9) Don’t fuck with traditional spellings.
Your child isn’t going to feel unique or special
if you name it BrytNee instead of Britney, or Nikkolaz
instead of Nicholas. It’s not going to understand
“I know my name SOUNDS like the six other Madisons
in my third grade class, but I’m MADYSYNNE instead,
so ha ha!” And Kam’Ronn will have a hell
of a time throughout his life consolidating misspelled
mail and bills and records.
10) Don’t give your child Wishful Thinking
names by picking random nouns/adjectives.
Plus it just sets them up for failure. Don’t
name your daughter Bliss, Unique, Charity, or Salvation.
Don’t name your son Cash, Sky, Prince or Legend.
Imagine the fun when you yell at little Serene because
she is screaming her head off at the grocery store (“Serene,
I said SHUT UP!”). Or when little Gage or Marshall
Cody wants to know WHYYYYYYYYYY he can’t have
a toy shotgun, or when little Chase is headed at a full
run for the crowded street- Heh.
Enough with super-nature-new-age-noun-names River,
Autumn, Savannah, Sierra, Wynter, and Star. Besides,
it just begs for too, too much cutesy-poo-ness….
Like from the Bad
Baby Name boards: “My girls are Summer Skies,
Autumn Night, April Shower, and Spring Flower.”
Are they children or shades from Glidden’s
Don’t name the kid Monet or Matisse to try to
show the world how cultured you are. You might as well
name it Thomas Kincade.
Naming the kid Diamond isn’t going to make her
more sparkly and precious. Naming it Major won’t
make him more important and respected. No. It won’t.
11) Don’t give the kid bad product/thing names
I feel sorry for all the little Allegras out there.
Of course their parents couldn’t know that the
lovely name that means “lively” and is dance/music
term would someday also be the name of an allergy medication.
But the folks who named their kid Cristal or Crovosier
or Lexxys or Chardonnay or Porsche or Ramses or Anacin
don’t have any excuse. Don’t you remember
how Ramona Quimby naming her doll “Chevrolet”
12) Don’t give the kid a dog/cat/goldfish name.
Tasha, Duke, Misty, Honey, Cinnamon, Princess, Queenie,
Spike, Bubbles, Ginger, Booker, Sissy, Luna, Buffy,
Bear…. No. Please. No.
Of course, I’m not sure what to make of the fact
that Max, my grandpa’s name, is now not only a
Most Trendy Baby Name, but a Most Trendy Dog Name too….
13) Don’t get pissed if people unsurprisingly
mispronounce or make fun of your kid’s unusual/creative
Sorry, dudes. Someone’s gonna call little
Leigh “Lay.” Someone’s gonna call
little Malachi “Mal-LA-chee.” If you name
the kid “Schuyler” but want it pronounced
“Skyler,” don’t be amazed that people
might think it’s “Shoo-ler” instead.
If it’s called “Karynne,” expect people
to call it “Karen,” “Kar-RINE,”
“Kary-Ann,” “Kar-REEN-nay” and,
basically, anything but “Kah-RIN.” If you
name your kid Ian but want it pronounced I-on like I-on
Zeiring’s parents did, you really have no room
to be annoyed when, for the rest of I-on’s life,
he gets called “Ian.” You asked for it in
the first place.
If your kid is named Mason, someone will inevitably
think they’re clever by joking, “As in Mason
Jar?!” If you’ve nicknamed little Dakota
“Koti,” someone will make Kotex jokes. Someone
will point out that little Kale is named after a vegetable.
Someone will sing little Gracelynne’s name to
the tune of Paul Simon’s “Graceland.”
And someone will laugh
outright at LaQuiesha, Jalaber, Aqualyna, Kryzlyannie,
Rymon, and Shawnrika.
14) Get the androgyny thing straight.
Gabriel is the male version of Gabrielle. Gabrielle
is the female version of Gabriel. So if you name your
son Gabrielle or your daughter Gabriel, you are just
asking for a lot of confusion. Expect people to think
Let’s try it again. Adrian = boy. Adrienne =
Androgynous names are not uncommon, but the same reason
why a lot of people give their children genderless names
(no assumptions made based solely on the sex of the
person with said name) is the same reason why it causes
confusion. People won’t know if Logan is male
or female, if Bailey is a boy or a girl, any more than
they were 100% clear on Terry, Chris or Robin in the
80s. So expect confusion if you have little Morgan,
Satchel, Riley, or Shae.
And double ditto if you deliberately name your daughter
Noah or your son Montana.
15) Remember, overly pretentious names are as laughable
as overly creative names.
Designer baby names won’t make you sound more
upper crust. Think about “Grayer” in The
Nanny Diaries; that’s SARCASM, not a “pretty
name!” I still remember a neighbor family, the
(ahem) Barringtons, who named their daughters Slone
and Merritt. Ooooh, how posh! Then there were the Callahans,
who had Cami, Romi, and Tori. Crikey. Make that “criki”….
Calling your kid – boy or girl – something
like Hunter or Langley or Tamberlaine or Devon or Cassidy
is not going to make you suddenly the classiest person
at the PTA meeting any more than your Lexus mini-van
or diamond tennis bracelet will. In fact, it’ll
prolly make you sound pretty freakin’ déclassé,
16) Careful with cute names
Imagine… in about 65 years, all the rest homes
will be filled with elderly folks named Mackenzie and
Savannah and Jaden and Rhiannon. Your lisping 6-year-old
might be an adorable Rory, but how is he (or she, I
guess) going to feel at age 60? Ditto for little Kylie;
sure, her Baby
Beauty Queen career will be smashing, but what about
when she’s “Great-Aunt Kylie”?
Same goes for cute combos, either for one kid, or multiple
kids. Like MaKenna Dance, or Chasey-Mae, or Brayden
Bryce, or Lexxa Grace. Sure, it’s just precious
in preschool, but can you imagine anyone with these
names functioning in the adult world? Or like the co-worker
of a friend who has two kids: Lucas and Leia. Like the
twins named Paris and London. The novelty wears off
RILLY quickly, and these poor kids are left with a lifetime
of explaining that, yes, their parents were dorks, and
not in a good way, either.
17) And there are some things that just WON’T
Many names have associations that are nearly impossible
to overcome. Would you name your kid Adolf? Morticia?
Lucifer? Electra? Judas? Cinderella? Huh?
Some names might overcome the associations….
I mean, I hope Roseanne won’t ALWAYS be associated
with a snarky housewife who’s had too much plastic
surgery, and Morris won’t ALWAYS be a cat from
a commercial. But if you name your kid something like
Lolita or Scarlet or Kermit or Casper, you’re
just asking for stupid comments.
Although, I suppose none of those names are anywhere
near as offensive as the co-worker of O Nancy My Nancy
who named her daughter JonBenét….
18) Rationalizing it with logical fallacies doesn’t
People naturally get quite pissy when one implies
that “Precious Angel” or “Jonavan
Casen” might be, oh, a touch excessive or silly
for a child’s name. They start spouting defensive
nonsense. “And we wouldn’t change him/her
for the world!” No one’s questioning the
kid’s existence. “And s/he’s very
proud of her/his name!” Can a kid really be proud
of his or her name? “Everyone we’ve talked
to says they love our son’s/daughter’s beautiful
name!” Sure. That’s just what they say to
your face. “S/He’s never been picked on
for her name!” Wanna bet? “We wanted to
pick out a special, unique name for our new little angel!”
So you 1) picked the same trendy names as ten million
other Americans, 2) you’ve messed up normal names
beyond recognition, or 3) you’ve named it Special
Unique, which is just laughable. Names don’t make
people unique… their qualities and characters
Anyway, those aren’t the points.
“It’s my child and I have a right to name
it whatever I want!” Okay.
Sure, a person has every right to name their Sprog
whatever they want. But that also means I got every
right to laugh at it. And I will. Oh yes. I will!