I'd like to say I've gone off the trendy teen poo music kick
that I've been on for the last, oh, 3 YEARS
I've actually, um, just pretty much just switched continents
and found a 30-something "teen" to glom on to. Yes,
I am currently obsessedpitifully soby the new
Kylie Minogue album Fever. Uh huh. Come Into My [Extremely
Pathetic] World, why doncha?
Kylie doesn't have much cred in the US; if she's recognized
at all here, it's for that wretched mid-80s cover of "Locomotion"
or possibly for "I Should Be So Lucky," her
other single, before she sank into obscurity. But evidently,
the soap actress turned pop star is, like, Australia's Madonna,
and has done extremely well on UK/European pop charts for
over a decade. Who'd've known?
I got sucked in, perhaps predictably, when I saw Kylie performing
"I Can't Get You Out of My Head" on SNL. Good grief
she looked like the bitchy Blow Job Queen from high school,
a pocket-size wet dream, a soprano Samantha Fox, Britney in
her 30s, Tinkerbell Does Dallas. But. That song. That gawd
damned catchy song from hell.
Thus, I give to you, a Dwanollah Album Review.
Track 1, "More, More, More"
See the disco ball spinning? Got your roller skates and
rainbow knee-socks on? Surely Patrice Rushen recorded this
in 1978! Check it out when Kylie breaks into her Ultra Special
Patented Mondo Syllable Repetition vocal style with "Gimme
mo-o-o-o-o-o-ore!" How can someone manage to chirp, breathe,
sigh and moan the vocals simultaneously
Track 2, "Love at First Sight"
"Thought that I was goin' queasy/just havin' one of those
days, yeah/Didn't know what to do/then there was you
Has Kylie engaged Britney's lyricist? The fluffy chorus is
the best part of this song, complete, of course with Quintessential
Kylie Mondo Nonsense Syllable Repetition: "We were meant
to be as wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-one!" This song totally
could've come from Madonna's first album.
Track 3, "I Just Can't Get You out of My Head"
Fuck me, but THIS IS THE GREATEST USE OF OCTAVE SYNTH BASS
SINCE GIORGIO MORODER!! Yes! Yes! I don't care how insipid
this song is or how Porn Star Kylie sounds as she coos, "stay
I'm not ashamed! I LOVE THIS SONG! If that ain't enough, I
guarantee you will have the "la la la, la la la la la"
chorus on perpetual mental loop until you want to drive handfuls
of sixpenny nails through your skull. But in a good way.
Ooooh, Doctor, I've
got a fever
Track 4, "Fever"
This sounds like something from Olivia Newton-John's
early 80s reject pile: "So tell me
what do you
for the symptoms?" Gads, Kylie's voice
that put-on super sexxxx-kitten tone as she moans
"Ah ah ah ah aaaaahh-" Hey! Double meaning! You
know how you go to a doctor and have to open your mouth wide
and say "ahhhhhh"? Just like giving a blowjob! And
dig the rest of the Double Meaning Doctor Lyrics: "Hey
doctor just what do you diagnose/ There ain't a surgeon like
you any place in all the world/So now, shall I remove my clothes?"
What is this, a freakin' porn plot?!
Track 5, "Give it to Me"
Spin, disco ball, spin! Flash, all you strobe lights! "Give
it to Me" sounds like it could be Cameo's white second
cousin or something. When examined critically, this song is
a nothing little bit of fluff, like most of the others on
but dang, it's catchy.
Track 6, "Fragile"
A mildly catchy beat is the only decent thing about this
track. For the most part, it sounds like a Britney discard,
or perhaps something that didn't quite make the Glitter soundtrack.
The lyrics are also less overtly all Naughty Naughty Sexy
Double Meaning!!! than the previous ones, but are no less
banal. "When I think of you, I could break in two"
and "I get butterflies, water in my eyes"
Didn't I once write something like this in my 9th grade diary
Track 7, "Come Into My World"
Kylie's Kelly Tayloresque Itty Bitty Baby Talk vocals
are at their most ubiquitous on this song, and, natch, the
lyrics are packed with strokes of poetic brilliance like "I
need your love like night needs morning." But when the
chorus kicks in, I quickly realize that this is COMPLETELY
AND WHOLLY THE GREATEST SONG OF 2002! Why? 1) Disco! 2) Octave
synth bass. 3) "Na na na na na na na nana nanana
Wow! I could listen to this damned thing twenty times in a
row! Thirty! Where's the karaoke version?! "Na na na
na na na na nana nananaaaaaaaa!" Shake dat azz! Yeah!
I need this SONG like night needs morn-a-a-a-a-aaaaan'!
Track 8, "In Your Eyes"
Okay, after finally getting past the disco masterpiece that
is "Come Into My World"
. Hm. Well. This almost
sounds like it could've been a track from Mel "Sporty
Spice" C.'s solo album
if Melanie sang like a horny
chickadee, that is. Again, the disco beat is the saving grace
here. Did Kylie ever do porn? Or phone sex? Are you sure?
"Ooo ooo ooo ooo-oo-oo!"