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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:JANUARY 19, 2000
"I'm Using You 'Cause I Like You" [Ed. Note: Umm....]"
JANUARY 19, 2000

First, a Duran reference that’s turned into an annual event: for the first time this season, a la Nick Rhodes in Sing Blue Silver I can say "I’m looking out the window right now and it’s, um, snowink."

Okay. This week’s episode is promoted by the teaser "Will her love for Dylan destroy Gina?" ... which I believe captures an essential element of 90210 perfectly. Love can and does destroy a person; love is destructive, and destruction is love. Writers, remember last week’s Philosophical Statement? "What you did was wrong. And I resent you trying to make me understand why you did it." Yeah. Apply liberally to affected areas.

So why is Kelly riding LawyerBoy piggyback? Is this supposed to be a metaphor for their relationship? For the mounting action of sex? That LawyerBoy’s a workhorse? That he’s going to be the sole supporter of Kelly? That Kelly and LawyerBoy are just like innocent, playful kids? Whatever. But gimme a skim Pepto with my stud-muffin, guys, ‘cos LawyerBoy enters stage left, chortling "Feel those biceps baby!" I’m duly impressed. I didn’t know wanking could build up muscles that much.

So Poor Innocent LaywerBoy is being all bravely self-pitying about how he has all this time to work out at the gym because of his suspension. "Think of it as a vacation," chirps Kelly the Hedonist, carrying her empty Chinese food box. Um, maybe LawyerBoy should be thinking of his suspension as what it is: time to reflect on what he did, what mistakes he made, and how he needs to behave in a mature and responsible manner as a lawyer. But instead he whines that it’s an "unfulfilling" vacation.... Well then, LawyerBoy, why don’t you DO SOMETHING FULFILLING, like research cases or catch up on journal articles or- But more on that later.

And speaking of metaphors for relationships, inside Dysfunction Junction, Donna’s throwing tidbits at Davy for him to catch in his mouth, alluding to the still-pending [at least, in my opinion, even if BAG is supposedly leaving] Donna and Davy Reunion. And appropriately, Donna and Davy have instituted "The Losers’ Club." Inappropriately, though, "losers" are defined as people who are "home alone [again] on a perfect date night," not "people who need to quit being so freaking selfish and sexist and spoiled" or "people who define themselves in accordance with whom they are dating/doinking." And Davy clarifies that the Losers’ Club is like a "support group" [Hillster Truism Number 6... I’ll make the rest of the list some other time....] where they discuss the "properties of being single" .... Guys, instead of sitting around throwing candy at each other and whining about being single, WHY DON’T YOU LOSERS DO SOMETHING?! One of my biggest pet peeves with Singleness is when people whine about how there’s nothing to do if they don’t have a date. Frankly, I loved being single. First of all, after a it-dragged-on-WAY-too-long relationship with my high school boyfriend, my single years were the first time as an adult that I had only myself to consider.... I didn’t have to hear someone else’s input on how I wore my hair or what clothes I wore, what hobbies I wanted to take up, what I wanted to fix for dinner, how I wanted to spend a weekend. It was the most liberating experience of my life. I tried out things I’d never had the time or support to try before: I took an acting class, I attempted to learn to play the recorder, I had more time to read, I took a solo venture up the coast from San Diego to San Francisco and back, visiting relatives and Hearst Castle on the way, I gave tea parties for friends, I spent hours at Gelato Vera Cafe writing in my journal, I researched local ghost stories, I took myself out to eat at new and different restaurants, I drove to the Hotel Del Coronado at three in the morning at watched the sun rise, I learned aromatherapy, I started listening to more eclectic music, I volunteered to help set up a library at a home for abused kids, I got to know people ­ including guys ­ in my classes and at work... I mean, for Gawd’s sake, if I’m supposed to feel sorry for Donna and Davy because they’re dateless, it ain’t workin’. <soapbox mode>Being single gave me the opportunity to develop myself as a full and complete individual, to explore myself and the world, to establish the practice of being self-reliant, to adventure, so that when I finally entered another romantic relationship, I did so as a complete person, not a needy half looking to be whole-

Um, sorry. I’m done now. </soapbox mode>

So then Kelly and LawyerBoy exchange looks as Davy yammers, all pityingly, like how sad that Donna’nDavy can’t be as happy and fulfilled as they are because they’re in Luuuuuuv. And I’d ask why they’re so freakin’ full of themselves, but, after my previous blather, I have no room to talk.

And then Davy and Donna want to know why LawyerBoy’s been holding out on the fix-ups, like, he must know "some hunky corporate lawyer... or some cute stenographer," once again diving headfirst into the pool of gender stereotypes. And I remember when I read the first book in The Bobbsey Twins series and the twinseses had this insightful discussion of what they were going to be when they grew up and Bert and Freddie were going to be Big Impressive Things like firemen or doctors or something. And then there was some discussion about how girls couldn’t be firemen and doctors... they grew up to be, like, mothers and stenographers and things. And Nan... of course Nan wanted to be a stenographer, like, how daring of her to want a career instead of motherhood! And since I was only ten or eleven, I didn’t know what a stenographer was, so I looked it up and thought "Man, that sounds boring!" and resolved that I’d rather be a fireman.

Was it my imagination or was Kelly sporting a bigger ring this week?

Anyway... so, why why why why WHY do we have another Poor Ethnic Other, in this case Elvarado the Poor Mexican Janitor who hurt his back at his "day job" lifting boxes (because yeah that’s what Mexicans do... they’re janitors and they lift boxes and they’re GRATEFUL! For fuck’s sake.) and NEEDS THE HELP OF THE HILLSTERS TO COLLECT HIS SETTLEMENT! Excuse me while I go beat my head against an adobe wall to the tune of La Cucuracha....

And then Donna does that annoying thumbs-up, which, I have to confess, um, I’ve actually, ah, picked up and find myself doing at inopportune times. Serves me right for making fun of Donna/Tori by mimicking her and now it’s an integrated behavior of my own.

Anyway, LawyerBoy urges Kelly "all aboard," again a metaphor for their relationship and pending marriage. Why haven’t Kelly and LawyerBoy talked any DETAILS about when/where/how their going to get married? With Brandon, Kelly had to jump headfirst into planning and set a date, like, only three months hence. But with LawyerBoy, there’s been no discussion, and no one’s asked "So, when’s the big day?" or nuthin’. I guess first they have to "get through" his suspension first. So then Kelly smirks at everyone and squeals and squeaks and makes like the cowgirl chick in the Girls on Film video and LawyerBoy says something like "Catch you at the gym, Davy" or maybe it was "Getcher hand on him, baby" or who knows what. And Donna says "Don’t they just make you wanna...?" and I have to say the answer is a resounding YES! but Davy must’ve thought she meant "make you wanna eat candy" and he and Donna start throwing things at each other again and making more thumbs-up gestures and such.

And then we get to see an actual happ'nin’ club instead of the usual dreary PPAD, which is a nice change. But then there’s Gina dressed in a red scarf with two strings holding it on, bearing two glow-in-the-dark drinks over to where Dylan’s brooding for this particular scene. And Gina’s backless shirt allows for easy spine removal, because she calls Dylan "honey" and then, after sharing an anecdote about Jennifer Lopez wanting to know where she got her shoes, whines to Dylan that she doesn’t "know why you invited me if you’re going to be so grouchy." Like she couldn’t’ve anticipated this kind of behavior from Dylan?! And then Dylan shrugs all noncommittally and rasps "The invitation said ‘plus one.’ You’re beautiful." Okay, why doesn’t Gina, like, pap the asshole right on his creased fat forehead for making such a blatantly hateful and disrespectful and nasty comment? But no, Gina doesn’t even blink, obviously conditioned to think that because Dylan said "you’re beautiful" that this must’ve been a compliment and goes on to chortle about Noah’s "tragic posse," like, Gina, I guess that "pot and kettle" thing must run in the family or something because you have NO room to talk, hon. And Dylan is gazing at Noah all lovelorn, and then Noah explains to some barman or something that he "set up an account with Joe" for his $1500 tab "under the name Dylan McKay." And I guess Dylan is Noah’s Sugar Daddy and has set him up with his own bar tab and everything, because no bartender would just "set up a tab" under someone’s name without at least asking for ID to confirm things, especially not a tab for $1500. And then Dylan’s staring at his other other mistress, Gidget’s Niece, who’s dancing all sexy WITH HER BROTHER (how incestuous ARE these guys?!) and she winks and laughs and toasts him with her glass of bubbly, giving Gina opportunity to do that whole "pot and kettle" thing again as she snips "Someone’s looking for a boyfriend." Gawd! Get thee to therapy, Gina! Anyway, then when Dylan explains that she’s "a friend of Noah’s" Gina non sequiturs "She’s a friend of Noah’s? They each have their own bottle of Cristal!" Whatever that’s supposed to mean. And Dylan confirms that Noah and Gidget’s Niece are his new Love Toys as he says "I sent that over." And Gina says "Free champagne for strangers and compliments for me what’s with all the generosity?" And Dylan McKay, the charmer, says "It’s easy to be nice to the people you don’t care about." Which I think means that he’s only using Noah and Gidget’s Niece for commitmentless sex. And Gina STILL doesn’t spit in Dylan’s selfish face after this, but only makes a mildly annoyed face at him. I swear to God, Gina is so beyond dysfunctional that the word is practically inapplicable at this point. And Dylan leans in and whispers "I meant the champagne," which somehow placates Gina. And then Superman’s reporter friend Jimmy Oleson is at the party taking pictures wearing his Boy Reporter Hat and instead of snapping photos of actual famous people, or even PEOPLE WHO ARE HAVING FUN, he takes a picture of Gina and Dylan. Like, what a coup! Minor-league ex-skater and brooding rich guy! This’ll make the front page! And then the reporter asks if Gina and Dylan "are together" and Dylan rasps "status unknown" and Gina FINALLY gets a clue and sneers "You can take me off your guest list" and stomps off, but since We the TV Viewers ­ and selfish dickhole Dylan McKay ­ know quite well that Gina’ll come back within a matter of hours, or, at the most, days, it doesn’t have quite the same self-assertive punch to it. So Dylan goes back to doing what he does best: brooding. Jeepers.

So then at Now Waste This, all three so-called employees are supposedly actually working for a change. And Donna’s looking at a tabloid paper with the headline (*snarf*) "a WHO’s WHO at Hi-Bar [Note: Sky Bar is currently one of the trendy LA hot spots] Opening" with a photo captioned "Millionaire Dylan McKay rubs elbows [and more(?)] with former Olympic Hopeful Gina Kincaid." Erm. Say, if the reporter knew who they were, why did he ask their names? Or do they, like, have an index back at the offices with entries like "McKay, Dylan: Millionaire" and "Kincaid, Gina: Former Olympic Hopeful" or something, so that a reporter just takes pictures and gets names and then comes back to look them up after the party’s over and thus figure out "who’s who"? And then Donna makes the tactful statement to her long-lost bastard sister Gina that you "have to sell your firstborn" to get into a party like that. Cute, Donna. And then Gina says something completely incomprehensible that sounds like "Eel and Dylan" or "he and Dylan" or "Eemeewah and Dylan" or something are "hanging with the lamest, trendiest crowd." To which Donna OF COURSE says she’s "worried about" him. WHY, Donna? It’s not like his behavior comes as any surprise. (I sense this is far from the last time I make that particular observation.) I mean, once again, this is what Single Hillster Boyz do... they get involved with bad crowds and drugs and alcohol and all that and neeeeeeed the Hillster Grrls to straighten them out and give their lives meaning. But I’ve been down this road before... as have all the Hillster Grrls and Boyz....

So Kelly whines that Dylan and Gina "look awfully cozy." And I think IT’S TIME TO GET OVER DYLAN! And then Gina whines that that was just before she left, and she’s "not getting sucked back in again by him," which sounds really good, but based on all her actions, is about as grounded in reality as, well, as ‘most anything else in HillsterLand. And Gina adds that "he does that- but you probably already know that" and Kelly gets all pissy and snips "Oh, look, it’s only 9:30 and already I’m compelled to tell you to shut up" and then announces to Donna that she’s going to the post office. And I’M compelled to say "Oh, look, Kelly, it’s only 9:30 and already you’re leaving work to go run personal errands." (Most stores in LA don’t open until 10, anyway.) And then Donna and Kelly talk about having to talk about "resigning the store’s lease" and it’s a three-year lease this time and Donna can’t talk them down any less. And I’m curious... does Donna even design anything ­ except the occasional sweater ­ anymore? Where does she get all the clothes? There’s no way she makes ‘em all herself. But how can she afford to have them made elsewhere? I guess that all falls under the same subheading of "Reality" in which Donna and Kelly can even afford the lease on the store, along with all the fixtures, bills, maintenance, non-clothing accessories and the like in the first place... or manage to make a living when they only work about a collective 20 hours a week... and leave the store unattended at any given opportunity allowing for major shrinkage....

But then there’s the Non Sequitur of the Night, when, as Kelly says "We’ll talk about it tonight" and Donna says "Okay" and Kelly walks out and Gina says "So that’s what Matt’s doing with his suspension time he’s pimping out his friends?" and I thought she was referring to Kelly going to the post office. But Donna whines "I have to meet people somehow" and then adds "And by the way, sister set-ups are completely welcome" and Gina goes "Yeah?" and I have NO idea WHAT they’re talking about or how they started on this line of conversation that seems to refer to nothing anyway. I mean, my guess is that when Kelly said "We’ll talk about it tonight" and Donna said "Okay" that there was some cut dialogue about no, she can’t tonight, she has a date with someone Matt set her up with blah blah blah. But the results are, characteristic of 90210, incomprehensible and showing that the Hillsters & Co. are, well, basically "a walking shadow; a poor player/That struts and frets his hour upon the stage" and that their plots are "a tale/Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,/Signifying nothing."

And then there’s the nonsense about this guy Jerry ­ proof that LawyerBoy’s not the only White Bread Stud in HillsterLand ­ barreling into the store to ask if he can use the phone and Donna moue-ing with these over-the-top innocent faces (which, like the Sticky Lips Finale from last week, look really funny in fast-forward and rewind). And, of course, Jerry is SO bowled over by Donna’s beauty that he is forced by powers greater than himself to ask her out on a date. And I guess Gina’s taking that pimping comment seriously because she all but strips Donna naked and displays her to Jerry like mothers of medieval brides did for their daughters’ bridegrooms on the wedding night. And so Gina shoves Donna’s phone number at Jerry while Donna continues to moue and gleam now that she has proof, again, that she is beautiful and desirable. Why isn’t Jerry the least bit suspicious that Gina seems awfully eager for he and Donna to go out. And Donna goons "Did that just happen?!" and unfortunately it did, folks. And then Gina says "thanks to me" and then says "let’s go tell Matt he’s been replaced" which, again, is unclear, incomprehensible dialogue unless you’re willing to suspend a lot of reality.

I refuse to believe that, instead, it’s a reflection of the writers thinking that their audience is soooo intelligent that they can throw in incomplete chunks of dialogue and we can figure out the rest.

And I also realize that my gibber-jabber is getting out of control because I’m up to five pages AND THIS IS ALL BEFORE THE OPENING CREDITS. Most of my professors comment that I spend too much time on introductory material in my critical writing, and I need to get to the point quicker. No, really?

So, after the utterly insipid opening credits, we get the utterly insipid Janet&Steve inanity about doing... "a stupid [at least she got that part right] alien thing... for his [HIS] tabloid"?!? I mean, WHY, even more so than with Donna’s store, WHY do the writers even TRY to make us think that Steve and Janet can make a living at this TOTALLY FUCKINGLY STUPIDLY STUPID TABLOID PAPER!? I mean, saints preserve us, there’s no way that this tabloid could earn them enough money to even cover the so-called "special effects" of the alien photo shoot. And because Davy and LawyerBoy have nothing better to do, they’re playing around with Alien Goo in preparation for this photo shoot, LawyerBoy, appropriately, playing the ripped-open-and-gutty alien corpse.... *sigh*

There’s really nothing else I can say. I mean, if this crap doesn’t seem stupid to the writers and producers of this show, then I fear that the world is beyond help.

Ah, but, not only are Steve and Janet making enough bucks from the newspaper to cover those preemie bills at the hospital and pay for food and gas and a minivan and all that, they also have enough money TO HIRE A NANNY!?! Yeah, ‘cos, man, that paper can’t survive without your undivided attention, can it? So Janet dismisses the interviewee, "Darby" (I guess because she works with "little people") and then announces that, despite her excellent credentials, she’s not going to hire Darby because "... if you guys are going to force me to be superficial and catty, so be it" and elucidates that Darby is "cute" and Janet (shout-out 1) "hates cute." But unlike me, Janet doesn’t elaborate that she hates cute, as in teddy bears and pink-is-for-girls-and-blue-is-for-boys and appliqued sweatshirts and quilted glue-gun projects; rather, Janet hates Darby’s "cute perky bob" {I thought she said "bod" at first] and "perky smile" and "perky boobs" and "she’s annoying" and Janet doesn’t want to "share my house and my child" with someone cute. (So I’m reducing the shout-out to .5) And there are so many things wrong with this whole revelation that, suffice it to say, Janet, like all Hillster women, is sick-makingly insecure, but in this case it’s the postpartum version.

And then Skeevy Stevie, with characteristic love, respect and sensitivity, gets a shit-eating grin on his face and goads Janet "Wait a second... are you worried I’d fool around with the nanny?" And what I want to know is, based on past experience, why wouldn’t ANYONE think you WOULDN’T fool around with the nanny, you dolt?! And Davy and LawyerBoy are playing with their alien innards, which must be a metaphor for the viscera-extracting qualities of Steve and Janet’s relationship, and they’re all looking on in delight. And Janet huffs and says, as every Mediaraman has been saying for years, "Get OVER yourself" (Shout out count: 1.5) which would have set me to cheering for her had it not been part of this whole Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife stereotypical shit. And then Skeevy Stevie gets all pissy and defensive and says "Oh wait, so now you’re saying that she wouldn’t be attracted to me?" And if The Husband-Type Man was ever so dumb, immature, insecure and pathetic to say anything that noxious to me, I’d either die laughing or run screaming. But Janet coos "Of course she would honey... and so with the ladies from ‘Grandmas and More’," which is pretty revealing in terms of Steve and Janet’s sex life. So Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife triumphantly flips through the yellow pages, Stevie sulks, and Davy flings more alien goo. And then Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife snaps at Davy "You’re dripping on my floor" which 1) presents a truly disturbing visual and 2) is continuing to play up the sexist wifey stereotypes, i.e. the kitchen and the floor and the house is the realm of the wife, and 3) is a RILLY assuming thing to say since Janet moved in after everyone else... not even considering the fact NO ONE THERE MUCH LESS JANET HAS EVER PAID RENT SINCE THE HOUSE BELONGS TO THE WALSHES!

So over at the Superfluous Peach Pit Kelly for a change is eating a meal there in the restaurant instead of ordering something like "a glass of water... to go" and Dylan comes tromping in. and Kelly for some reason calls out "Dylan... come eat with me." And Dylan broods and huffs and says "I’m kinda in a rush, Kel." And Kelly responds "You can eat and leave" which must be a metaphor for their whole relationship. So Dylan huffs and stomps over and Kelly sighs and chomps a carrot and wants to know "how are things" and then makes snippy comments about his "club-hopping" and the people he’s hanging around with. And WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE WRITE DYLAN OFF ALREADY?!

Seriously. Why is everyone still so driven to save Dylan McKay from his demons... or from himself... or from danger... or from whatever it is that ails him this week? What is it about him that is so special, especially to Kelly and Gina in particular? I mean "handsome" and "rich" just doesn’t cut it for me. It’s not like Dylan is funny or Dylan is charming or Dylan is exciting to be with or Dylan is charismatic or anything. No. Dylan is selfish. Dylan is mean. Dylan is untrustworthy. He doesn’t even seem to have any hobbies, doesn’t seem to DO anything any more. I mean, in high school and college he was the poet-surfer and he read and wrote and traveled and watched old movies. Now he just broods. He doesn’t even party... he just goes along and broods. And drinks. And broods some more. There is nothing ... NOTHING... that provides any reason as to why both Gina and Kelly are so "in love" with him... "love" to the point of destruction. God forbid.

And plus, I thought Dylan was on the Proverbial Road to Recovery, between the two weeks he worked with the Poor Chilluns and Andrew (both whom we’ll prolly never see again) at the center and [bowel] moving experience of being Maggi- um, Maddy’s godfather. I guess this week he’s down again until he has his next near-death experience or dead parent experience or watching a friend lose control experience or I found a stray kitten experience or I discovered a long-lost sibling experience or something earth-shaking like that.

And Kelly earnestly and baby-talkingly wants Dylan to come with everyone to "the Hollywood sign" because Donna and David [Reunion Hint! Reunion Hint!] "haven’t been there since graduation." I’m not only surprised that the Hillsters are making a reference to a Past Event that included Since Departed Hillsters, but I’m also surprised that Kelly and Donna and David and "everyone" are all game for another illegal hike through the chaparral to commune with the pot-smokers who hang out up there at the sign which is, incidentally, on private property. But Dylan says he’s too "busy" even "too busy for us" (Hillsters, or Kelly and him?) and rudely barks "Can I get some service here please?" And so of course then Gina comes doinging up, and all these pussy-whippers are just putting too much pressure on poor tortured Dylan McKay because he grumbles that he "just came for a tuna melt." Well, ask and you shall receive, O Creaséd One, ‘cos it looks like that’s what you’re getting from Kelly and Gina. And Kelly’s pissed and stomps off and Gina bows and scraps and fawns around Dylan, and I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHY because last we saw Gina she claimed she emphatically and supposedly was "not getting sucked back in again by him" but I guess the opportunity to see Kelly stomping off was worth sacrificing one’s integrity for because Gina proclaims that she’s "watched her do that a thousand times and it just gets more and more satisfying"... and if this isn’t a hint and a half for Gina’s pathetic, insecure ass about the fact that she’s pathetic and insecure, then I don’t know what. So manic-depressive obsessive-compulsive Gina is on an upswing again because, thanks to Dylan and the coverage in the so-called Chronicle about their so-called rubbing elbows at that so-called "hip club," Gina’s heard from her ex-agent (the one she had a shouting match with in her first appearance on the show? The one who fired her?) who’s opening a chain of fitness clubs and wants Gina to be a spokesperson. We can see where this is going. So Gina apologizes (apologizes??) to Dylan and continues to grovel and roll over and expose her belly and neck and other vital, unprotected bits and doesn’t even toss Kelly’s tossed salad in Dylan’s smug face when he rasps, heavy on the innuendo, "you wanna thank me now or thank me later?" Oh no. Instead, she begs him to come to the PPAD because Noah booked a new flavor. And Dylan says no because he’s meeting people and Gina bitches about "you and fifty of your closest friends again" and... then... Dylan... says... "you wanna go or not?" ... and... Gina... for... some... reason... ACCEPTS THESE SELFISH AND UNSATISFACTORY STANDARDS WITH A FLIRTATIOUS LAUGH AND SAYS "pick me up at ten" and while Dylan continues to act all put-out-upon Gina, still gooning, doings up and kisses him on the cheek and all the while Dylan grimaces and then WIPES HIS CHEEK OFF! (Shout out: 2.5; see xix’s wrap-up about Brandon royally dumping Tracy.) And this doesn’t phase Gina one bit as she bounds off into the sunset happy because she "has" Dylan, whatever that means, and Dylan goes back to brooding.

So at 7250 Yeah Right Blvd., LawyerBoy’s counseling the Poor Mexican Other about his work related injury. And PMO is so ethical that he refused the help of "some other crook lawyer" who had encouraged him to "pretend I couldn’t work," to which PMO "said no and they dropped me." And then LB talks to PMO like PMO’s a retarded six year old about "do you know what a statute of limitations is?" as if, with all the news stories and Court TV shit and people talking about court cases like they’re sitcom episodes, there’s anyone who doesn’t know...? So LB explains to PMO that he’s only got two days left and there’re no other lawyers available and PMO insists that he ... doesn’t want another attorney... because LB "seems hardworking... honest..." and I’m waiting for him to add something like "just like my father, back home, picking coffee beans to support my mother and my eighteen brothers and sisters" or something equally as stereotypical as this whole freaking storyline. And if PMO is so ethical that he wouldn’t pretend to be more injured than he was to get more money, then WHY DOESN’T LB JUST EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT HE’S SUSPENDED AND IT’S ILLEGAL FOR HIM TO TAKE THE CASE?! But no, LB just says he "can’t take the case" and he’s "sorry" and PMO pulls that "The Man" guilt-trip shit, saying that’s what his manager said and "look what sorry got me." Which is a perfect explanation for why he sought LB’s legal help... and is a perfect metaphor for every relationship in HillsterLand, too. So then the PMO does the PMO Stomp outa LB’s office while LB heaves a sigh and looks all Conflicted.

Over at Dysfunction Junction, Kelly’s in her boudoir for the first time in how many episodes? And Donna, in some fugly spaghetti-strapped sheath that looks like a nightgown with her hair all piled on top of her head, comes whining wanting to know "can we talk Jerry stood me up." And I’m wondering why Donna’s all dressed to the nines when, I believe, all Jerry said was that he would call her at eight, not "I’ll pick you up at eight and we’re going to a really ritzy restaurant so wear something fancy." I mean, who wears skimpy overly-dressy outfits like that on a first date anyway? What if Jerry’d called and said "How about a movie?" or "I know a good pizza place where we can talk and get to know each other" or "Do you like moonlit rollerblading?" or "Have you been to ____ bar? We can play darts!" Donna’d be a might overdressed for a fair majority of first-date activities. But, ah, how silly of me... of course a successful woman like Donna who lives in a Santa Monica beach house and works in a splashy boutique would only be going out on sophisticated dinner dates or out dancing to chi-chi clubs. My mistake.

So then, clinching her award for the Stupidest Thing Uttered in Tonight’s Episode, Donna explains to Kelly about the "gorgeous mystery guy that came into the store today, borrowed the phone, promised he’d call me and I was gonna have his kids... well, not today but after we got married on some beach in Mexico." Ha ha. And if that mentality of Donna’s didn’t send Jerry screaming in the other direction, her melonous cavern would’ve. Donna, WHY don’t you cover that up?

And Kelly (shout out 3.5) WAS TRYING TO FIND OUT HOW CERTIFICATION FOR TEEN COUNSELLING WORKS, like DIDN’T I SAY SOMEONE, prolly Kelly, WOULD BE GOING BACK TO WEST BEV? And, for posterity, I want to say here that the stuff I’m writing about in the Episode that I’m gonna post early next week is a plot I’ve been working on for some time and has been in my notes for almost 2 years now (just ask screamin’!), and I said it first! Ha! Teen counseling and everything. I swear on my Brinda doll.

And speaking of Brinda, her name is invoked in HillsterLand for the first time in, like, twenty years as Donna, after lamenting that Kelly might not be staying on at the store, reminisces about when "you me and Brenda" spent the beginning of our junior year at West Beverly making sure that our class schedules matched?" And Kelly laughs "I ended up with Mr. Salverez’s geometry!" And Donna says "For the first time we all went our different ways." And Kelly says "We cried for like a week!" And Donna sighs "But we survived" Um, didn’t they just say they made sure their schedules MATCHED? And I seem to remember a Dylan-phobic Kelly switching to take art class and stuff with Donna in Senior Year. I thought they had the big "split" right around the END of junior year and the following summer, when Kelly decided to skip Paris in favor of bonding with Erin and started cheating on Brinda with Dylan and then got all depressed and there was the whole senior year drama of the Brinda-Dylan-Kelly triangle. And then Donna gives Kelly her benediction: "You’ve been thinking about this for a long time... you’ll be fine on your own... so will I." And why didn’t other Big Events like, oh, college graduation, maybe, or Claire’s moving out after rooming with them for four years, or Kelly moving in with Brandon, or Kelly attempting to get married to Brandon or any of that other stuff bring on this kind of retrospection, huh? And then Kelly wants to know "Will we always be friends? ...I mean all of us?" And obviously, from the fact that Brinda and Brandon and Ohndrea and Claire have all moved away and no one communicates with them at all anymore except for the occasional telegram, the answer would be a resonant "Uh, no!" But Kelly clarifies that she doesn’t really mean "all" in terms of All Hillsters Ever, but rather, she means "Dylan" because she "ran into [him] today and he made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me." Like, gee, Kel, we could start with your attitude problem and your self-centeredness and the fact that you’ve been flaunting your engagement with LawyerBoy to Dylan as if he ­ that is, Dylan ­ was me on a lo-carb diet and you’re the Krispy Kreme Delivery Girl taunting me from behind an electric fence hung with signs that say "None for you!" Or we could continue with the fact that Dylan is basically and essentially a shithead. And then Donna sighs "Noah’s been doing the same thing" but Kelly doesn’t care about Donna and Noah, and says "It just makes me sad..." Aw. Snurfle-sniff. And, say, maybe Donna’s a Rules Girl after all because she primps Kelly's Narcissistic Hedonism by chirping that things aren’t all bad because "You found this great guy and you’re engaged!" like, yeah, so whatever, Donna.

And then... then Donna spies this framed photo of The Remaining Hillsters, circa high school, and I wonder how long the publicity archives people had to spend scouring their files for a picture that didn’t have the Walshes or Ohndrea in it... well, either that or they Photoshopped it. Anyway, Kelly says "I found that under my bed" (um...?) and Donna says "Check out Dylan’s hair!" (Shout-out count: 4.5) and she and Kelly start gibbering "Look at Steve!" and "Steve Sanders is a father!" (yeah, that’s what we all think, too) and "We’ve all been friends for so long" and Kelly brings it on home by concluding "Too long to just let go...." [Hillster Truism Number 3... stay tuned someday in the future for a complete list.] And please see my previous rant from sometime in November about having stayed with DumbAss, my h.s.b.f. for WAY too freakin’ long and basically wasting years of my life with him and other less-than-true friends because I was afraid of letting go and thought it was a shame... like, somehow a personal failure... if we’d all grown in different since our teen years and couldn’t shake myself of the sentimental feeling that we’d been together too long to just let go.... And then, after being repeatedly pummeled by proof that these relationships were negative ones and I was a more negative person for being in them and DumbAss dumped me and my then-best friend was there to "console" him and "be there for him" and fuck him (which is frighteningly Hillstereque) and my other best friend didn't say a gawd-dammed word, so I finally got my head out of my butt and moved forward with life. And on the other hand, there’s The Husband-Type Man and his group of friends, who’ve been pals since junior high and high school (and some since elementary school) and a couple of times a year they all get together and every so often one moves to a city where/near another is living but they’ve basically had their own lives and their own goals and their own activities since they gave up the weekend-long Dungeons and Dragons marathons in 12th grade. I mean, my question, oft repeated but pertinent in this case as well is... DOES EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP ON THIS SHOW HAVE TO BE ALL DYSFUNCTIONAL AND CO-DEPENDANT AND EVERY OTHER POP PSYCHOBABBLE TERM ONE COULD COME UP WITH? What kind of a cult/microcosm is HillsterLand anyway?

Not that I expect any answers this time around, either, mind....

So back at Casa Skeevy, Skeevy Stevie and Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife are interviewing a grandmother nanny for Maggie/Maddy. And where are they going to PUT the nanny, anyway? And why on earth would any parent hire a nanny without FIRST SEEING HOW THE NANNY INTERACTS WITH THE CHILD AND HOW THE CHILD REACTS TO THE NANNY? So the Skeevy Family and Granny Nanny troupe en masse upstairs to the nursery and Granny Nanny makes a mess of her Depends undergarments as she spazzes over the "perfect dimensions" of the room and wants to know when she can "start the smudging." And as someone who routinely smudges with sage herself, I fail to understand what the dimensions of the room have to do with sage smudging AT ALL. I mean, as long as the smoke gets into all the corners and inside things, it doesn’t matter if the room is octagon-shaped with built-in window seats and four closets. But anyway, Granny Nanny is making creepy finger-signs and talking about demons. I guess she musta picked up a vibe from Skeevy Stevie. So Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife says "Steve!" like, of COURSE Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife needs her husband to take care of the hard-nosed stuff like kicking Granny Nanny out. So Granny Nanny does some more freaky gestures and looks around the room in terror, still sensing the demonic nature of Casa Skeevy... and if they’re so freaked out by her, why don’t they ACCOMPANY HER TO THE FRONT DOOR to make sure she doesn’t, like, leave a dried chicken foot or pinch of herbs in a closet or something on her way out? And THEN Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife huffs about having to go through "another stack of resumes" and they bicker about how they don’t have time because (and we’re supposed to take this seriously) Janet has an article due and Steve’s 3 days behind in getting the issue laid out.

Pardon me while I collapse on the floor in hysterical laughter for several minutes.

Okay. And then Creepy Granny Nanny sticks her head back in an hisses "And you can shove the banana bread recipe" which must be a metaphor for Steve and Janet’s life or work or something. And then Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife huffs and acquiesces to hiring "that damn Darby" because God knows there isn’t another nanny in all of Los Angeles. Hello, Steve? Janet? Grandparents usually LOOOOVE to spend time with their grandchildren... WHY DON’T YOU CALL MADDY’S?!

And poor Maddy just looks up at Steve and Janet all befuddled, doubtless wondering why on earth Fate was so cruel as to stick her with these two morons as her primary caretakers.

And back at Now Whiff This, Donna’s two for two with awards for The Stupidest Thing Uttered in Tonight’s Episode when Davy tells her he talked to LawyerBoy’s friend Chrissy and Donna cops major attitude and sneers "A LAWYER named... CHRISSY?! How does she get any clients? The first thing that comes to mind is Three’s Company!" Can I pop her one? Please? Donna, hon, what the hell is YOUR problem? The Governor of New Jersey is named Christie. The First Lady is named Hilary. And, I mean, DONNA for a FASHION DESIGNER? Copying Donna Karen and Donnatella Versace much? And plus, like, how outdated and non-cutting edge can you be with a name like DONNA? The first thing that comes to mind is that old Ritchie Valenz song from the 50’s! That must be why Donna’s wearing her hair in those goofy poofy I Love Lucy-esque curls. And then Davy continues that Chrissy graduated law school at 23, to which Donna sniffs "Geek!" and that she has a great sense of humor (she must, to go out with Davy), to which Donna smirks, and she surfs every morning, to which Donna snips "so she’s funny and smart and successful and... thank you Matt," and Davy’s going out with her tonight, to which Donna says, all fake-o, "that’s great that’s really good for you." And yes, we get it... Donna is jealous... Donna is possessive... and in HillsterLand, Jealousy and Possessiveness (especially for women) = True Love! Plus it just makes for such Kute Komedic Kommunication, doesn’t it?! But no, Donna tries to pull it off that she’s just despondent because Jerry didn’t call and the Losers’ Club is down to one member: her. No, no, Donna, don’t worry. Davy’s still a Loser. And so’s Dylan and Noah and Kelly and Matt and Steve and Janet and Gina and your parents- Anyway, and THEN Donna claims that she’s "feelin’ a candy binge coming on" which must mean that she’s going to go buy big bags of M&Ms and jelly beans and Jujubes and throw them at an empty chair or out the window or off the balcony or something because we know Donna-Tori isn’t actually going to EAT it.

So for some reason, instead of going to the PPAD or calling Dylan’s hotel, Davy’s come to Donna’s clothing store to see if Donna’s seen Noah around. And Donna of course is all concerned and frets if Davy "know[s] if he’s drinking?" And, like with Dylan and Stevie and Davy both this episode and in the past, WHY would you think, based on past experiences, that he WASN’T drinking?! Of COURSE he’s drinking! He broke up with you because he couldn’t satisfy your explanation about whether he was drunk or not when he killed his girlfriend so of COURSE he’s drinking! And I predict a fatal accident coming up for Noah soon. Not soon enough, of course, but soon.

And then Jerry comes in and Donna attempts to Do Comedy when he apologizes, telling him they’re "closed for lunch... brunch... whatever." And Donna, there’re better, more mature, less pathetic ways to let a man know that standing you up is rude and unacceptable, you silly bint. And Jerry and Davy do macho commiseration about how he’s "in trouble" and then Jerry gives his excuse about a late meeting and an altercation with sprinklers that caused the ink to run on the paper with Donna’s phone number. "And if it makes you feel any better people thought I wet my pants," adds Jerry, which, unfortunately, reminded me of that story my friend Birmie told me about her last dating experience, where she met the guy for a first date dinner, they sat down, chatted for a bit, and then he... told her about how he liked to pee on himself after masturbating. Yeah, she was out of there as quick as she could manage after that. Anyway, if Jerry’d seen Donna’s boobage and heard her prattling about kids and wedding in Mexico, he prolly would’ve wet his pants anyway. But Davy chortles that "you gotta give him credit for trying" and Jerry all but wets his pants for Davy exclaiming "you I like!" And this is all just too, too Mighty Elephant for me. So Donna’s preening and moue-ing and Jerry begs to "make it up to her" and Donna presents a new copy of her phone number along with... "a waterproof laundry pen" that she happens to have right there on her desk at work in a clothing store. Um. Why? "Waterproof" Ink + New Clothes + "oops!" = Big Problems for Retail Person. So Jerry leaves without making a date with David even though they wanted each other bad, and Donna continues to goon and mug.

Back at Dysfunction Junction, we’ve got Kelly the Domestic Sybarite staring in a pre-wifely passion at a cookbook and, in keeping with the sexist stereotypes, LawyerBoy comes tromping in and marches over to the stove and makes all these "what the fuck?" gestures and wants to know "what happened" to the pasta primavera that he was looking forward too. And Kelly squeaks "Yeah, so was I but I can’t stop staring at this cookbook." Ah. What’s that supposed to mean? She just got caught up in reading recipes? She’s too distracted to boil water? Anyway, then Kelly announces that she’s "out of the store" and that Donna was "very supportive" and LawyerBoy wants to "go out and celebrate" and Kelly wants to "figure out what I’m gonna DO with the rest of my life." Oh dear, Kelly... where to start? Where to start? Anyway, then Kelly wants to know why LawyerBoy was "so late" and he blathers about a conference call about the Poor Mexican Other Elvarado Perez and Kelly chastises him about working when he’s suspended and LawyerBoy says "it’ll be fine" and that the bar isn’t going to find out, basically setting up the obvious-to-even-a-two-year-old-child plot twist about the bar finding out. And why on earth would LawyerBoy even PRESUME that the bar wouldn’t find out when it would be easy as Gina and Gidget’s Niece combined (*rimshot*) to see the dates that things were filed and meetings were held and that LawyerBoy was involved. And Kelly snips "So you’re risking your career" and LawyerBoy says all Brandonesquely matter of fact "Elvarado needs me." And of course LawyerBoy’s so filled with Altruism that he wants to RISK HIS JOB TO HELP ELVARADO! I mean, come ON! And even Kelly the Martyr isn’t buying this crap, or maybe she’s just worried that she won’t get to be kept in the lifestyle to which she’s become accustomed, because she all self-sacrificingly insists that she’s going to sign the lease because they need some kind of security. And someone needs to tell Kelly that all the money in the world can make her’s and LawyerBoy’s life and relationship secure because even if you nail a piece of shit to the floor or prop it up with scaffolding or whatever to make it more "secure," it’s still a piece of shit. And LawyerBoy does the Macho Brandonesque "I’m going to take care of us" b.s. and insists that Kelly "trust" him. Which, of course, Kelly does. And were the kitchen and foyer at Dysfunction Junction always painted purple or can I take that as a personal shout-out to The Purple Living Room here?

Then we get Stupid Limo Tricks with Dylan and Gina and Gidget’s Niece and Gidget’s Niece’s Brother and Noah where Gina’s sulking and Dylan’s still brooding and for some reason pulls this self-righteous crap that Gidget’s Niece and Noah can’t do cocaine in "his" car and Gidget’s Niece gets all snarky and says "Last week we were having sex on your wet bar and now you’re acting like my daddy?" and Gina’s once again doing that pot/kettle thing as she disdainfully sniffs "Nice... nice girl" and they all glare at each other for a while. And then Shane hands Noah a bottle of champagne and someone says "Pop that bad boy open!" which must be a metaphor for Noah’s life or Dylan’s life or Gina’s life or everyone in the limo’s lives or all of their relationships or something. And then Gidget’s Niece starts spraying champagne all over everyone and, for someone who was supposedly so pissy and miserable, I notice Gina’s laughing hysterically. And so they get to the PPAD blah blah blah Davy there with Chrissy blah blah blah gets brushoff from Noah blah blah blah Gina a mess blah blah blah (with the odd "that’s not how you pat a girl’s face!" comment of hers thrown in, which, to quote xix, is a really strange thing to say) and Gina acts pissed with Dylan... for some strange reason, instead of just asking the chauffeur to drive them back to the Beverly Royale With Cheese (hee!), Dylan... pays the limo driver $1000... to leave... so that Dylan can drive. And Gina’s somehow okay with this.

At the PPAD bar, Jerry’s regaling Donna with tales of his company that "does headhunting via the Web," which is a metaphor for his and Donna’s relationship. And one of my favorite stories featuring The Husband-Type Man has to do with a "headhunter...." THTM is not only highly respected by his co-worker as an extremely intelligent and skillful manager and programmer, he’s the most ethical and honest person (and businessperson) I’ve ever known. I’m serious. This isn’t Hillsteresque Wifely Bragging; this is a fact. Anyway, THTM did some consulting for a while before accepting a permanent position with an LA-based company as their IS Manager. But somehow, his résumé must’ve gotten out, because occasionally he’d get calls from headhunters. And if he was forced to talk to one, he’d briefly say no, no, he wasn’t interested and that would be that. But there was this one headhunter that just would not leave him alone, but left repeated voicemail messages at work and tried calling him at home and kept this up for a couple weeks, and it was taking up THTM’s work time to have to listen to these long, hard-sell spiels. And finally, one evening, when he was slogging through voicemail left for him between the time he left the office and the time he got home from the New Jersey office, I witnessed something I’ve never seen before: THTM got pissed. He didn’t throw things and he didn’t curse and stomp around. No, instead he called this headhunter’s voicemail back and left the most masterful and thorough ripping-someone-a-new-asshole diatribe I’d ever been witness to, calmly stating that this headhunter’s behavior was rude and unprofessional and "this may be how you do business, but it’s not mine" and by the time he finished, I was all slack-jawed in shock because I’d NEVER heard him go off on anyone before. Plus commanding and dynamic men just rilly turn me on.

Sorry. Sorry.

So Jerry the Headhunter is trying to charm Donna by first talking about his Big Important Job ("One: you lock the target") and saying that they’re "getting ready to go public" ("Two: you bait the line"). And then he stares at Donna, mesmerized for several long seconds, brushing a strand of her hair aside with his finger ("Three: you slowly spread the net") and then he asks "Would you mind if I kissed you?" ("And four: you catch the man!") And the whole time, Donna and her Big Red Sticky Lips are staring adoringly at him and, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why Jerry isn’t frightened that Donna’s lipstick might have a flypaper-like quality and he may, like, lose a significant portion of his own face. But thank the gods, before we can see Donna and her Tongue of Doom, Jerry the Headhunter’s beeper goes off. And then Noah introduces Nu Flavor, a boy band (shout-out count: 5.5) of some kind who suddenly have all these studio effects on their voices even when they’re supposed to be singing live in a club. And then Davy sidles over to Donna and proclaims "Donna and Jerry sittin’ in a tree" and Donna, Cavern on Red Alert, "will admit to a strong and immediate connection," just asking for trouble in the same spectacularly obvious way that LawyerBoy is. And then they spy Noah and Gidget’s Niece and Donna all selflessly wonders if she should "go talk to him." Donna, WHY WASTE THE EFFORT?! And Davy agrees and then they babble about Chrissy, who has impressed Davy to no end because even though she wasn’t ready when he got to her place, she plunked him down in front of the game and got him a cold beer. Like the only thing she DIDN’T do was jump on a trampoline in a short plaid schoolgirl skirt, huh, Davy? So, thus, Davy’s "pretty much in love." Cute, huh? And funny too. Can Adam and Jimmy (and Kevin&Bean and Big Tad and the Armenian Comedian and the whole gang) please beat Davy up already?

So then there’s the stupidity of Gina bitching at Dylan in the limo about being "replaced" by that "worn-out skank." Yeah, Gina, like you’re Lil’ Miss Wholesome. And then poor Dylan whines about everyone who "makes demands" on him like "Steve and Janet constantly bitching at me about not being a good enough godfather and Kelly just sits around waiting for me to make a mistake and young David who spent the last few months preaching that [Dylan] doesn’t treat [Gina] good enough" and at this point I’m hoping that, instead of a cocaine arrest, maybe the writers have made some last minute changes in the plot and a fiery limo crash is going to prove slowly and painfully fatal to both Dylan and Gina. Pinheads. And then the cops pull them over and a joint drops from the windshield of Valerie’s car and Brandon-

And then Kick-Ass Counselor Chrissy pays LawyerBoy a lil’ visit, reminding him that he’s suspended and, as a member of the bar’s ethics committee, she has an obligation to report him if he’s practicing. This has to be the first time anyone on this show has preached "ethics" ethically. God bless Chrissy! When can she move into Dysfunction Junction and teach the other Hillsters a thing or two? But LawyerBoy musta found Brandon’s Special Heavy Duty Fillet/De-Spine-ing Knife at Casa Walsh because he actually has the AUDACITY to say to Chrissy that he’s "sure that’d be tough for you Chrissy... since we’re friends and all" complete with Meaningful Eye Contact. But Kick-Ass Chrissy deflects LawyerBoy’s jab with a thrust from her Kick-Ass Chrissy Lightsaber, calmly and unemotionally pointing out that "And as your friend I am asking you not to put me in that position. If you’re involved in this, get out." And LawyerBoy SNERKS AND ROLLS HIS EYES AT HER and is just a patronizing asshole... as if we couldn’t tell by the fact that he sent her "a beefcake calendar and a bottle of Blue Nun" when she was appointed to the ethic’s committee.

CHRISSY FUCKING ROCKS, MAN! All hail Chrissy!

And then, long story short, Gina and Dylan are whining to the police officers and the police officer gets Dylan in an authoritative choke hold when he reminds Dylie that he’s in violation of his probation and could haul him to jail. And Dylan, please give up the Rebellious Attitude, because it doesn’t make you look brave or fearless, it just makes you look like an asshole. Plus, in California, with the three strikes law, I think Dylan’d already be looking at hard time.

So. Anyway. Without the names of anyone in their party except Dylan, Gina and Noah, the police have been able to discern that one of their "friends" is a major drug dealer. And how on EARTH could the police officers know that someone in their party was "trafficking over two million dollars a year in narcotics"?? Was there an ID number on the cocaine? I mean, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! Ladies and gentlemen, let stupidity reign!

And Dylan asks for "an hour." Whatever. Why would he even CARE about Gidget’s Niece, much less feel the need to protect her?!

Then it’s time for That Damn Darby’s second interview with Skeevy Stevie and Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife (now Janet: BJNW) and for some reason, Darby’s, like, more innocent that Donna Martin ever was! I was expecting her to announce that she was Mormon! And the over-the-top properness? Calling Steve and Janet "Mr. and Mrs. Sanders" because she was raised TO RESPECT HER ELDERS?! I mean, they’re, what, two years older?! Darby could’ve at least said "respect her employers" instead. And then Steve is being Mr. Super Extra Dooper Friendly when he finds out Darby also went to CU. And then Noah comes in an orders a large coffee to go before coming over and creaming all over Darby and immediately announces "I’ll take you out tomorrow night" and of course Darby can’t resist Noah’s charms and instead of saying "Oh WILL you, you arrogant asshole?" just gazes up at him in awe and delight. And Skeevy Stevie gets a major bug up his butt and pulls this over-the-top "protective" routine. And Noah calls Steve "Grandpa" which must be a reference to his hairline. And then Janet: BJNW proves that not only was The Real Janet replaced by an alien impostor about two seasons ago, but that alien impostor modeled the new Janet on all other Typical Hillster Women because she’s telling Darby Noah’s dating history and how "sweet" he is.... Okay. Which proves that Janet: BJNW is SO obviously NO judge of men in general and Hillsters in particular that I would move that Mediarama formally files for custody of Maddy. So Darby goes on and on and ON with how she wasn’t "brought up that way" and she "hasn’t... ever" done "anything." And WHY this completely outrageously excessive exorbitant establishment of Darby as a Squeaky Clean Good Girl? Can 90210 ever deal with anything other then superlatives and disproportionates and excesses and incongruous unrealities?! *stamp, stamp, huff*

Anyway. So, despite having been arrested for possession of cocaine and showing an offensive amount of ‘tude to the cops at the station, Dylan is somehow free to roam down to the Peach Pit on a motorcycle (where and when’d he pick that up?) to go off on Noah about their mutual slut whose name Dylan can’t even remember even though he did her a couple nights ago and has been hanging out with her and her crowd for a couple weeks. And then to add to the gross unreality, Kelly’s waiting for Dylan because Donna saw something in the so-called Chronicle ­ the same tabloid-whatever paper that featured the Who’s Who ­ about his arrest and "drugs in his car"! And Kelly pulls Hillster Truism Number 2 when she insists "I’m just here because I care about what happens to you" and Dylan starts making snide comments about interventions and not wanting to "go to some group picnic at the Hollywood Sign."

And Kelly, God bless her pink cashmere heart, musta been picking up on the Kick-Ass Chrissy vibe because for a change, instead of huffing or whining she just steadily says: "Don’t talk to me that way, Dylan." Of course, I would’ve added something about his being a rude, selfish prick, but that’s just me. Anyhow, it’s still a crumb from milady’s table. But Dylan doesn’t like being talked to like that so he takes his rebellious bad ass self off on his motorcycle while Kelly looks worriedly miffed. And if Dylan is so pressured and put-upon and made-demands-at and hates it all so much, then why’s he sticking around Beverly Hills? It’s not like he has any good reason to. It looks like he’s done with his stint at Andrew’s Center for Po’ Chilluns. I know... Kelly’s his soulm-

And then at Now Wipe This, Kelly looks like she actually... might’ve... put in a full day of work, believe it or not. And stupid White Bread LawyerBoy marches in to announce that he’s Saved the Poor Mexican Other and gotten him a check for "10,000 smakeroos" and it only took "an hour" and then he preens and says "score one for the good guys." And it’s clear why Kelly is so in love with LawyerBoy, because he combines all the qualities of her Two Great Loves: he’s chumpy and full of himself and inflexible and only sees things in black and white and he’s always right, and he lies to her and patronizes her and he thinks he’s above the rules/laws for whatever reason, and he has no sense of responsibility (personal or otherwise) and he dresses like a goof and thinks that he can save people and every so often he makes token statements/takes token actions to make it seem like he’s benevolent and not a sexist pig and not a self-involved jerk, but we know the truth.

If they’re going to get married, why hasn’t Kelly met his parents yet? Has he gotten a divorce from his schizoid first wife? Will he have ANY non-Hillster friends to invite to the wedding, if it even takes place? (What’re the chances of another last minute wedding cancellation?)

Anyway, and then Kelly whines to LawyerBoy that she’s had a bad day because "Dylan was a jerk," but with characteristic Kelly Hedonism "doesn’t want to ruin the moment by talking about it." Well, Kel, then why’d you even mention it?

Then Kelly listens to a message on the store’s answering machine, which means she must not’ve put in a full day’s work, and that the store must’ve been left unattended once again in the middle of the day because Donna’s either called to leave her a message or has had to resort to leaving Kelly a voice memo because she didn’t see her in person at some point, telling her about not dating the store lease next to her document and how Donna had to forge it and, all cute, "is that illegal?" And she’s off to meet Jerry, who, according to her, is "SUCH boyfriend potential!" Like, Donna, GET A LIFE! Even if it means designing more sweaters, please! And then Kelly and LawyerBoy have an Altercation about Kelly’s having signed the lease. And really, LawyerBoy, signing the lease has nothing to do with whether or not Kelly actually works at the store, as we’ve all seen well enough. Anyway, Kelly, of course "did it for me, I got cold feet" about "exploring options." And then LawyerBoy tells Kelly that she until she can "stop trying to control things and start having faith that change isn’t such a bad thing, you know what, you’re not gonna be happy either." Yeah, ‘cos LawyerBoy’s livin’ the dream. And then they have to stare at each other all consternated because, of course, they both know that LawyerBoy is right, as always.

And Donna and her White Bread Stud are at Montzinos restaurant, where Jerry the Headhunter announces that "this is where my grandparents got engaged... 1947, just after the war" which probably isn’t the best thing to say to Desperate Donna, because she immediately starts visualizing Jerry pulling out a Big Honkin’ Diamond Ring or asking her if they can name their children after his grandparents or at the very least intimating that "and when I ask you to marry me, I’ll ask you here, too." And she’s gooning and displaying The Cavern, which, if I were Jerry, would’ve put me off my dinner. And then Jerry the Headhunter, who is just soooooo romantic, asks Donna to dance. And even though this is only, what, their second date, they start making out on the dance floor, but, quicker than Tori’s tongue can slither forth, an incensed woman stomps up, grabs Jerry, and smacks him in the face, calling him a cheating bastard. Wow. Wotta surprise. And in another unforeseen plot twist, the woman reveals that she’s not Jerry’s girlfriend, she’s Jerry’s wife. Wow. Wotta surprise. But the Kick-Ass Chrissy vibe is still going strong, because Jerry’s wife announces that she’s through with him and I think she really means it.

But unfortunately, Donna got too big a whiff, because SHE then slaps Jerry not once but TWICE! "That’s for lying to me... and that’s for making me believe in you!" Um, Donna, I can tell you from experience too, hon, that you don’t start imagining the wedding even before your first date. Grow up. And Donna does the Donna Stomp outa the restaurant and Jerry the Headhunter (see? See how it all comes together!) looks frustrated ‘cos he ain’t gonna be gettin’ any tonight.

But let the Kick-Ass Chrissy Vibe rage on! The next morning Chrissy corners LawyerBoy at the coffee stand to inform him that "three Williams food employees called the bar this afternoon looking for referrals" based on LawyerBoy’s recent settlement. And LawyerBoy continues to patronize Chrissy and act self-righteous and controlling and does Innocent Puppy Eyes, and then asks her if she would’ve been willing to mediate that case "for a measly 10 grand" and "no lawyer" would’ve taken that case.... So are we to infer that LawyerBoy lied when he told the Poor Mexican Other that he’d called a dozen other attorneys and no one was available?! Wouldn’t surprise me none. Anyway, Kick-Ass Chrissy informs LawyerBoy, quite correctly, that "there’re always other options!" and I’m ready to, like, move into Dysfunction Junction WITH her at this point. And do her laundry. Anyway LawyerBoy pulls that "Aren’t I Sincere" apology crap, but Kick-Ass Chrissy sees it as the bullshit it is and says "You violated my trust" and that his apology "isn’t enough." Awright Chrissy! And LawyerBoy’s left huffing because (aw, how UNFAIR), he’s going to have to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS! Why on EARTH would LawyerBoy think he wouldn’t get found out?

And then the Moronicacy continues back at Dysfunction Junction where Kelly and Matt’re spooning and gooning on a beach chair, and Kelly’s pissy... that... Chrissy told on LawyerBoy. Come ON! She’s not doing it to be mean, Kelly! It’s her responsibility! It’s her job! But Kelly huffs that Chrissy’s "definitely off the invite list!" which is pretty much a metaphor for Kelly’s whole life and existence. Like, oh, I’m sure THAT’S gonna destroy Chrissy, you selfish brat! And Kelly adds "And no more set-ups for David!" And LawyerBoy magnanimously says "It’s not [David’s] fault" (whatever) and is so upset that he’s doing a Gina impersonation with his sweater cuffs as he tries to make Kelly and us believe that what "matters" most to him is that Elvarado gets to keep his settlement money. Sure, LawyerBoy. And Kelly coos "You’re a hero!" even though she’d warned LawyerBoy earlier about not risking things. Yeah, Kelly, the glass is half-full with pee and acid and poison, but at least the glass is half full!

But, in true Kelly form, what has her all worked up is that "I’m kind of having a hard time right now" because "all of a sudden this group that I’ve known for so long is growing up... friends are pulling away... I just want to yank them back in and keep everything the way it was, you know." Hello, Kelly? "All of a sudden?" Where have you BEEN since high school? Or even since college?! I think, also, that it’s particularly touching that Kelly is concerned not about moving on herself, but with others moving away from HER! And "staying at the store" is part of that. And LawyerBoy pledges his support and Kelly pledges "No, I have to grow up too!" and it’s the whole "without a safety net" metaphor that we saw at high school graduation and college graduation and Kelly’s pregnancy and Kelly’s pending marriage to Brandon and all that. And speaking of Brandon, LawyerBoy’s all "stick with me kid!" totally patronizing, because, of course, LawyerBoy = Safety. And they coo and kiss and all that again.

And it’s another meeting of The Losers’ Club at Davy’s house, where they whine and all that and then when Donna asks "What about Chrissy," Davy.. Davy actually says "After Matt told me what she did to him I really didn’t want to see her again." Wait a second. Davy dumped Chrissy because she acted ETHICALLY!? No loss, Chrissy! Go forth and Kick Ass some more! "Get this... she understood! I mean, some weeping and begging would’ve been nice" adds Davy. Um. As Lil’ Richard would say, "Shut UP!" I guess Davy wanting "weeping and begging" is a metaphor for his perspective of romantic relationships. And then Donna decides to start throwing candy at him again, which is a metaphor for their pending reunion, in which Donna will "give David some candy"... and he’ll let it spill all over the place and make a big mess of it all.

So back at Casa Skeevy, Janet: BJNW is proclaiming "fed, changed and happy," not about Maddy, but about her and Stevie. Give up the ghost, Janet. And, of course, they have to talk about how "great" Darby is. And after talking about her date with Noah, Stevie says (warning bell!) "I don’t know why I’m so protective of her" and Janet says "Well Darby’s like family. We’ve bonded." AFTER LESS THAN A DAY!? She’s so Like Family that they’ve actually given her the baby’s room and moved Maddy in with them. Okay.

And at the PPAD, Darby, who’s there on a date with Noah, is booty-dancing with some other guy. And Darby’s all excited about the fact that they’re going to take the limo, which I would’ve thought would’ve been impounded after the cops found drugs in it.

And then at the Royale, Gina’s moping on the couch all alone watching TV, Dylan comes over to charm her and kiss up to her, for whatever reason. He announces that the police "dropped the charges" and then Gina announces that, because THEIR SPEEDING CHARGES ARE FOR SOME REASON ON THE FRONT PAGE OF AN LA NEWSPAPER, her agent is dropping her as a spokesperson for the gym. And in favor of Michelle Kwan, no less. Gina? If they could get Michelle Kwan in the first place, WHY WOULD THEY’VE WANTED YOU? Then Dylan offers to "buy you a gym" and Gina claims that she just wants Dylan out of her life "because as much as I want you in it you always screw things up for me" and Dylan tries "Gina..." and Gina again claims that she’s "not getting sucked back in" and tells him to go away and Dylan huffs and smirks and looks skeptical and then goes back to his room where Gidget’s Niece’s Brother has come to Avenge his sister. Could this get any lamer?

And for some reason, Skeevy Stevie is doing a lame-oid caricature of an overprotective father, waiting up for Darby. And Darby and Noah pull up in a limo, and have been going at it so violently that they’re covered in blood! Gawd! And, say, Noah, if you’re supposedly so concerned about getting Darby back inside and what Steve’s reaction might be, why would you stop outside the limo to maul her some more? Oh, God, and then in the Skeeviness to end all Previous Skeeviness, after Darby’s scooted inside, Stevie announces that Noah "has that ‘I slept with a nanny’ look" and actually pumps Noah for details! And it turns out it wasn’t blood on them in the limo, but chocolate syrup. And as Noah reveals TMI, Skeevy Stevie does Overdone Wonky Eyebrows and... examines a hickey on Noah’s neck... and... eventually remembers that he, too, has done Darby back at CU. Um. Why would not only Stevie but also Darby NOT REMEMBER EACH OTHER? I suppose because they’re equally matched in Skeeviness. And I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take for Punishment to descend on That Damn Darby because, in true Hillster Double Standard, it’s okay for guys to be players and have casual sex but not girls. Why was it necessary to take things over the top in establishing Darby as the Chastest of the Chaste? Yeah, yeah, it only makes the contrast with Darby the Slut that much more fuh-nee....

Now, in regards to next week’s episode... why would it come as ANY surprise to Janet that Stevie is Skeevy? And why would it come as ANY surprise to us that Kelly reacts to Matt’s brother’s request that Matt be a surrogate father by saying not that it bothers her or that they should talk about it, but rather that "I don’t want you to do this!" which is a metaphor- Oh, hell, no metaphor here! This is straightforward stuff! Of COURSE Kelly doesn’t want him to do this! How DARE LawyerBoy deny Kelly their own exclusive children?! That’s HER sperm, LawyerBoy! Give it all to her!

Please, God, could this be the beginning of the end of Kelly and LawyerBoy?

Dwanollah

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