Ironically, I get to begin this weekís Rant with another
Pluming Story ≠ well, that is, itís related to plumbing in
a roundabout way. See, the Super notified us that today, Wednesday
the 12, they were going to have to shut off the water in order
to do repairs on the hot water tank or somesuch, so there
would be no hot water available from 8am to 6pm, and all residents
needed to adjust their showering schedule accordingly. And
I, trying to get out of the sluglike slump Iíve been in, set
the alarm for six so I could shower and get to work early
on finishing my PhD apps (that deadline of the 15th
fast approaching). But Iíve been in the habit of sleeping
until 8:30-9ish, shame on me, and by 7 this morning, I was
freshly showered. . . but dozing on the couch with the morning
news on in the background because I was still tired. And,
in my haze, an "entertainment report" filters into
my consciousness. On one of the local stations, an anchor
chirps merrily that it looks at though that FOX TV stalwart
Beverly Hills, 90210 will be back for one more season!
In fact, all of the cast members are eager to sign on for
the next season. . . except Brian Austen Green. And Iím actually
burying my face in the sofa pillows and groaning "Oh,
God, NO!" in agony by the time the newscaster concludes
her story with the tidbit that theyíre supposedly filming
six shows to be aired over the summer, God help us all if it's true.
Do you think this is our fault? Is this board, inadvertently, somehow
contributing to a misguided belief somewhere out there that thereís an
audience that WANTS this mess to continue? (I refuse to believe that there might
actually BE an audience that wants the show to continue.) Ah, well, writers and
producers, since I know this is one of your primary concerns, yes, yes, I am
committed to seeing the show through to the
bitter-as-four-day-old-coffee-grounds end, and if you all come back, then it is
my duty to keep on keepiní on with the Rants as well. But you owe me, big
However, the possibility of yet another (useless, pointless, senseless)
season ≠ especially if it is without that Mac Daddy David Silver ≠ puts a
crimp in my long-expected show conclusion in its Donna Ďn Davy Barbie
Dreamhouse Wedding (with the reunited Kelly and Dylan as maid of honor and best
man, preparing their own Lifelong Commitment) Glory. I mean, what could the
writers possibly do with another season, unless itís just the continued
never-ending malarkey (thanks, Gram, for a most effective word) about these
Hillster Dream Couples trying to get together and stay together. . . in which
case I will have to invest in a padded wall against which to bang my head.
What if... God help us ... what if Jason "Legal Woes" Priestly
comes back to earn some feeeelthy dinero to cover all of his drunk driving fines
and insurance fees? Seriously. I mean, Iíve never heeded the "I heard
Brindaís gonna come back/make a guest appearance" rumors all these many
years, but the somewhat likely possibility of JP returning unto 90210 is too
frightening to consider. . . because then, when the season ends with Kelly and
Dylan getting back together, Brandon would come back and Kelly would be all
conflicted about who she really loves and who she chooses this time and-
No, no, Iím scaring myself. JP was emphatic about leaving the show when he
did. Surely, if God is just and merciful, we wonít be subjected to this.
Anyway. So if the projected Donna/David wedding might not happen, what else
would the writers do with Season Eleven? Hmmmm....
- Donna and Kelly, two single working women (bwa!) living in a posh LA beach
house, decide to rent out the extra bedroom. They take on a new roommate
because a friend of a co-worker or someone knows of a person ≠ named
Billie or Joey or Sam or Chris ≠ who needs a place, and impulsively, Donna
and Kelly okay it. Of course, hijinx ensue when the new roommate turns out
to be a guy. Who, right around sweeps, will fall passionately in love with
Donna. Kelly, of course, having bid sayanora to LawyerBoy, will spend
the whole season [still] attempting to reconcile with Dylan.
- Kelly and Dylan get back together and shack up at the Royale, leaving
Donna alone in the beach house. In a sudden financial disaster, Doc and
Felice lose all their money and are left flat broke. Donna, who is making a
nice living with her mongo-popular clothing designs, lets them come live
with her in the beach house until they "get back on their feet."
- Casa Walsh burns down. Steve and Janet and Maddy are left homeless. They
have to move into the basement at the Sosnasí house, where hijinx ensue
when there are all sorts of fuh-nee culture-clashes between Steve and Janetís
father and Janet struggles to assert her independence at a mother in the
face of her own motherís interference. Steve and Janet, of course, realize
that children are the greatest gift from God, and Janet gets knocked up
again before the yearís over.
- The Peach Pit/PPAD burns down. The Remaining Hillsters, with a few
emotional token appearances from Nat, have to not only find a new means of
income, but a whole new place to hang out. Stevie, using his Frat-Boy party
planning prowess, turns the Beat around by making the office into an all-new
totally hip club. Hijinx ensue when Janet and Steve decide to run the paper
out of Casa Walsh, juggling home and work life in uncomfortably close
- Donna, if denied a Dream Wedding with Davy, is instead (of course) offered
a high-paying, high-prestige job as a designer in New York, with offices/a
studio on 7th Avenue and a trendy shop with a killer live/work loft above it
in SoHo. [In fact, Donna and Davyíllíve gotten engaged and, a la
Kelly and Brandon, decided not to go through with it because of Donnaís
job offer and, at the alter, Davy altruistically "sets Donna free to
follow her dream."] Since the Hillsters are all such good friends and
love each other so much and stick together and all that, they (sans Davy)
decide to ALL go to New York, and move en masse. Hijinx ensue as they settle
into New York life and make all sorts of ground-breaking discoveries. . .
like that people are "so rude" or "always in a hurry" or
that the city is "so dirty" in comparison to LA. Kelly, accosted
by an agent while hailing a cab, ultimately returns to modeling. Dylan buys
a Madison Avenue brownstone that he decorates with pretensions contemporary
art, and starts wheeling and dealing in Real Estate ("The Dylan"
in the making).
- Someone ≠ prolly Kelly, or maybe Steve or Dylan ≠ after a whole bunch
of soul-searching about "what Iím doing with my life" and
"meaningful work" and all that, goes back to West Bev as a
teacher, paving the way for a whole new gang of Hillsters. It matters not
that Whoever isnít qualified to teach and doesnít have a teaching
certificate. . . West Bev NEEEEDS them! Hijinx ensue as Whoever deals with
the new breed of teenagers and all of their problems, but, by the end of the
year, have done so much to save the school that when Mrs. Teasley announces
her retirement, Said Hillster can step right in to take her place as school
principal. And then we get another 10 seasons with the "new" gang
at West Bev, presided over by Said Hillster.
Hang on ≠ I have to go beat my aforementioned head against that
aforementioned wall. . . .
So, tonightís show.
You know, itís gotten to the point where the shows have been SO boring that
I actually get anxious while watching, wondering if Iím going to have anything
to write about afterwards other than the usual why is everyone so freaking
dysfunctional?! stuff. Luckily, this week provided some extraordinarily
special shout-outs as well as all-new levels of Kelly Taylor ME!ME!ME!ness.
Why was there no mention of New Yearís Eve? No party at the PPAD? No
Millennium Hijinx? Did Steve and Janet have that big romantic getaway where they
used up all the Y2K supplies Stevie was stocking up on six months ago?
So we start off with Mark the Coffee Guy who is not only providing free
beverages to Donna, but also TO ALL OF HER FRIENDS . . . BECAUSE HE LIKES HER SO
MUCH! Of COUSE he does! How could anyone not like Donna?
I actually thought through the first half of the show that he was retarded. I
mean seriously, I thought he was supposed to be, like, a "slow" person
who would babble in Lenny-talk about how beautiful Donna was and how much he
liked her and finally Donna, in her Sweetness and Light, would benignly bestow
the noblesse oblige of a date on this hapless retard, thus making his
But Iím getting off track. So. Gina, again working for Lawyer Boy (with all
the messy details of her Restoration worked out in the interim of the last three
weeks), must really be necessary to LBís fledgling practice because, instead
of sending out those masses of bills that Mr. White Bread later tries to
collect, Gina instead can devote time to figuring out how much theyíre
saving on coffee.... In fact, Gina is actually startled enough to declare
"Oh, you want me to work?" in surprise when LawyerBoy is promulgating
on about his legal/financial woes. . . which, again, is a kind of blanket
statement on the lives and times of Hillsters in general.
Then thereís the whole WTF aspect of
making ABSOLUTELY SURE that We the TV Viewers know that Matt spent $14,300 on
Kellyís Bazooka Engagement Ring with a diamond as big as the Ritz (KELLY
TAYLOR WANTS THAT!).... As Gina said, "that was stupid!" Word, sistah.
So at the completely superfluous PPAD, some chick who looks like Wayneís
girlfriend Casssandra from Wayneís World but is actually Gidgetís
niece is trying to woo Dylan "The Funk Soul Brother" McKay because,
like Donna, heís so hot and irresistible and people are just drawn to him.
Yeah. And then Noah and Donna have some deep, philosophical discussion of their
"happiness" (yeah right) before Noah goes to party with some friends
whom itís never clear exactly who they are, how they know each other, and why
Noahís hanging out with them in the first place (except for the typical
"bad crowd" reasons makes up the wide and divergent range of reactions
when a Hillster Boy and Hillster Girl break up ≠ that is, the boy hangs with a
bad crowd, sometimes having meaningless sex with one of the associated Trollops,
while the girl dates other guys and hangs out spilling her guts all over her
girlfriends before both Boy and Girl either [usually] realize they just arenít
happy without each other or [occasionally] the Boy runs off to make a life for
himself somewhere else. Yeah, whatever).
So then Donna goes to hang with Kelly, whoís nursing her usual glass of
wine. And Kelly starts scamming on guys for Donna and spies some Whatever Dude with
a girl at the bar and, in her eternal wisdom, starts listing all of the
qualities that are most important in a Cute Boy and making intelligent and
insightful conclusions about his potential as a date for Donna: "Nice
shirt... expensive shoes... maybe a doctor or a lawyer" (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS
THAT!).... First of all, it was a butt-ugly shirt. Second of all, isnít it
hard to tell at that distance how expensive his shoes are? Third of all, there
are plenty of other financially successful professionals in the work force,
Kelly, but of course "maybe a VP of a computer company" or "he
must own his own marketing business " just doesnít have the same stereotypical
punch, now, does it? Fourth of all, as Kelly should know firsthand, Lawyer does
not necessarily = Major Moolah. And fifth, as long as Iím speculating about
conclusions that Kelly should know firsthand, why didnít she say "maybe
inherited big bucks from his dead father"? And sixth, other than Immediate
Hillsters, do Doctors and Lawyers regularly hang out at dance club/bars like the
PPAD? I mean, most of the non-Hillster variety actually WORK all the time.
Why is the PPAD in such a weird state of limbo? I mean, it appears that theyíve
tried to make the club "grow up" along with the Hillsters themselves,
maturing from a wildínícrazy college kid dance club to a martini-serving
twentysomething hangout, just as the Hillsters have supposedly gone from young,
irresponsible high-schoolers to semi-independent college students to
now-successful adults. But, in both cases, the changes are not quite fully
panned out nor particularly convincing, but just sort of half-heartedly
scraggling along without much explanation or real development. Someone sell the
PPAD already! Sheesh.
And after Kelly tries to tempt Donna with the joys of Mercenary Dating,
Donna, in the first truly spectacular shout-out of the evening, announces that
sheís not interested in picking up boys because sheís happily single!
God bless America, Donnaís been listening to us! I know this because she
follows it up with the second truly spectacular shout-out: "Iíve
realized that every time Iím with somebody I always end up doing what they
want, taking care of their needs" which she immediately qualifies with
Quintessential Donna Backbone (yeah, uh-huh) by tossing in "itís not
their fault itís mine" (yeah, yeah, we know) before continuing with the
third truly spectacular shout-out, that now sheís going to "take care
of myself. . . well, Iím starting to at least." And I had to rewind
and watch that bit like three times because I kept laughing so hard and missing
yet the next Important Donna Declaration taken almost word-for-word from my many
complaints about HillsterGrrl Subservience in Relationships. [This sort of
self-importance should only qualify me to critique Kellyís self-importance.]
But Donnaís so-called independence is going to have to wait, because itís
time for a Kelly Taylor ME!fest! Appropriately enough, Dylan the Alcoholic sends
Kelly and Donna a bottle of champagne to "celebrate Kellyís
engagement" that actually happened over three weeks ago, so I guess this is
the first time anyoneís been to the PPAD since Christmas. So Dylanís
toasting Kelly, who, with selfless concern, wonders to Donna if "heís
really happy for me." And Donna takes the self-sacrifice angle by hoping
that Dylan "loves [Kelly] enough to let [her] go." Yeah. And Kelly
tries to look all concerned about Dylan but sheís probably really just getting
off on wondering if Dylanís going to be skulking in the bushes at her second
wedding bursting with unrequited love for her. But the Kellypalooza ainít over
So then we get the incessant opening credits that leave me wondering HOW MANY
PRODUCERS work on one episode?
And then weíre back to Kelly as she sails into the Peach Pit and...
orders... a coffee ... to go. WHY would Kelly go to THE PEACH PIT to
order A CUP OF COFFEE? I mean, I KNOW thereíre places like Noahís Bagels and
JambaJuice and the illimitable mass of Starbuckses ON EVERY FREAKING BLOCK OF
EVERY MAIN STREET OF LOS ANGELES, but no, Kelly has to make her token appearance
at the Peach Pit so Nat can make HIS token appearance serving her (and Dylan).
And Kelly picks right up where she left off ME!ing with Donna by reacting to
Dylanís angst with characteristic charitablity, smugly rubbing Dylanís
creased face in the fact that "Matt and I announced our engagement"
under the guise of being concerned about other things. And then Kelly and Dylan
have this absolutely pointless and unfathomable conversation about the baptism
and whether or not Dylanís going to take it seriously. And Dylanís so manic
about no-heís-not-going-heís-going-to-eat-his-breakfast to yes-címon-whatíre-you-waiting-for-letís-go
that I canít figure out if the writers want us to think that heís just
deeply upset about Kellyís pending nuptials or overwhelmed about becoming
Maddyís godfather or if theyíre setting up the Dylan-goes-nuts storyline in
which he finally just snaps and rampages all over the PPAD with a gun. So after
making such a big deal about wanting to stay to eat his breakfast, Dylan, um,
eats only THE ORANGE GARNISH before stomping off. Why didnít he pay? Why didnít
he at least take a piece of bacon or toast with him if eating breakfast was such
a big deal? Who eats the orange garnish, anyway?
Next, for some reason, Davy is (I guess) Donnaís new model. And either
Donna canít be trusted with strange models after the whole Wayne incident, or
else the show is setting the precedent for Donna doinking her models so if Davy
= model, then that means Donna and Davy will be reuniting ≠ and doinking ≠
soon. But Iíd like to think that the whole Davy-wearing-fitted-clothes is
merely a shout-out to how many times weíve all bashed on his Hefty bag
wardrobe. Yeah, letís go with that. Shout out count: 4.
So Davy "Lonely Hearts Club" Silver is offering Donna free advice
on dating and love. I guess because his radio show has magically disappeared, he
has all this free time to sit around Now Whore This giving Donna the benefit of
his wisdom. Whatever. So he seems to think that Donna needs to be going out with
Mark the Coffee Guy because Mark the Coffee Guy likes Donna so much. But from
the looks of things, Mark the Coffee Guy is, like, flirting with two other
Coffee Customers while this conversation is going on. Truly spectacular shout-out number five happens when Donna declares "I donít feel like
dating right now" and (albeit halfheartedly) reiterates all of the
things she now has time to do and the interests she can now pursue, such as (bwa!)
creating a new menís line of sweaters. Yeah. So while Donna measures Davyís
16-incher (his NECK, people! His NECK!), Davy continues to lecture her and, in
the process, scores himself tonightís prize for The Stupidest Thing Uttered In
The Entire Episode by making the insightful observance that: "Thatís
why women run the planet. Youíre like bears, you just hibernate for months at
a time. Even years." And then he goes on to babble that "Women
have all the power. You can pass up a great guy and just wait forever."
Alright, Davy, sit down here. Good. Now. Take out your notebook and pen and
please copy the following definition: Hibernate: v. To spend the
winter in an inactive sleeplike state. Got that? Okay, now, emphatically,
Donna is not HIBERNATING, you doofus, sheís LIVING! Gawd. If she was at home
on the sofa, hair unwashed, wearing the same sweats for five days straight,
watching daytime TV and not answering the phone, then I think you might have
reason to be concerned that she might be hibernating. Next, if your argument is
correct, being inactive = power. Inactive = run the planet. See, on the surface
it sounds like youíre cutely admitting that women are better than men, but the
subtext of your Deep and Meaningful Statements is that women are kinda inactive
controllers and men have no self control whatsoever which provides a lovely
visual of a woman sitting, bored, on her butt dangling a bone ("throw him a
bone," Davy urges Donna later) over a man who bears startling resemblance
to a hyper little doggie leaping rabidly at the bait, frothing and snapping . . . .
And furthermore, why is Davy harping on Donna dating WHEN HE IS, IN FACT, SINGLE
HIMSELF RIGHT NOW?! Yes, once again, Iíd like to congratulate 90210 for
providing respectful and non-generalized views of men, women and relationships.
So after this Moronicacy (tm me), Donna rebuts with truly spectacular
shout-out number six, announcing that sheís not going to "miss out"
on anything, and just wants to "wait a few weeks or a month or
two." I mean, how many times have I complained that Hillster Grrls are
rarely ≠ if ever ≠ more than a few weeks w/out a Boyfriend? Donnaís hip
with all aspects of the Relationship Complaints Iíve blathered and yammered on
and on about in previous Rants, innít she? Well, so I like to think.
Hey, why were there SO MANY CAVERN SHOTS this episode? Grody, grody to the
So then we go to the church for, um, the baptism "rehearsal."
Hello? Is there such a thing as baptism rehearsals? I mean, I can see if
it was a huge Catholic ceremony, but it was another Exclusive Hillster Event. .
. . Which, in fact, brings up the question of WHY the baptism was private
instead of part of a church service. . . I mean, the whole POINT of baptism, at
least at the (Lutheran) church I was active in until I was out of high school,
was to welcome the infant INTO THE CONGREGATION. It was important that the
congregation, "the church family," be there to witness the baptism and
make its own commitment to take part in the childís spiritual growth. It
usually went: 1) The parents formally present the child to the church (i.e. the
naming, asserting the "Christian name", marks the childís induction
into the church) and commit themselves to the childís spiritual life. 2) The
godparents commit themselves to the childís spiritual life. 3) The church
family rises and commits itself to the childís spiritual life. Baptism isnít
about trips to Ojai! For Peteís sake, why werenít the Sosnas there, at
least?! And that whole hokum about Janet. . . HANDING THE BABY TO DYLAN to hand
to the priest?! Yeah. Uh-huh. Thatís part of a baptism ceremony. Right.
Why didnít God strike Dylan with a lightning bolt when he started coping
his Ďtude in church. . . and to the Pastor? But itís okay if heís an
asshole because, as Kelly said, "heís sorry I think." Stand by
your man, Kelly. Yeah. Go girl. And then Kelly goes full-steam into Me!Me!Me!
mode by announcing to Janet, Steve and the Pastor that "This is about me,
me being engaged, me committing to Matt." Aw, Kelly, tell us what you
REALLY think. Jayzus. Iím surprised that Kelly doesnít own headgear that
depicts all the planets of the solar system revolving around her. You know, just
in case we DIDNíT get it. And then thereís the whole blither with PodJanet
and SuddenlyTryingToBeNonSkeevyStevie fretting about if Dylanís "gonna do
this, gonna commit to this, he said he would." Guys? Why donít you just
FIND ANOTHER GODFATHER ALREADY?!
This whole Dylan bizness reminds me of one of my favorite parables. I think
itís Middle Eastern, but it might be African. Anyway. Once upon a time, there
was a girl who went to town to do the marketing for her family. As she was
walking along the road, she came to an area that was filled with a large puddle.
A snake was in front of the puddle, unable to get through or across or around
it. The girl was a little afraid when she saw the snake, but it smiled
charmingly at her, talked about the weather, complemented the girlís dress and
told the girl how he instantly knew she was a good and beautiful person, yadda
yadda. [Incidentally, the "yadda yadda" bit isnít part of the
original text.] And then he said "Would you please carry me across this
puddle?" And the girl said "Youíve got to be kidding. I canít pick
you up! Youíre a snake ≠ youíll bite me and Iíll be poisoned and
die!" And the snake said "Iíd never do anything like that, I
promise! Please, I have to get across this puddle to get home to my
family." And the girl said "Iím sorry, but I canít pick you up.
Youíre a snake. Youíll bite me." And the snake said "Of COURSE I
wonít bite you! Honest! Why would I bite you if youíre nice enough to carry
me across this puddle?" And the girl chews her lip and frets and the snake
urges one more time "Trust me. . . Iíd never hurt someone who was being
kind to me. I just need your help to get across this puddle. I canít do it
without you." And so the girl relents and says "Okay, Iíll carry you
across. Climb on up." And the snake crawls up her arm and hangs on while
she carries it to the other side. But just as they get there, the snake bares
his fangs and bites into her arm before dropping down to the ground. The girl
canít believe it, and, as the poison slowly does its work, she chokes out
"But you promised you wouldnít bite me!" And the snake laughs and
says "Hey, babe, you knew what I was when you picked me up!"
The moral of this story? Itís in a snakeís nature to bite. So donít be
surprised if you pick one up and it bites you, regardless of what it tells you.
I donít need to explain further how this relates to Dyl-head supposedly
upsetting his friends, do I?
So then we get the stupidity of LawyerBoy not, erm, sending out actual BILLS
for his services but instead calling up each of his clients to tell them to pay
up. Hey, LawyerBoy? Why donít you have GINA do that? Isnít that part of her
job? And then heís showing his love and respect for Kelly, who comes doinging
all afroth with honeymoon plans and starts flinging brochures about Tahiti at
LawyerBoy, by basically glossing over Kellyís feelings and Ginaís actions
with the comment that "I know Ginaís hurt you and your family but I think
sheís sorry," to which Kelly snips "not sorry enough." Why didnít
she say that in regards to Dylanís boorish behavior at the church earlier,
huh? I guess winning Kellyís approval depends on how sorry or not sorry she
thinks you are for stuff youíve done. But Kelly has better things to think
about than Gina because she goes off on her Big Plans for the honeymoon, which
she magnanimously says "is [LawyerBoy]ís honeymoon too" . . . but
two seconds later we see Kellyís true colors shininí through as she gets
pissily incredulous that LawyerBoy would "want me to go to South Dakota on
my honeymoon?!" And then, in truly spectacular shout-out number seven,
Kelly protests that "I just wanted it to be perfect!" And I
refuse to be goading into another Rant about Kellyís Wedding and Honeymoon
Hedonism and the whole Perfect Wedding crap and all of that. I just hope that
LawyerBoy can tell Kelly about "their moment" on, well, on a momentís
notice, or else there might be some trouble in Hillstaí Paradize. Hey, Kelly?
Quit nattering about the stupid honeymoon and GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS TO WORK! After
all, itís been at least SIX WEEKS since you last worked a shift, hasnít it?
WHY did we have to see "body shots" again? And why was Gidgetís
nieceís BROTHER settiní her up for Noah to maul? Eyeeew. And Noah gets the
runner-up award for The Stupidest Thing Uttered In The Entire Episode when he
mumbles "Tastes like strawberries." At least, I think thatís
what he said. I didnít have the stomach to watch that bit more than once to be
And Gina was annoying me this episode again, particularly in this whole
begging-Dylan-for-money-to-bail-LawyerBoy-out-of-trouble shtick. I mean, yeah,
on the surface I get that sheís got all this Ulterior Motive to make Dylie
jealous about "this guy whoís been nice to me" and relishes the
opportunity to mess up Kellyís engagement . . . but youíd think that, if sheís
still so hot for Dylie, wouldnít she instead be glad that Kellyís
"taken" and supposedly out of the way? Why would she do something that
might result in Kelly being "available" to get back together with Dyl-head?
And then there was the whole whateverness of Dylanís martyred sigh as he says
"cash or check." Iím sorry, but I find it hard to believe that Dylan
would just hand Gina fifteen grand. I find it hard to believe that ANYONE would
just hand ANYONE ELSE fifteen grand. But Dylanís just so angst-ridden and,
deep down Ďneath it all is really generous and trying to do the right thing
and wants to help Gina- Bah. And then Gina neeners on about how "mean"
baptism is, with people making promises they never keep. Like, okay, Gina,
welcome to life, hon, and GET OVER IT! Gawd. And once Gina has Dylanís check
in her mitts, she delivers her stinging coup de maÓtre, informing Dylan
that heís a "sham" and from afar he looks like such a catch because
heís "cute . . . rich . . . generous" (which Iím sure compensates
for his foul personality and brutish selfishness) but up close heís "a
bastard." I just want to know why Gina isnít afraid that mebbe Dylan
might, like, stop payment on the check now.
And after the too-long fade on Dylanís Big Fat Creased Forehead, thereís
a commercial for that new show Malcolm in the Middle, which is hailed by
one critic as rescuing a "laugh deprived season." I guess that critic
hasnít been watching 90210.
And back in 90210land, itís yet another game of Musical Houses as Noah
makes his move from Dysfunction Junction to Davyís Pad. Why is it all of these
people have slept with each other/each otherís girlfriends/boyfriends andíve
totally been at each otherís throats one episode, then are all hanging out and
even being roommates the next? Davy was ready to rip of Noahís head and shit
down his neck when he raped Valerie or was going through his drinking phase. . .
and Noah was ready to give Davy an enema with a fire extinguisher when Davy was
going through HIS drinking phase. . . and now Davyís letting Noah just crash
≠ with a cast of drunken friends ≠ at his place? Personally, I canít see
any reason why ANYONE except mebbe Donna and Kelly should even be talking
to each other, much less living together.
Why did we once again get the ‹berMacho Eating Scene with Davy and Noah
slurping coffee and orange juice and chomping cereal? Barbarians. Why is Noah
supposedly now all ethical and moral about diving whilst intoxicated?
"Driving was not an option"? I mean, too little too late, lunkhead.
And why didnít Gidgetís niece and Gidgetís nieceís brother wake up with
all of the yammering and clumping and all that going on?
Now, on to LawyerBoyís bag of oranges.... For those who might not be
familiar with this particular LA Practice, let me shed some background light on
the supposed guy at Melrose and Fairfax. . . . See, whereas here in New York
thereíre people that make a living wandering through subway cars selling
electric razors and batteries and stuff out of their jackets, in LA thereíre
people that make a living posed at the end of freeway offramps or busy intersections, hawking
(usually) flowers and/or bags of oranges. Sometimes other produce, like potatoes
or apples. Sometimes newspapers. Thereís some guy who plays the sax at one of
the offramps and, legend has it, makes so much money at it that people claim
theyíve seen him driving a Lexus or walking into a huge house or that he
supports his wife and three kids this way. Anyway, so LawyerBoy wants to bring
Kelly a guilt-flower... but had to settle for oranges (whatís up with the
oranges on this episode anyway? Does this go back to Kellyís post-rape
passing-the-orange game from earlier this season?) because thatís what the
person at Melrose and Fairfax was selling? LawyerBoy, if you really wanted to
impress Kelly, why didnít you MAKE AN EFFORT TO STOP AT ONE OF THE TEN MILLION
CONROY FLOWERS... or any given grocery store (most of them are either open 24
hours or open at 6am), or even the freakiní 7-11, and get a flower? Or if you
wanted to be cute, do something cute that would take an effort, like "I
stopped at the donut shop and got you this portable coffee travel cup" or
"Look, all seven flavors of bubble-gum from the Mini-Mart" or
something? And then we get Kelly at her rosebud-lipped backboneless best as she
whimpers all apologetically that Mt. Rushmore is okay with her and then
pathetically queries "Why do I feel like something terribleís about to
happen and you know what it is but you wonít tell me?" Kellycakes, thatís
exactly how I feel right around 7:59 on Wednesday nights when the "and
coming up on Beverly Hills, 90210" teaser comes on. Plus itís
really obvious that you and LawyerBoy have a relationship built on trust and
respect, that healthy communication is the cornerstone. You stupid girl. Itís
like that big, honkiní diamond ring is the glass slipper and youíre one of
the stepsisters willing to cut off toes and heels and whatever else it takes to
make it fit! (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!)
So then LawyerBoy chugs upstairs, somehow managing to peel an orange with one
hand in 15 steps. And Gina refers to him as being "a superhero," which
Iím tempted to take as a shout-out: Denser than a loaf of white bread! Lamer
than a legless dog! Able to blow 15K on his selfish, surface-oriented,
materialistic girlfriend in a single bound! Itís a dolt! Itís a moron! Itís
LAWYER BOY! And thereís the whole whateverness of Gina magically providing him
$15,000 either 1) because she really wants to help him Ďcos heís SUCH a NICE
GUY or 2) because itís a really convoluted scheme for Dylan to find out that
LawyerBoy blew it with Kellyís ring is just rilly unfathomable. And, after the
whole Gina-asking-Dylan-for-money scene and her basically living off him
(because thereís NO way sheís making more than a couple hundred bucks a
month working for LawyerBoy) at the hotel for months, thereís no way I can
take her "you and I are the only two people in this town who appreciate a
dollar" blather seriously. Plus Mr. Vest Boy blowing all that money on a
ring for Kelly kinda contradicts that argument as well.
If the retainer issue is such a major ethical issue, why wasnít there any
mention LAST episode about the fact that LawyerBoy was spending money that wasnít
really his on Kellyís Mongoid ring? Why wasnít there any buildup of
conflict, a scene of LawyerBoy biting his lip as he considers whether or not to
do it, a scene of LawyerBoy shopping for rings within his "budget" and
then spying the Big Huge Ring that he just HAS to get for Kelly because, as the
salesperson will pressure, "itís a reflection of his commitment" or
"make two months last forever" or whatever and then LawyerBoy touches
the check in his pocket or something and rashly says "Iíll take
Anyway, then Poor Insecure Gina prostrates herself in front of LawyerBoy,
basically telling him that sheís trying to buy his endorsement of her because
he "could say ĎNo matter what people say about you Gina youíre really
not such a horrible bitch.í" And then Mr. Kellywhipped pretty much kicks
Gina in the teeth by responding with pointed unreassurance only "Thank
you" leaving Gina all consternated and pathetical and addlepated.
And downstairs at Now Scare This, Donnaís trying to convince Gina to wear
some ruffly peasant blouse to the baptism. I didnít know that you needed to
buy new trendy outfits to wear to baptisms, but, obviously, from the rehearsal,
this isnít like most baptisms, so maybe showing up in skimpy peasant blouses
is part of Special Hillster Baptisms, like, honoring Maddyís spiritual life
with fine raiment. . . or no-so-fine raiment. And then we get Ginaís Victim
Blather Du Jour as she whines about being unable to handle the baptism because
"our" father is also Ginaís godfather blah blah blah whinecakes. I
mean, gosh dang it all, does everyone have to be getting over/dealing with some
emotional tragedy that either is their crutch for destructive behavior or ≠
Oh. Wait. Iíve done the "Professional Victim" rant before, silly me.
So whatís up with more homoeroticism with Davy gloating that Mark the
Coffee Guy gave him a "free mocha with extra whipcream (sic)" and he
makes that "throw him a bone" remark and then bounds off for a
"refill" with his shirt all unbuttoned ...? But before that, we get
shout-out number eight with Davyís emphatically itchy sweater that causes him
to scratch and deedle with a vigor unlike anything Iíve seen before. And then
itís truly spectacular shout-out number nine when Donna, Donnanticing on and
on, remarks that the contemporary dating scene is horrible "even if you
know what youíre doing, which from my past track record I obviously donít."
And no sooner do I wonder where the Real Donna is than she reassuringly tacks on
that "present company" (nťe Davy) is the exception, whereas I think
that a more accurate statement would be that present company is more like the
root of all evil. And Donna, why would you worry that maybe Mark the Coffee Guy
or any other potential date might do something gross like "lick his lips
before he kisses," huh? I mean, if youíve kissed Noah and Davy and Ray,
so your benchmark canít be very high, can it? And then in truly spectacular
shout-out number ten, Donna asserts that in relationships, "you gotta
move on." [As I railed in 11/10ís edition: "CAN ANYONE ON THIS
SHOW EVER LET GO OF AN OLD RELATIONSHIP!? I mean, WHO REALLY LIVES LIKE THAT?
Breaking up = The End!"]
So, after Donna-Davy Donnantics about Donnaís Dating Desirability, why did
Donna leave her store unattended. . . with customers inside (you could see them
when the scene opened) . . . to go do her femme fatal routine on Mark the Coffee
Guy, which included Doing Comedy, mugging, posing against the counter and smelling
the scones?! Ugh. Isnít there anything ≠ like chemicals, therapy,
physical restraints ≠ that could get her to stop?
And Dyl-head and Steviekins prove that male friendships can be just as
dysfunctional as the usual male-female Hillster Relationships as Stevie whines
to Dylie about whether or not Dylieís really committed to this godfather thing
and the whole emphasis on "lifelong responsibility" can either be
taken as truly spectacular shout-out number eleven in regards to my numerous
parenting rants, or as a sign that Dylan and Kelly are- Right. You know where Iím
going. Anyway. So. Why has Dylan been. . . reading BOOKS on godparenting? Do
such things exist? Could there be more than one?
Why? Why? Why why why why why did we have to endure Donna Donnanticing all
over the place on her First Date with Mark the Coffee Guy? I mean, it was
PAINFUL to watch. Who acts like this in real life? Why, no matter how nervous
you might be on a first date, would you. . . talk about your friendís bras? Or
any bras? Or Matt Damon? Gawd, Donna, DONíT DRINK ANY MORE COFFEE! I fear weíd
have to peal you off the ceiling if you get any more jittery. And after watching
and re-watching this scene, I can only speculate why Donna later tells Davy that
Mark the Coffee Guy "got really quiet"... I mean, he didnít seem
like the life of the party before the coffee remark.
Why is it the PPAD seems to be the scene of all of the most Yeah Right scenes
of the show? I mean, what was up with Dylan admonishing LawyerBoy "You
coulda come to me" about needing to borrow money. . .? Whaa? Letís go
back to that bit about Davy and Noah and me not understanding why weíre
supposed to believe these people are friends. Okay, now double it. And then The
Stay-Puff Marshmallow Lawyer gets all Dicky and delivers a coup d'ťtat
of his own about how "Kellyís waiting for me. . . donít you just miss
saying that?" I mean, the only thing he DIDNíT say was the requisite pop
catch phrase "Ouch! Thatís gotta hurt!" afterwards. And, btw, why
does LB keep emphatically calling Kelly "my girlfriend" instead of
And as a result of this altercation, Poor, Hurting Dylan is so angst-ridden
that he has to go fuck Gidgetís horny niece. Who, in keeping with Hillster
tradition, has already been with Noah.
Kudos to Mr. Bhaer who provided the credo that the Hillsters ought to adopt
and live by: "What you did was wrong. And I resent you trying to make me
understand why you did it." It makes sense if you think about it, honest.
And LawyerBoy has no comeback because his shirt collar is too tight and buttoned
Shift back into MEEEE! Mode, because Kelly Taylor is in front of a jewelry
store hissing and spitting when Dylie finally manages to show up. How much MORE
of a total and complete loser asshole can Dylan be? I mean, yeah, weíre
supposed to feel sorry for him because the writers are telling us clearly that
this behavior isnít HIS fault, heís just hurting so much with unrequited
love for Kelly that is MAKES him be a butthead so heís not REALLY being rude,
selfish, nasty and immature, heís REALLY being loving, caring, concerned and
generous! (Writers: "What you did was wrong. And I resent you trying to
make me understand why you did it.") And, saturated in ME!ness, Kelly wants
to know whatís bothering sweet lilí Dylie more, "that I made a decision
or that itís permanent," like, ease down, Kelly! Itís just a silver
comb-and-mirror set! And if youíre making not-so-oblique references to your
engagement and pending marriage, well, after your non-wedding wedding with
Brandon, that "itís a permanent decision" isnít gonna swing much
weight. So Dylan gets all canoodled and booblechequed and storms back into the
store with the comb-and-mirror set to demand that they return it, like,
ASSHOLE?! And the poor salesperson has to grovel and scrape to him while Kelly
sniffs and puckers up her glossy lilí strawberry candy lips in agitation. And
THEN we get a truly loving and respectful interlude when Dylan starts badgering
Kelly about her ring and making remarks like he thinks "a plain gold
band" would be more appropriate "especially on Mattís salary"
and OBVIOUSLY Dylan knows NOTHING about women in general or Kelly in particular
because WHO CARES what your groom can AFFORD as long as you get that great, big,
super-expensive diamond (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!) to flash and flaunt and goon
over. Otherwise, your love is, like, nothing. I can think of many a crappy
relationship thatís been validated by the presence of a mammoth colossal
gigantia diamond on the third finger of your left hand. Like my cousin whoís been on-again off-again with this absolute BUTTWIPE of a
boy (and has two of her three children by him, not counting her child by her
h.s.b.f. or his child with his first wife-) who lies to her and cheats on her
constantly and steals money and doesnít work (hey, sounds like Davy) and theyíve
been kicked out of two apartments for late rent and had two new cars repossessed
and are routinely having crises with utilities or the phone getting turned off
because someone (gee) spent the money for the bill on buying drinks at his
favorite hangout, the bar at Applebeeís, or went skiing when he was supposed
to be going on a job interview. But when they got married (to the protests of
everyone in our family and everyone in their neighborhood) when she was seven
months pregnant, she went out to the jewelry store at the mall and charged
herself a huge, gawdy, chintzy diamond ring and matching diamond-studded wedding
ring because, somehow, that solidified or consecrated their union and she could
hold her head (or hand) high despite the essential shittiness of their marriage
because she had a big ring that was bigger than her sisterís and many of her
friendsí diamond rings. Or like an ex-friend of mine who was emphatic that she
would not accept anything less than a carat-and-a-half ≠ but preferred a
two-carat ≠ diamond ring from her significant other because smaller rings just
would not do enough to reflect his love for her, so at the appointed time, the
boyfriend had to go into debt to buy her a great big diamond and she made it a
point of telling everyone how much it cost him, too. "Can you believe he
spent almost ____ thousand dollars on it?!" I mean, WHO CARES!? Was it
given with love and joy? Or the girls (friends of my cousins, incidentally) who
wrinkled up their noses at the antique sapphire ring The Husband-Type Man and I
picked out together, exclaiming "you mean... itís used?" and
"why didnít you get a diamond? Engagement rings are supposed to be
diamonds!" which shows that they really have their hearts in the right
And speaking of hearts being in the right place, Kelly responds to Dylanís
critique of her Big Fat Diamond by sniping "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN THIS
FOR ME!" like, GOD FORBID someone tries to dim the sun in Kelly Taylorís
shiny happy world. Why, if Kelly Taylor is happy, then EVERYONE should be happy!
But before We the TV Viewers can catch our breath from this particular gem,
Dylan rebuts with what is easily the most truly spectacular shout-out of the
whole show, and mebbe one of the top three shout-outs of all time, number
twelve: "In some PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WAY Iím trying to help you!" To
which Kelly sulks and pouts and mentally tries to calculate how many times the
words "passive-aggressive" have been used on the Mediarama boards in
connections with Hillsters, which means sheís going to be standing there in
the jewelry shop for a long, long time.
And then thereís the nonsense with Davy loitering around Nowhere This
because he doesnít even make the effort of working at a car wash, even, but
would rather discuss Donnaís date with her and whine because Mark the Coffee
Guy had the nerve to CHARGE him a whole buck ninety five for his iced tea, which
sends Donna off into a twittering panic about what she did wrong to upset Mark
the Coffee Guy. And so she launches into her Donnanticing Reminiscences about
Mark the Coffee Guy "getting really quiet" and I have to point out
that Donna must be as self-involved as Kelly to notíve noticed that Mark the
Coffee Guy has pretty much been NOTHING BUT quiet for the entire duration of
this whole stupid plot. And THEN Donna hits on the brilliant possibility that
Mark the Coffee Guy must be totally upset because she mentioned ≠ in truly
spectacular shout-out number thirteen ≠ men with receeding hairlines. I
mean, come on, Mark the Coffee Guy has WAY more hair on top than Skeevy Stevie.
Or Dylan. And in the meantime, Davyís mourning the real loss. . . the loss of
free coffee. Wanker.
So back at Casa Non-Walsh (which, I guess means that he still lives there
with the Sanders family) LawyerBoyís making a sandwich on WHEAT BREAD, and
Kelly comes in, her angelic blue eyes wide with concern, because of this
possible discrepancy with "my engagement ring" and she blinks her big
doe eyes at LawyerBoy with glossy-puckered-lipped earnestness, wanting to know
"is that a problem?" when she hears about the clientís $$$ financing
her ring, looking all angst-ridden at the though of having to give up her
precious gazoomba diamond. And LawyerBoy admits ≠ with a most Brandon-like
"heh heh heh" that "the money wasnít mine after all."
Cute, LawyerBoy. Cute AND mature. So then Kelly rises to the bait by wrenching
off the ring to return to LawyerBoy, and LawyerBoy protests because "this
ring is from me... the promise to wear it forever is from you" and I had to
rewind that bit SEVEN TIMES before I could decipher what LawyerBoy was saying,
because it sounded like "this ring is from me... you promised to wear it
forever... is from you," which, obviously, didnít make sense. But neither
does the fact that Gina and Dylan are all involved in "my engagement
ring" or the fact that LawyerBoy even HAS a legal practice based on the way
he conducts business on a regular basis despite his sudden concern with
"ethics." And Kelly, of course, "want(s) to help you... please
let me" because thatís what Kelly Taylor does best: making outrageous
demands, then retracting them and making like a jellyfish in front of the Man
And then Donna, behaving like a ten-year-old, has to gallumph over to Mark
the Coffee Guyís coffee stand to babble her nonsense about finding bald men
sexy. And, based on this scene, I think Mark the Coffee Guy is just the guy for
Donna because he mugs and overdramatizes and basically Does Uncomedic Comedy
left and right and up and down all over the place as he sticks his hands and
face in his box of coffee beans and chastises Donna for not appreciating the
fact that he had to live off tortillas and beans for seven months to provide her
with this superb blend. Um. There are so many things that could be said about
this. So many. And I donít know whatís giving me the creeps more, Mark the
Coffee Guyís masterbatory rites over his coffee beans and geno-generalities
about South American cultures and people, or Donnaís bugging out her eyes and
quirking her over-lined lips and "wiff"ing before she does that icky
hootchie-cootchie mama Donna Stomp off into the sunset.
So. Why is Noah suddenly all buddy-buddy with Dylan, buddy-buddy enough that
he shows up drunk with a passel of other drunks and sluts to "party"
at Dylanís hotel room, first presenting Gidgetís niece ≠ who parties with
her brother on a regular basis, it seems ≠ as, like, a gift or something.
Mebbe next time, Noah should bring a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine
instead. And then the elevator partying muzak starts up as Gina arrives to
continue her Victim Blather Du Jour about promises that people never keep, and
how her godfather let her down and her insecurity about Dylan and Kelly doing
something for her, but of course Dylan could "change [Madelineís] life...
or maybe she could change yours." Yeah, yeah, and a little child shall lead
them. Break out the Wordsworth, guys, itís time for the Beautiful Child being
the Father of Man yet again. So we know that two weeks as a godfather is going
to make Dylan realize that what he wants most is the responsibility of a family
of his own, to make a difference in his own childís life, the way Jack never
did with him. And, naturally, the one to make a family with is Kelly (KELLY
TAYLOR WANTS THAT!). Like we canít see this one coming a trillion miles away.
So Gina presents Dylan with a cross to give Maddy, representing the act that all
Hillster Women perform for their Hillster Men, and Dylan sighs and rolls his
eyes around and wonkies his eyebrows and does Twisty Head and looks Tragical
before going back to party with Gidgetís niece and her brother Shane and (in a
gutteral voice) "Georges."
So then LawyerBoy does a particularly Brandonesque move by, in the guise of
taking responsibility for his actions, using a formal/serious platform of some
kind to deliver mouthy rejoinders in that "the best defense is a good
offense" tradition, snapping to Mr. Bhaer that his check is good "how
Ďbout because I hocked my girlfriendís engagement ring to get the
money." And first of, why is he again saying "girlfriend" instead
of fiancťe? I guess next week we can look forward to Kelly being all concerned
about the same fact, and whining to Donna and wondering if itís a sign that
maybe Stupid Vest Boy doesnít really want to marry her. And second, after such
a poignant and moving statement, I wonder why Mr. Bhaer doesnít just break
down in tears and apologize to LawyerBoy and give him back the money to go get
Kellyís ring. And then the Punishing Woman in charge tells LawyerBoy heís
going to be suspended for thirty days "to make an example" of him, to
which he protests that he might lose his business if that happens. Donít
worry, Mr. Wonder Bread, you can always go work for Donna. Or Dylan. Or
something. And besides, as Gina, Davy, Kelly, Steve and Janet all clearly
illustrate, you donít have to actually WORK in 90210Land to live. You can have
a house and a car and fancy accouterments and trips and clothes and babies and
all that without haviní to sweat for it.
And then Donna has to go back ONE MORE TIME, again leaving her store open and
unattended, to try to get Mark the Coffee Guy to forgive her her trespasses.
Mark the Coffee Guy, naturally, is SO upset over Donnaís lack of appreciation
for his coffee beans that heís going to leave this store and work at his other
locations. And Donna tries to kiss butt saying "I didnít know business
was going that well." And Mark the Coffee Guy gets all pissy and says
"I know this might come as a shock to you-" and I though he was going
to finish "but some of us actually WORK" but no, he says "some
people actually LIKE my coffee." And he continues that Donna isnít
"enthusiastic" about his coffee and Donna over-dramatizes that she
"can be enthusiastic about it!" First of all, why does Donna care so
much? Itís not like sheís made any mention about having had a really good
time with Mark the Coffee Guy or really enjoying his company, or even thinking
he was cute... itís merely that heís upset with her. Break the cycle, Donna!
And why is Mark the Coffee Guy so freakiní stuck on his coffee? Compensation?
Substitution? I hope Davy never asked him for cream in his coffee. . . . So
anyway, Donna Donnantics and Does Comedy and is charming and blithers on and on
about "enthusiasm is my strong suit" (yeah. Uh-huh. Whatever. He said
"enthusiasm" Donna, not "rabidity." Calm down.) because we
all know Donna is just so bright and loving and fun to be with and happy and
never wants to hurt anyone. And Mark stands up and smiles and looks kinda cute,
even. . . but he suddenly becomes The Most Desirable Guy in Hillsterland when,
upon spying Davy swaggering, hands in pockets, into Donnaís store dressed in,
um, a sweater, Mark bursts into hysterical laughter, and yodels "What
the HELL is David wearing?!" in truly spectacular shout-out number
fourteen. And by the time Mark adds "he looks like a MUPPET!" Iím,
like, not only ready to drink this guyís coffee, Iím ready to eat tortillas
and beans for seven months with him. Unfortunately, Mark doesnít continue on
in Airplane! mode with "and where did you get those shoes,
oh, and that coat, geez !" or something, but
calls Donna a "fashion maven." Yeah. I think you mean
"craven," Mark. And poor Donna sulks and chastises Mark for making fun
of her designs and he says "Iíll call you?" and Donna huffs
"Whatever" in a salute to all Mediaramans everywhere before stomping
back to the store dressed in an animal-print jacket that I think I owned back in
1989. And Markís smile at the end of this scene, as he shakes his head in
disbelief of Donnaís hiddy fashion sense, was a lovely thing indeed.
So, ah, why did Donna show up to the plaza where her store is, go talk to
Mark, then... leave for the baptism 1) without locking/closing the store and/or
2) even bothering to go into the store in the first place? Who was at the store
before Donna? Or did she just leave the door wide open all night so that her
creations would be available to the public at any time of the night?
At the Beverly Royale With Cheese Hotel Noah is waking the dead and
announcing that for breakfast his "man" Shane Oliver is going to
"snort whatís in this glass. . . if the price is right." And Shane
holds up a bottle (not a glass) of liquid. Do people actually snort liquid? So
Dylan is "out" of this bet because heís holding Maddyís cross and
seeing the light and all that, so Noah holds Shane Oliverís hand as Shane
prepares to snort for money.
So itís time for the sacrament of Maddyís baptism into the Church of
Hillster. And Donnaís got her bra straps all hanging out and her boobage
hanging out in church, which is really tacky. And speaking of inappropriate, I
just have to comment AGAIN on how lame it is that the baptism is only attended
by the coupleís friends and not any of their family members. I mean,
have Rush and Samantha even SEEN their grandchild? Have the monkey-twins met
their niece? What a crock. Anyway, Stevieís pacing and Janetís saying
"Dylanís irresponsible we knew that this is our own fault" in
full-on Asian Claire bitch-mode, even down to the Whatever Face (tm xix). But
who cares about Mommy and Daddy Sandersí angst when you could be focused on
Kelly, huh?! So Kellyís petting LawyerBoyís hand and telling him "weíre
gonna get through this" which I would like to nominate as being Overused
Hillster Platitude Numero Uno, folks. FíGawdís sake, every couple is ALWAYS
trying to get through SOMETHING. . . especially when one-half of the couple is
Kelly "Drama Queen" Taylor.
And LawyerBoy must have some serious issues working, because he actually and
seriously says what is now the All-New Stupidest Thing Uttered In The Entire
Episode: "But a ring this small is embarrassing" and Kelly
protests because she doesnít want to rock the precarious boat balanced on the
edge of a cliff with a sheer drop of several thousand feet that is her
relationship with Matt and then Matt stupidly continues that the ring is "supposed
to be a public declaration of our commitment and when people look at this they
should see nothing but our love for each other" but when they look at
this ring "they also see my screw-up" like WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
The WEDDING CEREMONY is the public declaration of your commitment, you meathead!
Just because a couple can afford to spend bigbucks on a huge diamond DOES NOT
MEAN THEY ARE DECLARING MORE COMMITTMENT TO EACH OTHER OR LOVE EACH OTHER MORE
OR ARE MORE SUCCESSFUL AS HUMAN BEINGS! I mean, Iím guessing that Donald Trump
got Marla Maples a pretty hefty rock, and that Jim Carrey put a big olí
diamond on Lauren Hollyís hand and Michael Jackson surely got Debbie ≠ and
Lisa Marie, for that matter ≠ an expensive ring, so, WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?
LawyerGump and Mrs. KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT prolly also think that they have to
have seventeen different kinds of hors díoureves and a full orchestra and
orchids flown in from Hawaii or else their wedding wouldnít be declaring their
love for each other either, God help us all! And Kelly and Matt make sorrowful
deprecating faces over Kellyís new, smaller-scale diamond, like, WHY DIDNíT
THEY JUST WAIT AND BUY THE RING LATER IF GETTING A DIAMOND RING THE SIZE OF AN
AIRCRAFT CARRIER IS SO FREAKINí IMPORTANT TO THEM?!
Actually, I think, based on their mutual lameness and surface-orientation to
the extreme, Kelly and LawyerBoy are just PERFECT for each other!
And then Gina scurries in, also late in the extreme, but no one cares about
her. And if she just came in, um, wouldnít sheíve seen Dyl-head arriving
three seconds behind her and couldnít sheíve then told Stevie "itís
okay, heís here"? Why didnít they drive over from the Royale together?
And then Dylan swoops in and announces all dramatically "Anybody need a
godfather?" And Iím wondering if at this very moment, thereíre guys
takiní out Noah and Nat and anyone else who might be in Dylanís way. And
instead of breaking into cheers and applause, Stevie stomps over and says
"You know, swooping in at the last minute really worked in high school but
it doesnít work here." Actually, Stevie, it never really WORKED, per se,
in high school, but you guys all bought it. And Dylie pulls his wide-eyed
innocent shit by claiming that Steve "wanted me to think about it and Iíve
thought about it and Iím still here Iím here for you if you want me."
Um, Dyl? I think they meant for you "think about it" over the last few
months, not overnight, not to mention shaving time off the actual baptism
ceremony to come to your Enlightenment.
Why did Davy have his arm around Donna?
And then Stevie grabs Dyl-rod by the lapels and urges "Hold her tight...
she likes that" and Iím kind of expecting that Dylan will then reach down
for Stevieís penis.
But then Maddy starts crying because she must know what sheís in for.
Sure enough, Dylan wants to "say a few words" in which he babbles
about how he wasnít "first choice" for godfather because his
"record with some of the women in this room is a little less than
stellar" which, causes Kelly and Gina to make faces at each other. And
first of all, thatís a pretty inappropriate thing to say for a babyís
baptism, unless Dylanís planning on having sex and/or a screwed-up love-hate
relationship with Maddy, and, actually, second of all, is only referring to two
of the four women ≠ and two of the eight people ≠ there at that time...
unless thereíve been things happening with Dylie and Donna and Janet that we
donít know about. And third of all, Dylanís been "less than
stellar" with the GUYS in the room, too, so mebbe he should apologize to
them while heís at it. But he has a "clean slate" with Madeline,
whom he calls "this little lady" in a patronizing tone (much like Nat
refers to Kelly in the Rewritten Brandon and Kelly Wedding LWOOE Episode from last
year) ≠ like, yeah, an unsoiled napkin for you to wipe your ass with, Dylnoid≠
and he promises to "be there" for her. And we all know what Dylanís
promises are worth, donít we? Then he makes the Presentation of Ginaís
necklace, that was given to him "by a little girl [which should tell us how
he sees Gina] who never had a godfather." But, actually, Gina HAD a
godfather... that was the problem: her so-called godfather was actually her
father. But Gina beams and everyoneís hearts sing and leap for joy and Janet,
holding her doll, looks incredulous and happily accepts this most generous gift.
Why was there an organist for this rinky-dink private baptism?
So then Janet presents her doll, "Madeline Susna [sic] Sanders,"
and Dylan, much like he did with Hannah Rose back on that far-off Christmas day,
takes the doll Janet hands him and coos and marvels at the miracle of this
fresh, innocent new life and all it promises and he maketh his face to shine
down upon her and the glory of the Lord shone round about them and of course we
get to see Kelly all radiant in the background (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!). And
why, I want to know, would Janet have to hand the baby to Dylan, who then walks
around the baptismal font to hand the baby to the pastor who was standing right
next to Janet in the first place? If it was the whole holding = commitment
thing, then why didnít Steve and Kelly also get to hold her for a moment? This
is all just so dumb. And the pastor doesnít actually say Maddyís name when
he baptizes her, which is actually one of the most important parts of a baptism
(i.e. christening = "to dedicate and name ceremonially").
And then Donna goes back to Dysfunction Junction, wearing her animal-print
jacket again, and Noahís there moving the last of his crap out, which
includes... a lampshade... and something that looks like a brass bull. And I
thought Noahís stuff got moved out last episode in that box with the football
in it. And so Donna and Noah make totally inane small talk about how they are
and what theyíre doing and about how David is telling each of them that the
other is "happy." Iím not sure what the significance of that is
supposed to be. I mean, why is Noah so melancholy and wistful when he was the
one who did the dumping? I guess Donna must just be sad because it seems she
always gets dumped on Christmas. And Noah goes off leaving Donna trying to make
Sad Twisty Frown, which actually just look like sheís trying to get her caked
lipsticked lips unstuck. Poor, sad, lonely Donna. Pass me a tissue.
And from the looks of things, thereís gonna be another "those arenít
my drugs in the car, the big bad brunette mustíve left them!" incident.
Hey, was the guy who Donna is "free" for Mark the Coffee Guy or a new
blond stud come to woo her?
Dwanollah, who somehow manages to ramble on longer when the shows're at
|:BACK TO RANTS: