"How unbelievably awful." - The 90210 Rants

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These WHY Lists and Rants originally appeared at Mediarama. Minor HTML boo-boos and typos have been corrected since their original publication.

Season Ten: My tongue and my ego rage out of control.

May 10, 2000: The Last Rant. Donna thinks David doesn't love her Like That. Kelly thinks Dylan is dead, but no such luck. Camille gets bilked—nicely!—out of her share of the clothing store. Janet and Stevie continue to behave like a pre-1960 married couple as they discuss their job options. Dwanollah psychoanalyzes like crazy and thanks God for her release from bondage…. 

April 26, 2000: Kelly makes a token attempt at contemplating moving to Seattle with Bran- um, Matt. Donna and David make a token attempt at not immediately getting back together mere hours after he dumped Camille. Stevie makes a token attempt at being a stay-at-home father. Janet makes a token attempt at being something other than her husband's Creature. Dylan makes no attempt whatsoever to not put pressure on Kelly. Dwanollah complains some more about dysfunctional relationships, wedding b.s. and fatherhood stereotypes.

April 19, 2000: Camille models. David gets mad and dumps her. LawyerBoy lies to Kelly about his one-nighter. Steve invests thousands of dollars that he never told Janet he had. Maddie/y needs new parents. Donna's web designer is madly in love with her. Donna's web site is launched. Dwanollah rants about all the web page inconsistencies, amongst other stupid things: namely, 90210.

April 4, 2000: Donna and Co. plan a website for her clothing store. Donna dates her web designer. LawyerBoy acts guilty about his one-nighter. Kelly wants to start wedding-planning. Noah mumbles a lot and continues to Save his Other Alcoholic. Stevie and Janet have bunny hijinx. Dwanollah has several fits about date-rape and the general relationship stereotypes perpetuated by 90210.

March 22, 2000: Dylan and LawyerBoy incorporate several past 90210 plots on their "road trip." So does Noah when he Saves an Other Alcoholic. Stevie is the Sausage King. Donna is single. Camille and David are horny. Dwanollah is disgusted.

March 15, 2000 LaweryBoy Matt defends a comedian. Davy supposedly gets a job offer in New York. For some reason, Ryan Sanders is still around. Maddy cries a lot. Jack McKay is the stupidest Protected Witness in the WPP. Kelly's busy playing "Highway to Heaven" at Dylan, so Dwanollah takes over Kelly's PR job... and counts up recycled plots too. 

March 8, 2000: Dylan and Kelly and LawyerBoy track down Dylan's dad. Donna keeps saving Noah. Spawn of Satan Ryan Sanders makes an appearance. And God help us, Tori Spelling directs this masterpiece. In Dwanollah's mind, everything refers to Duran Duran, because that's the only way she can deal with an episode as bad as this one. 

March 1, 2000: Dylan discovers his father isn't dead after all. After a one-show dating hiatus for the death of her daddy, Donna has a blind date. Noah gets drunk and mumbles a lot, and Donna feels compelled to save him.. Kelly supposedly does PR work for Pia and writes a speech for a political candidate. Dwanollah bitches about it.

Feb 16, 2000: Doc's dead, so everyone has to laud, hail and magnify Donna. Kelly takes a PR job with Pia. LB's car gets repo'd. Dylan [ostensibly] stops running away. Gina is totally pathetic. Dwanollah is unmoved.   

Feb 9, 2000: The stupidest kidnapping in history. Donna, Kelly and LawyerBoy go on a fake almost-newlywed game show for Valentine's Day. Davy and Camille are dating. Gina is all pathetic at Doc Martin. Doc drops dead. Dwanollah yammers about VD and craves the Death of Noah.

Jan 26, 2000: LawyerBoy's Brother comes to visit and asks LB to impregnate his wife for him. Kelly is a selfish bitch. Gidget's Niece and Gidget's Niece's Brother get mad at Dylan and Noah for their missing drugs. Gina half-way saves a Fat Other Boy. Donna makes friends with fashion-writer Camille Desmond and dates some clothing buyer guy. Davy just sort of hangs around and then goes on a date with Camille. Noah gets in trouble for doinking the nanny. The nanny gets in trouble for not remembering doinking Steve. Dwanollah deconstructs Hillster symbolism and complains about overpopulation and her Dumb Dad. 

Jan 19, 2000: LawyerBoy, despite being grounded, takes on a case for a Poor Mexican Other. Dylan continues to treat Gina like crap and Gina continues to take it. Noah and Dylan are still partying with Gidget's Niece and Gidget's Niece's Brother. Kelly sort of quits "work." Donna dates a Headhunter. Davy dates a lawyer named Chrissy. Janet hires a nanny. Noah doinks the nanny. Steve remembers he doinked the nanny back in college. Dwanollah bitches about the fact that stupidity and inconsistency reign all over Hillsterland. 

Jan 12, 2000: Size matters for Kelly and LawyerBoy and, accordingly, LB gets grounded for blowing his client's retainer on Kelly's ring. Gina is pathetic. Donna dates a Coffee Guy. Noah and Dylan party with Gidget's Niece and Gidget's Niece's Brother. Baby Maddy gets baptized. 

Dec 22, 1999: Andrew the Gay Other shows up once more as Dylan plays Jesus at the Po' Black Chilluns' Center. Janet's parents are big meanies. Gina prostrates herself to the Martin family. Donna questions The Truth and gets fully dumped by Noah. LawyerBoy unethically squanders a client's retainer on an engagement ring for Kelly. Dwanollah gets twelve plumbers plumbing for Christmas.

Dec 15, 1999: Just in time for Christmas next week, Baby Magg- um, Maddy comes home and several Hillsters goon over wanting to breed. Kelly and Dylan shop for art and stuff turkey together. Donna and Gina forge sisterly ties. Donna kind of dumps Noah because he didn't really go to Harvard. Dwanollah rants about relationship stereotypes and game playing, working retail during Christmas, and tallies up Totally Inane Comments.

Nov 17, 1999: Janet and Steve have a partial honeymoon before having a premie baby. Gina has scheming plans, Kelly and LawyerBoy have relationship angst, Donna has a shit-fit when she finds out that her daddy had an affair with her aunt and is, in fact, Gina's father. Dwanollah rants about cheating spouses and homophobic idiots, amongst other things.

Nov 10, 1999: Steve and Janet send the Hillster Gang on a scavenger hunt which ends at their wedding. Davy and Kelly and Gina are too involved in Mel and Jackie's marital woes. Dylan preaches to a Gay Other. Dwanollah  rants at length about "soulmates" and the sex industry, respectively. 

Nov 4, 1999: After a brief vacation, Dwanollah returns to discover that the writers of 90210, in their greatest rip-off ever, have turned the PPAD into a strip club. Davy continues to pretend he's Adam Carolla, and dates some so-called "performance artist." Donna is obsessed with a Dead Homeless Other. Stevie sells his penis- I mean, his Corvette. Steve and Janet ask Kelly and Dylan to be their unborn child's godparents. LawyerBoy defends a criminal on Death Row. And, accordingly, Dwanollah rants about capital punishment.

Sept 29, 1999: Hillster Couples promote all sorts of problematic relationship stereotypes as Janet and Stevie decide whether or not to marry. Davy tries to be Adam Carolla. Gina tries to be Valerie. Dylan tries to be Jesus. LawyerBoy's latest client is a woman with two kids who wants a divorce- wait, she changed her mind! Dwanollah goes off the deep end ranting about irresponsible sex, irresponsible parenthood and irresponsible marriage. 

Sept 22, 1999: Donna and Co. miraculously whip up not one but TWO menswear lines for her Big Fashion Show. Gina schemes and flails. Pia the PR Person makes her first of way too many stops at the Zip and makes her first miraculous offer to Kelly of Big New Job. Dylan miraculously gets back into college. And Steve and Janet should be strung up by their thumbs for their sexist generalities and methods of "handling" their pending parenthood. Dwanollah suffers from a head cold, among other things.   

Sep 15, 1999: Second show of the season. Janet and Stevie, knocked up thanks to irresponsible sex, act like teen-aged morons with no thought to consequence. With LawyerBoy Matt's help, Kelly tries to "get through" being raped. Dylan saves a Drugged Other. Gina, Davy and Dylan form a Bizarre Love Triangle. The Gang has a birthday party for Davy at the PPAD. Dwanollah hosts her first New York fondue party.

Season Nine: Sporadic and incomplete WHYning and ranting. 

May 5, 1999: Dylan runs from his demons. Donna crushes on some so-called male model. Gina regurgitates. Dr. Silver poo-poos doctor-patient confidentiality. David makes like he's a nice guy and cares. Stevie and Janet do some stupid computer match-making. Kelly gets raped... again.

Apr 21, 1999: David dates a sex addict. St. Donna reunites Noah with his long-lost sister. Dylan and Stevie rescue some pregnant lady who just got mugged. Kelly and Dylan and Gina and LawyerBoy Matt continue to have one big dysfunctional relationship. Dwanollah continues to flail on lengthy commentary because the show sucks so much. 

Jan 21, 1999: Stevie goes to Losers Court. Dylan struggles with his demons; that makes him oh-so-attractive to pathetic Gina that she decides to Save him. Kelly, naturally, gets jealous. Donna and Noah doink all over her childhood home while her parents are out of town. And they have a Hillster Only birthday party for LawyerBoy Matt there in between sick-making rutting scenes.

Jan 13, 1999: Skeevy Stevie Sanders engages in Gross Sexism for Fun and Profit. Dylan is supposedly distraught that Toni's grave has been moved, and thus feels compelled to buy a gun and do more drugs. Kelly and Matt doink. Donna mugs, goons and twitters. Gina kisses Felice's Gucci-clad ass.

Dec 16, 1998: Dylan whisks Kelly off to Mexico for a doink/drug fix. Donna tries to save the gangsta grrrl. Gina tries to Scheme against Donna and flails. The PPAD hosts a Christmas dance marathon. Steve is a dork.

Dec 9, 1998: Kelly's Grandpa materializes out of nowhere... and dies. Steve's mom materializes out of nowhere as a lesbian. Donna encounters a gangsta grrrl. Matt has a legal and ethical dilemma, which means he also has a Kelly dilemma. Dylan and Noah are passed off as sort-of-compatriots for one brief show. Dylan has Car Angst.

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