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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:SEPTEMBER 15, 1999:
"Letís Eat Cake"
SEPTEMBER 15, 1999

Where to start...?

First off, the Good Stuff.... Had way-kewl evening with Gustave, Ari, Sars and Tricia, sucking down an oh-so-appropriate pot of cheese in honor of the show, and I can confirm that they do indeed rock as much in person as on the Boards. Thanks again for coming over, guys!

On to the show... the poor, old, tired, boring, tedious show that we still somehow feel compelled to watch even after the constant barrage of disappointments that have made up the last few seasons specifically and have colored most of the show overall and furthermore show no sign of letting up in this the tenth season.

Ah, Dylan, former alcoholic. Once again, we are beat senseless with Dylan, former alcoholic, and his penchant for cold brew, this time in the form of telling Davy to "buy me a beer sometime." However! Thankgodfully (tm xix), after bitching about it all last season, someone (Suddenly Lucy - where did she come from anyway?!) FINALLY POINTED OUT THE FACT THAT DYLAN DRINKING BEER ALL THE TIME IS A MAJOR MISNOMER AND WANTED TO KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENED TO AA!!

This Janet's Breasts = fuh-nee bit was, in fact, so utterly tasteless that I actually felt a crawly sensation under my skin. How many times did the camera have to pan down and linger on her cups runnething over? How many times did we have to be treated to Skeevy Stevie leering and ogling and drooling as if he'd never seen a pair before in his life. Plus, why was he drawing his friends' penisy attention to Janet's chestal region for opinions and discussion... I mean, would you really want your FRIENDS checking out your girlfriend's breasts?!

Which leads me to this whole fuckingly stupid pregnancy thing. Okay, so, Skeevy Stevie would notice that Janet's breast seem bigger, but wouldn't notice, say, her being nauseous or exhausted 23 out of 24 hours in a day for three months? I mean, maybe Janet had the Miracle First Trimester, but I was pregnant for all of 6 weeks, and was sick all the time and had no energy and basically felt like death.

I also like how Janet, like Kelly, is having a "this baby."

What about Janet's parents? Aren't her Ultra-Conservative parents going to be a mite upset that she's having a baby out of wedlock?

And speaking of that, what was up with Donna gushing "congratulations!" when Janet announced she was "having [Steve's] baby." I suppose it's because Janet, now moving into the Spineless Women Compound, has made her transition to Hillster Doormat complete by the very act of birthing the first Baby Hillster. Sort of like how the Queen Mother isn't royal by birth, but by virtue of the fact that she birthed a royal offspring. Or something. (Oh, and Janet moving into Claire's room makes the Janet = Asian Claire morph complete.) And how lurvely how Donna followed it up with the Typical Hillster Validation that Steve and Janet are "the perfect couple!" Lemme guess, guys... they're meant to be together? They're made for each other? They're SOULMATES? Gak!

Janet, hon, if you think the father of your baby "hasn't evolved past the age of 14" (which is most succinct), then MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE HAVING A BABY WITH HIM!

Next, let me leap to my usual rant about 90210 and unprotected sex. WHY was Janet chewing Stevie out about "if they'd had condom dispensers when they were camping then [she] wouldn't be pregnant right now...?" WHAT THE FUCK? Can you, like, ABSTAIN FOR JUST ONE NIGHT?! What about, you know, hand jobs, oral sex, dry humping (repulsive though it is to think of such things in relation to Stevie)... WHAT IS WITH 90210 AND THE CHARACTERS' INABILITY TO MANAGE TO WAIT UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY HAVE BIRTH CONTROL IN ORDER TO HAVE SEX?! I mean, TMI, but if we're out of condoms, we're out of luck when it comes to intercourse. Bottom line. Which is why we have a prodigious stash of 'em! One or two nights of waiting won't kill you! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HORNY DOESNíT MEAN YOU HAVE TO BURY THE BONE THEN AND THERE! (I can't believe I actually used that phrase. Sorry!)

Stevie, your super-sensitive reactions to the news were proof of how ready to be a father you are. I liked the "you did this to me!" accusation you hurled at Janet. Yeah, Janet, you got pregnant to him! Shame! Shame on you! But my favorite was that your first reaction - whilst discussing it with your fellow Penis Boys - was the focus on the legalities and what she's gonna sucker you for, NOT THE FACT THAT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IS GOING TO COME INTO EXISTANCE AS A RESULT OF THIS AND YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME MORAL AND BIOLOGICAL RESPONSIBILITY TO THAT PERSON!

Moreover, Janet, your fucking lame-ass rationalization about waiting through the first trimester without saying anything because "there's a history of miscarriage in my family" is the most retarded, irresponsible, passive excuse for not IMMEDIATLY facing the realities of having a baby. I mean, that's the shit you hear from moronic Loveline-calling 16-year-olds to deflect responsibility and not face their problems: "I thought, you know, that I might have a miscarriage or something...." GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! This is not a pet dog or a yeast infection... THIS IS ANOTHER HUMAN BEING! I also liked the whole passive waiting-so-that-it's-too-late-because-Steve-would've-wanted-you-to-have-an-abortion tactic, because, you know, only Bad Girls and Sluts have abortions instead of, oh, I don't know, BRINGING A BABY INTO THE WORLD THAT THEY AREN'T PREPARED TO CARE FOR!?

I'm truly and deeply disappointed in you, Janet. As if sleeping with Skeevy Stevie wasn't abhorrent enough.

And speaking of the Hillsters' inability to control their raging hormones.... Why was Matt being such a patronizing jerk about Kelly not wanting to be intimate mere weeks after she was raped (and faced down and killed her rapist, no less). I mean, "it's not your problem... it's our problem." Of COURSE it's Matt's problem too! After all, HE ISN'T GETTING LAID! His penis is being neglected! GOD KNOWS THEY CAN'T PUT THEIR SEX LIFE ON HOLD FOR A LITTLE BIT WHILE KELLY WORKS OUT HAVING BEEN SEXUALLY VIOLATED!! Instead, LB's gonna rush Kelly to (what else) a quick fix support group, complete with self-help book! Insta-cure for the intimacy problem!

Oh. and he's not going to leave her because she was raped... why, that's awful white of you, Lawyer Boy! Matt's a big fat dork and he has stupid hair.

P.S. That orange thing was the most super-retarded deal ever. What's the metaphor? Lawyer Boy is a big fruit?

I also liked how the Hillster Women were in full Hillster Mode with apologizing all over the place... Donna apologized to Noah six hundred different times... Janet apologized to Stevie another six hundred times. Did Kelly apologize to Lawyer Boy for getting raped?

Um, Noah...? What boy past 7th grade wears sweatshirts like that?

Why is Gina even on this show? Her Overt Scheminess makes no sense. This dancing between David and Dylan, besides being really gross, is also just rilly lame. It is totally unfathomable that 1) Davy would still be talking to Gina at all, much less hanging out in the hotel room where Gina and Dylan are doinking, 2) Davy would still be talking to Dylan, much less hanging out in a hotel room blah blah blah fishcakes (tm Sars), 3) Gina would be hanging out alone at the PPAD while Davy does his radio show - I mean, I KNOW there're more clubs in LA than that! - 4) anyone would even consider inviting Gina, the chick who JUST MAJORLY FUCKED DAVY OVER BACKWARDS WITH A CORKSREW PIG DICK, TO DAVY'S BIRHTDAY PARTY? For that matter, why was Dylan invited? I also loved the cell phone hang up. Like Davy can't look on his caller ID and see who just called? And why didn't Kelly just call back?!.

And, it's worth reiterating, WHY were all the Hillster Boyz hanging out at Dylan's hotel together? Couldn't they just set up the Christina Aquavelva show with, I dunno, A PHONE CALL?! And why do we keep getting the fake-o Beverly Royale Hotel shot. I mean, we get the point that Dyl-head is now living in a BH Hotel!

And speaking of living in the hotel, let's jump back to Suddenly Lucy.... There's no cop anywhere on the face of the earth who would stop in the middle of taking an arrested suspect to the station in order for her to have a mini-reunion with an old hotel bud. Furthermore, how freakin' pompous was it of Dylan to confront the officer about Lucy's arrest?! And why would he then post bail for some chick he used to know way back when, and get her a lawyer [Lucy, he's not doing you any favors with the lawyer thing... I'd run!]? And we're supposed to believe that this little crumb-cake got into Wesleyan?! Yeah, and Kelly got into Columbia, too. I love Lucy's sense of ambition, too... "Maybe I'll open a restaurant just like YOU Dylan!" Yeah, 'cos not only did Dylan put years of sweat into opening the Pit and turning it into a profitable and popular eatery, but he spends so much of his time hard at work there, too. I'll bet Nat consults Dylan every step of the way when it comes to inventory and menu changes and hiring and firing..... Last, WHAT was that comment about "running for student counsel as a nihilist"?! First off, sweets, you mispronounced it. Second, in high school (or even in college) you don't run for student government as a declared candidate of any particular party. Third, if you did, you'd declare as an actual PARTY, like Democrat or Republican or Libertarian or Socialist, NOT A PHILOSOPHY! You dumb bunny. Wesleyan my ass.

I won't even comment on the Shrine to Dumb Davy in the PPAD. But doesn't Nat have anything better to do with his time? I loved how, despite the fact that Davy was late, the Hillsters were all assembled and staring at the door when he came in to shout "Surprise!" And boy, I was soooo touched by Davy's speech, which captured the rapt attention of all his Hillster friends... the "bad haircuts" bit was a definite Mediarama Shout-Out, no? And the continued tension with the Gina-Davy-Dylan thing was riveting! Gina, mackin' down on Davy, then pealing out of the PPAD lot (okay, or cruising rilly nonchalantly) followed by Davy's deeply pensive and confused reaction shot (yeah, right) kept me at the edge of my seat! And then the big confrontation with Davy and Dylie inside: Davy to Dylie: "I was just with her! Ha ha!" Dylie to Davy: "I just hope everything's okay with us!" As Donna would say, "hoo boy."

As Sars pointed out, WHY did Ersatz Mariah even have a back-up band? And I want to know why the show doesn't spend all of its money on booking mediocre top-40 acts to play the PPAD instead of, oh, maybe HIRING SOME DECENT WRITERS FOR THE SHOW?!

Looking ahead to next week: Janet, because Steve is "excited" about the baby DOES NOT MEAN HE'S GOING TO BE A "GREAT FATHER!" And Stevie, "getting married" does not = "doing the right thing." Ah, well, you're having a baby based on a spur of the moment thing... why not add another lifetime commitment to it on the spur of the moment, too? More fun for all! Way to spread the message, 90210! Idiots.

And, um, the Spineless Women kick Gina out of the house and don't trust her to live there, but will trust her to have free reign of their place of business?!

I would like to conclude by saying the whole scene with Lawyer Boy in his ill-fitting boxers and him and Stevie in matching shower sandals is going to give me nightmares for weeks. *shudder* I am thoroughly Skeeved.

Thank God we had Cheese and Chocolate to ease the pain.

Dwanollah

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