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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:MARCH 22, 2000
"Spring Fever"
March 22, 2000

Okay, here 'tis....

Hard to believe there're only five of these left after this one....

Don't get me wrong... I'm glad the show's ending. I think the end, in fact, is long overdue. But there're only five Rants left. Five opportunities for replete raging and copious complaining... five opportunities for kicking the Hillsters when they're down like the dead horses they are... five opportunities for prolonged, narcissistic diatribes on whatever I want.... It's enough to make a Ranting Girl a little wistful, enough to make her wonder "what next...?"

It was something The Husband-Type Man and I were discussing on our sojourn down in Cabo San Lucas several months back... what would be my Creative Outlet once the gang from Beverly Hills - and subsequently, me, in my commitment to see the Ickiness through to the end - went on to other things? We discussed ideas... I made a lot of notes, sitting in the sun in the mornings before it got too hot... I've mulled over possibilities in the time since. And this week, concrete steps were taken in my post-90210 Ranting... the beginnings of what will soon become my own little corner of the World Wide Web... the beginnings of, yes, you read it here first, dwanollah.com!

Details will follow as I actually have them.

Anyway, we're moving slowly but steadily toward the Great Big Final Conclusion of 90210. According to those H'wood entertainment shows, Valerie's definitely coming back for the final episode. And that's made me continue to speculate about the Final 90210 Solution. My new prediction: I think Val's gonna show up to get Kelly's blessing because she and Brandon got/are getting married. And then Kelly can really move forward to be with her Soulmate Dylan and Donna can move forward with her Soulmate David. That's what I think. As for the Barbie Dreamhouse Wedding, well, we can only continue to hope. (I'm not sure if we're hoping for or against it, but we're hoping nonetheless.) And then also, supposedly The Mister is working on a made-for-TV 90210 movie because he thought the show would be continuing for the next season and there wasn't time to wrap everything up. Which means that if we don't get the Bazooka Barbie Dreamhouse wedding in May, then we're sure to get a two-hour Barbie Dreamhouse Wedding Bonanza come fall, so that Donna-Tori has plenty of time to be properly showcased. So, hey, writers and stuff, if you need a hand, gimme a call, 'kay?

On to Ranting!

I noticed something rilly grody in the "previously" shots... Camille, when she's outside the store Gooning with Davy, is MAJORLY gum-chewing!

So the first thing that happens in tonight's episode is perhaps symbolic of the Heights of Unrealistickness that the show will push toward in its Final Five: we see Donna, all pathetically alone at night at Dysfunction Junction, eating - actually EATING - ice cream. Yeah, so we only see her put one spoonful in her mouth, but she doesn't spit it out afterwards! No! We actually see her making chewing motions on the same caliber as Camille's gum chawin'!

Of course, that was prolly the only solid food she ate all week, but....

Anyway, she's on the phone talking to Felice, complaining "Mom, just because I'm in tonight does NOT mean I'm feeling sorry for myself!" And because she's doing a poor-single-girl-at-home-all-alone routine, she's got all her makeup on and her hair all foofed and is dressed in some ultra-kute girly-girly pinky-winky tied-dyed tank top. And actually, because The Husband-Type Man had to take yet another quick jaunt out to LA to interview some potential new programmers, wotta coincidence... I'M doing the at-home-all-alone thing too, and of COURSE I have my hair up in two rilly kute braids and my make-up is all done nicely and I'm dressed in this little baby tee and trendy little hipster shorts, because you KNOW I wouldn't be, like, sitting around The Purple Living Room wearing a pair of old baggy sweat shorts and this two-year-old Old Navy t-shirt with my hair yanked up haphazardly with one of those giant hair clip thingies, now, right...? And for some reason, Felice Martin... MRS. DOCTOR MARTIN, widowed only a few short weeks ago... is sitting at her polished mahogany vanity table dressed in the kind of Beverly Hills Matron silk bathrobe that Kelly "I WANT THAT!" Taylor has been aspiring to for years... chowing down on ice-cream and lecturing Poor Tragic Single Donna about how "before I met your father I went to where they BOYS were, I didn't stay home!" And Donna protests that if she wasn't at home, she "wouldn't be able to take your 'do-you-have-a-boyfriend-yet' calls. Because I'm sure Felice's primary concern, mere weeks after her husband - the glue that held her together - suddenly dropped dead, would be whether or not Donna's found a boyfriend yet in those few weeks of (supposed) mourning. And Felice says "I just want you to be happy" because, Felice's maternal meddling aside, we all know that you HAVE TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND to be happy! And because Donna's already eaten her quota of fatty, sugary dairy products for this year, she just kind of plays with her ice cream for the rest of the phone call, in which Felice, predictably, after saying "I just want you to be happy" IMMEDIATLY asks "How's David?" Because I guess Felice, being the good Catholic that she is, prolly wants Donna to somehow erase her past Sinful Ways by marrying the boy to whom she originally sacrificed her Great White Virginity. You know, the kind of logic, like my (names have been changed) great-aunt Francie and my great-uncle Sal who, back not too long after the whole Sicilian family took the boat to America and finally settled in Boston in the 1930s, got, um... "in trouble"... and attempted to hide the pregnancy for quite a few months. And in order to "fix" things up really quick once Francie started to show, their families rushed them to the priest, who married them, but so that there was no "shame" about the baby, they ...put him up for adoption when he was born. But they all considered everything was okay, because Sal and Francie had gotten properly married and then went on to have, like, six other kids and no one was the wiser... until this middle-aged guy in his fifties tracked them down not too long before Francie croaked (Sal was long gone by that time).

Anyway, of COURSE Donna doesn't say anything like "Give it a rest, Ma, I AM happy" or "You know, a woman can be fulfilled without dating or having a boyfriend!" because there's no way that Donna can be happy unless she's in Luuuuuv. No, Donna doesn't even have time to get even a half-hearted protest, because Felice has immediately asked her "How's David?" And Donna makes a sad, sticky smile and plays with her ice cream some more and goes "How's... David...? I don't think I've ever heard you connect those two ideas." What ideas? "How" and "David"...? And Felice goes "Well, I think he's been a good friend to you." And Felice must be REALLY desperate to see Donna married before the ripe old age of 24 because are we REALLY supposed to believe that Felice - FELICE MARTIN - is going to REALLY want to see Donna reunited with Davy? And Donna goes "Yeah he is, and he's actually seeing someone... you know Camille, from the store...?" and Felice goes "Is she the girl with the too-short hair?" and Donna snickers kinda snottily and plays with her ice cream and goes "Yeah, Mom." And then Felice wants to know where Kelly is and Donna goes into a total snit and snaps "She's OUT! With MATT!" Because God forbid Donna be single, it's only exacerbated by the fact that her best friend Kelly is ONE HALF OF A HAPPY COUPLE! And Donna keeps snipping "This is a great pep-talk-" and then she stops talking until she hears Kelly giggling and clomping around on the back patio, and blathers "Oh...uh... Kelly and Matt're home and I'm not really dressed!" And Felice goes "Well, if you were out on a DATE you would be!" Um, don't count on it, Felice... I've seen what Donna wears to the PPAD! And Donna's squeaking and sliding out of the chair to hide from view as Kelly and LawyerBoy gallumph into Dysfunction Junction, snogging and squealing and making obnoxious soggy giggles... well, Kelly's squeaking and making soggy giggles, while LawyerBoy mounts her in the hallway and chuckles and they exchange hot and passionate dialogue like: "Is that your hand?" "You want me to move it?" "Nooo, I LIKE it!" and there's a cacophony of more squeaks and squeals and giggles as then Kelly mounts LawyerBoy and LawyerBoy bears her off and away and there's the slam of the (ostensibly) bedroom door. And I fear I'm actually disturbing my neighbors as I yelp "EYEEEEW" and cringe on the couch. But for some reason, Newly Widowed and Prude Catholic Felice is... actually interested in the, um, proceedings, and is asking "What's happening?" and Donna groans and grumbles "Nothing, nothing... I'm going to bed...." And Felice... Felice goes "Alright, but get yourself a nice LONG [oh GOD!] nightgown!" Um... "get yourself a nice LONG nightgown"? Not "put on a robe!" ...? Or does Felice think a long sexy nightgown is what Donna needs to catch a man...? And then Felice goes "I luv you!" and Donna grumbles "Yeah, I'll get the jammies with the feet" because of COURSE Donna doesn't need a pretty nightgown if she doesn't have a MAN in her life. God knows, without a man, you should just be sitting around in long red flannel underwear with a flap in back or something. And then Donna goes "Luv you too" and hangs up... and then... picks up a pile of bridal magazines! Yes! I almost didn't catch that myself, but she deliberately leaves the Marie Claire and other fashion magazines, but takes ONLY THE BRIDAL MAGAZINES, which I'll take as a double-shout-out to my constant complaints that Kelly and LB have done NO wedding planning, as well as to the Anticipated Barbie Dreamhouse Wedding to close out the series.... And Donna, could your little purple tie-dyed shorts be any shorter? Glad we got two special butt-cheek-cam shots of 'em....

And that's all we see of Felice this episode, too... eating ice-cream and telling Donna she needs a boyfriend. Oh how the high and mighty have fallen.... Anyway. So Donna huffs and rolls her eyes a lot as she stomps off to her room with her magazines, which I can't really blame her for, what with all the caterwauling coming from Kelly's room.... And WHY would Kelly and LB be having Noisy Foreplay anyway, with Donna home... unless they supposedly think she's out or something...? But the Antics are really giving me a case of the Ickies, as LB laughs and Kelly yelps and giggles and squeals like a stuck pig, and I'm scribbling "EYEW!" in my notes as Donna... Donna gets into bed, rolls her eyes, and huffs all exaggeratedly, "EYEW!" Which I'll take as another shout-out, thank you very much. So to drown out the heebie-jeebie hullabaloo, she turns on the radio to, of COURSE, Davy's "Lovephone" or "Sexline" or whatever it is, where Davy is sitting in his stupid DJ booth at the PPAD taking a "fantasy" phone call from a guy who says that his fantasy is that "she doesn't talk" not just during sex, but "ever" because "chix can drive you nuts with all that yap yap yap... especially the smart ones!" And what guy who wanted a non-talkative girl in the first place would ever acknowledge that "chix" can be smart? I mean, "because they're all stupid and they never have anything to say anyway" would be more characteristic (and I should know, since the better part of my male authority figures whilst I was growing up were of this mentality). But this is merely a vehicle for Sensitive DJ Man Davy Silver to respond all pro-women "You... pal... are lame" and hang up on him. Yeah, this is the same Davy who has before said "If you're not sleeping with her, then you shouldn't be paying her rent!" Anyway, Davy announces that the topic for tonight is "sexual fantasies" and I recoil in horror as he actually says, "You present 'em, I rank 'em with my... Steam-O-Meter" so help me God. And I'm so repulsed I can't even make my usual sexual fantasy comments about me, Simon LeBon, a bottle of oil and a sheetless waterbed....

And Donna's listening to this with her knees all drawn up and making her Little Girl Sweet An' Innocent Sticky Lips faces as she listens to Silver-Tongued Davy Silver's voice floating out to her on the radio airwaves....

And then Camille Desmond, lounging in her Campy Seductress bed in a Campy Seductress red lacy nightgown, talking on her Campy Seductress old-fashioned phone, has to go and call Davy's show because she has a fantasy "that may just rock your world...!" And Donna, alone in her bedroom, makes a face of great disgust and goes "CAMILLE?!" So. What is her fantasy, boss? "My boyfriend takes me somewhere nice... but crowded... and then we find a secret spot and make love!" That'd be the butt, Bob...? And Davy plays with his phallic pen as he asks Camille if she is "envisioning any specific... locations?" and both Donna and I groan simultaneously "Oh God, no!" and so Camille tells him maybe "the planetarium at Griffith Park... or there is a glass elevator at the Beverly Center...." Because, yeah, both of those are realistic locals to knock boots. And I guess Camille and Davy are hoping all six of Davy's radio listeners will head on over to those places to watch for themselves. And then Davy just blew his wad a la American Pie because he announces "Well I think my Steam-O-Meter just exploded!" Well, Davy, I think my lower intestine just exploded. And Davy continues to fiddle with his phallic pen rilly hard and fast as he says "And you're lucky, caller, I'm fairly confident this fantasy is do-able." The word "do-able" + Davy Silver is NOT a good combination. And Donna must feel the same way as me, because she rolls her eyes heaven-ward and quirks her lips a couple times in exasperation while Davy and Camille continue to bather and banter banally until finally she huffs an big put-upon sigh and raises her hands almost Jewish Mother-like and then slaps the radio off and huffs again... and then there's a thump and more squawks and giggles and guffaws from (ostensibly) Kelly's bedroom and Donna rolls her eyes around some more and huffs some more and grabs her pillows and clamps them around her head and whines "Why me?!", which I'll take as another shout-out, because that's exactly how I feel right about 8:02 p.m. on Wednesday nights. Why doesn't Donna just yell for Kelly to keep it down, or that there're other people in the apartment besides her and LawyerBoy, or (like someone posted on Hissyfit a while back) "Hey, you know your private life? It isn't!"...? Or bang on the wall...? Stomp and slam around, if she has to be all passive-aggressive about it...? And if Davy is such a Hott radio professional, why doesn't he have a phone screener?

And after the same old credits that show the same old BH stores and the same old milk-delivery scene (even though I've never seen milk being delivered anywhere in LA myself), we have to stomach this gruesome scene at the Peach Pit, where Nat makes his first appearance in month to... sing a (as close as I can figure out, the name is) Borscht sausage (which, if that actually is the name, would actually be a really peculiar choice of names for a brand of sausage, considering traditional Jewish dietary laws and all that....) jingle with Janet (who chimes in with worse harmonies than when I sing along with The Beatles) about "big pork taste" and "makes a great wiener!" ... because Kelly's latest PR stint is evidentially to work on some commercial, despite the fact that one usually hires ad execs for something like this. And, "we were gonna hire Nat" claims Kelly, but now Kelly's Kommercial Koncept involves "a 60s-style cocktail party," which of COURSE I have to take as a personal shout-out to my penchant for themed parties, including the Plastic Velveeta Ultralounge bash I threw to celebrate getting my BA, or the 60s style cocktail music I break out for fondue parties, or even the Snooty Cocktail Party I'm having this coming weekend when one of my old buds from San Diego comes to visit for a week. And Stevie even says the obvious, "That sounds more like advertising than PR" and Kelly doesn't so much as answer the question as to just babble "Yeah, well, Mr. Borscht has his own ideas... which is why I have to talk to Maddy!" And then Kelly coos in her icky baby-talk voice to Maddy: "How would you like to have your picture taken with some of LA's cutest kids?" And Maddy projectile vomits on Kelly and then growls "Don't you patronize ME, you talentless little tart!" But Stevie claims that Maddy just "said no"... and when Kelly offers $500, Maddy says "When hell freezes over! I'm not a prostitute and, unlike you and your surface-oriented friends, I can't be bought and paid for, so kiss my diapered ass, bitch!" but Stevie only mentions the "when hell freezes over" bit and then chastises Maddy for her foul language. But Janet the Bossy Nagging Jealous Wife has been fully integrated into the Cult of Hillsterism, because she is frothing at the mouth and her eyes are wide and bright with visions of fame and fortune dancing in her head and she chirps "It sounds great to ME!" And Kelly's even guaranteed "There'll be a top photographer there... you'll get something cute for your baby book." Which is really nice of Kelly to just offer up the photographer's proofs as a souvenir to Stevie and Janet, despite the fact that all photos taken under contract are usually either 1) the property of the photographer, and he sells them to his client or 2) the property of the client... who, I might point out, is not Janet, but Mr. Borscht, and he might object to Kelly giving away the pictures he's commissioned for part of an ad campaign for her friends' baby book purposes. And Stevie protests that his mom was "on the Hartley House and I grew up around all these child actors" and Maddy's life will end up "sex, drugs and rock-star boyfriends! Before you know it, we'll be raiding her bank account and then she'll be dissing us on E! True Hollywood Stories...." Which is a nice little commercial for the Jennie Garth one that they've been showing all month. And then, to make his point, Stevie sneers "Nyo!" as Kelly quirks her lips and Janet rolls her eyes and makes BJNW faces and corrects "OR! We could put it into Maddy's college fund!" And Maddy chirps up, "Hey, you dumb loser, how about you put in into my psychotherapy fund, huh?" and pegs her rattle at Janet's head. But Janet's oblivious and is gushing "I'll go with her!" to the Big Photo Shoot in which Kelly is going to re-do Donna's stint at a commercial production with a demanding and eccentric product owner and a pushy stage mom. And Stevie lectures Janet "You have copy editing!" which Janet pooh-poohs with a wave of her hand because why should she WORK when she could be a bossy, jealous, nagging STAGE MOM instead! And Kelly and Janet wrap up the details, leaving Steve to shout bemusedly "Does the name Corey Feldman mean anything to anybody?" And everyone, including a couple customers, just stare at him. And a few years ago, KROQ's morning DJ team, Kevin and Bean, were doing their annual coverage of the Oscars or the Grammys or somesuch award show, with all of these pre-show interviews with various celebrities who would join them on their little Kevin and Bean stage platform surrounded by happy fans. And they were playing back the interviews on the show the next day and creaming and star-fucking about Tea Leoni and David Ducovney and Tyra Banks and even, like, Bobcat Goldthwaite... but suddenly there's this big lull in the interviews, and they explain that after they'd finished interviewing someone and the crowd had cheered them, Corey Feldman jumped up on stage and started mugging and waving, clearly expecting to be interviewed and fawned over... but Kevin and Bean ignored him and started talking to the techs, and the crowd just kind of went silent, and Corey stood there for a moment, and then jumped back down and slunk away.

So then Kelly, having secured Maddy for her big photo shoot, bounds off through the PP back door, listening to her voice mail on her cell phone or something, and Dylan McKay accosts her so Kelly can prattle about how busy she is. And then some guy on a dirt bike comes zooming into the parking lot, and Kelly gets majorly pissy when she realizes it's LawyerBoy, and she stomps over, demanding "What just happened?!" And (*yawn*) LB and Dylan babble about dirt bikes while Kelly snits and LB removes the leather jacket he's apparently borrowed and hands it to Dylan, now astride on the bike, but Dylan just kind of has it draped over his lap and... after their Bike Blather, he just vrooms off on the motorcycle with it still there on his lap. And LB's standing behind in his Chumpy LB Sweater Vest making a Rockyesque "Victory" pose and jumping up and down. O-kay. And Kelly pouts and whines "What happened to my sensitive man who cooks?" which, of course, I have to take as a shout-out to the times I've gushed a la Kathie Lee Gifford about how wonderful The Husband-Type Man is and what a good cook he is. Because we know LB doesn't cook, based on the tiff he threw not too long ago about Kelly not fixing his pasta primavera for dinner... unless it's a continuity thing back to the stupid deal about LB hiring some chick to come to Casa Non-Walsh and teach him to cook 'way back when.

And instead of actually fleshing out plotlines they've already started, such as Kelly and LB planning a wedding, or LB being a sperm donor for his brother, or Kelly taking some certification test to be a counselor, or Dylan going back to college, or Andrew the Gay Other and the Charity Case Kids or any of that, the writers have decided to just re-do old 90210 plots some more, because along with Kelly re-creating Donna's stage mom experience, Dylan and Faux Brandon LawyerBoy are going "road trippin'" (you'll get the double meaning later...intense)... on motorcycles... to be friends... despite the fact that they're in love with the same woman.... And when LB protests "You wanted us to be friends," Kelly remonstrates "Yeah, in a... 'let's go get a beer' kinda way" which is a great friendship to have with an alcoholic. And then she wants to know "What're you guys gonna talk about all weekend?!" Because, of course, Kelly has an outline of Kelly Subjects, in order of importance and complete with notes and subsets of subjects, to present to LB in preparation for this trip, so he can talk about Her in Her full glory. And LB's on to her, because he guffaws and goes "Wait, you think we're gonna talk about you, is that it?" And Kelly squonches up her lil' rosebud lips and pouts and says "Nooo" and then coos "Have a nice trip.... If you get hurt, I'll kill ya!" and socks him. Ah, love. And then LB holds her car door for her and says "drive safe" and they kiss and grin at each other all lovebirdy.

Yeah, they're goin' down....

And it's Donnanctics time, because over at No-Show This, Donna's pouting and sulking and huffing and scowling and rolling her eyes and making frowny faces and rough-housing with dress mannequins and merchandise every time she sees a happy couple, because it stings. You know? It hurts her. It causes her anguish and trauma, because Donna is-a so lonely, baby... she's-a so lonely... she's-a so lonely, she could die. Poor Donna. Poor, poor, poor sad 'n lonely Donna.... And Camille comes in and instigates what is going to be the central focus of this episode - a Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest - by immediately gushing about the "great look" of her latest ensemble in the window, how "sexy!" and "revealing!" it is.... Which leads Poor Bitter Jealous Lonely Lil' Donna to chide "Kinda like you on the radio last night...?" and Camille giggles and gushes "Did you hear that?! I don't know what came over me!" Did it involve severe headaches, sweating and convulsions, Camille? And Donna fake-laughs and, as Camille doings off to answer the ringing phone, Donna sulks again and glares hateful shit at Camille's back. And it's Davy, who wants to know if Camille might "want to take a trip to the Santa Monica pier? Clothing is optional." Which is nice, considering the Pier is a total family/little kid kind of place, and it's also right by Donna's apartment. And I just want to say, supposedly last week, Davy had this Big Deep Meaningful Revelation that he can't leave Los Angeles because he's still in love with Donna, he "can't shake" her, and all that stuff. Yet. He continues a relationship with Camille, continues to have randy, lustful, naughty sex with her...? I mean, of COURSE we've seen in the past that Davy can supposedly be all so in love with Donna, but has these NEEDS and just HAS to have sex with other women, but that doesn't change his feelings for Donna, right? Right?! Anyway, Davy wants Camille to, like, bail on work RIGHT NOW because he's HORNY! And as Camille coos to Davy to "meet me at closing," Donna continues to huff and roll her eyes. And then Camille doings over to Donna and wants to know if she minds if she "leave(s) a couple minutes early tonight?" which actually takes major balls. And Donna kinda snips "Well, you know what you need to get done, so...." and we're back to that whole skanky "doing Davy" motif. Uch. And Camille's oblivious to Donna's sulking and pouting, and chirps "Great! I'll get started" and doings away again, leaving Donna to pout and sulk and huff and scowl and roll her eyes and make frowny faces and rough-house with dress mannequins and merchandise, all with those Sad Lip Moue Twitches. Poor Donna.

Warning: the next sausage commercial scene contains an over-abundance of the following:

  • a stereotypical prissy photographer who makes bitchy comments
  • a stereotypical loudmouthed all-American businessman who makes bossy jingoistic comments
  • Kelly, who is her usual snippy self under her "aren't I professional" façade
  • Bossy, Jealous, Nagging Stage Mothers, Janet most emphatically included
  • "Weenie Babies" in frighteningly Ann Geddesish hot dog costumes
  • Janet, deliriously gloating over "My daughter... lead bun!"

Let those Wacky Hijinx roll on!!

And then over at the PPAD, we're still being environmentally conscious and recycling as Noah engages in faux-Dylan shtick: he attempts to Save an Alcoholic Other, a la that Sarah the Surf Betty plot: this poor, sad, winsome girl sits at the bar and orders a vodka martini, and Noah... after staring at her contemplatively for a moment... gives her a glass of fizzy water with lime. And Noah has nothing on James Brown as he tells the girl "I'm Noah. Szhmmumuphhfuteem?" - which, after about six tries, I finally deciphered as (in contemporary English): "I'm Noah. Your Wednesday night meeting?" Because Noah understands killing pain with alcohol. That's why he's continuing to work as a bartender, even though he is supposedly (according to him) in AA again. He's there so he can give people non-alcoholic drinks instead of what they ordered and preach to them that they shouldn't be drinking. And he asks "What's your name?" which should be an immediate clue that Noah's not REALLY in AA, because everyone in the whole wide world knows that there's the whole "My name is ____ and I'm an alcoholic" thing at AA meetings. And because he's a good bartender, Noah asks the girl, Ellen, if she doesn't "wanna talk 'boutit?" And Ellen, clearly a woman created in the mold of BH 90210, shows strength of character by looking very Conflicted and Sad and saying "You got all night?" Which, of course, Noah does. And he bails work to devote himself to the Save Sar-, um, Ellen Project. And Ellen is about as appealing and has as much personality as a bag of bleached flower soaked in a sinkful of tap water.

And... my Squick-O-Meter just exploded, because over at No-Win This, Davy shows up for his Fuck Date with Camille, and he's "fired up and ready to go!" Which makes me want to offer up some Preparation-H to cool him down. And Camille whines (after first mentioning that stuff came in "from the manufacturer" after my months of bitching about how and when and where all these clothes get made) that she can't go, because that mean, jealous, vindictive, nasty Donna is conspiring to keep them apart: "Donna is in a terrible mood and suddenly [bitchy laugh] there's a need to inventory our fall line." Um, in March? Last fall or this coming fall? Since when do tiny boutiques get fall clothes in two seasons ahead of time? And then Davy tells Camille to tell Donna that Camille'll have to "do this" i.e. her JOB another time. So Camille rushes to the phone and says "Hi, Donna? It's Camille. Look, screw you and your stupid inventory because your ex-boyfriend is here and he's fired up and ready to go and I have to have sex with him RIGHT NOW!" And, smart and responsible folk that they are, they decide they have to not waste screen time with new material, but re-create the Sonia the Sporty Spice Gang Girl plot and doink on the floor of the store... without locking the front door. 'Cos that's safe and smart and secure.

And over at some crummy apartment building Faux Dylan and Faux Sarah-Betty repeat the old "there's nothing worse than coming home to an empty apartment"/"especially when you want a drink" schlock. So Faux Sarah-Betty decides a smart and safe and secure thing to do is drop hints until, predictably, Faux Dylan, a guy who she's just met and knows nothing about, offers to take her to the beach and hang out there all night.

And, just as predictably, Donna returns to Noway This because she forgot her cell phone and walks in to discover Camille and Davy buck-ass-nekkid behind the front counter. And for some reason, Davy just lies there laughing and grinning stupidly and going "Hey... Donna!" And Donna... Donna... I mean, I understand, because the sight of Davy nekkid is enough to skeeve anyone hardcore, but Donna... she Donnantics outa control and makes a face like she's gonna chunder and gasps and turns around and yodels "Ohhhmigawd omiGAAAWD!" and flaps her hands in front of her face a lot and cringes and goes "Hnnnn! Nnnn!" and buries her face in her hands and shudders and then ...just... stands there as Camille and Davy look dismayed that she didn't, like, ask to join in or something.

Someone smack Donna, please? Hard.

Over at Casa Skeevy, Janet the BJNW/BJNStageMother has left her copy-editing "under the sofa cushion!" according to Stevie, because what's really important is "our daughter's career!" and who cares that the articles "were due yesterday!" when "Maddy's bun needed altering!" And believe it or not, Janet has been taken over by Carol Brady's Evil Twin, because she's blown off work to, um, bake cookies for the "props guy"! Wotta ambitious gal, that Janet!

And the next scene is supposedly showing We the TV Viewers about how Noah and Ellen-Sarah-Betty are drawn together because of their mutual problems, but it's really just a continuation of the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest, because ALL they do - even Betty-Sarah-Ellen, a complete stranger who's never MET the girl before and has only just met Noah - feels compelled to heap praise upon the alter of Donna-Tori. And as he and Sarah-Ellen-Betty are walking back towards her apartment building the next morning, Noah's mumbling "ImnDonnacoulnpossblyunnerstanowIfelaferBefdie. Orwhyilemmyparensmakeallmydciznsforme" which translates, as clear as I can tell, to: "I mean, Donna couldn't possibly understand how I felt after Beth died... or why I let my parents make all my decisions for me." And it's not because Donna is so removed or insensitive or preoccupied or anything, oh no! It's because, as Betty-Ellen-Sarah informs us "Well, Donna's naturally strong, right? It's hard for people like that to understand weakness. Especially in people they love." And yeah, we've seen just how strong Donna is in, say, her past relationships with boys like Noah and Davy and Ray and Griffin and Joe ... or her relationship with her parents... or in her ability to be without a boyfriend... or in her relationship with Kelly, how she talks openly about everything from Kelly being too noisy with LawyerBoy to rumors that Kelly wrote mean stuff about Donna in her diary... or even just now in the way she's been handling things with Davy and Camille. Yeah, these are all examples of Donna's strength and fortitude and ability to deal with problems, because we've seen nothing from this girl in the last ten years but independence and maturity and efficacy and power.... She's a rock, that Donna.

In all seriousness, WHY WOULD ANYONE BE TRYING TO CONVINCE WE THE TV AUDIENCE THAT DONNA MARTIN IS A STRONG PERSON? I wanna see even ONE solid example to back it up... and the birth control argument from the high school PTA meeting is NOT good enough!

And after some blather about feeding seagulls, Ellen-Betty-Sarah gets back to the most important subject at hand: Donna. "It's her loss," she tells Noah. And damned if the girl ain't a perfect match for Mushmouth Hunter, because then she babbles something unintelligible that, after over a half-dozen viewings, I can't make out for the life of me. And then, showing what a smart, safe and secure person she is, because even though Noah is a "total stranger," they mack down a little and she asks him to "stay with me!"

And then, in a metaphor for the general feeling that the show induces, Camille walks into Nonesuch This and discovers Donna on her hands and knees on the floor, rubber glove- clad, violently and pointedly scrubbing the, uh, spot with cleanser that "disinfects most staph and strep infections... but only on non-porous surfaces." Can you... catch staph and strep infections from- I mean, I understand the whole paranoia-about-infectious-bacteria compulsions that come with Davy- (or 90210-) related sex, but.... Okay. And looking at Donna bent over and spraddle-legged in those red leather pants was rilly ugly. Anyway, Davy has come to the store with Camille and her apology gift of a salad, but Donna plays dumb and announces that she needs coffee and actually does a (shout-out) PARODY of the Donna-stomp on out of there, complete with exaggerated head toss and shoulder flounce, and (shout-out) Camille responds "Yeah, that's what she needs, coffee!" and then Davy so sensitively responds to that one that Donna "walked in on us having sex!" And if Davy's so concerned about hurting poor Donna's feelings because he's soooo in love with her, then why did he doink Camille on the floor of Donna's store, huh? And Camille snottily responds "Yeah, I know, I was there!" And Davy then responds "Well, it's weird and she's uncomfortable!" Davy, my previous question still stands. And Camille's coping MAJOR 'tude, and responds "You know, I admit it was a little tacky, but that's not the problem!" And then, even though she's supposedly pissed and Donna and supposedly jealous of the attention that Davy pays to Donna, Camille still has to continue the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest by saying "Donna's not a prude or a bitch, but she's acting like both! You know why? Because she WANTS YOU BACK!" And so then Davy has to turn and stare out the window at Donna at the coffee stand, and of COURSE Donna is standing there with her coffee staring all Sad and Pathetically back and making those Sad Lip Moues. Poor, poor lonely heartbroken Donna. And Davy says "That's ridiculous!" and Camille says "There's no other explanation!" and then Davy says (oh God) "Who was I on the floor with last night?! That was you, right?" and Camille says "Yeah, this is not about me!" and Davy says "Yeah, but I didn't do anything wrong," whatever that means, because no Hillster Male should be taking responsibility for anything anyway, especially if it's related to women and sex. And Camille says "You're completely blind!" and Davy looks down and says all unconvincingly "I am not blind!" and I say "No, but you both are TOTALLY boring, already, so shut up and PICK UP THE PACE, OKAY?!" I mean, talk about being trod upon by people clad in steel-toed metal-studded Plot Boots! And Camille huffs and sighs and tosses her head around and rolls her eyes in exasperation while Davy just stares at her, openmouthed like a guppy.

Warning: the next sausage commercial scene contains an over-abundance of the following:

  • the stereotypical loudmouthed all-American businessman being bossy and calling Kelly "Taylor!"
  • Janet, pitching a fit because the "Weenie Babies" idea has been scrapped: "This was Maddy's chance to shine... whatever happened to meritocracy!" and demanding "I want my Tupperware back!" because of COURSE Janet the BJNW/BJNStageMother is ultra-concerned about the return of the kitchen goods which she used to transport her bribe-cookies.
  • Kelly, supposedly trying to keep a lid on chaos, while Wacky Hijinx ensue all around her

And then Donna calls Kelly's cell-phone and goes "We have to talk!"

And then over at the Peach Pit, Donna's telling Kelly "-every time I work behind the cash register I get this creepy feeling which turns into this icky feeling which turns into this mad feeling!" with appropriate "creepy" and "icky" and "mad" faces and voices. And Donna's just described the feeling I get watching a new episode of 90210. And then Donna begs Kelly - with hands clasped pleadingly and a desperate look on her face, no less - to "please come back to the store please!" And Kelly, who's been so traumatized by having to work so hard for such a big ol' meanie as the stereotypical bossy demanding jingoistic loudmouthed all-American businessman Mr. Borscht (really, what kind of a name is that for a Texas sausage-maker and businessman, anyway?), claims that "the way things're going today, I would love that!" And then Donna whines "Am I crazy to be letting this bother me so much?!" And when you consider that her partner and her supposed best friend were disrespectful enough to fuck on the floor of her store, no, I don't think so. But Dr. Kelly, Psych Major, has a different diagnoses. "Yes," she claims authoritatively, "and possessive of something that doesn't belong to you. And a little predatory too." As if Kelly and her squonchy rosebud mouth should talk! And Kelly stabs the ice in her soda (perhaps to make a point that there actually was ice in the glass for a change) and goes "So, they had sex..." and then adds "eyew!" in yet another shout-out, while Donna sighs and makes Major Sad Pathetic Faces. But then Kelly goes "But so what? David isn't yours. Well, I mean, he could be, if you'd ever get around to telling him how you really feel." Which is a pretty presumptuous thing to say anyway, Kelly. Especially after accusing Donna of being possessive. And Donna sighs and goes "And come between him and Camille? Now that WOULD be predatory."

And I actually have to say "Word, sistah!" to something Donna just said. Jeepers.

And then Dr. Kelly goes "Fine. But as long as you're going to keep some of your feelings from David, then you have to keep all of your feelings from David. Even the ones that make you feel crazy. Or else you're just being unfair." WHY, Kelly? Why shouldn't Donna mention to Davy (and Camille) that she really doesn't appreciate them rolling around nekkid IN HER STORE!? That's not unfair! And then Donna grimaces and says "You wanna hear something rilly annoying? Camille has flawless skin... EVERYWHERE!" And Kelly and me both go "I did NOT need to hear that!" And then Donna complains "I did not need to see that!" True, true, but still, I mean, geez, Donna, get a life!

And then Noah comes gallumphing over, dragging Ellen-Betty-Sarah with him and stopping to snog with her, just so we all get the point. Yeah. But for some reason, the writers didn't think the snogging and giggling and gooning was enough. Because Noah dumps Sarah-Ellen-Betty with Donna and Kelly and asks them to keep her company because he's going to "go next door and get a blanket." And Donna is making major Twitchy Sticky Lip Moues and says in her breathy little-girl voice "Nice to meet you" because, (yes, put away the Plot Stakes, we get the point!), Donna is jealous and lonely and pathetic. And Sarah-Betty-Ellen giggles and self-consciously confesses that they're "going to go have a picnic on the beach" but I guess for some reason they couldn't bring a blanket from her apartment, but have to come to the Peach Pit to get one. And Kelly gives a super-bitchy-fake-o-nicey-nice laugh and goes, all patronizingly, "Oh-h-h, that'll be fun!" and makes bitchy snarky faces at Donna, who continues to sit there and make Pathetic, Sad and Lonely Sticky Lip Moues. Because I'm sure this is sooooo painful for someone as lonely and sensitive as Poor Sweet Donna. And then the writers send a huge ol' Plot Brick with a ransom note attached crashing through our windows, because Kelly quickly decides she has to bail, which will leave Betty-Ellen-Sarah alone with Donna. And Ellen-Sarah-Betty and Donna pretend to be all nervous and wary of each other, and Donna makes more Lip Twitches and offers a huge plate of "fries?" but Sarah-Betty-Ellen doesn't answer, and they just look away from each other and act pathetic. Yes, yes, WE GET IT! But noooo, that isn't enough, because the writers are dropping big atomic Plot Bombs on us, and of COURSE Ellen-Betty-Sarah has to join into the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest, because she compliment's Kelly's outfit: "that is soooo gorgeous!" and Kelly chirps that "It's a Donna Martin Original!" And Betty-Sarah-Ellen looks all insecure and jealous and turns to Donna and gasps in jealous insecurity "You make your own clothes?!" and Donna's sucking soda through a straw and scowling because she's supposedly so jealous and insecure herself and mumbles "Mmm hmm." And then Kelly hoists the flag for the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest and leads the marching band playing the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest Theme Song, and says all pointedly-bitchily to Betty-Sarah-Ellen that Donna "has a whole store of them! See, Donna is this amazing, sexy chic, unstoppable designer-slash-businesswoman who is waaaayyyy too ‘with it’ to be pining. Bye" And she gives Donna and Sarah-Ellen-Betty pointed looks before flouncing off while Donna makes her Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest Modest Faces and Sticky Lip Moues and pretends to be all surprised by this and Betty-Sarah-Ellen looks all jealous and insecure in the face of such a talented sexy chic unstoppable beautiful amazing incredible unforgettable goddess-like presence as Donna-Tori. And then Donna fake-laughs with fake modesty and claims Donnantically "I paid her to say that. Just kidding! She's my best friend and it's her job to oversell. Anyway!" while Sarah-Ellen-Betty looks all insecure and jealous and Donna is all insecure and jealous as she fake-chirps "So! Uh, how long have you and Noah known each other?" Someone tell Donna to quit channeling Mary Tyler Moore! And Betty-Sarah-Ellen looks insecure and jealous and chews her lip a lot and looks down a lot and admits "We just met last night... at... the bar" and Donna looks jealous and insecure and condescending all at the same time and goes "Oh. Wow" which makes Sarah-Ellen-Betty press her lips together some more and look insecure some more and Donna looks down and makes Sticky Lip Twitches and for God's sake, already, WE GET IT! You can put away the Plot-Blasters! And then Donna in the same condescending tone goes "So. Ellen. What do you... do?" And Ellen-Sarah-Betty looks even more jealous and insecure and confesses the horror of all horrors... in comparison to talented and sexy and chic and successful and dynamic and unstoppable blah blah blah superego-cakes Donna, she, Betty-Ellen-Sarah is... merely... as she says with an insecure fake-bright laugh "I'm a temp!" as she tucks her hair behind her ears and looks down all insecurely and CONTINUES the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest "...I mean, I mean, I don't own a company or anything, but... I get by." And Donna makes Sticky Lip Twitches and then fakes a smile and says with fake brightness that it must "fun" to "work in new places all the time" and Sarah-Ellen-Betty continues to look all jealous and insecure because she is NOTHING BUT A CRUMMY TEMP and her new boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is SUCH an AMAZING and TALENTED and FORMIDABLE and BEAUTIFUL and SEXY and CHIC and COMPELLING and HEARTBREAKINGLY SPECTACULAR CREATURE LIKE DONNA MARTIN! [Question: how many of us here on the boards, myself included, have mentioned working as temps?] And this has got Betty-Sarah-Ellen in such a paroxysm of insecurity that she has to make an excuse and flee from the Peach Pit and from Noah because how can she EVER LIVE UP TO DONNA?! And Donna sighs and rolls her eyes and makes more Sticky Lip Twitches and Moues and stabs at her french fries, because I'm sure she's just so upset and distraught and jealous and insecure and pathetic and all that. And I'm waiting for Donna to decide to go public with her company and become an instant billionaire like Martha Stewart in a matter of minutes, because God forbid we should forget for a second that DONNA MARTIN IS THE GREATEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

And then Dylan and Brandon race around the hills of the Indian Reservation on their big shiny black motorcycles until Brandon hits a stump and goes flying. And a Bike Betty comes along and invites them to some big outdoor party out there in the desert.

At least they didn't stop by the side of the road and pee.

And back at the Peach Pit, Donna's slumped over the once-full plate of fries and chomps one last one, and Nat leans over and says "Hey Donna... that was a double order of fries!" And Donna sighs in despair and says "I'm not proud." And, yup, we're meant to believe that Donna, in her Pathetic Insecure Jealousy, has hoovered an entire double order of fries. Then Noah shows up with a little flimsy blanket... and really, how long did it take Noah to get that blanket, anyway? Because even *I* take at least fifteen or twenty minutes to chow a double order of french fries. Anyway, Noah wants to know what Donna "thinks" about Betty-Sarah-Ellen, and Donna makes Sticky Lip Moues all insecurely and jealously and says she "seems nice" with a fake sad smile And Noah babbles that "we seem to have this... connection, you know? I jus' like her!" And you're soulmates? I mean, yeah, Noah, you're both dumb and you're both lame, and you're both alcoholics! You better start picking out names for the kids and put a down-payment on that house, because this is It! And Donna says all unconvincingly that she's "happy" for him. And Noah looks around in bemusement. And I'm hoping Noah will be so despondent over his alcoholic soulmate bailing on him that he'll go get stinking drunk and go for a reminiscent nighttime drive around Mulholland.

And we get a two for one Recycled Plot Blitz, because not only do Dylan and LawyerBoy re-create Dylan and Brandon's bike trip and consequential mind-altering experience, but Emily Valentine is on hand to sneak a psychedelic into Brandon's drink.

At least no one has to dig a pit with the sides [*hand motion*] and the bottom [*hand motion*].

And then Noah is sooooo concerned and gentlemanly that he comes striding into the bar at they Beverly Royale With Cheese, where Betty-Sarah-Ellen is sitting at the bar and sipping an über-trendy martini. And she looks entirely unaffected to see Noah there, but asks anyway "How'd you find me?" and presses her lips together and huffs. And Noah mumbles "Inrupoosmalipassenowinladeezrmshere" which, after about 8 viewings, I've managed to insert a few missing small words and have translated it as "In group you said how much you love passing out in the Ladies' Room here." Um. "In group you said how much you love passing out in the Ladies' Room here"? And Ellen-Sarah-Betty says "They have... velvet couches" and continues to alternately press her lips together and open them to huff. And after some inane and banal banter about what's bothering her, she finally tells Noah tearfully and pathetically and insecurely "Why don't you just go on a picnic with Donna? Super, successful Donna! She disapproves. Of me, of us.... I'm Ellen, the loser typist! And Donna's this... clothing bigshot. I don't even know what you're doing here!" Yes, you heard right... DONNA IS SO AMAZING AND SO SUCCESSFUL AND DONNA'S APPROVAL IS SO ESSENTIAL TO SARAH-BETTY-ELLEN'S LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP WITH NOAH THAT SHE HAS BEEN DRIVEN TO DRINK! Let the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest rage on! And then Noah mumbles to Ellen-Sarah-Betty "I gotcha job. Okay?" And the qualifications are "light typing... good phone skills... great personality." And, hello, how long have computers dominated the workplace? In my years of temping, I never ever ever EVER got asked about my "typing" skills... it was all about my computer skills, typing/keyboard speed included in that. "Typing" is so fifteen years ago.

And Betty-Ellen-Sarah... breaks down and... tearfully, insecurely throws herself at Noah's feet, weeping "Thank you." Because she needed Noah to Save her. And the editing on this scene was so bad... one minute her mouth was open, the next her lips were pressed together, then her mouth was open again....

And over at the offices of the Beverly Beat that we haven't seen since sometime last year, Maddy's in her infant swing, asking her mother "So, Ma, whatever happened to that Salvadorian nanny you supposedly hired for me?" But Janet isn't listening, because she's talking to Kelly on the phone about this awful commercial. And Steve went over to pick up a check and... and....

And then we get a Rave-Sweatlodge ceremony. And some naughty brunette hippychick comes sashaying over to seduce a raspy, brooding Dylan, while the Bike Betty Emily Valentine convinces Brandon to dance even though he says he can't.

At least no one talks to "Grandfather." At least no one's car gets striped down to nothing.

Watching LB "[road] trip" was really really lame, guys. Really lame.

Warning: the next sausage commercial scene contains an over-abundance of the following:

  • the stereotypical loudmouthed all-American businessman being bossy and jingoistic
  • Skeevy Stevie Sanders... in a... Viking costume... with the Barbie Twins at his feet.... and... wielding... a ... very... phallic... sausage
  • phrases I NEVER wanted to hear in relation to Skeevy Stevie Sanders, including, namely, "point the shaft of that kelbasa skyward" and "you want Steve's sausage... it's very important to you" and ESPECIALLY "I'm the Sausage King! Yaahahhahhhohhh!"
  • the Barbie twins flirting with Stevie in unison and Stevie flirting back and Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife being Bossy, Jealous and Nagging
  • Kelly and Janet, in shock at these Wacky Hijinx ensue all around them

I feel like I need a de-louse-ing now. Like I need to bathe in bleach. Like I can't stomach solid food for at LEAST an hour....

And, even though it's a day later, when Davy come to Nowhere Girl This, Donna's dressed in those fugly red leather pants and little scooped black shirt she was scrubbing the floor in yesterday. And Donna, looking all Sad and Pathetic and acting Jealous and Insecure, claims she's tired because she had a 30% off sale and there was "nothing left untouched." Uh huh. Because Donna is soooo talented and successful-

Yeaghk.

And Davy apologizes for "what you saw... for not having the... tact... to realize it would bother you."

Is Davy that clueless? Or, actually... I hope Davy's apologizing to all of us about at LEAST the whole entire last five years of 90210, not just for the fact that he and Camille were slippin' and slidin' on Donna's floor.

And Donna just says "thanks" in her Sad Little Girl Voice and makes Sad Pathetic Faces and Sticky Lip Twitches.

And then Davy tries to say, all passively, that "Camille [CAMILLE!?]'s got this idea in her head-" which is a phrasing that annoys me... I mean, that's like saying "I've got this toothache in my tooth" or something.

But Donna, obviously too Sad and Pathetic and Jealous and Insecure (despite her Strength and Success and Talent and all that), to hear Davy try to find out if Donna's still got the hots for him by framing it as a "Camille thinks" kind of dealie, she... Donna cuts Davy off by mentioning (all Sad- and Pathetic-like, but with Sad, Pathetic, Insecure and Nostalgic Sticky Smiles) "Last night I um... I was cleaning out my closet and I found ... and I found that dress that I wore to our Christmas dance? Remember the one with the horrible rhinestones all over it?"

And Davy laughs and doesn't look at Donna and says "Yeah... every time I tried to touch it they scratched me." And remembering what a horny, pushy, pressuring little boy Davy was in high school, I'm guessing Donna bought that dress on purpose... only because chastity belts weren't "in" that season.

But Donna says "I think that's exactly what my mom wanted." Can you blame her, Donna?

And then Davy says "You told me in the parking lot that you were proud to be going to the dance with the best dancer at West Beverly" Like, how totally High School of her. And Donna goons and pretends to be cute and shy and embarrassed and says "I did not say that!" and Davy goes "Yes you did" and Donna goons and pretends to be cute and shy and embarrassed and says "Ohmygawd, how lame was I?" WAS, Donna? And, like, poke around these boards for a few and you'll get a pretty good idea of your lameness. And then Donna heaves this big sigh-laugh. And then Davy stares at her and says "I certainly remember kissing you" which is the cue for the They're MEANT To Be Together soundtrack to start playing. And then Donna stares at Davy and Davy stares at Donna and then Donna looks down and pretends to be cute and shy and embarrassed and says "Well, it's... impossible to know how much you've changed unless you look back." Which is true. Back then, Davy was a geeky, dorky kid who kissed ass left and right to try to hang with popular kids and all that other banal YA Novel stuff and we all laughed at his patheticness.... And now, he's still a lame-ass geeky dork, but The Writers have spent years trying to convince us that, despite his past actions, he's really a "Nice Guy." But you know what hasn't changed, Writers? We STILL laugh at his patheticness. And then Donna adds that "I guess we've both changed a lot." Uh huh. Yeah. Whatever. Just put the Heavy Handed Plot Artillery Cannon away! And so Davy stares at Donna some more and Donna looks down some more and then they both start to talk and laugh and agree that Donna "should get this done, yeah" meaning her work at the store. And Davy stares some more and starts to walk away and scratches and deedles and says "I'm sorry... again" and Donna stares and makes Sad Pathetic Insecure Faces and says with Sticky Lips "Me too" and stares some more. And Davy stares some more and says "Good night" and starts to walk away again and then Donna says "What did you want to talk to me about? Something about Camille?" And Davy deedles and says "No, nothing, nevermind" but then pauses again to ask "Um the ... the dress with the ...rhinestones ...did it still fit?" And Donna stares with Sad Pathetic Insecure Faces and Sad Sticky Lip Twitches and says all sad and pathetically "I didn't try it on." And Davy smiles and says "Good night" again and leaves Donna behind, staring all Sad and Pathetic and Insecurely and making more Sad Sticky Lip Moues.

Now, seriously... what guy (what person, but especially WHAT GUY) would ask something like "did it still fit?" I know, I know, it's a deep and symbolic metaphor about how Donna and Davy have grown and changed since their high school days, and their old relationship (i.e. the old dress) doesn't fit anymore... they'll have to do some altering on the old "dress" to make it fit again. This is supposed to make us think that when Donna and Davy reunite, they're newer and more grown-up and they've learned from their past "mistakes" and therefore we don't need to be worried about petty little things like Davy's mental illness and drug problem and stealing and cheating and Donna's spinelessness and patheticness and insecurity. Unless The Writers are going the symbolic route where the old dress actually and surprisingly will fit, but Donna and Davy just need to be brave enough to try it on in the first place.... And if we have to suffer through a scene with Donna trying on her old (well, a new look-alike replacement, because that Christmas dance was so three boob jobs ago) rhinestone dress and looking all Sad and Pathetic at herself in the mirror, I'll-

Well, I'll Rant about it here. So there. Yeah.

Anyway, and so Davy stares at Donna some more through the window while Donna stares off into space all Sad and Pathetically and sighs deeply and makes Sticky Lip Twitches at the camera. And the camera focuses from Davy to Donna to Davy to Donna-

And, while they aren't naked in a sweatlodge, Brandon is shirtless and covered with primitive lipstick symbols all over his chest, and instead of talking to Grandfather, he's handing out business cards that he had with him on a dirt bike road trip and shouting at people over and over "Matt Durning Attorney-at-Law I'm networking wit' you!" And then Emily Valentine mounts Brandon in front of everyone, including Dylan and his naughty brunette who says "I want to show you my tent." Which makes me think I was having a bad trip too.

And then after the Sweatlodge Rave, Dylan and his naughty brunette are crawling out of a tent - both fully dressed in the clothes they wore last night, so maybe we're meant to think they didn't actually get their groove on. And when Dylan asks where "my friend" is, the naughty brunette says that last she saw him, "he was under that tree baying at the moon." And Dylan looks mondo impressed and says "EXCELLENT use of the word 'baying'!" Um, dork? That's THE MOST COMMON USE OF THE WORD BAYING, SO SHUT UP! So then Dylan carries his naughty brunette piggy-back to go find Brandon, who's suddenly sober and discovers he's in a sleeping bag with a naked Emily Valentine and is stricken with guilt.

And in the following scene at Casa Skeevy, we're meant to know that Skeevy Stevie Sanders is a Real Man... no so much because he's WEARING HIS VIKING HAT, but because he's CHOMPING CEREAL AND SMACKING HIS LIPS LIKE ALL REAL MEN ON 90210 DO! And Janet the BJNW comes down to berate him like the loving and caring and respectful partner she is. And Stevie claimed he got up at 5 or 5:30 not for anything realistic, like the baby waking up, but because he was "working out" because it's "important that I maintain a certain imposing stature." And he strikes a pose with his stupid Viking hat.

And that's it, I can't take any more. I cannot suffer through the Complete and Utter Skeeviness of this scene. No. Enough. Suvate.

Suffice to say, Kelly shows up, uses her own key to just walk into the house without knocking and announces that Mr. Borscht changed his mind again. I guess he musta changed it sometime in between midnight and 6 in the morning, for Kelly to come all the way to Beverly Hills from the beach in morning traffic (30-45 minutes if she's lucky) to tell Stevie that on her way to the Peach Pit to get a cup of coffee to go or something.

But Kelly DOES say what all of us were thinking, albeit in nicer terms, that "seeing [Stevie] wielding a two-foot sausage was a little more than I can take." And Steve "wielding the sausage" and Janet getting "drunk on the power of the bun" is, I guess, a big fat metaphor for their marriage and relationship.

And. Then. Oh. God... Janet promises Stevie that "Tonight in bed... you can still call me Helga!" because God knows Janet needs to morph as far away from her Asian roots as possible, and then Stevie breaks into Nordic Yodeling which doesn't wake the baby and drags Janet off with a super-gay-o-lah (tm xix) prancy-dancy step. And Janet's picked up Stevie's Skeevy Eyebrow habit. Janet is now officially Mrs. Skeevy.

And Brandon and Dylan drive back to LA in Ray Pruit's truck and Brandon bemoans his fate at Emily Valentine drugging him. And, in yet another Recycled Plot, Brandon, like Noah and Davy and Ray and Dylan and even Brandon (the actual Brandon, that is), claims it was just a "mistake".... Gee. And Kelly was more than happy to agree to marry Brandon (the REAL Brandon, that is) after he undruggedly had sex with Emma, but we know that she'll dump faux Brandon on his chumpy drugged Attorney-at-Lame ass, now, don't we...?

Do I have to go into detail about this next thing? Especially right after Belly Man The Sausage King? *sigh* Camille goes into Davy's DJ booth. And Camille the Campy Vampy Scarlet Harlot Seductress is wearing this weird red half-shirt that... um... has these laces that... wrap... around... her sternum... like lace-up (lace-down?) sandals or something. Ick. And Camille bitches jealously to Davy about how she would've "sent you a letter, but I was afraid Donna might see it in the outgoing mail and get her feelings hurt." Because God knows, the only place in LA to mail something is Donna's store! And Davy keeps insisting that he and Camille are "fine." And... eyuch...Davy closes a shade, and they Do It. And Davy knows he's still in love with Donna and suspects that Donna's still in love with him, but has no qualms fucking Camille silly in his DJ booth? Donna aside, he has no qualms fucking Camille in his DJ booth? And I'm waiting for The Writers to've recycled the Dead Scott plot where Davy accidentally turns the mike on, and thus broadcasts his doinkage to the world.

And over at Dysfunction Junction, Brandon creeps guiltily into bed with Kelly in her Rose Colored Bedroom after having fucked Emma-Emily Valentine, and Kelly talks baby talk to him. I'm so glad we're covering new territory here. Especially when L'Brandon, like Davy just did, says that "everything's fine." But at least he and Kelly aren't having sex in public.

Thank God I have a week's reprieve....

Okay, this week's contest. Jeeze. I'm kinda outa time to attach themed monikers this week, so I'll just do a Rilly Tough Question: at one point in the Rant, I use the non-English word "Suvate"... tell me what language it is and what it means, and win a fabo-keen-kernifty-kewl-rad prize!

Dwanollah

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