’s not being Worshipped for saving Nat and the Peach Pit… especially when Dylan swoops in and rescues the place by buying it. Druggie Davy treats Dumped Donna like utter shit… and she lets him because she LOVES him! And the Hillster Grrls take Bitter Married Lucinda’s anthropology course. Good fun.

"The Time Has Come Today": The hokey 60s Diary episode. Again, Brinda's too good for Hillsterland. And I want to be the girl with the tambourine.

"Divas!": Woy Wandolph and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof! Watch Brinda and Kelly be bitchy! For that matter, watch Stevie (who’s coaching Freaky Laura for auditions) be bitchy too! And as a bonus, this is the episode where Clare comes over to seduce Brandon and does her Naughty Dance in a beret and then handcuffs herself to his bed.

"Acting Out": more Woy Wandolph. And Clare’s senior prom. Yeah. Season Four KICKS ASS!

"Truth and Consequences": Even More Woy Wandolph. Freaky Laura REALLY freaks out. The suicide scene is lame, but I LOVE this episode for the part where Woy fires her from the play and she goes all Massively Freaky with her wonky eyes and punches Stevie and has Evil Hysterics. And there’s more Kelly being bitchy about Brinda and Dyl-head, which is always good.

"Mr. Walsh Goes to Washington": It just gets better and better…. I prefer the second half of this 2-hour season finale m'self… Kevin and Suzanne stealing Dylie’s money and Erica leaving him that note in the LAX bathroom. Kelly and Brandon being super-self-centered and dysfunctional in Washington D.C. Ohndrea having Hannah. Davy and Donna at the Mardi Gras carnival and Davy doinking Ariel in the limo after the Babyface show. Brinda dashing off to London. Yeah!

Season Five

Prolly my second-favorite season of 90210....

"Under the Influence": The second ep of the season…. This is one of the Uber-Felice episodes, too, in which Donna’s gonna be a debutante in Houston, and Felice has her do the "Texas Dip" bow at some fund-raiser and then later berates her for dancing with D’Shawn (who, thankfully, is less dumb and lazy and grinning by this point). And then Dylan shows up all drunk and belligerent and bitches out "my best friend and my best girl" because he’s soooo angst-ridden!

"Rave On": Donna meets Ray Pruit, white trash construction worker and rock ‘n roller (*snicker*) extraordinaire. And Val, newly arrived in Hillsterland, is all pot-smokey and dancing between Stevie and Dylie… and Kelly’s all pissy and self-righteous about it. And there’s the big rave at the Peach Pit, of course. As if.

"Up in Flames": Yeah, the Crispy Lesbian episode! Stevie bungles the abandoned house rave, and cries in the lawyer’s office and yells at the Poor Mexican Other who made all the food. Emily Valentine returns AGAIN and she and Brandon have another go-around, while Kelly and Allison the Lesbo get trapped in the bathroom during the big house fire and scream and recite "The Lord’s Prayer"…. Again, classic 90210….

"Christmas Come This Time Each Year": Tidings of comfort and joy for all…. Uber-Felice tries to buy off Ray Pruit! Ray’s white trash Momma LuAnne smokes a lot! Jonesy shows up to help Dylan rescue his money… and Erica! Also, Jesse and Ohndrea prove that they’re both immature brats who never should’ve gotten married as they scream at each other about Christmas and Hanukkah. And poor, burned Kelly pouts and sulks and makes Brandon feel guilty.

"Sentenced to Life": Another 90210 Anomaly, with Milton Berle’s guest appearance. This is actually a fairly sensitive and well-acted episode… especially considering that the Alzheimer’s plot includes Poor Little Rich Boy Stevie Sander.

"Hazardous to Your Health": Dylie and Val and Jonesy save Dylie’s money and Erica down in Mexico. And Kelly gets all wrapped up with Professor Finley and the New Evolution cult.

"Stormy Weather": Dylan and Brandon try to save Brainwashed Kelly from evil Professor Finley. There’s lotsa doinkin’ around in this episode… Dylan stalking Kelly… Finley stalking Dylie’s money…. Cheatin’ Peter stalking Ohndrea at the hospital… Valerie stalking White Trash Ray…. And as a special treat, there’s the New Evolution "Melledding"!

"Unreal World": Soooo hokey. The Hillsters pretend to be a group of "Real World"-like roomies for Davy and Clare’s video project. It’s just so laughably bad. Donna’s British accent. Brandon’s fake-Puck/"Tuck" routine. Kelly getting hammered on vodka-spiked watermelon. And Ohndrea, fully Otherized, stays at home to refinish a chair with Jesse… and rekindle their lurve.

"Girls on the Side": Spoiled, selfish Kelly whines when she gets the framed cover of the Seventeen magazine that she appeared on pre-fire, because now she has this OOGEY little BURN MARK on her neck and will NEVER look like that beautiful girl AGAIN! Yeah, my heart bleeds. Thankfully, she runs into the Crispy Lesbian’s ex-girlfriend, who rips her a new one. And speaking of ripped, LuAnne gets ripped for Ray’s big show at the PPAD and calls Val "that little TRAMP!". Fun, fun, fun!

"Hello Life, Goodbye Beverly Hills": This episode is great not only for Ohndrea’s Big Goodbye, but for White-Trash Ray going ape-shit on Donna at the going-away picnic because she’s "spoiled" because she won’t leave her friends and come with him in his ratty pickup truck and all that.

"P.S. I Love You": Just pretend the whole Stevie and the Transvestite thing doesn’t happen, okay? Otherwise, there’s a wealth of great stuff, like Allison the Crispy Lesbian mooning over Kelly and Brandon getting drunk and Steve manhandling Brandon in the pool to such an extent that the girl he likes asks Val "he DOES like girls, right?" and, especially, Ray jumping Donna’s shit for what she wears (or doesn’t wear) and then throwing her down the stairs at the Palm Springs KEG/Alpha dealie. And this ep also contains one of my all-time fave lines, when Donna sobs to Ray "I bought [that bathing suit] for YOU! You can ask Kelly, she was there! I’m mean, everything I buy, I’m always, ‘Well, Ray will like it!’ Look, if you want me to dress different, just tell me and I will, okay? *sob sob*"

Season Six

This is where things started to really head downhill. Rapidly.

"One Wedding and a Funeral": Dylan’s Dead Wife.

"Fade In/Fade Out": Kelly gets dicked over by Daddy… again. And of course is soooo traumatized that she has to start doing coke with Arty-Boy Colin. Oh, and Joe’s got a heart problem, so Donna has to Save him.

"Bleeding Hearts": Lots of coked-out Kelly! And Donna keeps Saving Joe. And Ginger shows up to try to seduce Davy away from Val, and Davy reads that HORRIBLE Valentine’s Day poem. And there’s the completely useless 24-hour "sex out"… be sure to close your eyes whenever Stevie and Clare’re onscreen.

"Smashed": I normally wouldn’t advocate anything featuring Ryan and Austin, but it’s SO FUNNY to watch Randy Spelling try to act drunk at the Casa Walsh House Party, and then try to act all dying and pathetic. And then there’s all the Tara-turning-psycho stuff, too. I mean, she *rips Kelly’s necklace*! She’s SO evil!

"Strike the Match": Yes! Yes! Yes! Donna the Powerman 500 Ho-Bag! As if her bendy-wendy Gumby body clad in skimpy leather and vinyl wasn’t enough, Psycho Tara gets that Kelly Taylor hairdo, too. And I crack up over Brandon, Susan and Clare spending one whole DAY studying for the GRE. Freakin' losers.

"The Big Hurt": More horrors! Tara kills Kelly’s fish! Tara makes a pass at Brandon! Tara pulls a gun on Kelly! Tara kidnaps Kelly and tries to kill her with carbon monoxide! Friends don’t lie! Friends don’t lie! And, oh yeah, more of Donna "striking the match"… you gotta love all the backpedaling; it’s always worth a laugh when Donna whines that she’s "feeling a little exploited here!" as if what she wears on a daily basis isn’t exploiting enough. Plus Prince Carl shows up. By this time 90210 has dissolved into a full-on self parody.

Season Seven

"Disappearing Act": Probably the greatest public service message promoted by 90210 ever… you don’t get AIDS from unprotected/unsafe sexual intercourse… you get it from MAKING SALAD! Aaaahhhhh! And there’s all the Jimmy the Sensitive Gay Guy Bravely Dying of AIDS stuff, too. And Davy, again drinking and partying and dropping out of school while Donna tries to save him. Did I mention "self-parody"? Yeah.

"Housewarming": The Big Party at Davy and That Guy Mark’s H’wood Hills house. The best thing EVER is sweet, sensitive, gentle, kindly St. Donna braving a wildfire to SAVE A BABY DEER who doesn’t even flinch when Donna comes sliding down a hill at her. And of COURSE Donna is rescued by a Beefcake Fireman who hails her as a hero for trying to SAVE A BABY DEER! Oh, and Val trying to blackmail Kenny Bannerman with a fake pregnancy test is great fun too. Self-parody? Right. You still with me? Good.

"I Only Have Eyes For You": Val pretends to be drunk whilst hanging out at Dysfunction Junction with Donna and Clare, so she can read Kelly’s diary. Kelly, newly-reunited with Brandon, disses all of her friends. Of course, the whole stolen car/Magic Morton thing is awful, but then you have Scheming Val trying to make contact with Kelly’s father. Self-p- Okay. You know.

"Mother’s Day": Kelly’s knocked up, and Brandon is extra-shelf-headed about it. The show’s just getting worser and worser at this point….

Season Eight

This is where it’s nearly impossible for me to pick favorite episodes, because by this time, 90210 is on scabby knees sucking donkey dick. Hard.

"Friends In Deed": Icky Dr. Monahan starts coming on to Kelly, and Weird Emma the Columnist starts coming on to Brandon! Oh, the tension! Whatever will happen?

"Santa Knows": Emma! Brandon! The watch! The Gay Car Wash Boy! Donna and Noah and Christmas! The Icky Doctor! Oh, wow… and when Brandon confronts Monahan with an oh-so-pompous "What’s up, Doc?", well, that’s just the poo, innit?

"Law and Disorder": Noah the Mistake-ist (remember, a Hillster Boy CAN’T be a rapist! It was just a mistake!) goes on trial. Donna is soooo distraught over all this as well as her work schedule and her aching back, because, you know, she’s soooo sensitive, that she starts popping pills and stealing designs. Awesome!

"The Nature of Nurture": Kelly, Self-Righteous Bitch From Hell, interferes with an abandoned baby’s adoption, because no grody faggot gay men could possibly raise a child as well as 1) the natural teenaged mother who left the kid in a box or 2) Kelly herself who "WANT[S] that baby!" That’s the only plot this yucky episode has going for it; the rest (cigarette ads for the Beat, the romance between Kelly’s dad and Val’s mom) blows. By this time, 90210 is re-brewing thrice-used tea bags in hope of getting SOMETHING from the dregs….

Season Nine

Um… ah… um…..

"Brandon Leaves": Self-explanatory, no? Plus there’s all the deal with the Now Whore This clothing store and the awful "Where’s Sophie" billboards to provide a few sniggers.

Season Ten

Well….

So! Those’re my favorite episodes of 90210, the ones that I’ll go outta my way to watch on FX, the ones that provide the most viewing satisfaction.

What’re yours?

E-mail Dwanollah with your favorite 90210 episodes, and you, YES YOU, could win a fabo-keen sooper-kewl prize package!