Huh. So this week’s episode opens immediately with a shout-out, when, after
weeks of questioning whether or not Donna (or anyone for that matter) on the
show actually works (in her case, as a designer), we get to see the
living room of Dysfunction Junction littered with tear-outs from My Big Coloring
Book Of Sweaters, which Donna is assiduously coloring in with her marker kit.
And her stripy turtleneck sweater and pigtails only make her look all the more
like an industrious 6-year-old playing pretend: "I’m a fashion
designer!" And then Kelly comes in and marvels at all the pictures Donna’s
colored, and, perhaps is wondering if they have enough magnets to hang them all
on the refrigerator, or if some will have to be taped on the kitchen wall next
to it. And Donna tells Kelly it’s for the new fall line, and, I guess since
Donna is so talented, she can not only work with the delicate fabrics
necessary to design eveningwear and the skimpy tank tops and skirts her store
seems to favor, she can just jump right into the totally different designing of
knits. Then again, she’s randomly done kids’ clothes and menswear, too. Isn’t
it nice that you don’t have to spend all those messy years toiling at one
boring specialization to make a name for yourself, but can, like, just *doing*
about all over the entire spectrum of couture?
Then we get the usual Marveling at How Wondrous Donna Is bit, before Kelly,
thinking she’s softened the blow, announces… again… that she wants to
leave the store. With no potential job on the horizon, no applications turned in
to schools or training programs, no leads on possible positions, no updated
résumés and cover letters, no interviews schedules, no plans at all to speak
of, Kelly is quitting her job not that she actually worked anyway to
devote more time to self-fulfillment. And Donna, of course, is
"scared" that Kelly is leaving the store and leaving her, because, of
course, we’ve seen how Kelly’s made all the difference in the store, what
with taking care of all of those post office errands and picking up coffee at
the Peach Pit and all that. And Kelly, of course, thinks Donna has "nothing
to be scared about" and Donna blathers about all Kelly "did" to
negotiate the lease blah blah blah and Kelly says "with the help of a cute
attorney who had an office upstairs" (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!) and then
Kelly claims that it’s all fair because "you got a successful business
out of the deal… (*sigh of delight, smug smirk*) I got a future husband!"
(KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!) And it’s clear that this is going to be one of
those "What My Best Friend Means To Me" episodes because then Donna
starts sighing about how there’s always been "something binding us
together" like school, the apartment… And Donna, don’t get your hopes
up, hon, ‘cos Kelly hasn’t moved out YET! (And, of course, when Donna and
Davy reunite, that’ll be just one more thing "binding Donna and Kelly
together.") So then they pledge their eternal friendship with "fudge
ripple ice cream and a sappy movie" because, yeah, that’s what all
girlies do. And WHY does anyone expect us to believe that Donna actually eats
anything, much less ice cream? And then Kelly picks up some of Donna’s
coloring book pages to look at them, and presses her rosebud lips together,
trying not to laugh. And, from the kitchen doorway, Donna sighs winsomely about
how she "misses Kelly already." And then Kelly smirks and preens some
more because she’s got a Future Husband (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!) and Donna
doesn’t… Donna’s just a poor lonely spinster channeling all her energies
into her successful career- Hey… why’re you all laughing like that?
Ah, the PPAD. Haven for losers everywhere. Um, doesn’t there come a time in
adult life where just… hanging out at a club becomes… I don’t know, really
BORING? I suppose that’s why Gina, improvisationator that she is, has decided
to make it all more interesting, sitting at the bar playing pick-up-sticks over
her highball glass with drink stirrers. How useless can one person be? Doesn’t
she even make the occasional stop at an ice rink, just to keep in
practice? Anyway, Gina’s so into this little game, sitting there by herself at
the bar just absolutely DELIGHTING in these red plastic straws, that she gets
all pissy at Dyl-head when he sits down next to her, bumping her and ruining her
game. Oh, wait… he ruined something of Gina’s… I get it! See, they’re
using symbolism again! So Gina huffs at Dylan about ruining her job last week,
and then Dylan makes her an offer she can’t refuse. Okay, then… what’s
more pathetic than these 20-something losers who hang out at a bar? Yup… a
40-50-something loser who "hangs out" at the Beverly Hills Royale With
Cheese Hotel. And evidently the "Super Sports Channel" is hiring.
Because that’s how big networks… or even not so big networks… find their
sports-journalism commentators… they put up a big "Now Hiring!"
sign. And then Dylan presents Gina with the guy’s business card and announces
that "whether [she] calls him or not, it’s up to [her]." And with
that he reaches over and takes one of Gina’s straws, and then Gina, in a snit,
grabs another straw and then sighs and throws it down on the counter.… and
wow! The symbolism contained in this one little activity is overwhelming! I’ll
explain it, because y’all prolly didn’t "get" it, because it’s
really abstruse… you see, it’s like they’re taking turns playing a game,
but Gina doesn’t want to play the game with Dylan, and is upset that he’s
intruded on her game… making a move for her without her say-so, so to speak. I
mean, and I thought the "Game of Chess" part of "The Waste
Land" was deep!
And then Dylan stalks off across the dance floor with his bottle of
recovering alcoholic beer, and we get the stupidity of Noah’s Tragic Posse…
Noah coming over to ask for help for Gidget’s Niece …and Gidget’s Niece’s
Brother stalking over like the tough guy he is …and then Noah explains that
"she flushed her drugs down the toilet when the cops came" and that
"her dealer thinks he has some money coming" and Gidget’s Niece
appears and mentions that it was "about a kilo" and her dealer’s
"share of the sale" would’ve been "over $90,000." And then
Dylan self-righteously proclaims that "there isn’t going to be a
sale" and Gidget’s Niece’s Brother goes off on Dylan and Gidget’s
Niece announces that her dealer’s "going to kill" her and then
swallows her own lips in consternation. But what’s really impressive is that
they’re having this conversation about drugs and selling drugs and selling
large quantities of drugs worth a lot of money and killings in related to
selling drugs and stuff IN A PUBLIC PLACE SURROUNDED BY ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE.
Smart, guys. And then when Noah whines about Dylan, despite the fact that he’s
been hanging with Noah off and on for two years in Hillsterland, shared
residences with him on a number of occasions, and has been partying pretty heavy
with him of late, claims "I’m not your counselor, I’m not your big
brother, dude, I barely even know you!" before stalking off to brood
somewhere, leaving Noah gazing after him, lovelorn. I think when Dylan asked him
"So, you do a lot of blow?" it got Noah awfully excited, like,
thinking it was an offer or something.
So it’s another beautiful sunshiny day at Casa Non-Walsh, where (shout out
number 2) Kelly and LawyerBoy are making it clear that, yes, LawyerBoy still
lives there, in Brandon’s old room, even, if the paint job is any indication.
And for Kelly the So-Called Psych Major to ignore the obviousness of this
situation is quite amusing, innit? Anyway, Kelly and LawyerBoy are changing the
sheets on his bed and talking about his older brother and sister-in-law, who’re
coming to visit and "catch up." And, much like with Noah, LawyerBoy
has a rich and successful brother that 1) has never been mentioned before and 2)
he feels inferior to, blah blah blah issuescakes. "He sets the standard,
and when I don’t reach it…" whines LawyerBoy, the conclusion of his
sentence too terrible to even utter aloud. And Kelly, naturally, jumps to Her
Future Husband’s defense, sneering "HIS standards, not yours… Besides,
look at him, he’s a bonds…trader," and sniffs with disdain. Like, yeah,
Kelly, and look at you… a nothing. And as for Chumley there, he’s an
mini-mall lawyer who’s been grounded for two months. And fortunately LawyerBoy
says the only semi-intelligent thing I’ve ever heard him say when he proclaims
"What am I? An out-of-work ambulance chaser." E-zactly, White Bread
Chump. And his Chumpiness asserts itself full-force when he continues that his
brother "has a huuuuge house… his wife has a huuuuge engagement
ring." Um, excuse me? LawyerBoy? Get off the fucking engagement ring
kick, you surface-oriented butt-hole! Why not just say "he has a
huuuuge penis… his wife has huuuuge hooters" for all you’re talking
about stuff that really matters and connotes happiness…? ‘Cos happiness is
measured in carats and cup-size. At least Kelly must think so, judging from the
sour face she makes in response. Anyway, Kelly and LawyerBoy are all chucking
pillows and putting on pillow cases and stuff, yet another one of those Really
Deep Symbolic Moments. Stop! Deconstruction Time! (ho-o-o, ho-o-o ho-o-o…)
The bed-making is a symbol of, on the surface, Kelly and LawyerBoy’s
domesticity, their desire to domesticatitate together … But underneath, there
is a darker current, the message of "you made your bed, now you have to
sleep in it," implying that things in their Happy Lil’ World might not
end up as happy as they’d like it to. And then the doorbell rings and they
tromp off to answer it. And Kelly then says "I think my engagement ring is
perfect." And LawyerBoy says, in what might be the Stupidest Thing Uttered
On Tonight’s Episode: "So do I. But he’s my big brother and what he
thinks affects me." Like GOD FORBID your BROTHER thinks that your
fiancée’s engagement ring isn’t big enough!? And instead of saying
"Maybe there are some issues between you and your brother that need
resolving" or "You seem to have a serious self-esteem problem. Why is
it so important to you to appear successful to others?" Kelly says
"You don’t have to compete with him!" and LawyerBoy outright lies
when he says "I don’t!" and cutely adds "I just tend to sulk a
lot when he’s around." Ha ha. Fuh-nee.
Now then. What was up with those bizarre close-up shots of Patrick and
JulieAnne, and Kelly making her trademark chicken-y head movements as she
checked them both out?
And then, shout-out 3, LawyerBoy emphasizes to his brother that he doesn’t
own this "great house" but rather he’s "just renting one of the
rooms" all poor, sad, pathetic Matt-like.
Was Patrick kidding when he asked LawyerBoy if he was "still keeping the
streets safe for the criminals?" It sure sounded less-than-joking. Which
makes me think Patrick knows a lot more about LawyerBoy’s career than
LawyerBoy’s letting on.
And where did JulieAnne get the idea that Kelly "runs a boutique?"
Unless "running" a place equates dropping by about twice a week and
spending a lot of quality time hanging out upstairs at your boyfriend’s
Anyway, LawyerBoy overemphasizes that both he and Kelly "are on vacation…together"
and then Kelly smiles and jerks her head around about six times in goony reflex,
much like a hyper puppy wagging it’s tail, because of COURSE everything they
do, they do it together.
Over at Now Bear This, it’s time for shout out number three, after my
numerous retail diatribes wondering WHY Donna can just hang around the store
talking with the Current Boy in her Life instead of, I don’t know, dealing
with the realities of customers. And, before I mention anything else, lemme
throw in a bit from my 12/15 Rant:
So, looking back to the years I worked at clothing stores and smaller shops…huge
lines of customers checking out aside, there were always twenty million people
wanting help and asking questions of the staff. "Do you have this in
blue?" "Are there any more in back?" "I can’t find my
size!" "Is there a shirt to match?" "Can you help me find
Anyway, in a matter of seconds, Donna has to 1) cajole a customer into a
dressing room and 2) offer to help her accessorize her outfit, 3) respond to a
woman who wants a shirt "in a small?" and then 4) offer to check in
back before someone else asks 5) "Do you gift wrap?" and then 6) the
woman who wanted a small reminds Donna that she’s waiting for help and 7) says
she’s running late. And by this time, Donna’s got more work to do that she
usually has in a whole week, but luckily Davy doesn’t have any work whatsoever
because, again, he’s hanging out at Donna’s store and can just jump in and
save her incapable butt by answering questions and checking back stock. And
Donna laments "Was the store always this busy or does it seem busier since
I’m doing it alone?" and I’d like to point out that this covers several
inconsistencies, because, based on Kelly and Gina’s appearances at the store,
Donna, you always WERE doing it without much help and also, no, the store was
never that busy because it functions merely as a trendy backdrop for the
pathetical happenings of Hillster Lives instead of an actual means of support.
So shut up.
And, since Davy’s already doing so much gadding about at the store in the
first place, why don’t you just kill three birds with one stone and hire
him to work for you, already?! Then 1) you’d have more help and someone to
pick up all that slack from Kelly and Gina, 2) it’d provide employment for
Davy, who, again, doesn’t even seem to be playing Faux Adam Carolla at the
PPAD anymore (yet miraculously can still afford a two-bedroom LA bungalow and a
Jeep) and 3) it would continue to set up the Inevitable Donna and Davy Reunion.
Would it be too much to hope that the show could end on a Donna Martin
"I Choose Me" note? Yeah, I thought so.
And then Kelly comes in to DONNA’S BUSY STORE and has the gall to be put
off that Donna can’t talk about LawyerBoy’s Brother right now because, um,
SHE’S WORKING…? And then Kelly CONTINUES to be put off that Donna won’t be
home tonight to talk about whatever the latest trauma in Kelly Taylor’s Kelly-Tailored World is because she’s going to some "buyers’
meet&greet" (whatever). And Kelly protests "But you hate those
things" and Donna retorts that now that she’s "on my own, I have to
do a lot of things I hate." So, what, are we supposed to believe that Kelly
was doing that sort of PR thing for the last year? Yeah, right. And Kelly sniffs
"Ouch!" and Donna grovels and apologizes but blows Kelly and Kelly’s
Problems off some more and Kelly actually tosses her head and stalks from the
store in a total snit, making pissy faces the whole time, I might add,
because Donna doesn’t have time to listen to her problems! And I’m
channeling my Inner Queen (or Inner Springer Guest) now to say: Hellooo, Kelly?
Clue Department on line one, and it’s urgent! From the look on Donna’s face,
I suspect she felt the same way, even though she didn’t say anything.
So Gina’s doing a recap of Donna and Val’s Girl Friday business lo these
several seasons ago because she discovers that the Super Sports Guy will only
hire her to be an Ersatz Scotty Hamilton (who, actually, I happen to adore.
Sadly, though, he’s one of the few skaters I haven’t met in my years of
haunting arenas in Southern California when the ice shows would make their way
into town. I did get 3rd row to one of his televised shows,
where he did the lounge routine with the light-up ruffly costume, which was
kewl-rad. And I’ve met Christopher Dean [twice] and Kurt Browning [once] and
Brian Boitano [once, got personalized autograph, too], which counts a lot. But I
digress….) if she promises to first (walk his dog? hire a medium? sleep with
him?) get his teenaged son to lose weight.
Why would Gina say she still "skate(s) a lot" when she hasn’t
been near a rink that we’ve seen, in, oh, ever? No, wait, there was that one
time that she was supposed to film some special but collapsed from too much
puking. And then she claims that she was the "first alternate for the
Olympics in ‘92" (whatever… Kristi Yamaguchi woulda kicked your ass
left, right, and left again) and that she "would’ve made the team, but I
pulled a muscle" during warm-ups. And I’ve never heard any skater, any
professional athlete, say, generically, "pulled a muscle"… they
always specify which muscle: hamstring, groin, whatever.
And, another thing… Super Sports Guy wants Gina to get Michael in shape in
three days? For a "winter carnival" dance? Um….
So Gina huffs and sighs and she and Michael glare hateful shit at each other.
And then Donna, standing awkward and alone at the so-called
"meet&greet," gets meeted and greeted by a woman with short, spiky
blonde hair who just chummily pops over and says, all friendly-confidentially
"Aren’t these the worst? It’s like being at a high school dance
but without the cool music or cute guys!" [I don’t know what school she
went to, but there was no cool music or cute guys at my high school dances!] And
then, when Donna asks if they’ve met, the woman CALLS HER BY NAME and reminds
her beaming with delight, I might add "Donna, I’m Camille Desmond
from LA Fashion…" and smilingly reminds Donna that she interviewed her
last year for a "Who’s Hot and Who’s Not" list of some kind and
praises Sweet Modest Donna about how much she loooooves her stuff and wanted her
"on the good list" and she loooooves the way Donna’s marketed
And I guess we’re supposed to believe that Kelly was the Marketing Genius
behind Now Blare This? Oh, well, how could I forget that stellar, star-studded
party Kelly arranged. Man, she MADE that store….
Now. That said… why would Donna, supposedly in the fashion design business,
not remember something as important as an interview for a major local
periodical? Like she does so many of them that she can’t keep ‘em all
straight? Wouldn’t she think it might be a smart idea to, oh, perhaps remember
what contacts you’ve made and try to maintain them if you’re new to the
fashion industry? Or ANY industry? Or even not new to the business, for
that matter? But no, Donna’s so magically talented that she can just stand
there and the movers & shakers of the fashion world will, like, recognize
her on sight and beat a path to her and fawn over her and heap praise upon her
and buy her stuff because she is sooooo talented and they all just loooooove
So Donna continues to moue and grimace and mug and roll her eyes and play all
cutesy while Camille continues to reassure her of how Wondrous she is. And she
says that it’s a "tough crowd" tonight and she’s "tried
getting dates with a lot of them… and the result is, I’m here interviewing
you!" And at this point, I’m sure that, after The Coffee Guy and The
Married Headhunter have both been unable to resist Donna’s charms, this week’s
plot twist is going to entail the lesbian fashion editor who is unable to resist
Donna’s charms. And so Camille is turning herself inside out with excitement
about wanting to "profile" Donna because she’s a "young female
designer on her own!" And if that isn’t enough, Donna wants Camille to
play dating service, because she insists that Camille include prominently the
fact that she’s "single" too. For, she adds, "the three
straight guys who subscribe."
Okay, now, not only is that a really lame thing to say in general, but I am
now thoroughly convinced, after a set-up like that, that Camille is a full-on
lesbian and she wants Donna bad. Because who doesn’t? And besides, while Donna’s
had stalkers and abusers and all kinds of guys who won’t leave her alone, she’s
never had a lesbian yet! Even KELLY had a lesbian! It’s only fair that Donna
be shown to be attractive to women, too!
And then Camille, Donna’s new best friend, promises to "even
mention" Donna’s singleness to "Dan Clemmens… one of the biggest
buyers for federal (Federal?) department stores."
Once more I have to comment on the moronicaciness of Donna not being the
least bit familiar with the names of major buyers.
And, naturally, even though Camille has "never met him [which might put
a crimp on that aforementioned mention of Donna’s single state]… [Donna’s]
about to" because Dan Clemmens has been scoping her out and comes over to
goon at Donna and shake her hand because he "heard" about her new line
of sweaters… but he’s so overcome by her beauty and amazing presence that he
can’t do much more than gape at her, tongue-tied. Excuse me. Question: Would
it be possible for any professional buyer, particularly one supposedly as major
as this guy, to not have some sort of small-talk shtick for occasions like these
meet&greets… or at least something a little more informed to say than a
kowtowing-to-Donna’s-sweater-designs remark that "I hear wool is back
this year"? And then he says "Personally, I prefer mohair." And
Donna just stares at him. And stares. And then he kinda cracks a small smile,
and Donna makes the most obnoxious fake-o token laugh and then shifts her eyes
around all nervously and sips from her glass of wine. The lack of chemistry
and/or comedy between these two is as palpable as the element of reality
pervading the entire Donna the Fashion Designer plot. And honest to Gawd, Mel
Silver is, like, a Party in a Bag compared to this guy!
And I also have to comment on the weirditity of the fact that there’s this
very careful introduction of Donna to Dan and Dan to Donna so that we get their
names pretty-close-to-coupled via the dialogue "Hi Dan I’m Donna"…
and, as I’ve posted here before, The Husband-Type Man’s name is Dan and my name is
Dawn. Dawn and Dan. Coincidence…? But, shout out or not, I can’t take the
lameness of this colorless Donna-smitten moron having the same name as my witty
and dynamic and gloriously dorky spouse, so I’m calling the Buyer Guy "Etherized Kramer."
EK for short.
And, so, without any effort at all except to show up and stand there, Donna’s
scored two major coups in two minutes: a feature article in a prominent LA
fashion magazine written by a journalist who wants her bad, and a meeting with a
major buyer who also wants her bad. I’d say that was well worth blowing Kelly’s
Me-fest off for.
And then we get the utter lameness of Steve and Janet, who, despite having a
newborn and supposedly running a newspaper, have the luxury of going out to the
movies for the evening! But (dun da DAAAA!) when they return home, they find
Noah… AND THE NANNY in a state of dishabille! Oh no! What to do?! Well,
if you’re Janet, the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife, you storm "Get out of
this house… NOW!" And if you’re Skeevy Stevie, Penis Boy Supreme, you
stand there with this lame-ass frozen look of Great Horniness as you imagine
your friend and the nanny doinking. And I’m guessing that sometime tonight,
when Janet’s sound asleep, Stevie’s going to creep downstairs and, like,
sniff the couch for left-over au de Darby. And maybe take blottings of
the wet spots.
And LawyerBoy’s still all size-fixated, because he’s creaming for details
of Patrick and JulieAnne’s new pool as they sit at some restaurant. But
JulieAnne wants to know more about Kelly because she "seems so nice."
Someone needs to remind JulieAnne that appearances can be deceiving. And
LawyerBoy says lightly that she’s "great" but fortunately he
modifies that remark by adding "Although she has decided to spend the rest
of her life with me so I guess you hafta wonder." Amen.
And then Patrick just suddenly announces "We can’t have a baby."
We’ve been trying but we can’t… I can’t… so much for controlling the
Oh God. We now have proof that Patrick and LawyerBoy are related.
Yeah, Patrick, that’s why you have kids! They’re your freakin’ DYNASTY!
And if you can’t breed, it means you have no control! You’ll leave no
lasting mark on the world! You just plain SUCK!
So then Patrick and JulieAnne tell LawyerBoy they’ve been "considering
options" for A WHOLE WEEK now. Oh, wow, the anguish they must’ve
suffered, having to agonize seven whole DAYS over not being able to have a baby!
Anyway, and they want LawyerBoy to be the sperm donor. And then everyone smiles
at each other. No doubt LawyerBoy’s grateful for the opportunity to masturbate
for fun AND profit.
And then Noah goes into the Peach Pit where, God help us all, we have to
endure the TOTAL AND COMPLETE SKEEVINESS of the REAL issue of Noah doinking
Darby: Stevie’s all bummed because… she doesn’t seem to remember having
sex with him! And Stevie’s making these incredulous faces throughout the whole
conversation, like a big dumb dog, and when Noah says "Maybe she
forgot" Stevie actually scoffs "Like that’s possible!" And, I
suppose, based on the number of posts in the "Worst Sex I Ever Had"
topic on Hissyfit, then, yeah, I guess I gotta give Skeevy Stevie that one. And
Noah laughs… and licks his lips and says (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!) "Okay,
you know, Steve, you’re probably the best she’s ever had…" and
then Steve oh-so-modestly agrees "Maybe" and then Noah says "but
since you were so Epic-" AND YES, HE SAID "EPIC!"
"maybe you should tell Janet before Darby does." And, gosh, it’s
tough to be Steve Sanders, with such deep ethical issues rocking your world,
And, wallowing in Domestic Bliss at Dysfunction Junction, Kelly’s prepared
LawyerBoy’s morning coffee and comments, all Stereotyped Wifey-like, on how he
"got in late last night." And I guess after dinner LawyerBoy just
dropped his brother and sister-in-law off at the house where he rents a room,
and then left them there alone with Steve and Janet and the baby and the nanny
to go spend the night with Kelly, huh? Anyway, LawyerBoy announces that Patrick
and JulieAnne want to have a baby and Kelly pretends she cares and says
"Oh, is she pregnant?"(KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!) but is inwardly
cursing the fact that if JulieAnne is pregnant, Kelly can’t inflate her own
importance by bearing the First Grandchild for LawyerBoy’s parents (which
might make up for the fact that she’s merely LB’s second wife). And then
LawyerBoy says "No… and it seems that Patrick is the reason why."
And, I swear, Kelly is just GLOATING over this comment. And when LawyerBoy says
"They’re looking for a sperm donor," Kelly snips "To measure up
to his standards? What, are they going to go to one of those genius sperm
banks," making these nasty, evil smirks the whole time. And let me
bitch-slap you, Kelly, because you just met the guy yesterday and I don’t
think you’re in any position to make a judgement call on his essential
character based on one remark from your doofus husband-to-be. I mean, what is
Kelly’s problem? And then LawyerBoy explains that, no, they want him to be the
donor… and that Patrick said LB "was the most decent person he knew…
my brother said that about me…"
And the look on Kelly’s face by this time is priceless; it’s like she
just swallowed a handful of live guppies. And her sour-candy mouth scrunches up
and she swallows a lot and her chin works and she huffs and puts her coffee mug
down and finally she stammers "I… I’m sure that… meant a lot to you…
but you… can’t father someone else’s child!"
She just told LawyerBoy, with finality, "you can’t."
And LB protests that it’s "his brother!" and magnanimously,
Kelly "could possibly understand" why LB would want
to do this if it was "anonymous," just "some
stranger"; her problem seems to be that someday the child
will find out "that his uncle is really his father."
And then… then Kelly supposedly qualifies that statement by
saying "I mean, ask Donna and Gina what a brilliant
idea that was!"
Uhhh. As if LawyerBoy being a sperm donor for his impotent brother and
sister-in-law can compare to Dr. John having an extramarital affair with his
wife’s sister and then conspiring for years to hide the child’s true
But, anyway, this is KELLY’S sperm, these are KELLY’S future children we’re
talking about! LB has no say in this matter. In fact, he’s so totally
Kellywhipped to the extent that I’m thinking about dropping his The New
Brandon title that he hastens to assure her that "You and I are a team,
and whatever decisions we make, we… we make together." As if.
But Kelly… Kelly, bless her loving and sensitive heart, tells LB: "I
really don’t think that there’s a decision to be made here. I don’t want
you to do this!"
And BAM! Kelly Taylor has spoken! And as LB sighs in bloody defeat, Kelly
CONTINUES TO HUFF and make pissy faces and look completely put out by the fact
that LB would even DARE to CONSIDER such a selfish and evil thing as making
babies with someone other than her when HE KNOWS DAMNED WELL THAT KELLY TAYLOR
WANTS THAT. And she’s still making Big Wide Eyes at him, perhaps hoping he’ll
see his unborn children there instead, and give up this horrific notion of
sharing his seed with someone else.
And, hey, LB and Patrick, wouldn’t a brother being a sperm donor be
important along the lines of, say, passing the close genetic make-up of the same
family as opposed to… hoping the child will somehow inherit LB’s (ahem)
And after that touching interlude, we get another touching interlude with
Gina and The Super Sports Channel Guy’s kid, Michael as she jogs him along one
of the walks at Santa Monica. Could Gina BE any more
manic-depressive bi-polar anxiety-ridden disordered to the max? I mean, you’d
think she’d at least attempt to empathize with this poor kid who’s
spilling his out-of-shape guts to her about his mom’s death and his dad’s
stringent standards and that he can’t ever do anything, not even get an
earring… but instead she’s all bitter and nasty and basically tells him
"up your fat lard ass, kid, I’m just sucking up to your dad for a
job." And then, for some reason, Gina’s manic side has peaked and she
starts the downslide and decides to tell Michael he’d look cute with an
earring and acts all nice to him.
Uch. Icky Skeevy Stevie is lurking outside the baby’s room, spying on the
nanny and shaking his head, like, "how DARE she not remember ME, the Mighty
Steve Sanders" or something. And Darby looks up and says that Steve
Darby, this whole fucking plot scares me.
And Stevie jumps right in by asking "Do you remember
a KEG party-" as if that’s going to narrow it down for
the slutty little barfly. But Janet interrupts, bringing Maggie/Maddy
in and settling in a rocking chair to nurse. And despite the
fact that the baby is already chowing down on breast milk,
Darby leaves, at Steve’s urging, to go get the bottles that
are in the refrigerator. And then Janet manages to rack up
points for stupidity when she starts BMCing about what to
do about Darby, because she likes her, but (One of the Stupidest
Things Uttered In Tonight’s Episode) "somehow I can’t
help but feel that… Maddy’s world is … somehow contaminated."
As if being born to a vermin like Steve Sanders and a knucklehead like you
wasn’t contamination for the poor kid, Janet?
And then Stevie makes the big confession. Well, that is, Stevie Sanders
Style, he beats around the bush a little until Janet, pissed, exclaims "You
had sex with our nanny!?" And Stevie actually says indignantly "No!
No, I, I- yes." Which means we then have to listen to Janet’s Bossy
Jealous Nagging Wife comments about thong underwear before she yanks her boob
out of Maddy’s mouth and huffs, refuting Steve’s help with the baby because
that’s how women and wives REALLY exert their power in the relationship.
There aren’t enough words to describe the absolute shameless selfish
bitchiness of Kelly tromping down to the coffee bar-patio of 7250 Yeah Right
Blvd., where Patrick is brooding and smoking, and announcing to him in a
know-it-all voice: "In case you haven’t heard, those things can kill
you." And, see, those clever folks at 90210 are doing the symbolism thing
again, aren’t they? They want us to think that Kelly, because she’s privy to
such stores of knowledge about life and death, has a moral edge on Patrick. And
Patrick excuses his nicotine habit by saying that all traders smoke. And Kelly…
Kelly pulls this Total Dumbshit looks and coos "I thought you were on
vacation." 1) Like smokers TAKE VACATIONS FROM SMOKING, Kelly?! And 2) what
kind of a moralistically judgmental little conversation opener is this, Kelly?
And 3) how much does Kelly’s innocent dumbshit face remind me of my dumb dad’s
favorite Control Tactic…? I mean, I can’t remember a time where I actually
had any semblance of a healthy and fulfilling relationship with the moron.
Trying to communicate with my dad, even with the added aid of counseling, is
about as productive and fun as running full-speed into a closed sliding
glass door. Repeatedly. To say that he only hears what he wants to hear is the
understatement of my lifetime. Like, remember my bitching about his
giving-the-bride-away bullshit three days before our wedding? After a year of
planning and talking, he suddenly "didn’t understand what his role in the
wedding was supposed to be" and claimed he needed to "talk" with
me and, despite my saying no repeatedly, he actually followed me to my Gram’s
house to coerce me into a conversation (when I had ten minutes before an
appointment) because he "didn’t understand his role in the wedding."
The man had had over a year and, three days before, still had not copied the
family photos we’d wanted to display, still hadn’t rented a tux, still hadn’t
contributed the "couple thousand" dollars that he claimed he wanted to
kick in for wedding planning, had managed to flake on every detail of the
wedding… except for the fact that he wasn’t giving me away. And so he starts
this nonsensical beating-around-the-bush conversation all acting like he doesn’t
have an agenda and faking like he’s really concerned about the fact that The
Husband-Type Man and I have decided to hyphenate our two names and it bothers
him to see MyLastName-THTM’sLastName and blah blah blah but he really doesn’t
"understand his role in the wedding." And, since my tolerance level
for bullshit is located right around my toes, I said "Is this about giving
me away?" And he continues to give me his best Dumbshit Innocent Face and
again insists that he "just doesn’t understand his role in the
wedding." And he expected me to be so stupid as to believe this crap?
So after that charming performance of his, and for scores of other reasons, I
pretty much terminated all relations with him. But every so often he pops up,
e-mailing me a chain letter about the girl dying from leukemia who teaches the
cranky old man the value of life and love or something of that ilk, or wanting
to know if I’m going to go up to Boston to visit some 3rd cousins
of his (when I’ve told him ten million times I find it personally
uncomfortable to just make contact with distant relatives or to show up at some
great-great-uncle’s house and announce "Hi! Just thought I’d drop
by!")…. But a couple weeks ago, I get an email from him, wanting to know
if he can have my address, because he’s got a belated Christmas gift for me
that he knows I’ll love, and he closes with the teaser that "it’s
beaded and VERY cute!" and has included a j.peg of this…beaded…cat…thing.
And I was tempted to shoot back a snotty response, like "Gee, beaded and
VERY cute two of my favorite things!" because the fact that the man,
despite my best efforts, has no CLUE what kind of person I am has been the main
point of contention for, like, my whole life. But I tell myself not to be such a
bitch. And I don’t respond immediately, because the home computer’s broke
and THTM has to take the laptop to work for the day. But my dad, being the
charmingly manipulative jerk that he is, sends me another e-mail less that 20
hours later: "So you no like the kitty purse?" and includes this
pathetic, guilt-inducing schlock that he guesses I’m afraid that if I give him
my address, he’ll "God forbid" come visit me and blah blah blah some
more. So I get pissed. And usually it takes a lot to piss me off, but my stupid
dad can do it quicker than any other human being on the face of this earth.
Issues? Issues? You bet! And so I tell him: "If you would like to send me a
Christmas present, I certainly appreciate the gesture and the fact that you were
thinking of me. But that does not mean I welcome the emotional manipulation
projected by notes like this." Which takes the place of the "Fuck off,
asshole!" note I’d really like to send him. So I give him my mailing
address. And yesterday, I got the beaded and VERY cute kitty purse. It is almost
the type of thing that The Husband-Type Man or one of my friends would get me as
a joke, since I dig Kitsch. However, my dad purchased it because, no matter how
many times I’ve told him differently, he is convinced that (and I quote) I
would "be happy as long as [I] had a book and a kitty cat" and all
girls love cute stuff like beaded kitty purses and puffy appliquéd sweatshirts
with hearts on them (like he gave me when I was 23) and rayon sea-green
nightgowns embroidered with roses (like he gave me when I was 24), etc. But what
really cheesed me was that the package was (pointedly?) addressed to Dwanollah
The Husband-Type Man’sLastName. He is the only person who has ever address
anything to us as "Mr. And Mrs. THTM." I mean, even the mass mailings
from credit card companies don’t call me "Mrs. THTM"! And, to make
matters worse, he had misspelled THTM’s LastName. My dumb dad, who
preaches all this bullshit about how nothing is more important to him that his
family, cannot even manage to get his daughter’s last name correct. I
mean, based on our lovely pre-wedding chat, it’s not like he doesn’t know
what my last name is… but if I was to call him on it, he’d claim he didn’t,
and then pull that dumbshit face innocent face…. So, feeling pissy about the
whole situation, when I sent him a thank-you note, I attached a j.peg of the
Kitty Purse on our Kitsch Shelf and wrote the following: Thanks for the
wondrously kitschy kitty purse... it fits in perfectly with our kitsch corner
display of goofy and tacky stuff (along with other such Very Important Things
like the Spam sno-globe, pickanniny dolls and Yoda giga-pet). However, I almost
didn't receive it because you addressed the package to "Dwanollah THTM’sLastNameMisspelled
(sic)"; our legal last name -- and the name on our mailbox -- is "
MyLastName-THTM’sLastName" (S-P-E-L-L-E-D). Luckily, the mail carrier
left the package sitting outside the mailboxes, and I was able to spot it.
Which, I hope, makes a number of points. The moron. And he wonders why I can’t
stand him? My dad is, like, the Italian Steve Sanders.
Which brings us back, I suppose, from Dwanollah’s Father Angst to the
actual subject at hand….
So Kelly’s basically attacked Patrick, attempting to put him on the defense
and/or manipulate him emotionally by making nonsensical comments and faking like
she has no idea what must be the foremost issue on his mind and the she doesn’t
know that he knows that she knows what the problem is and who, namely her, is at
the root of it.
But Patrick, luckily, is a cut-to-the-chase kinda guy, and, much as he did at
the dinner table the other night when he blurted in the middle of casual
conversation that they couldn’t have a baby, he announces here: "Matt
turned me down"
And Kelly says "Oh, I’m sorry," but can barely contain her look
of smug, selfish delight as she attempts to blow off Patrick.
But Patrick, again, decides to be "direct" and baldly tells her:
"We both know he’d do this if it weren’t for you."
And Kelly actually gets pissed that Patrick is pissed at her… like, how
dare Patrick not acknowledge what he’s demanded of her, KELLY TAYLOR, by
asking Her Fiancé to donate his sperm SPERM THAT BY ALL RIGHTS IS
EXCLUSIVELY KELLY’S! to his brother and sister-in-law! Why, then LB would
be… LINKED… to Patrick and JulieAnne… JULIEANNE, NOT KELLY would be
carrying LB’s baby! How WRONG is that? What kind of an injustice is that!?
HOW MUCH IS KELLY SUBLIMATING THE BOTTOM-LINE FACT THAT SHE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE
TO "GIVE" LAWYERBOY A FAMILY SOMEDAY AND IS TOTALLY JEALOUS THAT, IN A
ROUNDABOUT WAY, JULIEANNE WOULD BE (in the immortal words of my chauvinist pig
father) GIVING LB HIS BABY!
Since 90210 is seemingly attempting to refer to incidents in the past in
a rather slap-dash, inconsistent manner, but I suspect that next week, we’ll
get some big confession scene where Kelly quivers her rosebud lips and gazes up
at LawyerBoy with her dewdrop eyes and admit the whole Brandon/pregnancy plot
twist and tell him about the burden she carries about not being able to
"give" him a family/baby of their own.
With all of the unwanted children in the world, I just don’t get why more
people don’t adopt. Look at all the Rumanian orphans, the abandoned
girl-babies in China, the foster children here in our own country! I find it
hard to see why anyone, really, should have more than two children in this day
and age [which I know is a controversial thing to say. I’m not suggesting we
should limit families legally or anything that extreme. I just think it’s
selfish and irresponsible to have four and five children per family when this
planet is so freakin’ overpopulated with children anyway]. About a year ago, I
was listening to an NPR story that got me so pissed that I almost put my foot
through the radio. It was about parents with AIDS having babies. Again, this is
controversial and I’m still asking myself questions about the ethics of having
a child when you could potentially be passing on to them a disease (my favorite
aunt had lupus, and had two children)…. But one of the couples interviewed
were two already-multi-divorced partners, EACH OF WHOM ALREADY HAD TWO AND THREE
CHILDREN WITH OTHER PREVIOUS SPOUSES, but, despite the fact that they both had
AIDS and could be passing the disease on to an unborn child (and it was very
costly to medically try to prevent such a thing… not to mention the cost if
the child was born with AIDS), and even though the guy had just been laid off
work and the woman was a stay-at-home mom, they went ahead and got pregnant.
Why? "We wanted to make something together," they both said dreamily.
Um, TAKE A FUCKING POTTERY CLASS!
And the story concluded with tales of Their Baby 1, who was born with AIDS,
and the fact that SHE WAS PREGNANT AGAIN! They had, like, seven kids between
them and were going for more. HOW FUCKING SELFISH IS THAT? They couldn’t adopt
an abandoned AIDS baby out of the thousands already living, they had to
"make one together!" People are just so freaking fixated on this idea
that they have to have "a child of our own." Like when I mentioned to
my cousins (yes, those cousins) that (first of all, me and The Husband-Type Man
were in no way ready to have kids, but if we ever decided to) we were
considering the likely possibility of adopting…. They both looked at me like I
was a freak (not the first time, I might add) and said "but… why would
you do that if you can have a baby of your own?!" Um, if we adopted a
child, it WOULD be a baby of our own, silly girls.
So anyway, Patrick’s told Kelly she’s the reason LB said no and Kelly
getting pissier and more condescending by the millisecond and snips "That’s
a conversation I think you need to have with him" and Patrick tells her he
already did and that’s why he "knows it’s true" and then Kelly
gets TOTALLY ROYALLY bent out of shape and "HE told you THAT?" and
Patrick just stares at her, no doubt wondering if she’s going to realize the
inherent psychological problems intimated by the entire conversation, and Kelly
tries to collect herself and huffs and tosses her head around and makes her
mouth look like a cat’s butthole (thank you, Sars) and snaps "You can
resolve this without involving us" and Patrick says "Not the way we’d
like" which is actually kinda selfish, but nowhere near Kelly’s league as
she huffs some more and concludes "I’m sorry that you have this problem…
but it’s YOUR problem…not ours!" and she flounces off. And this whole
issue only underscores the Mediaramans’ repeated observance that Hillsters in
general and Kelly in particular tends to distribute token largesse but are
completely unable to give anything of substance and real selflessness.
And I guess hanging out at Donna’s store isn’t enough for lazy Davy,
because now he’s hanging at Dysfunction Junction, too. And, naturally, poor
insecure Donna needs his help getting ready for her non-date-date with Etherized
Kramer. And Donna would rather stay in and watch The Sopranos, which I’ll take
as a reference to my Italian heritage. And Donna clumps over to the door and
yanks it open and Etherized Kramer says, all etherized, "Hi. You look
great." And Donna looks down at her boobs and says "Hi. I’ll be
right back" and runs off. And Donna-Tori? His looking at your boobs in this
case prolly doesn’t mean he’s getting the wrong idea about date/non-date…
it means he’s prolly wondering how such horrors could exist in this day of
advanced medical procedures for removing abnormal growths. So. Why did Davy and
Etherized Kramer not… talk to each other? I would think that a guy showing up
on what is ostensibly a date would be semi-concerned about establishing the
relationship of his female companion and the random guy who is hanging out at
her apartment. And could Donna BE any more awkward? What happened to Kind,
Generous, Sweet Donna who always tried to put people at ease, huh? Could
Etherized Kramer BE any more weird? He’s got one of those froggy snapper
thingies that clicks, and he makes like he’s clicking his fingers together,
and then reveals his little trick and announces "My dad had a snap
factory." My dad had a snap factory? And then Donna, now
jacketed, comes back and there’s the Huge Awkward Exit deal… and if Donna’s
so weirded out by Etherized Kramer, um, MAYBE SHE SHOULDN’T BE GOING OUT ALONE
WITH HIM? How many times have women, despite thinking that a guy is kinda weird
or odd, gone out with him anyway, and found out they’ve got a stalker or
rapist or serial killer on their hands? I mean, Davy’s gonna find Donna’s
head in a shopping bag on the doorstep in the morning, isn’t he?
And, despite the fact that Donna and Etherized Kramer left only 3 seconds
ago, Camille shows up at the same door without having seen them. I mean, why
didn’t Davy say "Yeah, Donna’s right over there, walking towards
Etherized Kramer’s car"? Why couldn’t Davy meet Camille for the first
time at Donna’s store, which might be a little more logical than her, um,
showing up at her house at night? I guess Camille must want Donna bad to come
all the way down to Santa Monica to just "tell her that my editor loves the
story I’m doing on her." Camille? Telephone. And Davy, charmer that he
is, just stares at Camille and laughs. Which I guess is why Camille decided to
abandon her crush on Donna and go for Davy. Why was Davy just… hanging out at
Dysfunction Junction after Donna left, anyway? Jeez, how useless is Davy!?
And, taking a page from the Hillster Boy Book, Kelly’s been staked out at
Casa Non-Walsh, lying in wait of LawyerBoy. Kelly, wouldn’t that be a teensy
bit awkward, what with Patrick and JulieAnne staying there? So Kelly, stamping
around with her hands on her hips, lays into Pudly LawyerBoy: "I thought we
were a team… a team stands up for each other, makes joint decisions, protects
each other" … which is really inconsistent, considering the fact that
Kelly TOLD LawyerBoy "you can’t" because "I don’t want you
to." And LawyerBoy grovels and says "But honey, I told Patrick that I
wouldn’t do such a selfish thing as give him sperm that is rightfully
yours!" And Kelly snips "Yeah, you big meanie, and you told him I was
the reason why!" And LawyerBoy utters the Call to Arms in Kelly Taylor’s
world: "This is not about you Kelly." Which Kelly refutes immediately,
because of COURSE it’s about her! And she claims "It wouldn’t’ve been
if you had protected me … now I’m the bad guy, I’m the reason your brother
isn’t going to live happily ever after!" Like, Gawd DAMN, how much of a
bitch could you BE, Kelly? That one sentence contains more issues than a three
year subscription of People magazine. And Chumley Lawyer Boy blusters "what
did you want me to do, my darling pet?" And Kelly-
God help me, Kelly says (SHOUT OUT! SHOUT OUT!) "I
would’ve taken responsibility" … which she says means
he would’ve "lied"! But it’s okay, because she would’ve
done it "for you, for us, for the TEAM" which is
Hillster Credo Numero Uno, isn’t it? And then Kelly basically
tears apart LB’s and Patrick’s relationship by insisting Patrick
only said nice things to LB "probably just to get you
to say yes!" Like, how nice that after a day and a half,
she’s fully enlightened to the twisted workings of LB’s brother.
And LB protests some more, but Kelly’s on a roll unlike anything
I’ve seen before as she storms "You act like I told you
not to give him a kidney or something!" And they shout
at each other some more before LB shakes his head and says:
"You talk about responsibility…. How ‘bout you take some?"
AND WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS?!
Excuse me, while I go shriek with hysterical laughter for several
Okay. This was, perhaps, my proudest shout-out moment of all time. A moment
of silence please?
So Kelly pouts and huffs and quivers and blinks back tears, abandoned and
misunderstood there on the porch of Casa Non-Walsh
And then Gina, with her Dorothy in The Land Of Oz hair shows up at Super
Sports Channel Guy’s house. And she musta upped her dosage of Paxil because
she giggles and chirps and talks about how much "progress" she’s
made with Michael. But Super Sports Channel Guy reveals and we get a special
earring cam shot to emphasize that Gina is a wicked influence on his
undisciplined son, and she’s thus out of a job. And Gina dumps Michael on his
ass and instead kisses his dad’s… but to no avail. And Super Sports Guy
really looks like Greg Brady, doesn’t he?
And over at Casa Non-Walsh, Janet: BJNW is continuing to go ballistic about
the Darby thing and comes gallumphing into the kitchen, evidently still trying
to get details straight, and demands "You claim that you don’t
remember sleeping with Darby when you interviewed her, right?"
Janet, face facts: you willingly married and had a baby with Steve
Sanders, a walking STD Factory. I swear, I think Simon LeBon has more respect
for women than Steve Sanders.
And (oh God, I can’t do this on a full stomach…) Janet actually wants
specifics on what Noah said that made Steve remember; she wonders (because she’s
"just curious") "… what did Noah say to you that made you
remember?" (As if that isn’t the most contrived set-up dialogue since
that abysmal appearance by Keri Strugg in which David makes a
supposedly-to-no-one comment about winning a gold medal blah blah blah segueing
into their Big Scene together, which had to be the single worst guest appearance
on any TV show in the history of television ever.) And then Steve… Steve
claims it was… and I’m turning green just relating this one "a
hickey, okay… shaped like Idaho… it’s kinda like her trademark."
And, boys and girls, we have a winner! Once again, Steve Sanders has won the
award for The Stupidest Thing Uttered On Tonight’s Episode! But don’t give
him a hand, folks… you know what he’d do with it, Penis Boy that he is….
So then Darby comes in and Janet fires her, with the reason that "I can’t
have someone caring for my child that I don’t trust… You weren’t
honest!" And I just want to interject here… um, Janet? THEN WHY DID YOU
HAVE A CHILD WITH STEVE SANDERS? WHY DID YOU MARRY STEVE SANDERS?! Good
God in Heaven, girl! And then Steve, of course, has to stroke his (stop!) ego by
pressing Darby to admit she had sex with him back in college… with this cocky
grin on his face, no less. And Janet REALLY confuses the poor girl when she
sniffs "Does the word IDAHO refresh your memory?" And maybe
Janet should’ve tried a more logical and realistic allusion to jog Darby’s
memory, like "Quick Draw McGraw" or "Speedy Gonzales" or
"sexist pig" or "genital warts" or "tufts of nose
hair" or "The Ego Has Landed!" or something…. And the nanny
storms out (without bothering to pack or take anything with her, when she
supposedly lives there), after telling Steve to "keep your fantasies to
yourself!" and Steve… Steve is positively gobsmacked that she doesn’t
remember doing him and… actually whines to HIS WIFE JANET about the fact that
"he was forgettable" to a woman that he’d had meaningless sex with
and forgotten. And he sulks and starts eating a sandwich and Janet stares at him
incredulously…. Janet, remember that cutesy comment about "trial
separation" you tossed out earlier? Now’d be the time, you silly ass.
And then at Now Whore This, Donna tells Davy who is again just loitering
uselessly that Etherized Kramer bought "almost the entire
collection" of sweaters (how many sweaters could she design in a week?)…
"without even a kiss goodnight?" marvels Davy, which is pretty much
the crux of all Hillster Relationships, huh? And Donna demurs and then finally
blurts "Oh who’m I kidding I kissed someone to sell my sweaters how
pathetic is that?!" And, having seen Donna’s kissing technique… and her
sweaters… I think we all know the answer to that one, don’t we? And Davy
tells her… "not that a peck from you wouldn’t be worth it" which
sent my stomach, already agitated from the whole Steve Sanders thing, right over
the edge. And Davy assures Donna that Etherized Kramer wouldn’t buy the
sweaters if he couldn’t make money on them and that "Your honor is
intact." And then Camille shows up for her movie date with Davy, which
confuses Donna. And Camille reveals that "David gave me some great stuff
for the article" and Davy yodels "I know everything!" in relation
to Donna. And, yeah, they’ll be back together in a matter of weeks at this
point. And Camille, trying to make Donna jealous, drags Davy off by the arm,
leave Donna "Alone Again, Naturally."
I’m SO FUCKING SICK of Gina and Dylan and Gina and Dylan’s fukt
relationship from hell. The only thing more hiddy than them interacting was Gina’s
pleather snakeskin-print halter top. (Gina, if you don’t want to see Dylan,
WHY DO YOU HANG OUT AT THE PPAD?) And Gina’s Victim Du Jour blather includes
the fact that she never went to a dance or her prom because her mom pushed her
and she had to train all the time. And she concludes that "the kid always
suffers, you know? No you don’t know, forget it" and walks off, leaving
Dylan staring into space, brooding, and perhaps wondering if his Childlike Self
is lurking somewhere in the dark corners of the club, awaiting comfort.
And, since they’re out a nanny, Janet and Steve have roped Patrick and
JulieAnne into babysitting while they go out. Which, of course, a childless
couple is AWLAYS just THRILLED to do. And Kelly comes over looking for Matt blah
blah blah JulieAnne understands blah blah blah Kelly says it’s nothing
personal blah blah blah Patrick cooing to Maddy blah blah blah… and Kelly
sulks and pouts and looks conflicted when JulieAnne talks about "things you
can’t control" and all that stuff that hits so close to home with Kelly
And at the Peach Pit, Gidget’s Niece’s Brother is announcing to all and
sundry that "A very pissed off dealer’s breathing down my sister’s
neck!" and Gidget’s Niece pretends to cry and they whine about needing
money from Dylan. And Noah cops some ‘tude, and, when GNB says "Do you
have any family?" Noah says "a brother and a half sister" …And
wouldn’t one just say "brother and sister" and not mention all the
halves, unless pressed for specifics? And GNB really needs to get a hobby or
something. I love my brother, but I’d strangle him if he hung all over me that
much. Eyew. And then there’s this pathetic, badly acted bit where GNB says
"I LOVE MY SISTER VERY MUCH!" Like, yeah, we noticed, Quentin Compson. "And
if something were to happen to her… I MIGHT HAVE TO LASH OUT… you know,
redirect my ANGER!" And Noah gets excited at the thought of kinky sex and
tries to further explore this potential master-servant relationship by goading
"are you threatening me?" And then, after this altercation, Noah cops
‘tude some more and reminds them that he was their last chance… "but
after that STOOOPID outburst… you lost that chance! Have a nice day."
Please, God, let them kill Noah. Let Noah die. DIE NOAH! DIE! PAINFULLY!
And then… Etherized Kramer OF COURSE shows up at 7250 Yeah Right Blvd., OF
COURSE bearing offerings of flowers because OF COURSE he’s got such a mad
crush on Donna and OF COURSE wants to know if she’s free for dinner AND
blathers about planetarium and tries to pin Donna down for a date and OF COURSE
is gooning over her and OF COURSE is so hot for Donna and Donna lets him down
gently and tries the "I’m a busy working girl" excuse and finally
even says (how professional of her) "If you want to cancel the order, I
understand." As if, you stupid bint, you’re admitting to HIM AND YOURSELF
that the only reason you went out was to sell your stupid sweaters! But OF
COURSE Etherized Kramer doesn’t want to cancel and OF COURSE he tells Donna
how talented she is and fawns and goons over her some more. But then… then he
says "Even if you do have terrible taste in men." WHICH IS CONCLUSIVE
PROOF THAT DONNA AND DAVY ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER! And the OF COURSE Etherized
Kramer looks all sad and heartbroken as he walks away. And Donna actually … um…
makes a pouty face at his back and drill-revs out her nose before doinging back
to the store.
And back at the store, Davy IS ONCE AGAIN just hanging out and babysitting
the place, and reassures Poor Donna that, don’t worry, she’s "going
to meet the perfect guy and live in the perfect house and have perfect kids and
everything’s going to be disgustingly perfect!" Yup, guys, they
should be mackin’ down on each other within a couple episodes, now. And Donna
insist that this perfection has to happen "SOON, right?" because not
only is Davy clairvoyant, but she’s really getting almost too old to hope for
the perfect guy and house and kids now that she’s, what, 23? 24? And then
Donna wants to "just blow off the day" and close up the store and go
to the beach with Davy. Like, that’s the attitude that will make your store a
success, Donna. Just ask Kelly. And…as if her store’s lease doesn’t
REQUIRE THAT SHE BE OPEN FOR A CERTAIN NUMBER OF HOURS A CERTAIN NUMBER OF DAYS
A WEEK!? I remember talking to the owner of the family-run dry cleaners that I
used to take my stuff to back in San Diego, and, when they’d planned a big
family week-long vacation, they just unthinkingly put a "we’re out of
town for a week" sign on the store and closed shop. And when they got back,
they discovered that it was a violation of their lease at the shopping center,
because they were supposed to be open and operating for standard business hours
seven days a week (unless there was an emergency), and they got stuck with these
huge fines as a result. But I guess Donna’s above that sort of thing. Or she
can pay for any pesky fines with the same stash that finances her beach condo or
Davy’s bungalow or Steve and Janet’s newspaper…. But, anyway, Davy can’t
because he’s going out with Camille, and Donna’s all put out and rejected.
Do I have to talk about the Utter Stupidity of Steve and Janet at the
merry-go-round in Santa Monica and Janet again trying to rationalize being involved with a troll
like Steve and reassure him ABOUT HIS PERFORMANCE?! Gawd. And Janet makes
comments about the new Guatemalan nanny … and her Salvadorian backups. And I
believe government officials have gotten into trouble making comments like that,
Janet. So anyway, they have this big scene in front of the merry-go-round. And
the merry-go-round provides a complex symbol of their relationship… on the
surface it seems like a cheerful and childlike delight… but essentially it is
a pointless journey that never goes anywhere, just stays there, expending its
energy on up-and-down round-and-round motion that proves useless in the end.
Just like Steve and Janet.
And, ready that shout-out meter, because at LB’s office, where I guess LB
is no longer on vacation, Kelly comes in and announces that she’s been
thinking a lot and the part that stands out the most is "when you said that
it’s not about me" and "It affects me, it changes my life, it
complicates my world… but it’s not about me, it’s about you." And
based on what Kelly just said, can we really be convinced that she believes it
isn’t about her? It’s like the commentator I heard a couple weeks ago,
bitching about a speech given by potential presidential candidate Donald Trump,
complaining that The Donald said "I" too much, focusing on himself,
not the country. But the commentator then proceeded to say "I think… and
I believe… and it’s my interpretation" and just undermined himself by
doing the same exact thing that he said was so ineffective about Trump, pretty
much canceling out his whole point.
So Kelly takes all these deep breaths and chews her lip and bravely
continues. She says, and I’m not exaggerating, "I HAVE
RESPONSIBILITIES. I NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT
There is a God.
And LB wants to know if she’s here to "take responsibility for saying
no" to his brother, but Kelly says "I’m here to take responsibility
for saying yes." Number of times my pet phrase, "take
responsibility," has been used in this scene alone: 4 And LB wants to know
if Kelly’s "sure" and Kelly claims she is but she’s making those
sad pathetic KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT! faces and pouting over his shoulder when
he hugs her. So, hopefully, LB and Kelly will be finished and over in a matter
of weeks, too.
And then Gina blah blah blah shows up to take Michael to
the dance blah blah blah lectures Mr. Super Sports Channel
Guy about disciple and love and pressure and freedom and her
mom and criticism GINA ACTUALLY SAYS HER MOM’S PRESSURE TURNED
HER, GINA, INTO "a self-hating… co-dependent… bulimic…
And not only has Gina just used, in once sentence, more Psychology than Kelly
Taylor packed into 4 years of school, she also has repeated my favorite
descriptions of her… and used yet another Rant buzzword
("co-dependant") that I’ve said here more times than I can count.
There is a God, and He’s listening.
And Gina is now officially a Hillster because she has Rescued an Other who
Needs her and shown Mr. Super Sports Channel Guy the Light and Changed his whole
Life. So, congratulations, Gina, and welcome to the Elite. Now, how much longer
until you leave, huh?
And at Dysfunction Junction, Kelly’s moping on the couch and Donna comes
moping in the door and the say these really sad "hi"s to each other.
And Donna goes to her room and Kelly follows, despite the fact that Donna’s
dialing the phone, to "read you something." And OF COURSE it’s more
praise of Donna, this time in the form of the magazine article that has somehow
already been written and published. Um, don’t most magazine articles have to
be written weeks in advance to make printing/publishing/delivery deadlines?
And Donna’s whining about not wanting to hear about how things’ve changed
and "I’m alone at the store I’m alone at night I’m alone all the
time." Wah wah wah wah… how tough is must be to be Donna. But Kelly
cajoles, and then reads the latest Spin Doctoring of Donna Martin: "In
addition to being incredibly talented, Donna Martin is funny and kind and
devoted to the friends she grew up with. Maybe one of the reason her designs
seem so genuine is because that is the perfect word to describe the designer
herself." Like the skimpy tank tops and sweaters and stuff somehow reflect
Donna’s devotion to her friends? Anyway, Donna plays modest and then outs with
the most important factor: "Did she mention I was single?!" And Kelly
assures her "When guys get done reading this article we’re going to have
to get an unlisted number!" Because, yeah, Donna, that’s the way to meet
men… hope that they call you after reading an article in a fashion magazine.
And Kelly, Donna pointed out earlier that only 3 straight guys read this
particular magazine. Ha ha. Yeah. Donna sure is funny.
And then Kelly coos "It’s weird… how easy it is to forget what’s
so great about your best friend!" And they whine about not seeing each
other and how they promised this wouldn’t happen and I just wish they’d
hurry up and break into that maudlin song about "And friends are friends
forever" that we had to sing at every high school commencement.
And Gina does her good deed of the day and takes fat lil’ Michael to the
school dance and encourages him to dance with the girl he has a crush on and
seals Michael’s new-found popularity because he brought A Hot Chick to the
dance (which, if I was 13-year-old Nicole, would’ve given me fits of
insecurity to last well into senior year). But Gina’s taught Michael an
important Hillster lesson: a hot, sexy date can solve all of your problems and
make you a better man. And then… for some reason… Dylan shows up at the
dance to surprise poor, abused, white-trash "I never went to a prom"
Gina Kincaid. And first of all, how did Dylan even find out that there WAS a
dance, much less that Gina’d be going there? And second, no school I went to
would… just allow random people to come in. You had to have a student ID and a
ticket. If not, you were trespassing. And I am so so so so so sick of this
stupid stupid stupid stupid Dylan and Gina non-relationship. They make LB and
Kelly seem, well… Okay, never mind.
And then at the PPAD, Noah’s got his car alarm turned on even though his
car window is down and somehow doesn’t even notice the Big Black Van that’s
parked behind his car. And GNB and his Crony break the windshield just for
effect, mind, because the other windows are down and force Noah at gunpoint
out of the car and into that black van that’s parked blocking his car that he
somehow didn’t notice before. And Noah… Noah says to GNB… "Better not
drop that gun, man"…? Ah, don’t you mean "You better drop that gun
now!" or something, you dough-head? Jeepers! So anyway, they hustle Noah off
to hold him for ransom or something.
Please… let Noah die! Die! DIE, NOAH!
And in two weeks, according to the previews, "One will love!" and
Dr. John begs Gina to "call me Dad… I’d be so honored!" as if,
yeah, that’ll fix everything. And "One will lose!" as Dr. John’s
apparently had another heart attack and Donna freaks, screaming ‘DADDY?
DADDY?" and nearly takes him out with her boobs as she lurches over him.
And "One will rise!" which, I guess means once again we have to deal
with Moral Dilemmas and Dylan McKay, whom Skeevy Stevie calls "a
superhero" (whatever). And "One will fall" and, ah, delight of
delights, there’s Noah, chained like a monkey. And I’m far too happy with
the sight of the van blowing up, hoping that Noah’s in it. But I’m sure what’ll
happen is, like, Noah will save Dylan or something before the van blows, and
then have a Big Sad Tragic Exit from Hillsterland back to Hawaii or to be with
his mom or something lame.
Please, die, Noah! DIIIIIEEEEEE!
|:BACK TO RANTS: