Itís a good thing I find it therapeutic to complain, huh?
So when the show opens with the teaser "Dylan faces his demons" all
I can think is "Again?" Does the boy even have any demons left to
face? Heís faced enough demons for about 10 people by now. What could possibly
be new? Well, obviously, nothing. For instance...
Why are we once again doing the "dumping the drugs down the
toilet" bit and the "buying a gun" bit? Does heroin really turn
orange like Kool-Aid when you dump it in the toilet? And why would Dylan so
recklessly dump his stash? After all, itís tough to get back down to Mexico
for some more, innit? Whereís Dylanís old gun? Why didnít he just go back
to the old store to buy one? Doesnít he practically have a "preferred
customer" card there or something?
And why are we once again being subjected to Dylan "Sensitive Man"
McKay? Could someone tell Dylan that those lilies are gonna take quite a beating
being carried on his bike... no matter if he had oh-so-sensitively tucked them
in his jacket. And Dylan... so full of turmoil and yet so knowledgeable about
the art world.... *yawn*
Why was he whining about Marchette "taking [Toni] away again"? Like
youíve been in LA to visit her grave so much, Dylan?
And please tell me why, in every single show, do we get a shot of Dylan the
Alcoholic with a beer? WHY?
Why did they have to use that oh-so-tired Barenaked Ladies song? And, hey,
why is the opening credit montage so Donna-centric? (Okay, I can answer that in
two words:. "My Daddy.")
And speaking of Donna-centric.... Why did we have to endure non-stop
Donnantics again tonight? The whole "Mattís a swell guy" bit was
nauseating 1) because Donna is *so* not cute and 2) because Lawyer Boy is *so*
not swell. Yuch. How many times do we have to be bombarded with Donna bugging
out her eyes, mugging, tee-heeing, squinching up her face, flapping her arms
around, quirking her eyebrows, squeezing her eyes almost-shut and giggling,
being coy, being playful.... Like Donna and Noah on the Beach House Porch...
eyew. Donnantics do not = foreplay. Thatíd be a major erection-shriveler, IMHO.
And, say, why has Donna taken my comments about "Mylar dresses" in
the LWOOE section seriously? That dress at the art show was too too much.
And anyway, why would Donna Ďn Noah and Gina Ďn Dylan be double-dating
(as if) to an art show (as if) when supposedly Donna and Gina are having all
this personal conflict? And where does Noah the magically-cured depressed
alcoholic get off bagging on Dylan?
And speaking of the art show, what was up with that Really Bad Edit during
the "Marchette Collection" bit... one second Dylanís hands were
down, then they were up again...? And why did Donna call Marchette "the guy
that killed his wife" all vaguely, instead of, say, the more accurate and
succinct "his wifeís dad... he was responsible for Toniís death"
So, like, if the PPAD is such a hot hip dance club, why do the patrons barely
look alive? Why would anyone think a good concept for a DANCE club would be to
stop the music periodically soís the DJ can talk on the phone and answer
lovelorn calls? Why were there those Goth People there? And especially, itís a
dance club... why donít they ever play any actual dance music?
And speaking of Davy the DJ at PPAD, why would it be okay for Stevie to just
barge in the DJ booth during a broadcast?
Why is Kelly so freakingly wishy-washily spineless? Itís reached new levels
of Pathicalness. I mean, saying "you must hate me" because she doesnít
go doink Matt after dinner? Backpedaling and saying "I donít mean
it" about going slow, like, two seconds after she said she really really
really did mean it? Constantly second-guessing herself? Doing a sudden
turnaround once Lawyer Boy starts using is oh-so-romantic "technique"
on her by kissing her wrists so she melts and goes all ooey-gooey and starts
cooing and baby-talking? What was her idea of "taking it slow" anywayÖ?
Iíd hate to see her take things fast, fíGawdís sake! Why were they once
again doing the "jealousy is cute" bit? Why did she AOPLOGIZE TO
LAWYER BOY for "the way I acted this morning"!? "Insecure,"
Kelly? Jeez, try maniacally gut-wrenchingly spineless! And what about that whole
"You go first" "No you. I insist" exchange between Kelly and
Lawyer Boy? Was that some meta-statement (tm xix) on Hillster Boys or something,
Why oh why did we have to see Kelly and Lawyer Boy rutting? My skin crawled
when I saw the pulling-off-the-belt shot. Wasnít Lawyer Boy wearing the same
black undies Poor Noah did when he and Donna first did It? *shudder* And why
were they going at it WITH THE BEDROOM DOOR OPEN? I mean, when I lived with
roommates/other people, um, I always shut the door because even if someone wasnít
home that moment, they could come home. Really.
And speaking of Sex While in a Roommate Situation, does Davy mind all the
doinking going on in his house?
And, speaking of Kellyís retarded relationship with Lawyer Boy some more,
why would ANYONE take relationship advice from Donna seriously? Like "Mattís
a great guy. You shouldnít let him go"? Whatís that supposed to mean?
If, supposing that Kelly was a Normal Woman With a Spine, by not sleeping with
him before she was ready, Kelly was "letting him go," Iíd question
his essential "greatness" in that case, Donna, míkay?
Why do they even try to convince us that the characters have jobs that they
actually work at? So, like, Donna and Kelly can just take off from their store
to... spy on Steveís "seminar"...? So, Steve has time to plan this
retarded scheme of his - and have Janet help him, huh? Well, then, whoís
writing the paper?
Why why why why why in Godís name is Stevie marketing his skeeviness? This
was an all-new level of sick-making. I hate to break it to you, you dumb moron,
but the book "How To Be the Jerk Women Love" has already been done,
same title word-for-word. [Ed. Note: How to be the Jerk Women Love; Social
Success for Men and Women in the Ď90ís (sic), by F. J. Shark, published
1994.] So, why do the writers of this show expect people to take something as
rip-roaringly offensive as "how to be the jerk women love" as an
amusing, endearing Stevie caper? (And we can tell this is what weíre supposed
to think because Stevie did that gross licking-fingers/primping-eyebrows move.)
The second he said he had "a PhD in women", all I could think was
"a Pathetically Horny Dick." And why couldnít they get a more
diverse group of guys for the seminar, huh? Like a seminar on how to meet women
is composed solely of 20something shy boys that all dress alike? Where were the
portly middle-aged guys? The divorced "teddy bear" men? Gosh, even
someone who wasnít clean-shaven or didnít use hair gel wouldíve provided some
variety. And what the hell was Stevie babbling about during his lecture, anyway?
Why more Mt. Everest references? I guess Dylan was trying to be "the jerk
women love" by telling Kelly about K2...?
Anyway, why is the Grossness of Stevie too much to bear? Your grandma making
you iced tea before she died and you went to the orphanage? Telling the ShyBoyz
to "go get some"?! Honest to Gawd, Stevieís mugging is as annoying
as Donnaís Donnantics.
Why was Janet even in that video anyway? Why didnít any of the seminar boys
notice her at the PPAD?
And, hey, did Stevieís hair recede another inch in the last month? Why canít
we get whateverís made the hair on Stevieís head disappear to work on Davyís
And speaking of Skeevy Stevieís Nazi Dating Techniques and Davy Silver,
whatís worse that Donna Doing Comedy? You got it: Davy Doing Comedy.
Teary-eyed Davy lying to some bar-fly was too much for me.
Why did Dylan and Gina keep introducing themselves to each other? Was that
supposed to be "flirting technique"? And did Steve cover it in his
Why would stupid dumb Lawyer Boy have an in-home cooking instructor? Doesnít
that sound like something youíd find in a Las Vegas phone book, like the
"full body masseuses" or nude housecleaners or somethingÖ?
"Private, in-home cooking lessons, very discreet"...? Canít Lawyer
Boy just buy a couple cookbooks or watch FoodTV or something? How lame do you
have to be to have an in-home cooking tutor, for months, no less? And speaking
of lame, what kind of law office is located next to a nail salon? I mean, Iíve
seen legal offices in big downtown buildings where thereíre salons on the
bottom floor, but right next door? Thatís, like, soooo strip-mall, Mr. Lawyer
Boy! And why had Kelly never noticed the nail salon next door and all the women
going up to it before?
Why were there so many random-seeming conversations and exchanges in this
episode? Like, why did Donna just kind of randomly bring up the "harsh
things" Gina said about her back in December? They live in the same house
and this is the first sheís had a chance to mention it? And I couldnít
follow the jumps in Felice and Ginaís discussion about Donna "really
wanting to go to the luncheon, she was reading about it yesterday, blah
blah" to Feliceís response that Donnaíd only go "kicking and
screaming"? And why did Donna thank Gina for "standing up for [Donna]
to her mother"? Um, I didnít really get that from the Beach House Porch
scene... in fact, I didnít get the feeling Gina was standing up for Donna to
Felice at all. And why did Felice say "now three of us arenít going"
to the John John lunch? Did I miss something here too? And speaking of Donna and
Gina, why were they, like, confiding to each other about their mothers like theyíre
on intimate terms, one day after they were all pissy? And when Davy came to talk
to Kelly about "giving advice", did it seem like a random jump that
Kelly chirped back "okay, Iíll be on the radio"? There was no
build-up of "Kelly, you were a psych major" or "I need a womanís
POV" or nuthiní... Davy just said he needed "help"... that
coulda meant anything. And Kellyís talk of "going slow" somehow got
Stevie all upset that his Boyz werenít scoring? Are my synapses fraying, or
were there just lotsa Improbable Leaps in numerous sections of dialogue and/or
And speaking of Kelly Radio, why did she just show up, answer one question,
and then go off with Matt? I guess weíre supposed to believe sheíd put in a
hard nightís work on the air... thatís why she had to freshen up her
lipstick. Why was she dancing with her purse? Why did she always have to
be carrying Itty Bitty black purses everywhere she went?
And speaking of Dumb Clothes, why was Gina wearing a suit with a fur collar
in LA? I mean, living in SoCal for 27 years, I didnít see suits with fur
collars on anyone except the occasional oddly eccentric old woman or an
obviously nouveau riche lady going to church. Guess it must be a new trend. Iím
soooo out of the Fashion Loop.
Finally, not that I expect an answer or anything, but WHY do ALL THE WOMEN on
the show feel compelled to "save" and "help" the bad boys? I
donít see any boys in a rush to save the bad girls, and this double-standard rilly
annoys the shit out of me.
But the "Next week" previews....Hey, itís Dylan the Terrorist
holding folks at gunpoint... thatís new!
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