To begin with, I’ve had the dandiest time trying to decide
a winner of the last Rant Contest on a dwanollah.com
slogan, and finally had no other choice but to declare
TWO winners... PU and scrnwrt! PU e’d me with the suggestion
"quel frommage"… which is not only what I
recently named my compilation of cheesy 80s songs that I made,
but was the name of the first coffeehouse I used to frequent
‘way back when I lived in San Diego. And I was dying laughing
at work over scrnwrt’s post about "C’est Cheese!"
So guys, e-mail me with your mailing addys, and a fabo-keen-way-kernifty
prize package will be sent to you, yes, YOU! I'm not sure
in what way I'll use those slogans, but I'll use 'em!
And, speaking of dwanollah.com, things are moving along. I’ve
got my semi-hierarchical layout planned, a list of topics to cover, and a list
of numerous sub-topics as well. Rather than "Ranting" – I was afraid
it sounded too close to "Hissyfit" – I’m going to instead
"Blather" about stuff. I’ve got sections based on other
Dwanollahesque words like "Foof" and "Shrine" and, of
course, the aforementioned "Cheese"! And, just like Donna in this week’s
episode, I’m lucky enough to have a super-cute, fairly anal-retentive Computer
Guy who’s madly in love with me to help me on my web site design…! I only
hope dwanollah.com will be as SMART and HIP and CLEVER as Donna
Martin’s site- But I’m getting ahead of myself….
Anyway, the show. Yeah. So, we open with what I guess is the Final Episodes
Motif now... a Hillster looking all Serious and offering up a Moment from the
last ten years. This week, it’s Dylan wanting to know if we "remember
that summer?" And then we see Baby Kelly and Baby Dylan and Baby Kelly’s
baby-talking wetly about how "this is the beginning of a beautiful
friendship!" before they start Cheating on Brinda. And then Old Dylan
shrugs and rasps "Sometimes things just happen!" Like, yeah, I guess
that makes EVERYTHING scrupulous and acceptable, doesn’t it, Crease Boy? I
mean, who cares if you were fucking around behind your best friend/girlfriend’s
back, huh? Shucks, things just happen... and it’s ESPECIALLY okay if you’re
Soulmates and Meant To Be Together and all that. In fact, damn Brinda for
standing in your way! The bitch.
And then the Deep Voice reminds us that "there are only four more
episodes left and then 90210 will be gone forever." Gee. Darn.
And after the illimitable "last time" scenes, we get the same
"ping ping" music that was the background to Brandon and Tracy’s
trip to Hong Kong, and then – eyew... cavern shot of Donna sitting in some
Japanese restaurant with Mitch, her latest Conquest who is severely Smitten with
her... because Donna Martin is so beautiful and so talented and so sweet and
nice and charming and dazzling and wondrous that she inspires Instant
Infatuation with every male she meets. They gravitate toward her. They can’t
help it. She’s too much Woman for them. And despite the fact that Donna has
proclaimed numerous times since breaking up with Noah a mere 4 ½ months ago
that she "doesn’t feel like dating right now" or is "trying to
take care of myself now" or "hey, I’m a career gal," Donna’s
had more dates with different boys in the last 15 weeks than I had in the last
15 years. Of course, I’m not as talented and beautiful and brilliant and smart
and funny and adorable and stylish and successful as Donna Martin. What mortal
woman is? I mean, let tonight’s Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest begin with no further
ado, huh? You bet. Donna’s babbling all like she’s nervous and modest and
whatnot about her new web site, donnamartinoriginals.com. because she doesn’t
want to be a failure. She doesn’t want to be a disappointment. She doesn’t
want to hurt anyone. She’s just so sweet and kind and good. And Donna’s
Latest Admirer, who is so bland and boring and one-dimensional and flat that I
can’t even think up a clever, characterizing nickname for him, is of COURSE
assuring Donna-Tori about how wonderful she is and how she’s going to do
great. And after Donna addlepates and kurmufulates and Donna’s Latest
(generic) Admirer tells her how great everything’s going to be, he presents
her with a gift... because Donna Martin inspires that kind of generosity and
love in men and they just feel compelled to give her gifts and kiss her and
stalk her and break into her house when they’re drunk and moon after her even
when they’re with someone else. Donna’s Latest Admirer gives her... a palm
pilot/organizer thingie "just like" the one he already has. And he’s
conveniently scheduled Donna for a date with him... Wednesday at 8. Cute, huh?
Not to mention a Saturday roller blading jaunt. "Our schedules match
perfectly!" he marvels, lovelight shining from his eyes. How could ANY man
NOT want his schedule to "match perfectly" with Donna? Anyway, Donna
"tee hee hee"s that the scheduling thingie reminds her... that...
"I haven’t had a vacation since college, hee hee hee hee!" ‘Cos
Donna is not only beautiful and talented, she’s dedicated and hardworking,
too! She only went to Hawaii to WORK, remember? Never mind the stupidity of, um,
scheduled dates somehow "reminding" her of taking vacations. Anyway,
then Donna’s Latest Admirer announces that he’s "officially off the
market!" and beams at her. And Donna gulps wine and acts moronic and says
"hee hee hee." And even though she’s clearly taken by surprise and
startled and wondering how to break it to this Really Nice Guy that she’s not
interested in him THAT way (because she’s so kindhearted), Donna still looks
radiantly beautiful with her shining hair and lovely make-up and a cute
scoop-necked lavender shirt that shows a daring hint of cleavage and flatters
her coloring exquisitely.
And over at Dysfunction Junction, LawyerBoy shuffles his pudly ass into Kelly’s
Rose-Colored Bedroom with a dish of ice-cream. And Kelly, with her
daffodil-golden silken tresses pulled back in a ponytail, is hanging up the
phone. Seems "my father" has called and is in town and "wants to
have dinner" with them tomorrow night. And I’m wondering if Kelly’s
being set up to meet another long-lost sibling, since we’ve basically
re-hashed every other plot ever done on 90210 at least TWICE... and plus, for
all the long-lost siblings, (Erika, Joy, Gina), there’s never been a long-lost
BROTHER, so maybe-
Anyway, LB in his doofusy accent that sounds more Mid-western than NY wants
to know if he’s "being inspected." So? It’s not like Kelly’s
father holds any place of importance in her decision-making process, so why
should you care what he thinks of you? I’m sure The Husband-Type Man couldn’t
give a counterfeit penny’s worth of caring into whether or not my Dumb Dad
approves of him. And then Kelly earnestly chirps about what is REALLY important:
"I can’t wait to show you off!" (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!) And LB,
showing the expected level of triteness we’ve come to expect from 90210,
grumbles that "Fathers always disapprove of their daughters’ fiancés...
it’s in the job description." Dork. And then Kelly says that "Bill
Taylor is a convicted embezzler... a world-class philanderer... and a completely
negligent father!" Well, at least they didn’t try to pretend the
embezzling didn’t happen (although we haven’t heard a word about it since,
oh, college graduation, hnnn?) And then she goes on to pronounce with her
squonched glossy ripe strawberry lips that "You, on the other hand, are
honest and faithful and totally dependable," which is not only the
Certification of LawyerBoy’s Evilness at being drugged and date-raped, but
also the conclusive proof that Kelly and LawyerBoy are in no way Soulmates,
because Soulmates are exciting and wild and exhilarating, and Kelly and
LawyerBoy would walk under chandeliers... it would never occur to them to swing
But, of course, LawyerBoy is all stricken with guilt at having been
unfaithful to Kelly, even if he was DELIBERATELY DRUGGED and, in essence,
DATE-RAPED, because he DIDN’T MAKE A DECISION TO HAVE SEX WITH BIKER BETTY!
Anyway, LawyerBoy says "they say a lot of times that daughters end up
marrying men just like their fathers." And Kelly the Psych Major has
"heard that before" (duh) but Kelly is "doing the exact
opposite... I’m marrying a man I completely trust! I am marrying you!"
And she’s basically repeating something that I’ve said ever since The
Husband-Type Man and I got engaged (which, gosh, makes me wonder if this means
THTM and I aren’t Soulmates… aren’t MEANT to be together…) as she
nestles her head onto LB’s guilty chest and nuzzles into his thick neck and
then makes more Squonchy Lips.… Poor, beguiled Kelly. Poor guilty LawyerBoy.
And this week’s Only-Four-Episodes Left Schlocky Music Selection is some
b.s. about how "we’ll always be together" and "girl I realize
we’ll always be together" and "love you forever" and "baby
it’s you girl, winter, spring, summer, fall"- You know... JUST IN CASE
WE DIDN’T FREAKING GET IT AFTER 427 REPITITIONS OF THE SAME THEME IN A MERE
And for, what, the second time this season, we actually get to see the Skeevy
Family, Stevie and Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife, at work at the offices
of the Beverly Beat It! And Stevie’s bemoaning the sad fact they aren’t
getting rich quick on the "gold rush of the new millennium," i.e.
Internet stocks... namely, Donna’s new company. And Janet’s making sarcastic
comments and ignoring him. Because marriage is all about men wanting to fritter
away household funds on irresponsible pie-in-the-sky get-rich-quick stuff and
women having to be cold and shrew/d and telling the men what’s really what.
And Stevie, sounding remarkably like my Dumb Dad on one of his own many
get-rich-quick schemes, uses some example about Bill Gates borrowing money from
a neighbor when he was first starting out, and giving the guy a percentage, blah
blah blah covet-thy-neighbor-cakes. And Janet the Bossy, Jealous, Nagging Wife
tells Stevie, plainly, "the answer is no, Steve." Why? Well, with
Maddy, they have responsibilities. Yeah! Go Janet! Be responsible! But wait...
Janet’s not talking about silly things like paying rent or insurance bills or
buying diapers and formula and clothes or even paying for that
oh-so-family-oriented minivan.... No, Janet says their responsibilities are
"Nannies and Mommy & Me classes and Gymboree and preschool!" I
never realized just how much Janet was not only Asian Claire but Asian Kelly....
(KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!)
And speaking of Maddy, I noticed on the Official 90210 Website, they’ve
actually got her name spelled M-A-D-D-I-E... even closer to Brinda’s Maggie
than I’d thought. Man, they love me there at FOX studios, don’t they?
And over at some studio, let the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest rave on! Donna’s
having a freak-out because the model didn’t show and everything is going to be
"a disaster... as predicted!" Because, you know, Donna is so modest
and kind that if a model doesn’t show up, she has to take it as a personal
slam on her abilities and talents. She just needs a little reassurance to build
her confidence. Maybe if SHE was the model- Oh. *phew* Thank God.... I guess
after they’ve re-hashed the model plot three times with Donna (Paris, Strike
the Match, and The Big Fashion Show) and twice with Kelly (pre-fire and
post-fire), it’s time to use modeling as a vehicle to display That Bitch
Camille’s evilness and narcissism. And Davy’s there playing with some weird
sculpture set-like thing of two arms or a bent-over figure or somesuch, and
being just a general asshole. And Dylan’s sitting next to some non-LawyerBoy
lawyer (!!) and rasping about how being a corporation "means that I’m not
held personally liable if this thing tanks...." But Dylan! This is DONNA’S
project! How could is possibly tank? And then the Non-LawyerBoy Lawyer wants to
know "what’s the story with the blonde?" i.e. That Evil Nasty Bitch
Camille. And Dylan rasps that "she’s taken." And the lawyer then
says, "models are my specialty!" Um. Does that mean the
implication is that he generally handles, say, writing up contracts for models?
That he generally dates models? That he generally cooks up models for dinner
with a light pesto sauce? And Donna’s Latest Admirer is playing with his Palm
Pilot organizer thingie and informing Donna happily that he’s scheduled a few
more dates for them, and wants to know if she wants to "synch our
schedules?" But Donna, sweet and kind and sensitive though she is, can’t
really concentrate on planning dates with Her Latest Admirer because she’s
worried about this photo-shoot-gone-wrong.... Doing Comedy, she badgers Her
Latest Admirer, "Mitch, did you know that donnamartinoriginals.com is
doomed? ...DOOMED!" But Donna’s Latest Admirer is too happy making plans
with the love of his life, and says "I hope you’re not busy
Christmas!" And Donna laughs "Christmas? That’s eight months
away!" And Donna’s Latest Admirer smiles in delight at her and says
"I like to know what I’m doing so I have something to look forward
to!" And Donna, being a sensitive, tenderhearted soul, isn’t quite sure
what to do with this information, but certainly is too kind to hurt Her Latest
Admirer’s feeling by saying "Um, this is a little too much for me"
or "Don’t you think you’re jumping the gun?" but instead makes
sweet, endearing, Quintessential Donna Sticky-Lips Little Girl Smiles at him and
then walks away. And what I want to know is, why would this be any different
from when Donna met her blind date Irv a few weeks back and asked Camille
"do you think he wants two kids or three?" or tells Kelly about Jerry
the Headhunter "this gorgeous mystery guy that came into the store today,
borrowed the phone, promised he’d call me and I was gonna have his kids...
well, not today but after we got married on some beach in Mexico...." I
mean, given Donna’s past behavior, I’d think a guy who wanted to plan The
Rest of Their Lives Together from, like, their third date would be right up her
And then Donna, in a fit of good-heartedness at not wanting to cause her
friends any more trouble, announces to Dylan "I think we should just cut
our losses." Which must be the exact words used when the execs at FOX
decided to can this sorry-ass show. And Donna? You’re willing to can the
whole, entire business because a model didn’t show up for a photo shoot?
Which is completely inconsistent with what’s happened even, oh, at the
beginning of this season when Gina torched Donna’s fashion show wardrobe and
they managed to re-create an entire men’s line with five friends and NO SEWING
EXPERIENCE AT ALL in time for the Big Show... I mean, after "getting
through" that, Donna thinks it’s a catastrophe that a model hasn’t
shown up? I know, I’m missing the point... Donna’s just a very sensitive and
loving and emotional and dedicated person and if the model hasn’t shown up,
she just kinda takes it all to heart. Because everyone’s counting on her. And
she can’t let her friends down! She can’t let her customers down! She can’t
let US down!
Anyway, Dylan rasps out the perfect solution... "Camille." And
Camille, who’s clutching a little leather organizer that looks just like the
one Donna’s Latest Admirer just gave her, is stunned, but easily cajoled into
it. In fact, the only one who doesn’t think it’s a "great" idea is
Davy, who’s... perched all over the head-part of the upraised-arms-sculpture,
and announces "Camille... isn’t a model!"
And instead of saying, "Um, what the fuck is YOUR problem?" Camille
just says she "wants us to be on-line by tomorrow." [Tomorrow…? And
they’re just doing the photos NOW?]
But Davy ain’t done yet.... He goes "Camille?" all aggro-pointedly.
And instead of saying, "Um, what the fuck is YOUR problem, you piss-ant
jerk?" Camille smiles and nods and whispers "yes!" and scurries
over to talk to Davy.
And Davy still ain’t done... He goes "Camille, you’re not eye-candy,
you’re a businesswoman!" all "who’re you tryin’ to look so purdy
And instead of saying, "Um, what the fuck is YOUR problem, you
hypocritical, passive-aggressive little twit?" Camille feebly goes
"That’s right. I’m a businesswoman, and this is a business
decision" and scurries off to put on Donna’s Red Dress (because Camille
wears red at least 90% of the time), leaving Davy behind to huff like the
selfish, insecure, demanding little prick that he is. And, as several WHYners
have already pointed out... why would Davy have such a problem with Camille
modeling since 1) he’s done it himself at for Donna’s menswear line, 2) his
stepsister has been a model, 3) his step-mother is a model, 4) Donna’s been a
model, 5) and he was okay with Donna’s Bustin’ Out All Over in that skank-fest
"Strike the Match." Is this supposed to make us think that Davy’s
just disturbed by the Threat of Dylan having suggested his girlfriend model? ‘Cos
it only serves to make him look like an irrational, proprietary, insecure,
jealous, sexist, hypocritical asshole. And at least SOMEONE there in the studio
thinks as much, because Dylan rasps "Relax, David." And Davy, still
straddling the statue and holding his prop cup of coffee, snaps back "Last
time I checked, Dylan, I wasn’t on your payroll." Oh, Davy. You strong,
forceful, masculine man. Excuse me while I go change my panties. And then Dylan
stares at Davy and Donna stares over at Davy and Donna’s Latest Admirer stares
at the ground or his palm pilot or something and Davy continues to stare all
defensively-aggro at Dylan. Oooh.
And over at the utterly lame and useless PPAD (oh, WHAT will Val say when she
comes back to LA and discovers her club’s in ruins?), they’re of COURSE
gearing up for the big donnamartinoriginals.com launch party, and I’m trying
to figure out WHAT on earth those guys are dragging around.... It’s... a..
uh... giant computer keyboard that they’re setting up next to a giant computer
monitor. Um. Wow. And there’re banners hanging that read (sic):
D M .
O A c
N R o
N T m
And over at the bar, Noah’s grinning like this is the best time he’s ever
had and is playing with ANOTHER straw (this time a red drink stirrer one) and is
mumbling to Skeevy Stevie that "I’lltelyath’partytomorr’nitef’donnamartingrignalsdotcom’sgonnabeliketh’balldroppin’onTimesSquare!"
Well, Noah, if by that you mean days and days of frantic build up and activity
for, like, a kinda disappointing thirty seconds of mayhem before everyone just
beats tracks home because they’d been locked into these police-patrolled
"pens" without bathrooms for over twelve hours, then, yeah, I guess
the party tomorrow will be a lot like the ball dropping on Times Square.
Especially since Donna Martin is such a talented and innovative designer – as
well as a really special and unique and brilliant person – that she just
promotes the same kind of excitement as New Year’s Eve 1999 or the new season’s
couture shows in Paris or a Royal Wedding Day or Disneyland, Magic Mountain,
Knott’s Berry Farm and Sea World all rolled into one. And Noah keeps chomping
on his straw like he’s trying to clean stubborn food bits from his
farthest-back molars. And Stevie says "Yeah, yeah, it’s gonna be a HUGE
success!" all clearly bemoaning the fact that he’s not in on such a
sure-fire thing as the launching of Donna’s on-line clothing store, because,
despite the occasional threats of disaster, Donna is so amazing and so talented
that everything she touches turns to gold. She is an inspiration to young women
everywhere who don’t want to have to actually go to any kind of fashion school
or learn to sew or study marketing and business or intern at a fashion magazine
or work for a boutique or a designer for minimum wage + $.50 an hour... because
you don’t have to do any of that messy introductory stuff to be a successful
designer! You just buy your own store about a year after college and start
designing your own stuff! Then you’ll be SUCH a success in the fashion
industry that magazine editors and buyers and photographers and models will all
seek YOU out! And not only that, you’ll have Admirers everywhere! And you can
live in a beach condo and drive a convertible and not have to worry about silly
things like store hours or paying rent or working with suppliers or anything!
Say, what ever happened to Donna’s catalogue?
And, hey, if this is such a Big, Major Event, why isn’t Kelly Taylor of
KTPR actually involved in this process in any way?
Anyway, Noah’s still looking all happy and jovial (which isn’t all that
different than him brooding all Ersatz-Dylan-like... just with a goofusy happy
facial expression instead of a goofusy morose facial expression) and mumbling
about "spare cash" and "investing" and Noah finally mumbles
Issacrock. M’kay?" Um. I don’t recall any saying about people who used
to be rich not missing their money, but okay Noah. And then Noah mumbles about
how if he had extra cash he’d buy a thirty-two-foot sloop and just sail off to
Tahiti.... So now we know how Noah’s leaving LA in a couple weeks to sail off
into the sunset (God, please let that boat have a big leak somewhere…). Maybe
Valerie’s coming back to buy back the PPAD and’ll stay in LA and run it and
Anyway, and then Noah wants to know what Stevie would do with a lot of
money... And Stevie says all darkly, "I’d stop waking up at two in the
morning with nightmares about not having enough cash!" Yeah, I mean, poor
Stevie... I really feel sorry for him. Free house, free business, trust fund...
I don’t know how he sleeps nights, for worrying about paying all the bills and
everything.... It’s gotta be hard. I think back to when I was little and my
newly-divorced-again-mom was pawning all her jewelry for a grocery money while
she tried to find a decent-paying secretarial job that wasn’t already taken by
someone "more qualified" (i.e. someone who’d been in the
workforce... this was, like, 1981, remember?) and I was taking crap from the
kids in sixth grade because I only had one pair of jeans and they were getting
too short and me and my brother were eating peanut-butter-on-graham-cracker
sandwiches for lunch for weeks on end because a dollar a day for hot lunches was
too expensive and we had to move in with my grandma because there was no money
for rent. So I understand how life must be really hard for the Sanderses, trying
to afford those Mommy & Me classes and nannies and alien goo and trips to
Bakersfield to "cover one of those stupid UFO conventions." And Noah,
Mr. Total Oral Fixation, is just going to town on that straw, and mumbles
"Huh. Yeah. Y’cnallusdream,huh?" And then the phone rings, and it’s
Elbetrah, crying and pressing her lips together, with all the spine of a sea
sponge, announcing that she’s in jail and begging him to "please get me
out of here!" Wow. What sidewalk did they scrape this girl up off of, huh?
And over at Dysfunction Junction, Donna and Kelly are in Kelly’s Rose
Colored Bedroom, and Kelly’s getting ready for her big dinner date with daddy
and is wearing an Itty Bitty slip dress and putting on Itty Bitty Earrings and
an Itty Bitty necklace while she and Donna talk about what a "jerk"
Davy was being at the photo shoot... as if it was something, like, mildly
puzzling yet cute. And then they have to talk about Donna’s Latest Admirer:
"Well Mitch has me scheduled to spend every vacation with him and his
family from now until Groundhog’s [sic] Day!" bemoans Donna. And Kelly
sniggers and says "Your being down on Mitch [sic] wouldn’t have anything
to do with the fact that Camille and David are fighting, would it?" And
Donna plays dumb and makes faces at Kelly and goes "Nooooo.... Why would
you even ASK that?" Um, because you told Kelly that you’re still in love
with David, you silly dork. Whatever "love" means in Hillsterspeak,
that is.... And Kelly wetly says "You just get really critical of whoever
you’re going out with whenever the specter of David as a single man comes
up." Specter: a ghost; a haunting or threatening vision.
Appropriate, huh? And then Donna Does Comedy, playing oblivious and telling
Kelly "Purple purse... definitely go with the purple purse!" And then
Kelly’s dad calls and cancels out on dinner. Again. I mean, Kelly...? WHY DO
YOU STILL KEEP AGREEING TO SEE HIM IF YOU KNOW HE’S GOING TO DITCH YOU 95% OF
THE TIME?! "He’s my father" just doesn’t cut it. Take it from
someone who knows.
And over at the again Nat-less Peach Pit, Janet, looking
like Dorothy in the land of Oz with those braids, comes in with Maddie (sans
baby carrier or baby tote of any kind, because I guess she’s either going to
order something to go like everyone else does, or just hold Maddie and eat with
one hand and hope the kid doesn’t cry or spit up or need a pacifier or
something). And Dylan’s there, totally jovial what with his new business
venture and imminent success instead of brooding and rasping and drinking like
usual. And he offers his goddaughter (although no one’s made any mention
whatsoever of Maddie’s godparentage since, like, the baptism….) a BLT,
because, despite all his brooding and drinking, Dylan really loves kids ‘neath
it all, and that means he’s essentially a good person… self-destructiveness
and immaturity and substance abuse aside. And Maddie gives Dylan the stink-eye
and says, "Dude, that let’s-patronize-the-infant shit is SO lame! Shut
up!" And then Janet says "Say hi-i-i!" and then explains to Dylan
"No, Maddie doesn’t have enough teeth yet for a BLT… but I certainly am
… capable." And Maddie goes "God, Ma, what are you, a total troll?
And what’s with all that double entendrè, huh?" And Dylan ad libs
some comment about thinking he saw two teeth on the bottom (with appropriate
gestures towards his own lower toothal region), and Maddie rolls her eyes and
says "You mean I gave up a night reading French Symbolist poetry and
listening to my Thelonius Monk album collection for this crap?" and sighs.
And Dylan’s escorting Janet and her little Cherokee Nation braids to the
counter. And then Dylan tells an unsuspecting Janet the BJNW that he
"wanted to talk to you and Steve anyway" because Stevie, from
Bakersfield, "wired $10,000 into my account a couple hours ago." And
that, of course, sends Janet the BJNW over the edge, although she pretends she
knows about it, because she doesn’t want to look all BJNWed in front of anyone
other than Stevie. She has her pride, you know. And Dylan is concerned that they
understand this Internet venture is "risky" and then says
"Anyways, you ladies have a nice dinner" and leans in and plants this
really weirdly intimate kiss on Janet’s neck while making "Mmm"
noises. And Maddie stares at him and says "Hey, cretin! Have you no shame?
It’s not like my mom has her head screwed on straight were men’re concerned
anyway! Don’t make it harder for her!" And Dylan says "Say hi to
Steve for me!" And Janet, full on BJNWed and trying to remember which is
the dullest knife in the Casa Skeevy block-o-knives (see the www.asseenin.com
auction…) with which to inflict damage to Skeevy Stevie’s little penis, says
"Oh, believe me… I will!" And Maddie goes "Don’t worry, Ma…
just do what you always do: deny him sex, give him the silent treatment, go on a
banzai, guilt-inducing cleaning binge, and claim everything’s fine until you’re
ready to blow up at him, just like usual!" And Janet glares Major Hateful
Shit at nobody in particular, which must be why the waitresses are too scared to
come over and ask her what her order is, and then looks at Maddie and goes
"What?" And Maddie goes "I don’t care if he’s my father…
you were stupid to’ve married that guy! Not to mention have sex with
him!" And Janet goes "I know," and thumps Maddie on the back,
planning to move Stevie’s testicles from the jar on her nightstand to a cold,
dark box in the garage or something….
And over at 7250 Yeah Right Blvd., one of the "networking" contacts
LawyerBoy made at the Sweatlodge/Rave is evidently looking for a lawyer. Um.
Would someone 1) actually’ve KEPT a business card handed to them by a
drugged-out freak and 2) actually thought "Yeah, say, I need a lawyer…
how ‘bout I give that guy from the desert a call!" But LB, who was just
complaining about his lack of new clients only a few shows ago, claims that he’s
not taking on any new cases right now. Sure you’re not taking any new clients,
LawyerBoy…. And then Kelly walks in as the guy says "I’ll say hi to Amy
Wouldn’t it be better if, like, since LB was handing out business cards,
that BIKE BETTY AMY showed up at his office herself… maybe even to say that
she had herpes or was pregnant or to demand "what happened that
night?" or "why haven’t you called me?" or something…?
Anyway, so LB goes "Yeah, you do that" all lamely as the guy leers
at Kelly and goes "Heeeeeeey" like Fonzie. And Kelly deigns a
"hi" without looking at him. And when he’s gone, she pretends she
isn’t being disdainful as she asks LB "Who was that?" and "Are
you going to take the case?" and squonches her lips all duck-like and tries
to pretend she’s not pissy. And then she announces that "My dad called
and canceled again." And LB all solicitously (gettit? A lawyer pun? See in
the UK, lawyers are called "solicitors" and- Okay. Sorry.) "Are
you all right?" And Kelly admits she’s "A little angry… at myself,
mostly, for getting all excited. I feel like an idiot." I mean, of COURSE
Kelly isn’t stark raving pissed at her asshole of a dad… that wouldn’t be
Nice! And we all know that Hillster Girls have to be nice… unless they’re
the Brunette Vixen of the show, that is. And LB tells her "hissa fool, t’s
his loss" which makes Kelly hug him and baby-talk "Thank you…."
As she looks all crushed and dewy and abandoned over his shoulder clutching her
Itty Bitty purse. And LB goes "For what?" And, oh god, it’s another
deluge of the Plot Downpour because, for some strange reason, THE WRITERS STILL
DON’T THINK WE "GET" IT YET, because Kelly wetly and earnestly
baby-talks "For never disappointing me…" with her wet glossy lips
all pouting. Which makes me hope maybe Kelly knows more than she’s letting on
and is just enjoying twisting the knife forcibly and repeatedly. And, Kelly,
what about when LB "forgot" to mention to you that he was married?
That might’ve been a little, oh, say, disappointing, huh?
And then Chumley the Lawyer is all guilt-ridden again and announces "I’m
taking you out tonight!" And maybe my theory about Kelly knowing something
is close to the truth because she responds "There’s one problem with that…
who’s Amy?" I mean, it’d’ve made more sense to say "Oh, by the
way" or "Hey, out of curiosity" instead of "There’s one
problem with [you taking me out tonight]." And LB blusters that Amy is
"just some girl that Dylan hooked up with in the desert. That’s how that
guy heard about me." And Kelly laughs deprecatingly and goes "Oh,
Dylan is SUCH a DOG!" And if Dylan is her Soulmate, wouldn’t this make
her pissy, like usual? But anyway, LB heaves yet another Chumley Sigh of
Incredible Guilt, because even he, steeped in the sexist, double-standard world
that is 90210, doesn’t seem to realize that HE WAS DRUGGED AND DATE-RAPED!
And over at the Homeslice House, Noah’s mumbling and slurping coffee and
Elbetrah is whining and being pathetic. Turns out she "was behind on her
rent and… just moved everything into my [car] trunk." A whole apartment’s
worth of stuff? And Noah mumbles intently that she "can call me"
anytime she’s in trouble. And Elbetrah whines that yesterday her car wouldn’t
start, "And I had a half-gallon of Gibley’s" and "just started
in." And her eyes are all tear-filled again… I don’t think we’ve ever
seen this girl not either on the verge or in the throes of a total breakdown.
But Noah, being the strong, good, sensitive alcoholic that he is, mumbles
intently "’sgetchoobackintaAA" Erm. These aren’t the Twelve Steps,
folks, these are, like, the Twelve Big No-Nos or the Twelve Dysfunctions or the
Twelve Wrong Ways to Have a Relationship or The Twelve Lamest Things About Noah
and His New Girlfriend or something….
And over at the still-Nat-less Peach Pit, for some reason we first see
LawyerBoy sitting alone at a booth chowing fries, and then over at another
table, Donna and Donna’s Latest Admirer have their palm pilots out, and Donna’s
Latest Admirer is "beaming" her his updated itinerary, and then
encourages Donna to "beam" over her schedule to him. And Donna,
staring at him like a sulky 7-year-old being coaxed to go to the dentist or take
a bath, actually whines and pouts "I don’t want to beam you my
itinerary!" Because Donna is so sweet and good and doesn’t want to
hurt anyone’s feelings, and that’s why she’s so charmingly child-like and
innocent and fresh and ingenuous. Like Persephone. Like Juliet. Like Collette’s
Gigi... James’s Daisy Miller… Princess Diana… every fairy-tale princess we’ve
ever seen via the ballet and San Souci picture books and the Wonderful World of
Disney…. Anyway, Donna’s Latest Admirer can’t understand why Donna won’t
"beam" him her itinerary, because "In terms of time
management, it’s a real sweetheart!" And then Donna LJBFs him and
confesses that "it isn’t going to work" and says in her little-girl
voice "there’s something missing here… what about spontaneity?"
and "just keep things professional" and all that schlock, because
"tonight a lot of planning’s gone into it" (sic). And it sounds like
Donna’s affecting a touch of the Madonna Fake English Accent as she swallows
some of her vows and looks all pathetically little-girlishly contrite. And Donna’s
Latest Jilted Lovelorn Admirer hands her the pictures from the shoot and tells
her to "page" him with which ones he wants her to upload later. I’m
not sure how she could page that info, but I’m suspecting that an
anal-retentive super-organized sucking-the-fun-out-of-life computer guy like him
would have some sort of message-paging system, too. Because computer guys are
always majorly anal-retentive and loooove computerized gadgets. And then he
announces that he’s not going to the party, but "Don’t worry, your site
will be on-line eight sharp as planned." Okay, being married to a computer
programmer… isn’t it kinda futile to plan a site’s launch for an exact,
concrete time… unless it’s already up and running and the "launch"
is just a formality? Why doesn’t he say the site is "going live"
like any other normal computer savvy person? And then Donna’s Latest Jilted,
Lovelorn Admirer pauses and announces "I just want you to know, Donna… I
don’t give up that easy." Because even an anal-retentive computer guy
becomes all passionate where Donna’s concerned…. And because other than
Noah, Donna hasn’t really been STALKED in a couple seasons, and she’s due
for another Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest of desperate, passionate, obsessive love.
Because stalking isn’t about power or control… no, in Hillsterland, it’s
proof that she incites undying love and devotion, that she is needed,
inspirational, goddesslike…. Why, being stalked is downright flattering, innit?!
And Donna, wearing this silk-screened turquoise shirt with a fishy swimming
through aquarium grasses on it, raises her eyebrows, heaves a big old sigh. And
puffs her lips out. And raises her eyebrows a few more times. You know, in case
we missed it. Because being stalked and obsessed over is so hard on someone as
tenderhearted and sweet and good as Donna.
And then Kelly comes flitting in with Dylan, and is chirping (shout out!)
"Soooo, enough about me! You have exactly thirty seconds to update me on
your life!" How white of her. And Nosy Kelly wants to know "about Amy!
… Yes, I know ALL about your liaison with the Desert Princess!" Um,
Kelly? Chill. And LB pays his check and quickly intervenes before Dylan says
anything Wrong, because LB is going all Evil by hiding his Sweatlodge/Rave
date-rape from Kelly, remember? Because deliberately lying about having cheated
on your Significant Other is WRONG- Well, it is if you aren’t the other person’s
SOULMATE. Anyway, Kelly chirps that they’re going to look a wedding sites,
which I guess means she’s not doing PR work of any kind right now, ‘specially
not on donnamartinoriginals.com. And LB gives a smirking Dylan a Warning Look
before sweeping Our Favorite Hedonist off to LA’s most impressive churches and
mansions. Because the bigger and better the wedding, the better the couple and
the marriage. And Kelly and LB leave without acknowledging Donna sitting and
huffing by herself, and Dylan sits smirking at the counter without acknowledging
Donna sitting and huffing by herself, and I guess Donna doesn’t acknowledge
Dylan sitting and smirking by himself, either.
And over at Casa Skeevy, Stevie comes doinging in while Janet is aggressively
clearing the breakfast (lunch?) table, and squawks "I’m baaaack!"
And Maddie says "Watch your back, Pa, you big dweeb. Mommy’s got a major
bug up her butt." And Stevie goes "Hey Maddie! Mwah mwah mwah mwah
mwah! Did you two ladies have the Chippendale dancers come over while Daddy was
away at his convention?" And Maddie give Stevie a LOOK and says
"Are you that stupid? I can’t believe you’d say something so disgusting
and offensive to your infant daughter. Geez, Dad, I’m in for a world of hurt
come puberty, aren’t I?" And then Stevie says to Janet all beleagueredly,
"Oh, honey! For the last thirteen hours I’ve been surrounded by people
who swear that they’ve had their nether regions probed by aliens! Speaking of
probing nether regions… nice t’ see ya!" And 1) GROSS! And 2) I
hate to draw the obvious correlations between that and the Sanderses’ marriage
(as well as any and all Hillster relationships). So of COURSE Janet gives Skeevy
Stevie the BJNW Look of Death, having buried the glass jar containing his
testicles at midnight in the backyard in some secret, black-magic ceremony that
involved dead animals and strange combinations of herbs. And Stevie pulls the
"Whaa? What’s wrong" crap until Janet bitches him out, Aggro-Cleaning
all BJNW-style all the way. And I’ll take it as a shout-out that they feebly
refer to their disrespectful and immature sham of a marriage as "a
partnership." They wish. And then Stevie announces "I didn’t invest
our money… I invested MY money!" And Janet flips out at this, darkly
repeating "YOUR money?" as Stevie explains about the 50K that Grandpa
Sanders left him.
Okay. On top of the (ostensibly) $10,000+ that they must’ve had in their
"our money" account that Janet was territorially protecting (why didn’t
she contact the bank?), Stevie… has… an… EXTRA FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS
stashed somewhere. And we’re supposed to believe that he could possibly be
loosing sleep about not having enough money?!
And, granted, I think Stevie’s a total twit, but Janet… Janet the Bossy
Jealous Nagging Wife Stereotype of the Worst Possible Kind… turns around and
HITS him! Not once, but TWICE! How… how…cute! How fuh-nee! How
respectful! …For God’s sake, Writers, I’VE READ THE POSTS ON THE FOX.COM
BOARDS! THOSE VIEWERS ARE TOO STUPID TO NOT REALIZE THAT THIS IS NOT
FUNNY AND NOT CUTE AND IS NOT THE WAY PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND RESPECT
EACH OTHER BEHAVE! And the viewers DON’T need to see any more examples of
couples who DON’T love and respect each other! Stop it! STOP IT!
And Janet bitches Stevie out some more for hiding money from her
(understandable… although don’t worry, hon… California is still a
community property state) and Stevie pretends he "forgot" to tell her
about it (understandable… being married to a Turbo-Bitch-On-Wheels like Janet.
You might wanna make sure a trust is set up for Maddie ASAP, dork). And Janet
stomps off, and Stevie huffs, and Maddie reaches for the phone and
surreptitiously dials the number of the Kids’ Crisis Center that she has
memorized and says "Hi… it’s me, Maddie. Yeah, they’re at it again…."
Oh jeez. Another AA meeting. Noah trying to get Elbetrah’s pathetic butt
in. She says, in what must be some deep, philosophical statement about
Hillsterism, that she’s "not into the whole Group Mentality thing."
She then freaks out and leaves. Why are we wasting time on this? Why couldn’t
NOAH HAVE DIED IN THAT FIREY EXPLOSION AT THE REQUISITE KIDNAP AND RANSOM
WHEREHOUSE LAST MONTH? I mean, what’s stupider than Noah? Yup… the writers
trying to make us believe that Noah’s a decent person and capable of Saving an
Other. And the only thing stupider than THAT is this Ellen chick. Please let her
go nuts and kill Noah! PLEASE!
And over at Now Sneer This, Donna and Camille are shuffling with delight
through the pictures of Camille modeling. (She looks really good, too. I mean,
she doesn’t have that bandy, underfed look that Donna has.) And Davy stomps
in, gives a curt "hi," ignores Camille, and announces that he’s
there to "pick up the banners for the party." And when they show him
Camille’s pictures, he kinda gives them a cursory riffle and says all nastily
"Yeah, they’re nice" and throws ‘em down on the counter. And,
oblivious to the fact that her Soulmate is wearing BAGgy Crankypants, Donna
chirps that Camille is "going to be the next Cindy Margolis!" Which
might be a backhanded compliment, considering she isn’t so much an internet
"model" as she is an internet centerfold or an internet slut. And Davy
glares and sneers and, for some reason, instead of telling Davy he’s acting
like a selfish brat, Camille is all hurt and whines that he doesn’t
"like" the pictures. And Davy protests, although… "they ARE a
little cheesy." Which I’ll accept as a personal shout-out. And Donna
raises her eyebrows, like "Now, don’t be a meanie, David!" and says
"the banners are over there." And Davy raises his eyebrows back and
stomps off. And then Donna and Camille raise their eyebrows at each other before
Camille goes tearing after Davy and goes "David, what the hell is going on
with you?" And Davy, ever the kind soul, sneers "Nothing, you asked my
opinion, I gave it to you!" I mean, what an ASSHOLE! And when Camille
protests and wants to know why he’s so miserable, he says all scornfully
"Maybe I’m just a miserable guy!" and tells her, basically, if she
doesn’t like it, then "don’t [be around it] then!" and stomps off.
And instead of shouting "It’s over, jerk! I don’t deserve to be treated
like this!" Camille just stands there, wondering what on earth she’s done
wrong to make Davy act so mean and nasty. And then the camera shifts so we have
to see Donna inside looking all sad and pathetic. And we know this moment isn’t
making Donna think "God, David really treats Camille like crap. Maybe I
should re-think my infatuation with a guy who would be so disrespectful and
passive-aggressive and dishonest and immature, especially to a woman he’s
supposedly romantically involved with…." No, she’s prolly thinking
"Poor David… he’s really hurting right now. That Evil Camille puts such
awful demands on him that he CAN’T HELP lashing out in anger! I just have to
be patient, and when we’re together again someday, he’ll be the sweet, funny
David Silver I’ve loved since I was in high school…" God help her….
God help us…. God help those poor, dumb Teen Viewers!
Ick. Noah mumbling at an AA meeting: "Jus’hurts, y’know?
IseesomuchamyselfinElln. [big sigh] Ijus… I jusneverrealiztha…
Well, first, I suppose this is proof that Noah’s on his way outa Hillsterland
on a sloop, because he’s leaning on strangers, not Hillsters. And second, this
whole scene… I mean, wow. Powerful, huh? Evocative? Intense? Original? Yeah,
and so is Elbetrah coming in at the end of the meeting to announce "I’m
Ellen… and I’m an alcoholic." We’ve just come full-circle, haven’t
we? First Dylan and Brandon and Surf Betty Sarah, and now, ten years later,
Okay. Since we haven’t had enough Screaming Doses of Unreality in this
stupid show yet, now we get to go to the Big Launch Party for
donnamartinoriginals.com at the PPAD, where Donna, dazzlingly beautiful and
stylish and sexy in her boob tube and big glossy curls and big glossy lips, is
fretting and brooding and swinging her bandy arms around in front of the
gigantic fake computer screen that will soon display her new web site. And the
which could make it look like the actual site addy is "Originals.com"….
I know, I know, but, again, I’ve read the FOX boards and I know there’re a
lot of dumb people out there.
So Stevie’s manning the laptop computer which I guess is Mission Control
Center or something, and Donna joins the other assembled Hillsters there (sans
Janet, who "isn’t ready for the Internet age" according to a
sheepish Stevie. Uh huh. And we know this whole event has to be really stressful
for someone as modest as Donna. I mean, talented and successful though she is,
they’re all counting on her! And Kelly, dressed in another Itty Bitty slip
dress, is clearly completely uninvolved in this glorious PR opportunity, and
offers to go get a nervous Donna a drink. And after she goes, a guilt-ridden
LawyerBoy wanders over to Dyl-head to demand "why were you and Kelly
talking about Amy this morning?" And Dylan rasps "It was a fluke. She
asked. I lied. It’s over." Because I’m sure Dylan is really hurting
over this Ethical Quandary he’s in…. And LB is Embracing the Dark Side,
because he’s reminding Dylan they have to "keep our stories
straight!" And Dylan rasps "You a nervous guy? Why don’t you come
clean?" And LB says "I know you’re enjoying the fact that I made
a mistake but spare me the good advice!" Because date-rape isn’t
date-rape… it’s a "mistake," ‘member? Poor, poor, tormented
And then, as if that wasn’t problematic enough, we have the Most
Dysfunctional Discussion Between Two Hillster Women since Kelly and Donna had
the "but I love him so even though he’s mean to me!" talk about Ray
Pruit…. Donna and Camille, both leaning in identical crossed-arms poses on the
railing, brooding not about the web site, but about Davy. (See the visual
symbolism?) And Camille whines "I don’t know what’s up with David,
everything was going so well!" And Donna says "Don’t worry, David
gets in these little moods…." And Camille whines a la HillsterGrrl, "Maybe
it’s my fault!" And Donna hastily says "No, no, no no no,
trust me… it’ll blow over, just give him some space." Because she
knows Davy oh-so-much better than Camille, see? That’s the point of
this dialogue, not, say, how freaking problematic it is that Davy’s treating
Camille (and Dylan and even Donna) like crap is endearingly shrugged off as
"a little mood." Uh huh. And trust me, Writers, THE TEENS WATCHING
THIS SHOW AND GUSHING ABOUT HOW COOL IT IS THAT DAVID AND DONNA ARE GETTING BACK
TOGETHER AND GETTING MARRIED DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NEED TO HEAR CRAP LIKE THIS!
And then… then Kelly comes over with a (non-champagne drink) and goes (all
Dwanollah-like) "Here you go, hon!" and hands the drink to Donna…
and Camille snatches it away and goes "Oh, thanks!" And Kelly gets all
bent out of shape and makes pissy faces with her trademark glass of red wine and
Donna pretends befuddlement. Oh, the imagery! If we ever doubted Camille was an
Evil Hillster-Stealing Other before this scene, we have conclusive proof now!
She’ll be selling her share of the store to Davy and running away with her
tail between her legs in a matter of days, won’t she?
And then, um, Dylan announces that donnamartinoriginals.com "will be
coming on-line" in about thirty seconds. Uh. Um. Ahhh…. And he
invites the talented and successful yet very modest designer Donna Martin to
stand on the stage while there’s a drum roll…. But…why would Stevie, um, type
the name into a search engine? Anyhow, and then up comes the page with a big
ol’ cheesy picture of Donna with shorter hair right smack in the middle, and
littler photos of Camille dressed in various Donnawear appearing, complete
with little twinkly sounds, on the sides with captions like
"SMART" and "HIP" and "CLEVER." But…why would
Donna ask Steve to "do the honors with a double-click" when you don’t
double click stuff in a web page? And then, oh, the horrors! The web page
reveals an ACCESS DENIED message, and then, with another twinkly sound, Until
Donna Martin goes on another date with Mitch Field. And poor, good, kind,
trusting, softhearted Donna is left to stand there on the stage, Stalked and
Obssessed Over for all the world to see! How will she sleep tonight?! How will
she ever hold her head up again? And finally she rushes over to Stevie, boobies
flopping around willy-nilly, to ask "What does this all mean?!" And
Stevie grimly announces "It means were all screwed!" Oh, gosh, the
And, down to the nitty gritty…. I mean, first of all, there’s the
complete and total stupidity of them not going live with
donnamartinoriginals.com BEFORE the last-second-countdown at the launch party,
without, say, testing it first. I mean, come on… Donna’s really willing to
put it up sight unseen, to the whole world? And for something as major as a
launch party, it might’ve been wise to show everyone a demo of the site on a
single computer instead of leaving it up to the uncertainty of the Internet,
what with connection problems and all, not just the possibility of a Jilted
Lover. And then there’s all of the programming work Donna’s Latest Jilted
Lovelorn Admirer would’ve had to put into the oh-so-Weird Science
ACCESS DENIED thing and then the slowly appearing Until Donna Martin goes on
another date with Mitch Field. And wouldn’t doing that in such a public
way – I mean, he’s identified himself to all and sundry – get him in
trouble with the ISP? Couldn’t Donna then easily sue him for breach of
contract? And especially, she wouldn’t’ve paid him for his services until
the site was up and running to her approval (RIGHT?!), so with him doing this,
all Donna’d have to do is withhold his payment. I’m sure none of this
matters to Donna’s Latest Admirer, of course, because what is most important
is that Donna realize how much he loves her and wants to be with her because she’s
so beautiful and lovable and attractive and warm and witty and fun too be with
and delightful and-
And then it’s another 90210 Moment as Dylan rasps "Remember my wedding
day? … The worst day of my life" and we Reminisce about Toni getting
And at some huge, brick, loft-looking office, Donna comes gallumphing in,
decked out in a Big Showdown outfit of a skirt and little shirt and big ol’
black boots and a black leather jacket, and a purse that she swings back and
forth, and her hair all pulled back with a couple braids on the sides, and her
makeup all done, and heavy red lipstick and lip gloss on. And as she stomps in,
Her Latest Jilted Admirer beams and greets her with a cheerful "Hey!"
and then "Oh." As if being infatuated with Donna wasn’t proof enough
that he’s a total moron…? And Donna leans forward all Charlie’s
Angels-like on the desk (revealing The Cavern. *Sideshow Bob Shudder*) and
berates him for "freezing the web site!" …which her Admirer only
protests he did because "can’t you see, we’re PERFECT for each
other!" And Donna, emphasizing every other word, snaps "Just because I
CONVINIENTLY fit into your SCHEDULE does NOT mean that I’m the right GIRL for
you! And if you look UP from your electronic ORGANIZER long enough to
REALIZE-" But Donna’s Latest Admirer interrupts her to protest that
"You said you were coming over to Mother’s house for Christmas!"
Because, yeah, those geeky computer guys are all not only super-anal-retentive,
they’re all totally mother-fixated, too! And then Donna, oh yes, our
Butt-Kicking Successful Career Woman ain’t havin’ it, because she snaps
"Well there’ll be no chestnuts roasted between us! Ever!" Wow. Not
only is Donna beautiful and talented, she doesn’t take no shit! (And she’s
got those funny, comedic quips, too.) What an inspiration! I’ll have to
remember this next time life is gettin’ me down! And then Donna’s Latest
Jilted Admirer, trying not to laugh, begs lackadaisically "Give me another
chance." And Girlfrien’ Donna ain’t havin’ NONE o’ dat! She storms
at him "MITCH! We’re DONE! …Everybody’s hard WORK, all the investors’
MONEY, a BIG waste of TIME! [sic] Because… what you did, it wasn’t ROMANTIC,
it wasn’t PERUSUASIVE, it was CRUEL AND DESRUCTIVE, NOT to mention
ILLEGAL!" And Donna’s Latest Jilted Admirer goes "So sue me! …What’s
a… life-long dream realized if I don’t have you to share it with,
right?" …which wins the award for the Stupidest Thing Uttered In
Tonight’s Episode, because not only is there the stupidity of him being sooooo
in love with Donna after a week and wanting to marry her (which he delivered in
an increasingly none-too-convincing tone), but, like, was doing Donna’s web
site his "lifelong dream realized"…? And then Donna shrieks
"Are you KIDDING me?" And Donna’s Latest Jilted Admirer goes "You
know how they say there’s only one person for everyone? Well I was sure it was
you!" Wait, scratch that previous Stupidest Thing award! And Donna
shakes her head and whispers dramatically "Well figuring that out… is a
lot trickier than you would think!" AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PEOPLE, THERE
IS NOT ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD FOR EVERYONE! Quit that The One
bullshit! Quit the Soulmate crap! PLEASE! THE TEENAGERS ARE TAKING YOU SERIOUSLY
AND THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING! And Donna’s Latest Jilted Admirer sighs "I
guess so." And Donna takes two or three slow steps away from him, then
whips back around and says all pointedly "It’s not too late to make
things right" and raises her eyebrows at him significantly before stomping
away. Wow! How DARE we EVER say DONNA was SPINELESS?! I mean, she just proved
here for once and for all that she won’t let a guy walk all over her! His
tactics weren’t "romantic" or "persuasive"… they were
CRUEL AND DESTRUCTIVE!
Of course, it’s only the case when your obsessed Jilted Admirer does
something to your web site… if he was really her One Soulmate, though, it’d
just be one of his "little moods" that would "pass"
And at stupid Casa Skeevy, Stevie’s fixing breakfast and bemoaning his bad
luck with "a dot com investment, what was I thinking?" And Janet the
BJNW is making snippy comments about "I’m glad it wasn’t MY money!
Otherwise I don’t think I could keep down MY breakfrist [sic]!" And
Maddie’s in her carrier on the kitchen table, looking from Janet to Stevie to
Janet, and says "Hey, guys? Have you tried marriage counseling? Seriously.
Because, I mean, talk about an unhealthy emotional environment for a kid! All
the Gymboree in the world isn’t gonna help me through this!" And then
Stevie rolls his eyes and says "Is it just going to be veiled barbs from
you from now on?" (From now on?!) And Janet the BJNW snaps "Oh no,
some won’t be so veiled!" And Maddie says, "Would you two give it a
rest already? You operate on the maturity levels of middle school kids! Can you
please please please put me up for adoption, huh?" And then Janet dangles
one of Maddie’s toys in front of Maddie’s face and goes "Look Maddie
look!" and then snatches it away and goes "MINE! Your daddy taught me
that!" And Maddie looks at Janet for a moment and finally says "Good
God, woman, you need HELP! What kind of a freak ARE you?!" And then Stevie
gives some speech about how supportive his grandfather was and Janet
(rightfully) points out that she’s not disputing his bond with his
grandfather, but rather, the fact that he hid $50,000 from her. And Stevie
insists "I wasn’t hiding anything from you!" Um, Stevie…? That’s
on par with the old Eddie Murphy joke about the husband telling his wife who saw
him with another woman that "It wasn’t me, baby." I mean, the whole
world isn’t necessarily as stupid as you! And Janet (in typical BJNW fashion,
of course), explains that she’s doubting his commitment to her and Maddie
since he has "such a huge, clandestine [Hillster Keyword Alert] safety
net!" And Stevie demands "How could you even think something like
that!" Well, Stevie, I repeat something I’ve said in past Rants: given
your past history and your general attitude, how could she NOT think something
like that?! So Janet claims she "never did" until he dipped into his
secret funds… "And now all I can imagine is… you on some beach in
Jamaica with two bimbos and a vat of cocoa butter!" And Stevie, ever the
sensitive and mature boy, makes a slightly skeevy grin and says "I’m
allergic to cocoa butter!" Like, ha ha. Cute. Fuh-neeeee. And Janet the
BJNW goes "Oooohh" and starts stomping away, but Stevie blusters
"What! It’s just money!" Um. Ah. Well. And Janet snaps "That is
exactly what ticks me off!" and leaves Stevie to be Househusband because
she "has dibs" to work at the office. And she stamps away. And Maddie
calls out "REAL mature, guys! Real mature!" And Stevie turns to Maddie
and blusters, pointing a finger, "Don’t you lookit me like that!"
all Gary Coleman. And Maddie says "For God’s sake, you moron, SEND ME
BACK! SEND ME BACK!"
And at Donna’s stupid store, Davy comes in to apologize "for last
night." And poor, distraught Donna whines "For which part, for blowing
it off, or the whole crash and burn of it?" And of course, Davy’s all
sweet and sincere now, because That Nasty Evil Camille isn’t around, bringin’
him down, and he’s just really, really concerned about Donna. And Donna’s
all distraught because she’s "responsible" for the crash and burn.
Uh huh. We know this has to hurt her so. And she says "Shoulder
please!" and Davy goes to hug her… and then we get the horrid shots of
Davy breathing all over the nape of Donna’s neck and Donna moaning and whining
about Mitch and about how "glad" she is Davy’s in a better mood, and
"you smell good" and other icky too-intimate crap. Because, you know,
DONNA AND DAVY ARE SOOOO IN LUV! And then they pull away just in time for
Camille and Dylan to come in and announce that the web site’s up and running.
Okay. And Camille tells her that "people have been posting messages about
What clothing/shopping site has a message board?
But, especially… I think we should take this as the grandest possible
shout-out of all time. You know, sort of a crafty way of them acknowledging all
of the "posting messages about [Donna]" that we do here….
Anyway, then Camille asks Davy if she can talk to him, and they stomp off
outside, where Davy tries the "I have a meeting" b.s., but Camille
accuses him of avoiding her. I’m wondering, after all this crap, WHY she’d
want to see him again anyway, but that’s just me. Anyway, Davy’s been doing
a lot of rationalizing and has the perfect answer for Camille; he claims "I
just don’t want to have a fly-by conversation, that’s all." Oh, yeah,
Davy, I’m sure you’re just trying to do the right thing, huh? And he says
"I’ll call you tomorrow" and stomps off, leaving Camille behind all
Sad and Rejected.
And then back inside the store, Dylan announces that the web site’s had
"over 200 hits!" Well, knowing Donna, I’m surprised it isn’t 2000!
20,000! Donna could do it! And they pull up one of the messages (ha) complete
with twinkly sound and fade-in (ha) on the store’s message board (ha) and
someone who must be the intellectual equal of those TeenPosters over at FOX has
How’s the happy couple?
Is there really a Mitch and Donna?
I’ll buy two skirts if you let him kiss you? [sic]
Well, at least they spared us the usual barrage of superfluous punctuation.
And I’ve tried pausing a dozen times to see who the sender is, and it looks
like Danielle something, but I, in my ever-increasing 90210-related narcissism,
keep thinking it says Dwanollah. There’s really no help for me, is there?
Anyway, Donna reads it out loud, giggling at the "I’ll buy two skirts
if ya kiss ‘m!" line. And Camille observes "There’s got to be some
way we can work this to our advantage!" Because, you know, she’s not
being a savvy businesswoman by doing this, she’s being Evil. And Donna chirps
"Why do they even care?" which I think is another pointed barb at the
boards here. And Camille says "People are suckers for a happy ending!"
Because, you know. And in case you DIDN’T get it the last FOUR MILLION TIMES,
Dylan rasps to Donna as Camille drifts away, "I’m sure young David would
agree." Because it takes a Soulmate to know a Soulmate, or somesuch
nonsense like that….
And over at Homeslice House for Wayward Alcoholics, Elbetrah’s happily
ensconced in a chair chowing popcorn and reading, and Noah comes in bearing
flowers and mumbling nonsense. And it must be Little Leather Book/Organizer Day
at 90210, because Noah’s brought his Problem Child one. And she opens it and
then says "It’s blank!" And I’m wondering what she could’ve
possibly expected to be inside a leather-bound book/organizer other than blank
pages…? Anyway, Noah mumbles happily that it’s to write down "the
wrongs in your life." And where on EARTH would Elbetrah start? There’s
you, Noah. There’s the fact that she cries constantly. And she has no spine.
And she can’t keep a job. And she has no spine. And she drinks. And she has no
spine. And she slept with an alcoholic bartender the first night she met him.
And she has no spine. And she has just moved in with the alcoholic bartender she’s
only known for a couple of weeks. And she has no spine- And Elbetrah gets
defensive and presses her lips together and says "Do you ever have a
conversation without talking about the Steps? It’s like you’re in a cult or
something!" Yeah, honey, it’s called Hillsterism. God, how utterly lame
and useless IS this girl? So she bitches at him for "moving too fast!"
and "breathing down my neck!" and stomps off. Gads. Like she should
talk about "moving too fast"….
And over at the stupid PPAD, Kelly’s nursing ANOTHER glass of wine and
watching Dylan flirt with some girl before coming over to brood at her and
LawyerBoy. And Kelly uncharacteristically chides him all jokingly that "You
never quit!" and wants to know "What about Amy?" and "How
did you two meet, anyway?" Uh huh. And this eventually prompts LB to spew
out some story about a gas station and beef jerky (i.e. what every Hillster Boy
is… Beef Jerk-y) and Amy jumping on the back of Dylan’s bike. Because he’s
Deliberately and Evilly lying to Kelly. And Kelly giggles at the tale and looks
kinda bleary-eyed… mebbe she’s supposed to be tipsy or something? And Dylan
announces that Donna’s web site is running, and Kelly slurs that she’s gonna
go call and congratulate her. Which leaves LB and Dyl-head to rasp and brood at
each other about LB’s lying. LB’s decided "Kelly’s too important to
me" so that he HAS to lie… "I’m jus’ doin’ what YOU do!"
adds LB to Dylie. Ouch. And Dylan rasps "You know better than me." Oh
yeah. Dylan’s ALLOWED to lie and deceive because he knowingly doesn’t know
better! This sounds just like the conversation Stevie had with Ryan where he
said he NEEDED his dad to buy him a business because he wasn’t smart like
Ryan. Uh huh. Anyway, so LB tells Dylan not to wait around "for me to blow
it" because he’s not giving Kelly up. He’s, in fact, doing it FOR
Kelly! Because she needs a man she can count on! What a kind soul he is! And
Dylan rasps "I underestimated you." And LB… LB says, in a truly
glorious shout-out that actually left me staring open-mouthed at the TV, "Yeah.
It’s the sweater vests" and makes Big Significant Eyebrows at Dylan.
Ooooh. And I start screeching dementedly at the TV.
And back at Homelice Haven for Wayward Alcoholics, Noah’s porch-sittin’
and slurping coffee, and Elbetrah comes in the gate to announce she wants to
show him something. I’m hoping it’s the broken end of a whiskey bottle
against his throat, but I just can’t let my hopes be raised again…. It hurts
too much to see Noah continue to Exist in Hillsterland….
And over at Casa Skeevy… Janet the BJNW has gone past mere Bossy, Jealous
and Nagging into Irrational, Selfish and Wildly Immature. Stevie wants to know
where the toothpaste is. Janet announces she "cut the tube in half"
which didn’t work as well as it did with the toilet paper…. Stevie really
DID find a wife as mature as he is, didn’t he? Anyway, Stevie and Janet bitch
at each other, and Stevie claims his money was an escape hatch "for us! For
US!" not for himself. So… was he knowingly keeping the money from her?
Was he lying about "forgetting" to tell her? Anyway, he gives some
Dwanollah-inspired speech – on patronizingly bended knee – about how Janet
and Maddie are "my responsibility!" and he’s worried about failing…
he’s protecting them "from my screw-ups!" And Janet, once Stevie
admits to her how screwed up he is, immediately calms down, as usual. And she
tells him that "the best part about this marriage thing, honey" is
that he doesn’t "have to go through this alone! You don’t have to keep
secrets!" Aren’t they sweet? Janet, treating her husband with fond bossy
maternalness and Stevie, acting the immature and belligerent yet earnest baby
for his wife…. Kinda makes you believe in all those corny love songs, huh?
And over at the still-and-yet-again Nat-less Peach Pit, Davy’s maniacally
salting his French fries and Donna’s babbling about an order from Albuquerque.
And then, Donna, all pretending to be friendly and nice (but really just being
nosy and underhanded) says "Camille misses you! She said that… you haven’t
called her. You’ve just always been the type to call… it’s a trait I
always admired about you." Yeah, ‘cos there ain’t much else to admire
about Davy Silver and his ways with women. And Davy, either really pissy or
really relishing it, goes "So the two of you were… discussing this?"
And Donna demurs, but says that "when you’re folding dozens of t-shirts,
sometimes topics happen to come up… like ‘why is David being such a mopey
butthead?’ – those were her words, not mine!" Because Camille is so
Evil to be asking such things, and Donna would never ever think of being so Evil
and Wretched and Selfish enough to call Davy a mopey butthead. And Donna tells
Davy he should call Camille and apologize, and Davy goes "Check
please," like a major asshole with attitude… and, hey, wotta coincidence,
huh? And then Donna repeats the Hillster Pre-Breakup Truism, "You know, if
you keep acting this way, you might push away something good," which is the
same speech we’ve had to hear Davy give HER about three different times in the
last three months. And Davy… oh my God, what a DICK! Davy says darkly
"Well Donna, maybe that’s what I’m trying to do!" And Donna…
Donna looks at him all speculatively, as if this is something, like, PROMISING,
instead of a warning sign that Davy is A MAJOR SELFISH PRICK when it comes to
being honest, communicating, and handling relationships! And then Davy broods
and rasps "Jus’ lemme figure it out, okay?" Oh, poor, angst-ridden
Davy… he can’t HELP being an asshole! And Donna nods as if hypnotized,
making Sticky Lip Twitches the whole time… well, until a LuAnn Pruit
look-alike Psycho Fan comes up and exclaims "Donna Martin?!" and
gushes about how she just bought stuff and "tried to log on yesterday"
blah blah blah. Um… how did she find out about the web site? She doesn’t
look like the "usual" young, trendy, hip Donna Martin customer. Is
Donna advertising? Is she part of a web ring? Are we to believe that the
word-of-mouth on donnamartinoriginals.com is so intense right now that even we
skanky Valley People have heard about it? You know, like someone on the boards
mentioned already, why wasn’t Donna advertising the new site at the store…?
I mean, it was kinda dumb that the web site wasn’t nowwearthis.com… (but, of
course, that would take away from the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest that
donnamartinoriginals.com connotes…). And Donna’s web site said nothing about
her store, either… no "As seen at Now Wear This…" or nuthin’.
Isn’t that, like, ignoring your already-established customer base? Anyway, the
whole point of this Psycho Fan, after the initial Star-Fucking of Donna-Tori’s
Ego, is that she thinks that Davy is… Mitch! "You’re even cuter than I
imagined! Good luck to both of you!" See! If she thinks that Donna and Davy
(even if she does think he’s Mitch) are "cute" and that it’s soooo
cooool that they’re together, then Donna and Davy MUST be MEANT to-
Anyway, Donna goes all contrivedly "Did she just think…?" and
giggles. And Davy goes "Yeah…." And Donna looks at Davy and giggles.
And Davy looks at Donna and goes "*huuh*" And Donna goes "*heeh!*"
and looks down with more demure, little-girlish Sticky Smiles…. And then
stares back at Davy with more Sticky Moues. And Davy stares back, digging a hunk
of fry out of his teeth with his tongue. And Donna gazes bashfully down again…
and takes an eeeeeny weeeeeeny miniscule bite of pie. Yeah.
Good God. Elbetrah directs Noah to a playground, where she points out her
6-year-old daughter Caitlin… what "tops the list of things I’ve done
wrong." And Noah mumbles something until Elbetrah starts to cry again and
wants to go. Great.
And over at Homeslice House, Camille’s come a-doinging over to see Davy,
despite the fact that he’s left her a message that he’d be over later. And
Davy does the Typical Guy Passive-Aggressive Break Up Thing, not even letting
her in the house, but sitting outside, holding some papers or something. And
Camille thinks it’s all because of "the infamous Camille Desmond
temper" which she "was going to wait until month six" to reveal.
Because we sure saw Camille getting angry at Davy, not just looking all Pathetic
Girlfriend-y at him, huh? And then Davy dumps Camille’s ass with the excuse
that he "just wanted to pick a fight… it wasn’t very cool… you
deserve better than me…" (Yeah, yeah, THAT’s understatement of the
decade… if only you really believed it, Davy…) and "Camille, I’m so
sorry… we just don’t belong together." (Yeah, as if he’s concerned
one iota for Camille.) And so Camille starts bawling, because losing Davy must
really, REALLY hurt… and nods at the paper in his hand "And if that was
going to be a letter… thanks for having the guts to do it in person!"
(Yeah, as if she hadn’t forced the issue by showing up.) Bye, Camille.
And over at Dysfunction Junction, Kelly’s in her Rose Colored bedroom,
swishing around in what is ostensibly Jackie’s wedding dress that Jackie wants
Kelly to wear (although she didn’t mention it for Kelly’s last wedding…
and even though, of COURSE, Donna’s already doing sketches of a Much Better
Dress, despite the fact that she’s been sooooo busy with the web site)… a
dress that looks awfully contemporary for the mid-sixties. And LB calls and
informs Kelly that he just ordered a pizza that’s on its way to her house, and
wants to know "What’s that swishing around?" And Kelly informs him
that she’s wearing a wedding dress, and "Larry, my other fiancé, beat
you to the punch!" Cute. Why not "Brandon, my other fiancé?" So
LB offers to get Kelly some more wine (which makes three wine references in one
show) before they coo their "I love you"s. And the doorbell rings, and
of COURSE it isn’t the pizza guy, but a brooding Dylan McKay who was
"just in the neighborhood." Right. And he stares, all gob-smacked, at
Kelly smugly preening and prancing and twisting the knife by asking "What
do you think?" in a wedding gown. And Dylan, of course, pained to the core
of his being, has to rasp about how it’s "the second time I’ve seen you
wearing a wedding dress to marry someone else." And Kelly chides
"Maybe this time you’ll stay for the wedding!" And I’m surprised
they’re actually acknowledging that Kelly was supposed to get married before.
And Dylan ONCE AGAIN has to rasp "Matt’s the lucky guy." Is this,
like, a daily thing until LB leaves? And anyway, Dylan refuses to come in and
rasps at Kelly that "you look beautiful" and leaves Kelly there on the
porch in a wedding gown pouting her rosebud lips.
I can hardly stand the dramatic intensity…. If only the next three episodes
can be as exciting as this one….
And, based on the next week’s scenes, Donna and Davy are already all over
each other (which I guess makes sense if they’re going to reunite, declare
love, decide to get married, and plan the wedding in, what, 14 days?) and, check
out the plot twist, now DYLAN is the one "choosing"…. Boy. I can’t
I’ve been mulling over the show’s Final Episode. I mean, of COURSE we
know about the Barbie Dreamhouse Wedding. Of COURSE we know that Kelly and Dylan
will declare their lurve for each other after Kelly catches the bouquet and
Dylan catches the garter. But what else might happen…? Like Val coming back to
1) announce that she and Brandon are getting married or 2) she’s buying back
the PPAD. Or Ohndrea and Jesse having "worked things out" and are
having another kid. Or Noah sailing off into the sunset. Or Stevie going to work
for his Daddy in full capacity after he and Janet sell The Beat (although if
Janet’s pregnant at the show’s finale, I’ll hunt her down and kill her)….
Anyway, the best (IMHO) Unexpected Season Finale Prediction wins this week’s
prize package. Knock yerselves out, guys!
Dwanollah thinks Brandon and Andrea woud make a TOTALLY
Kute coupel or maybe Brandon and Valerie she always did love
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