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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:JANUARY 13, 1999:
"How to be the Jerk Women Love"
JANUARY 13, 1999

Itís a good thing I find it therapeutic to complain, huh?

So when the show opens with the teaser "Dylan faces his demons" all I can think is "Again?" Does the boy even have any demons left to face? Heís faced enough demons for about 10 people by now. What could possibly be new? Well, obviously, nothing. For instance...

Why are we once again doing the "dumping the drugs down the toilet" bit and the "buying a gun" bit? Does heroin really turn orange like Kool-Aid when you dump it in the toilet? And why would Dylan so recklessly dump his stash? After all, itís tough to get back down to Mexico for some more, innit? Whereís Dylanís old gun? Why didnít he just go back to the old store to buy one? Doesnít he practically have a "preferred customer" card there or something?

And why are we once again being subjected to Dylan "Sensitive Man" McKay? Could someone tell Dylan that those lilies are gonna take quite a beating being carried on his bike... no matter if he had oh-so-sensitively tucked them in his jacket. And Dylan... so full of turmoil and yet so knowledgeable about the art world.... *yawn*

Why was he whining about Marchette "taking [Toni] away again"? Like youíve been in LA to visit her grave so much, Dylan?

And please tell me why, in every single show, do we get a shot of Dylan the Alcoholic with a beer? WHY?

Why did they have to use that oh-so-tired Barenaked Ladies song? And, hey, why is the opening credit montage so Donna-centric? (Okay, I can answer that in two words:. "My Daddy.")

And speaking of Donna-centric.... Why did we have to endure non-stop Donnantics again tonight? The whole "Mattís a swell guy" bit was nauseating 1) because Donna is *so* not cute and 2) because Lawyer Boy is *so* not swell. Yuch. How many times do we have to be bombarded with Donna bugging out her eyes, mugging, tee-heeing, squinching up her face, flapping her arms around, quirking her eyebrows, squeezing her eyes almost-shut and giggling, being coy, being playful.... Like Donna and Noah on the Beach House Porch... eyew. Donnantics do not = foreplay. Thatíd be a major erection-shriveler, IMHO.

And, say, why has Donna taken my comments about "Mylar dresses" in the LWOOE section seriously? That dress at the art show was too too much.

And anyway, why would Donna Ďn Noah and Gina Ďn Dylan be double-dating (as if) to an art show (as if) when supposedly Donna and Gina are having all this personal conflict? And where does Noah the magically-cured depressed alcoholic get off bagging on Dylan?

And speaking of the art show, what was up with that Really Bad Edit during the "Marchette Collection" bit... one second Dylanís hands were down, then they were up again...? And why did Donna call Marchette "the guy that killed his wife" all vaguely, instead of, say, the more accurate and succinct "his wifeís dad... he was responsible for Toniís death" or something?

So, like, if the PPAD is such a hot hip dance club, why do the patrons barely look alive? Why would anyone think a good concept for a DANCE club would be to stop the music periodically soís the DJ can talk on the phone and answer lovelorn calls? Why were there those Goth People there? And especially, itís a dance club... why donít they ever play any actual dance music?

And speaking of Davy the DJ at PPAD, why would it be okay for Stevie to just barge in the DJ booth during a broadcast?

Why is Kelly so freakingly wishy-washily spineless? Itís reached new levels of Pathicalness. I mean, saying "you must hate me" because she doesnít go doink Matt after dinner? Backpedaling and saying "I donít mean it" about going slow, like, two seconds after she said she really really really did mean it? Constantly second-guessing herself? Doing a sudden turnaround once Lawyer Boy starts using is oh-so-romantic "technique" on her by kissing her wrists so she melts and goes all ooey-gooey and starts cooing and baby-talking? What was her idea of "taking it slow" anywayÖ? Iíd hate to see her take things fast, fíGawdís sake! Why were they once again doing the "jealousy is cute" bit? Why did she AOPLOGIZE TO LAWYER BOY for "the way I acted this morning"!? "Insecure," Kelly? Jeez, try maniacally gut-wrenchingly spineless! And what about that whole "You go first" "No you. I insist" exchange between Kelly and Lawyer Boy? Was that some meta-statement (tm xix) on Hillster Boys or something, Matt?

Why oh why did we have to see Kelly and Lawyer Boy rutting? My skin crawled when I saw the pulling-off-the-belt shot. Wasnít Lawyer Boy wearing the same black undies Poor Noah did when he and Donna first did It? *shudder* And why were they going at it WITH THE BEDROOM DOOR OPEN? I mean, when I lived with roommates/other people, um, I always shut the door because even if someone wasnít home that moment, they could come home. Really.

And speaking of Sex While in a Roommate Situation, does Davy mind all the doinking going on in his house?

And, speaking of Kellyís retarded relationship with Lawyer Boy some more, why would ANYONE take relationship advice from Donna seriously? Like "Mattís a great guy. You shouldnít let him go"? Whatís that supposed to mean? If, supposing that Kelly was a Normal Woman With a Spine, by not sleeping with him before she was ready, Kelly was "letting him go," Iíd question his essential "greatness" in that case, Donna, míkay?

Why do they even try to convince us that the characters have jobs that they actually work at? So, like, Donna and Kelly can just take off from their store to... spy on Steveís "seminar"...? So, Steve has time to plan this retarded scheme of his - and have Janet help him, huh? Well, then, whoís writing the paper?

Why why why why why in Godís name is Stevie marketing his skeeviness? This was an all-new level of sick-making. I hate to break it to you, you dumb moron, but the book "How To Be the Jerk Women Love" has already been done, same title word-for-word. [Ed. Note: How to be the Jerk Women Love; Social Success for Men and Women in the Ď90ís (sic), by F. J. Shark, published 1994.] So, why do the writers of this show expect people to take something as rip-roaringly offensive as "how to be the jerk women love" as an amusing, endearing Stevie caper? (And we can tell this is what weíre supposed to think because Stevie did that gross licking-fingers/primping-eyebrows move.) The second he said he had "a PhD in women", all I could think was "a Pathetically Horny Dick." And why couldnít they get a more diverse group of guys for the seminar, huh? Like a seminar on how to meet women is composed solely of 20something shy boys that all dress alike? Where were the portly middle-aged guys? The divorced "teddy bear" men? Gosh, even someone who wasnít clean-shaven or didnít use hair gel wouldíve provided some variety. And what the hell was Stevie babbling about during his lecture, anyway? Why more Mt. Everest references? I guess Dylan was trying to be "the jerk women love" by telling Kelly about K2...?

Anyway, why is the Grossness of Stevie too much to bear? Your grandma making you iced tea before she died and you went to the orphanage? Telling the ShyBoyz to "go get some"?! Honest to Gawd, Stevieís mugging is as annoying as Donnaís Donnantics.

Why was Janet even in that video anyway? Why didnít any of the seminar boys notice her at the PPAD?

And, hey, did Stevieís hair recede another inch in the last month? Why canít we get whateverís made the hair on Stevieís head disappear to work on Davyís face?

And speaking of Skeevy Stevieís Nazi Dating Techniques and Davy Silver, whatís worse that Donna Doing Comedy? You got it: Davy Doing Comedy. Teary-eyed Davy lying to some bar-fly was too much for me.

Why did Dylan and Gina keep introducing themselves to each other? Was that supposed to be "flirting technique"? And did Steve cover it in his seminar?

Why would stupid dumb Lawyer Boy have an in-home cooking instructor? Doesnít that sound like something youíd find in a Las Vegas phone book, like the "full body masseuses" or nude housecleaners or somethingÖ? "Private, in-home cooking lessons, very discreet"...? Canít Lawyer Boy just buy a couple cookbooks or watch FoodTV or something? How lame do you have to be to have an in-home cooking tutor, for months, no less? And speaking of lame, what kind of law office is located next to a nail salon? I mean, Iíve seen legal offices in big downtown buildings where thereíre salons on the bottom floor, but right next door? Thatís, like, soooo strip-mall, Mr. Lawyer Boy! And why had Kelly never noticed the nail salon next door and all the women going up to it before?

Why were there so many random-seeming conversations and exchanges in this episode? Like, why did Donna just kind of randomly bring up the "harsh things" Gina said about her back in December? They live in the same house and this is the first sheís had a chance to mention it? And I couldnít follow the jumps in Felice and Ginaís discussion about Donna "really wanting to go to the luncheon, she was reading about it yesterday, blah blah" to Feliceís response that Donnaíd only go "kicking and screaming"? And why did Donna thank Gina for "standing up for [Donna] to her mother"? Um, I didnít really get that from the Beach House Porch scene... in fact, I didnít get the feeling Gina was standing up for Donna to Felice at all. And why did Felice say "now three of us arenít going" to the John John lunch? Did I miss something here too? And speaking of Donna and Gina, why were they, like, confiding to each other about their mothers like theyíre on intimate terms, one day after they were all pissy? And when Davy came to talk to Kelly about "giving advice", did it seem like a random jump that Kelly chirped back "okay, Iíll be on the radio"? There was no build-up of "Kelly, you were a psych major" or "I need a womanís POV" or nuthiní... Davy just said he needed "help"... that coulda meant anything. And Kellyís talk of "going slow" somehow got Stevie all upset that his Boyz werenít scoring? Are my synapses fraying, or were there just lotsa Improbable Leaps in numerous sections of dialogue and/or plots/z?

And speaking of Kelly Radio, why did she just show up, answer one question, and then go off with Matt? I guess weíre supposed to believe sheíd put in a hard nightís work on the air... thatís why she had to freshen up her lipstick. Why was she dancing with her purse? Why did she always have to be carrying Itty Bitty black purses everywhere she went?

And speaking of Dumb Clothes, why was Gina wearing a suit with a fur collar in LA? I mean, living in SoCal for 27 years, I didnít see suits with fur collars on anyone except the occasional oddly eccentric old woman or an obviously nouveau riche lady going to church. Guess it must be a new trend. Iím soooo out of the Fashion Loop.

Finally, not that I expect an answer or anything, but WHY do ALL THE WOMEN on the show feel compelled to "save" and "help" the bad boys? I donít see any boys in a rush to save the bad girls, and this double-standard rilly annoys the shit out of me.

But the "Next week" previews....Hey, itís Dylan the Terrorist holding folks at gunpoint... thatís new!

Dwanollah

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