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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:DECEMBER 9, 1998:
"The Following Options"
DECEMBER 9, 1998

Why is Davy Silver suddenly Everyone’s Best Buddy? I mean, why was he hanging out with Stevie backstage at a rehersal (not even a taping) for Steve’s mommy’s show? Yeah, I know, ostensibly to get an inteview, but why? Why all of a sudden is he doing interviews anyway? Why would Davy’s mock-Loveline show want a has-been TV sitcom mom instead of, say, a *musical* act, huh? You don’t see Florence Henderson chatting up Dr. Drew and Adam, do you? Okay, well maybe, but it’s not like Davy’s show is that kind of a call-in-with-your-questions format, is it? I mean, I thought it was just requests. Davy so wishes he was hip an’ kewl. And why didn’t SOMEONE slug Davy when he started doing the Dumb Ass Davy Silver Laugh when he realized Samantha was gay. Um, Davy...? Gimme a T... gimme an A.... gimme a C... gimme a T! What’s that spell? Now, what’s that mean?

Why did Kelly apologize to Donna for not being at work ‘cos Grampa was in the hospital? It’s not like she works otherwise.

And speaking of "work".... Why is this whole "working grrlz" plot so pathetic and unrealistic, you know, like Donna and Kelly could actually handle REAL retail jobs? I mean, um... "close for lunch?" I mean, sitting there at the cash register with piles o’ Chinese food cartons eating lunch with your boyfriend? Now that’s professional. It is painfully obvious that Donna-Tori has not even the slightest clue how to work retail. I speak from experience, y'all. Donna-Tori wouldn’t last a full day on the job iffen I was her manager. I guess we’re supposed to believe that her Incredibly Stylish Clothes transcend poor salesperson skills.

Hey, and speaking of eating lunch with her boyfriend, why are Donna and Noah all of a sudden totally lovey-dovey and Noah’s no longer manic-depressive? Or wait... was Noah still being manic-depressive (or drunk?) at the bar in the PPAD? Is he over his father? Over his drinking problem?

And speaking of Noah’s drinking problem.... WHY didn’t Noah have to go through with the AA stuff? He just kinda didn’t show up, and no one cares...? Not even St. Donna?

And speaking of Noah some more, what is up with Noah trying to be all pal-like with Dylan? Why is he bounding into the garage at Davy’s house making cracks to Dylan like "It’s a sad day for German engineering" and stuff, like I was just *waiting* for Dylan "The Angry Young Man" McKay to fully go off on him.... "Don’t sit by the phone waiting" wasn’t as richly satisfying as, say, a good whap upside Noah’s stupid head with that socket wrench woulda been. WHYYYYY are they trying to pass Noah off as some Dylan-saver? This whole Dylan-Noah Are-They-Adversaries-or-Are-They-Soul-Brothers crap is STUPID and LAME!

It appears that in this episode, Kelly’s [Lack of] Fashion Sense eclipsed the usual Donna Disasters: Why does Kelly wear that black nail polish? I mean, "Vamp" was *so* eight months ago. Time to update to "Steel" or "Mint" Kelly, honey. Why did that jacket she was wearing in the hospital look just like the shag carpeting my Gramma had in the den in the 1970’s? And WHY was EVERY female on the show wearing a stupid black slit-up-the-side skirt, huh?

Why are the writers of this show so afraid of racial stereotypes that the go ‘waaaaay in the direction of Yeah Rightedness re: issues like, say, girls in gangs. Okay, I can see not having them be black, but why would they all be white girls? Not a Mexican in the bunch? When I lived in Los Angeles and San Diego, there weren’t a whole lotta all-white girl gangs. Sometimes there were a few in the predominantly Chicana ones, but really... these so-called "gang bangers" looked more like Sporty Spice fans. Puh-leeze. And why would the Sporty Spice Gang be hangin’ in Beverely Hills, huh? Unless the Now Why Should We Wear This boutique is across the "hill" in the "Valley," I find that a bit of a stretch. And why would the girl ­ who has given her name and shown her ID to Donna ­ come into the store and rip the dress right in front of her? I find that another bit of a stretch. And then why would she then come back and confess her life story to St. Donna? Like a 14-year-old girl in a gang would have such a clear understanding of the psychological dynamics of her situation, and be all apologetic about it? C’mon... in real life, she’d be flippant and defiant, and certainly wouldn’t point out sociological lacks like "after school arts & crafts" programs that were "no longer available."

And WHYYYYY, GOD, WHYYYYY do we have to be subjected to more of St. Donna "Suffer the Little Children" Martin?

Why is Lawyer Boy so freaking annoying? Oh, hell, even I can answer that question: 1) he’s a totally inconsistent character. He’s portrayed as being all "good" and "sensitive" but the few cases he’s taken are so ethically skewed.... Getting custody awarded to a abusive spouse/parent...? Why isn’t Jesse around to kick his ass, huh? 2) He illustrates the Formula 90210 Boy Character. The writers’ve tried to pass him off as all sweet ‘n innocent, like "[Oooh, Kelly, you’re so wonderful that] you make me nervous" and "Your grandpa is Mr. Perfect" (ah, what’s that supposed to mean? Somehow I didn’t hear a whole bunch o' sincerity on that one.) but he’s just a Big Fat Dork, and not in the good way. One minute he’s makin’ nicey to Kelly in the hospital waiting room, and the next he’s "cutting a deal" with another lawyer? 3) He uses total Brandonesque Penis Boy logic, like when he told Kelly that she could "be missing out on a great guy." Well, yeah, but so? The grass might be greener, so better check it out just in case? That does kinda set the stage for all the BH romances we’ve seen thus far, huh? "Better give this one a test run, just in case! 4) He’s supposed to be "cute" and "funny" but he’s really just Stupid. Hello, Lawyer Boy? The antler thing and visiting the kids in pediatrics...? Sure. Sure we’ll buy that. Stupid twit. And that comment about being frightened by the Oriental Ethnic Okay Lawyer’s tie...? Please, Lawyer Boy, if Brandon's and Steve’s ties don’t scare you, how could you be frightened by a plain stripey one, huh? I hate Lawyer Boy.

Why was the Cigarette Issue such a non-issue?

And speaking of Grampa in the hospital... why were all of Kelly’s friends showing up to visit, yet there was no sign of Mel? Why would Lawyer Boy be hanging out playing chess with Grampa, when usually someone in Intensive Care is only allowed "family only" visits?

And speaking of the hospital, what was up with the whole stupid phone call thing? Kelly: "Put the doctor on the phone." Dr.: "This is the Doctor." Like, no name? No confirmation of who you are speaking to? LIKE KELLY COULD JUST GIVE CONFIRMATION OVER THE PHONE ABOUT ENACTING GRAMPA’S LIVING WILL, JUST LIKE THAT?

And why did the Doctor look like Big Gay Al or something? And why was Dr. Big Gay Al so inconstant in his "advice"? When Grampa’s suffering, he’s all "At least he’s alive" but when Grampa’s stabilized, he’s all "the prognosis doesn’t change for someone with emphysema." Make up your mind, Dr. Big Gay Al, okay?!

Christmas with Grampa, Kel? Mebbe instead of all those Christmases you were busy playing at Casa Walsh, you shoulda been enjoying your grampa before he got sick. And, like when Kelly said she realized that she made the decision to keep Grampa alive "for me" where we supposed to be surprised? And when did Kelly have time to shop, wrap gifts and put up all the Christmas decorations, huh?

Why is this Dylan’s Car Tragedy thing so dumb? Okay, I mean, Dylan gets the car out of storage... and it’s a mess... bullet holes...dirty.... So he washes it (why didn’t Dylan "Richie Rich" McKay just take it to a car wash?) and replaces the windshields and everything’s okay... yet he freaks out when someone breaks the new windshield and THAT all of a sudden makes him flash back to Toni’s shooting...? Like the bullet holes didn’t affect him, but some drunk with a pipe does? And why did he freak out so bad over the damage to the car... he just put in a new windshield, so it’s not like he can’t do it again.

Why did Dylan put the For Sale sign on the Porsche in the garage? Who wants to break it to him that no one’s gonna see it there, and he can’t drive it with it smack in the middle of the (once again replaced) front window?

Why is Dylan Mr. Protector of the Mild and Meek, like, telling Noah and Gina not to hurt Donna, and policing the Drunk Guy at the PPAD, yet the flip side of his Rescuer Role is the Tough Guy... "Only one of us is afraid to die." Oh, Dylan, so sensitive, yet so fearless... so forceful, yet so gentle underneath it all. Poor, hurting Dylan, who is so lonely and broken that he has nightmares and wakes up screaming... he just needs the love of a good woman... he just needs a friend.... Was this Luke Perry’s idea of taking the character in new directions?

Why is this Dylan-Kelly thing so old, so very very very old? What was up with the double-meaning on a line like "You want me to push you?" with Kelly on the swings, huh Dylan? And Kelly, how did you segue into you and Dylan "are just old friends" from talking about your grampa’s imminent death? Gads, Kelly and Dylan are as passive-aggressively inconsistently wishy-washily stupid as Donna and Noah.

Why are we going to be forced to endure another Dylan McKay Battle with Drugs (and His Inner Demons)? Why are we going to be forced to endure another Dylan is Torn Between his Love for Kelly and His Desire to Get Laid by the Naughty Brunette Who Keeps Tempting Him.

Was it my imagination, or were we actually spared any Donnantics this show? Was it my imagination, or did Donna actually have a normal-looking hair moment in the beginning of the show?

Dwanollah

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