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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:APRIL 4, 2000
"The Easter Bunny"
April 4, 2000

So first off, I want to laud and magnify Heath, the mighty and wise individual who won the last Rant contest by properly translating the Commanche Indian word "suvate" as "that’s all" or "it is finished," and a word I only use when I REALLY mean that I’ve REALLY have enough. So Heath, check yer mailbox, hon... a passel o’ 90210-related goodies are on their way!

I actually got to make a trip to my 90210 "supplier" this week to stock up on tchotchkies... as well as carousing all over NYC... because my oldest friend in the world, "Number One," came to visit for a week... hence the delay of this week’s rant. I figgered taking Number One to chow at kewl restaurants and check out some of the shows and plays and shops and museums and sights instead of toiling at the computer, even for a cause as noble and worthy as 90210, was far more important. But he actually valiantly rose to a challenge, and not only accompanied me to my Greenwich Village haunts to collect 90210 Stuph, he even sat through this week’s episode with me, painful though it was. Afterwards, we happily switched over to Felicity, where I cheered and whooped and hollered in delight (no, not just at that dumb-but-adorable boy Ben) to see the Morning After pill being the central subject. As mentioned previously, the contrast between 90210 and Felicity couldn’t’ve been more pronounced... even the drunken Fight Boy thingie between Ben and Knoll didn’t reach the levels of Complete and Total Stupidity of our own gang from Beverly Hills. Painful.

And speaking of painful... oh gads... WHY do we have to open with this pre-show special feature of Tori Spelling chirping "do YOU remember the Prom?" and then a whole bunch of clips of Donna drunk and shaking her grody, scrawny body with her straining-at-the-seams boobies about to pop over the top of her strapless gown….? I mean, of COURSE it wouldn’t be, like, do we remember Dylan and Kelly being all moony or Brandon and Ohndrea deciding to go together and thinking about Doing It or Steve and Celeste or Brenda in her hot, short dress giving her beefy football chump date the straight-up about how she wasn’t going to sleep with him. Oh no. The Prom – indeed, these final shows, the whole of 90210, every single thing that’s ever happened – is memorable in the fact that it showcased Donna-Tori! And as if to prove the point that Donna and Tori are, if not essentially the same (one being a more wish-fulfillment version of the other), then at least pretty damned close to being Identical Ingenues, Tori pretends to be embarrassed and giggles "I think EVERYBODY remembers the Prom!" and buries her face in her hands, as if she DOESN’T think that she was the World’s Greatest Thespian and Method Acting Genius by improvising how to "act" drunk by spinning around and around to make herself dizzy before the cameras started rolling, and about how she’s trying to send out a RILLY important message here about underage drinking (i.e. it’s bad to get drunk when a teacher has actually TOLD you not to and if you act foolish in public.... Getting drunk and acting foolish with your boyfriend or friends, though, is cute. Then it doesn’t matter if you’re underaged or not.), and about how she "does Comedy"…. Yes, Tori, we know, we know, WE KNOW! Now STOP it, silly girl! You aren’t convincing anyone. So shut up. And then a deep voice-over intones "How will you say good-bye?" Uh, with a party and a big pot of cheese...? And then he reminds us of what has become my mantra: "There are only five episodes left!" FIVE! Okay. Five, guys. I can do this. All we have to do is get through this. Our friendship is the most important thing-

Awright, I’m done. Honest.

So of COURSE we open at 7250 Yeah Right Blvd., because after our copious complaining about how no one ever seems to have actual JOBS to do, now we’re being beat over the skull with how Hardworking and Dedicated a Careerwoman Donna is. Yes, we know, WE KNOW! So, there’s Sad, Lonely Donna toiling away, because if a woman is always at work, it means that she doesn’t have anyone who loves her, and has to sublimate her energies into something else, some other activity. And work will do just fine. Anyway, Davy comes a-swaggering in, with his hair in Justin Timberlake Top Raman (tm someone on Hissyfit) curls, and he and Donna ONCE AGAIN engage in the same old tedious dialogue about how he hasn’t been around blah blah blah. Yes, Donna, yes, Davy, WE GET IT! Donna loves Davy! Davy loves Donna! They love each other soooo much that they can’t actually DO anything about it, but just make pointless dialogue to cover up their real feelings. Because I guess when you REALLY love someone, your interactions with that person turn into, like, Waiting for Godot or something. And while they stare at each other and Donna launches into this scenes cacophony of Sad, Sticky Lip Moues, Camille Desmond, that big, fat, nasty inconvenience standing in the way of True Luv, comes doinging in, announcing "I ran into Frank from the Big&Tall store... he got you that wool that you ordered online." Um? Does that mean that the Big&Tall store is somehow doing deliveries, too? Is Camille intimating that there’s some Big&Tall store that specializes not in Big&Tall clothes, but rather in ordering bulk fabrics? Or are even big, oversized lunkhead guys soooo enamored of Donna that they’ll work toward her clothing cause by fetching her fabric orders for her? And then Camille has to go and kiss Davy and coo to him, which in the Real World is no biggie, you know, a girl kissing her boyfriend. But in Hillsterland, Camille is a big ol’ mean nasty bitch, doing that kind of thing where Donna can see her because we ALL know that DONNA REALLY LOVES DAVY! Camille’s just, like, TOTALLY twisting the knife, the evil trollop! She doesn’t DESERVE to be Donna’s friend and partner! What a skank! What a bitch! What a whore!

And Davy looks uncomfortable, and pulls away from Camille to ask Donna (who’s sighing and making more Sad, Sticky Lip Moues) "You do a lot of ordering off the Internet?" And Donna’s still too Hurt and Traumatized to answer, so Camille chirps "Oh yeah, practically everything! She saves a fortune on sales tax." And, what, Camille, I’m sure Donna’s so talented and special that those shipping charges don’t mean diddly squat…? And first of all, why would Donna order fabric by the bulk herself instead of, say, having the manufacturer(s) who actually sew her store’s stock do that for her (after she sees samples first)…? And I personally can’t fathom a designer who would buy fabric without seeing/touching/working with it in person. But what do I know? Anyway, and of COURSE Donna’s got some fantabulous new idea, being the amazing and talented and savvy creature she is... she’s "thinking of starting a web site for the store." Wotta genius idea! Of COURSE she is! And Camille announces "Donnamartinoriginals.com... Cool California Clothes made available with the click of a mouse!" Which does have a certain ring to it... more so than "dwanollah.com... ranting is my life!" or "dwanollah.com… embrace the cheese!" And Camille is so in awe of Donna’s amazing idea that she’s basically oblivious to Donna and Davy just staring at each other again. And Davy says "If you’re really serious, I know a great web designer!" I’m kinda expecting he’ll point her to Danny Drennan’s web stuff here at Mediarama. And then Camille coos to Davy about how he’s "TOO perfect!" while Donna makes pissy jealous faces and raises her eyebrow all snotty-like. Yeah, what a fucking bitch that hag Camille is for saying sweet things to her boyfriend, just KNOWING how you feel about him, huh, Donna? Luckily for Donna, Camille doings off to get coffee. And the second she’s alone with Davy, she says all pointedly "Sooo... you two are... good?" And Davy makes an unenthusiastic face and goes "Eeaaauuuhhyeah... you know" which makes Donna smirk with glee and chastise him some more for not "coming by" while making more Sad Faces combined with passive-aggressive "I’m just kidding" smiles. And Davy says he was "just trying to keep a respectful distance" to which Donna protests "From what?!" with passive-aggressive "I’m just kidding" disbelief. And Davy explains that Camille’s "still a little weird about us" and Donna protests that it’s "ridiculous." But considering that Donna and Davy have both admitted to themselves and to their friends that they haven’t "gotten over" each other and still "care for" each other and all that other crap, this continued pretending to each other that their "just friends" is not only really stupid, but really deceitful and downright mean and disrespectful to Camille, too. So shut up. And then Davy gives Donna the business card with the web guy’s (because it wouldn’t be a GIRL would it?) info, and sighs "I gotta go" because it’s all that mean old nasty jealous Camille’s fault anyway, and Donna sighs "Bye" at his retreating back and makes more Sad Sticky Lip Twitches. You wanna see all my bruises from being beaten senseless with the 90210 Plot Stick?

And there are only four shows after this one – the equivalent of about a month and a half in Hillsterland – and in that short amount of time, Davy’s going to dump Camille, get back together with Donna, and the two of them are going to decide to get married....? Ah, well, marry in haste, repent in leisure.

And over at Dysfunction Junction, Kelly Taylor and her chumpy faux Brandon placeholder LawyerBoy are acting like an old married couple stereotype, in reading in bed together in Kelly’s Rose-Colored Bedroom. And Kelly suddenly announces "I know what’s going on" ... why LB’s "been so distant lately." And Kelly splutters in wet earnestness with rosebud lips all squonchy and dew-drop eyes all wide about how they "have to talk" and she "should’ve told you the truth right away." And in an amazing and unique plot twist (unlike any other thing we’ve ever seen before, not just on 90210, but in television in general), it turns out that LB’s been acting distant and standoffish and all that because he’s wracked with guilt about boffing Emily Valentine at the Sweatlodge Rave, but Kelly has mistaken it for his anger at her... because she borrowed his car when he was away "and kinda... sideswiped a parked car... um... but, you know, there’s just a big dent on the- on the passenger side-"


And this little plot has more holes than a pair of three-year-old underwear that got attacked with a weed-whacker. I mean, first off, LB’s car got repo’d last month. I guess he really MUST be some kind of superhero, ‘cos here he’s driving an Invisible Car. Second, in, what, at least a week, he hasn’t noticed a big dent in his Invisible Car? And Kelly actually didn’t say anything because she didn’t think he would *notice* a big dent in his Invisible Car. And third, LB’s making it crystal clear not only that he has NO idea what Kelly’s baby-talking about during this whole interlude, but he’s responding to her every statement with those oh-so-subtle-and-original rebuttals of "why I’D be mad?" or "what YOU’VE done?" which screams I’VE BEEN SEXUALLY INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! at full volume.... I mean, the only thing more obvious would, like, to put a billboard up on the 101 or Sunset Boulevard announcing "LawyerBoy Had Sex In The Desert With A Bike Betty!" And fourth, Kelly doesn’t even pick up on this? At all? A little? As nosy and intrusive as she is? The supposed psych major? Yup. WHY?!

So shield your heads, boys and girls! The writers are swooping in with their big ol’ Plot Bludgeons because they don’t believe that WE GET IT ALREADY! Oh no, Kelly has to pout and coo and sqwinch up her lips and widen her eyes and baby-talk while LB makes comments about how "so the car has a few scratches... big deal... who doesn’t?" (*Ow!* OW!! Okay, stop! We get it! Honest!) and Kelly starts kissing all over him with wet earnestness, cooing about how "smart and kind and understanding" he is. And then FINALLY Kelly gets a small, itty bitty teeny little clue and asks "If you didn’t know about your car, then why’ve you been acting so weird lately?" And Brandon II, still brooding about having passed off the watch that Emma gave him after boffing him as Kelly’s Christmas gift, says "You know, work, money, the usual crunch." Because that’s what boys do in Stereotypeland... they cheat on their partners and they worry about money and making a living. And Kelly nestles her daffodil-golden-streaked head on his chest and pets him and gazes at him all sweetly and coos that "everything’s going to be okay." And LB says with Brandonesque Great Concern "I hope so." And Kelly chirps "It is...I promise!" and makes more wet kisses on him while Brandon II tries "Kelly, uh, I should probably tell you-" But Kelly shushes him because she’s decided she’s horny, and so LB is obligated to doink her instead of telling her he doinked someone else.

Respectful, huh? Not to mention TOTALLY safe. But, as everyone around here knows, you don’t need to worry about STDs if you’ve had sex with someone other than your partner... no, you only catch STDs if you’re working in a dirty, icky, contagious place like an AIDS hospice or if you have a deliberate revenge fling with an intravenous drug user because you’re self-destructive.

In this day and age... after everything we’ve seen in the past... after all of that... people still don’t realize that "just one night" or "one slip-up" or "one mistake" is something that has far-reaching repercussions? Okay, so I won’t start preaching or anything, but I’ll mention that yesterday, The Husband-Type Man and Number One and I went to see the Arthur Miller play staring Patrick Stewart, A Ride Down Mt. Morgan. The crux of the story is that this older man, Lyman Felt, has been in an automobile accident, and, as a result, it comes out that he’s been living this double-life with two wives. Wife 1 is innocently assuming he just has a lot of work at the Connecticut office, and younger Wife 2 is under the impression that Lyman divorced his first wife before marrying her nine years ago. And in one scene, Wife 2 remembers a time not long after she and Lyman married when they came to NY and stayed in a hotel just a few blocks away from his home with Wife 1, and Lyman actually takes Wife 2 walking by the house where Wife 1 is reading in the living room. Lyman finds a way to convince Wife 2 to go back to the hotel, he pops in on Wife 1, has a quick boff, and then skips back to the hotel to boff Wife 2. He rationalizes it because he supposedly loves both of them so much. But Wife 2, remembering that time, tells him that no... no matter what he says, he must have hated her, hated both of them, to do such shitty thing like that.

So LB’s willing to doink Kelly, even though I’d be willing to bet fifty bucks that he didn’t dash off to the doctor’s office for a quick check-up after having sex with Bike Betty.

And after the opening credits that are already promoting next month’s leave-taking, we see a pan from the Casa Walsh driveway to the House Next Door (the one where the Black Popcorn Family lived ‘way back when...?). And-

And do I really have to devote time and energy to the total and complete lameness that is Skeevy Stevie Sanders and his wife, Mrs. Asian Claire Sanders? Suffice it to say, they’ve made the acquaintance of their new suburban-posh neighbors, who bear a striking resemblance to the Ned Flanders family, without the overt Christianity. Either that, or based on Mr. Flanders’s bright yellow sweater vest and button-down shirt, they’re the embodiment of what will happen if Kelly and LawyerBoy get married. Anyway.... Neighbors. Snooty. Kids. Pet bunny. Sanderses dogsitting. Doberman. Easter Egg Hunt. Tabloid. Celebrity Nose Jobs story. (Poor, poor Tori....) "Buh-bye." SHUT UP! But I think we should take the fact that Snooty Suburban Wife properly pronounces "Pulitzer" as a major Mediarama shout-out.

And speaking of shout-outs, after the several times that I complained about the sleeping arrangements at the Homeslice House, in the next scene, Noah takes us on a little tour of the two bedrooms, under the guise of looking for Ellen-Sarah-Betty... whom, in true Hillster Girl spineless fashion, is prostrate in the bathroom. And the only thing more annoying than watching Donna earnestly sweet-talk Noah about his self-worth is watching Noah sweet-talk Sarah-Betty-Ellen about how she’s "gonna do great" and her new boss "needs" her and all that.

Really, this plot was preferable to Noah painfully and messily offing himself?

Anyway, so, as I said, Noah barges into the bathroom...without knocking ... to find his poor, pathetic, completely inept, painfully insecure fellow alcoholic new love interest sitting on the bathroom floor, weeping. And Betty-Ellen-Sarah babbles "I can’t do this!" and Noah mumbles "Aw, yer jus’ nervous i’s yer firs’ day" and Sarah-Ellen-Betty babbles "He’s gonna hate me!" and Noah mumbles "Uh no, he’snot gonna hate you... yer doin’ this guy a big favor. Hey." And he grabs her chin while she wipes tears. "He nee’s YOU!" And she scoffs "Oh, he needs ME?" And Noah mumbles "Yeah, he nee’s YOU!" And she rolls her eyes. And he mumbls "’sisa real job! You know, no more temp work... I knew y’ hate that." (Ouch!) Shut up, Noah! And Betty-Sarah-Ellen rolls her eyes some more and cries some more and wipes away more tears and acts pathetic some more, and I’d say she was, like, reaching around to rip out and offer up her spine to Noah at this point, but I suspect she never had one to begin with. I guess that saves 90210 all that messy de-spining cost, huh? And she whines "Why are you doing this for me?" And Noah earnestly pets her head and mumbles "’Cosa wan’ to." And Ellen-Betty-Sarah rolls her eyes some more and sighs some more and looks put-upon some more and announces "Well... there’s a lot of pressure in that, you know? I mean, me not wanting to let you down, Noah! I’m not good with pressure!" Jayzus. Where did they dig this one up?

Say. Maybe if Noah reeeeaaaally pressures her, she’ll snap, and then bash him upside the head with a bottle and stomp on his esophagus… or freak out behind the wheel and send them both careening as if foreordained off Mulholland Drive… or try to aim a gun at her head but end up blowing Noah’s brains out when he tries to wrestle the gun from her....

It really isn’t healthy to want Noah to die so bad, is it?

Anyway, El-Bet-rah is, like, the perfect match for Noah, because her mumbling is barely coherent as they have some conversation about him driving her to work and her thinking he’s making sure she isn’t going to stop off at the nearest bar... at least, that’s the best I could make out. And Noah keeps telling her "Iz gonna be alright" as if she’s a mentally deficient 8-year-old... which, from the looks of this, ain’t too far from the truth. And again, then Sar-El-ty is, like, the perfect match for Noah.....

So over at the Peach Pit, LB’s being served a real man’s breakfast, while Kelly has actually gotten a cup of coffee to drink in the restaurant by way of her morning meal. And, after these last several months of my bitching about it, Kelly chirps to LawyerBoy, "You know what? I want us to start planning our wedding!" Aw, ain’t she sweet? I mean, doesn’t it all boil down to what Kelly Taylor wants? And LawyerBoy, chumley chump that he is, goes "Okay." And Kelly goes "No, I’m serious!" Um... I didn’t hear him protesting your plans, Kelly. But, God help us, Kelly continues to babble that the way LB "dealt with" her "smashing up" LB’s car "reminded me of how lucky I am to have you!" Um. And it gets better, folks... "And I want us to get married before you realize how much better you could do." And she giggles and bites her lip really goofily. And of COURSE no Hillster Woman could POSSIBLY be as good as a Hillster Boy- Need I go on? Anyway, LB makes the guilty, cursory protest that, no, HE’S the lucky one! But wait! There’s more! Kelly continues to coo about what qualities of LB’s are most important to her: "A handsome attorney... who’s not a dog... you could have any girl you want." ...Now STOP it, silly girl! You aren’t convincing anyone! So shut up! And... we KNOW! We get it! KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT! Put the Plot-Pommelers away! God, Kelly, SHUT UP! Anyway, LB looks guilty some more and says "Weren’t we talking about the wedding?"

But Kelly perks up because her soulmate Dylan McKay is headed their way, not so much brooding for a change so much as regarding them with wry Rebel Man amusement. And he rasps "Hey, what’s goin’ on?" And Kelly chirps (albeit a touch defiantly) "We were just talking about where we were going to get married. I think it should be in a church." Well, Dyl-head seizes on this, and rasps all sardonically "Oh yeah, definitely... definitely in a church.... I mean, they got that religious stuff, and, uh, there’s a- there’s a confessional half-way down the aisle... it’s a good idea!" Um, Dylie? Only Catholic churches have confessionals, and Kelly’s Protestant. And, granted, I’ve only been in a couple Catholic churches in my life, but the confessionals weren’t "half-way down the aisle" but, rather, at the back. So shut up. And LawyerBoy looks guilty, and, oblivious, Kelly snips at Dylan, "You would think of that." And, in case we didn’t get it in, like, THE LAST SIX EPISODES, Dylan AGAIN utters the kiss-of-death pronouncement on Kelly and LawyerBoy: "I think you guys’ll be very happy." And then he stalks off, trying not to laugh, as LawyerBoy CONTINUES to look all guilty and Kelly just looks at LawyerBoy and purses her strawberry-candy lips and makes squonches and smirks and all that.

Why do all the women on this show have to be SO FREAKING STUPID?!

Speaking of which... over at 7250 Yeah Right Boulevard, some small, dark-haired yet very earnest boy is giving Donna and Camille a run-down of how their web site could work. And there’s a sample screen up for three sample purchases, but this can’t be for the oh-so-exclusive Kalifornia Kewl of Donna Martin Originals, because the total is only $45.99. And Computer Guy is all excited and encouraging about how they give customers online incentives and how they can advertise via banner ads, and Camille is all excited, but Donna... of course St. Donna the Good has to see a web site as, like, a potential Ethical Donna Dilemma; namely, that they can’t possibly advertise a web site until they have oodles of stuff ready to purchase... before they have actually taken any orders. How business-savvy is Donna? And she lectures Camille "if some girl orders a Prom dress and we deliver it three weeks after the Prom then we’re through!" Well, then, Donna, DON’T SELL PROM DRESSES ONLINE JUST YET! Start with simple, easier-to-design/produce goods, or even do what some online clothing places do as, like, incentive, and make a limited amount of a certain garment and then advertise the item on your web site with "only thirty left!" to entice customers to buy and buy now. But instead of pointing out obvious retail facts like this to Donna, Camille just engages in yet another orgy of Donna-Tori Ego Fucking: "Donna, offline, you sell to the women of Beverly Hills... online, you sell to the WORLD!" And Camille, if, in LA County, Donna is only selling to "the women of Beverly Hills," then there’s no way she’s retail-savvy enough to handle an online store. I mean, there are rich, trendy people in Brentwood, in Hollywood, in Santa Monica, even in the Valley... Beverly Hills is but a tiny percentage of your potential market area. So shut up! Anyway, so Donna whines that this online thing is "so speculative" and Camille says "Which is why you shouldn’t put up any of your own money! Luckily people are dying to get in on a good internet investment!" Camille, operative word here is "good." Some exclusive little boutique ain’t it. And this whole time, Computer Guy is of COURSE staring at Donna. And Donna is still treating it all ethically and whining that "Well, if I’m not willing to invest myself, I can’t ask other people to invest for me." Oh yes... Donna is too "good" to have investors! What was it I was saying about Donna being totally business-savvy? And they’re all trying to make it seem like Camille is some unethical, mean, nasty bitch because she wants to look for outside people to invest in this new business venture. Anyway, then she apologizes to the Computer Guy, who’s name is "Mitch," because all Computer Guys have slightly dorky Californiaesque Uncool names like "Mitch" or "Stan" or "Roger" or "Bill".... And, so of COURSE Mitch looks all regretful and Camille looks pissy and Donna looks sad and apologetic and looks down and back up again and sighs because it prolly pains her SO MUCH to cause Mitch and Camille and her potential investors and the WORLD such trauma....

Oh for the love of- Stupid Casa Non-Walsh kitchen. Janet is of COURSE serving the evening meal and is of COURSE bitching, moaning and complaining about how much she thinks Ned Flanders is obnoxious. Why? "Because he doesn’t like tabloids? YOU don’t like tabloids!" says Stevie. Um. And PodJanet the BJNW says "Yes, but I have a constructively critical attitude!" Should I take this as a shout-out toward my continued Ranting on 90210? Or just as a sign that Asian Claire is the most pathetic and hypocritical and rationalizing creature in all of Hillsterland... and that’s saying a lot. And then Steve... I actually have to say this... God bless Stevie, he says "Calling your husband’s ideas moronic is not constructive!"

Gawd damn, one of the healthiest statements ever made about relationships on this show... but it’s meant to be that kute, fuh-nee The Bickersons stereotyping. Haw haw haw.

But Janet the BJNW, little bundle o’ Land Of The Rising Sunshine that she is, responds "Wives can call their husbands morons. Neighbors can not." Ding ding ding ding! We have a winner! Talk about the Stupidest Thing Uttered On Tonight’s Episode... good grief! Shut up, Janet!

Uch. So Stevie makes his big point, which is that they need to kiss Flanders Ass because their daughter goes to some ritzy private school that they might want Maddy to go to. And as if that wasn’t an original enough plot, here comes the Doberman they’re dog-sitting for the Sonsas with the Flanders’ dead pet bunny in his mouth. Wah wah wah waaaah....

And over at the empty PPAD, LawyerBoy... is... um... sitting at the bar, nursing a drink. And Dylan starts down the stairs, and Camille doings in to chirp "Hey, Dylan... can I talk to you?" because she has "a business proposition." Have we ever seen Dylan and Camille even exchange looks before this? And of COURSE we’re meant to think that Camille is Evil and Scheming and Conniving because she’s asking Dylan to invest in "her" online thingie, because she’s an Other, who’s standing in the way of Donna and Davy, and that means that everything she does is Evil and Scheming and Conniving, even though I think every other Hillster has hit Dylan up to finance a business proposition at one time or another. And Dylan rasps "My office, ten minutes" and Camille goons "Thanks!" and doings off to wait in his office for him, because Rebel Man McKay has saving to do.... He, um, goes over to LawyerBoy and cheerfully invites him to a Dodgers’ game: "I figgered we’d go, have a good time...." And LawyerBoy sighs all guiltily "I’ll pass." And Dylan eyes the glass on the bar and says "It’s a little early for you, innit?" And LB gives a goofus laugh and says "This? Water." Oh yeah. LawyerBoy has, for some reason, come to the empty Peach Pit After Dark bar to sit all Poor Eyeore-ing by himself and DRINK A GLASS OF WATER! Anyway, LB acts all sad and guilty for a moment and then says to Dylie, "You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?" And Dylie self-righteously proclaims "No I’m not." And LawyerBoy sighs guiltily and says "You know she’ll leave me if I tell her I slept with someone else." And based on Kelly’s past relationships, namely with Chumley’s doppelganger Brandon, I’d say Dylan’s raspy response "You don’t know that" is pretty accurate. And isn’t it going to be kute and fuh-nee when LB confesses his misdeeds to Kelly, then tracks down Biker Betty for a showdown, and, like, finds out they didn’t actually doink after all…? And then out of the goodness of his heart, he’ll still "let Kelly go" back to Dylan… because Kelly and Dylan are soulmates… just in case we hadn’t already figured that out, you know. And LB sighs and makes guilty some more and asks Dylan "What should I do?" I’d say get tested for STDs, first off. Then tell Kelly what happened. Dork. And Dylan sighs too, puffing out his cheeks like a blowfish, and rasps "I can’t tell you what to do." And then LB asks "What would YOU do?" And Dylan sighs some more and rasps sternly "You’re not me." And we know that Dylan is self-righteously thinking "I wouldn’t’ve slept with someone else in the first place" even though we all know he would and he has. But it only happened when Dylan was really Alcoholic and Drug Addicted and Tragical, so it’s okay.... And then LB sighs guiltily again and begs Dylan "You won’t tell her, would you?" And Dylan rasps "Never." Because despite it all, Hillster (or Mock-Hillster) Boyz stick together, first and foremost. And LB looks at Dylan and Dylan looks at LB and then Dylan picks up LB’s, um, glass of water and walks off with it, for whatever reason. And LB has to sit there dealing with the wet napkin that’s sticking to his hand. Which must be some sort of metaphor for the show or for his new friendship with Dylan or his love for Kelly or something....

Anyway, let’s take a moment to reflect on LawyerBoy’s so-called "fall from grace," huh...? Seriously. If you look at the situation objectively, LawyerBoy didn’t consciously/willingly cheat on Kelly. He didn’t even consciously/willingly go on his little "road/acid trip" either. To really know what I’m saying, let’s just turn it around for a second... if the situation was one of the Hillster Girls who was out at an innocent party, and some strange guy slipped her a liquid-acid cocktail, and next thing she knows, she’s waking up in a sleeping bag with him, there’d be no question: it’d be rape. So in frank actuality, LawyerBoy was – same as Valerie – drugged and date-raped. But because he’s a boy, no one seems to think- no, moreover, IT NEVER OCCURS TO ANYONE that he should feel violated or hurt or creeped out by the thought that his body and his will and his decision-making process was all taken completely out of his hands by a stranger. Moreover, how shitty is Dylan for not doing anything to stop it, for just sitting there and watching the whole thing, with that ironic rebel-man smirk on his creased-foreheaded face, huh? Did it ever occur to any of the writers that this is a potentially controversial subject? That they could’ve (dare I say) broken ground by dealing with a startling and unexpected perspective of date-rape? Oh no... all that matters is finding a way to get Kelly back together with her soulmate. The fuckers. I actually sat awake the other night pondering this and thinking about how crappy this plot is.

So then we get to see Kelly and LawyerBoy coming out of the only big, dark, stone, gothic-y church in Los Angeles County, and Kelly’s chirping all Bridezilla-like about the church and LB’s grumbling that it "seemed cold" … IN CASE WE DIDN’T ALREADY GET IT, huh? Because LB’s betrayed Kelly, huh? And Dylan would never do such a horrible thing, huh? Yeah. So. And Kelly insists that the place just needs flowers, and they should meet with the minister anyway. I guess the PR world is doing without her talents, now that she’s decided she has a wedding to plan, huh? And LB hems and haws that a minister neither of them knows is "impersonal," so Kelly offers up the suggestion of some judge he clerked for, because "he can perform the vows wherever we have the ceremony!" Well, no, Kelly, he can’t. Most churches don’t just allow people to just have weddings there unless the church’s minister is performing the ceremony... or at the very least, some other denominational affiliate. So shut up. And LB continues to whine because not only is he sooooo guilty about his fall from grace, but because we all know that boys hate wedding planning. And put on your helmets, folks, because the writers’re at it again with their Plot Batterers! Kelly starts chirping about how "thoughtful" and "honest" LB’s judge friend is! Guilt by association! So he looks guilty some more, which is pretty much his entire dramatic range for this episode, and makes the excuse that he doesn’t "want to inconvenience" his judge friend. And Kelly of COURSE huffs and stamps and snips "I don’t think that he would see OUR WEDDING as an inconvenience!" Because God knows, it should be an HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE to perform this wedding, right Kelly?! So Kelly’s got her lacy white $75-a-pair panties in a twist and demands to know what’s wrong with LawyerBoy and why he isn’t into planning their wedding now that SHE’S decided it’s the time to do it! And LB insists it’s "my work, it’s my work" but Kelly snips "if it’s preventing you from enjoying this... then you need to deal with it!" And stomps off. Because everyone fights planning their wedding. It’s Kute. It’s Fuh-nee. Well, at least for a change there’s some slight acknowledgment that a groom actually COULD enjoy wedding-planning…. The crumbs, guys, remember. I’ll take the crumbs.

And over at 7250 Yeah Right Boulevard at the Whatever Plaza, Donna is still too modest and ethical to go online with her store, despite what Davy says (and despite the fact that she actually thought it up in the first place). And Camille, who’s been gone "four hours" comes doinging back in bearing a gift: Dylan. He’s "in." And Camille chirps "We’ve been brainstorming all afternoon!" And Davy gets jealous. Because Davy and Dylan fighting over the same girl is a totally fresh and new plot angle on- Oh. Wait. And… even though Davy’s confessed to still loving Donna, he’s not the least bit jealous that Dylan’s taking Donna out to dinner to talk about things. And I’d REALLY like to take Davy’s Justin Timberlake hair as a shout-out to the I-was-doing-it-two-years-before-Together-and-Making-the-Band boy band parody on LWOOE.

Uch. Skeevy Stevie. Pod Asian Claire. Plotting to replace the bunny. Major shout-out in that Skeevy Stevie uses a Dwanollahism and refers to the Doberman as "the ÜberDog." And at this point in the initial show-watching experience, I scared the shit out of Number One by screaming and yelling at the TV maniacally about rip-offs and how much the writers at FOX studios must love me. I think Number One was most frightened by the fact that I was only half-kidding. So shut up, Dwanollah! THEY GET IT!

So. Dinner at the Royale With Cheese Bar with Donna and all of Her Biggest Fans to encourage her to do this web site. And now Davy’s turned Major Killjoy, shooting down ideas and grumbling and making sarcastic asides in the name of "being cautious." And then he all passive-aggressively tells Donna "You have a major decision to make. I’ll let you make it" and stomps off. Like, that’s awful white of him! As if he has ANY business having ANYTHING to do with DONNA’S BUSINESS! So shut up, Davy! Anyway, Camille stomps off after Davy, and then Dylan, calling Donna "Don," gets up and leaves, so that – you guessed it! – Mitch can embark on this scene’s Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest! Donna is charming and moues modestly in his direction. Mitch goons back. "You’re very persuasive! Tee hee!" dimples Donna. "Well, then, can I persuade you to have dinner with me?" I grouse at the TV, scaring Number One yet again. "Can I persuade you to have dinner with me tomorrow?" Mitch of COURSE asks Donna. IS THERE ANY SINGLE GUY IN HILLSTERLAND WHO ISN’T INSTANTLY ENAMORED OF DONNA?! I mean, just for a change of pace, can’t some single guy show up and NOT fall instantly in love with Donna-Tori? Please? And then Donna smiles at Mitch and Mitch smiles at Donna and Donna giggles at Mitch and Mitch smiles at Donna and Donna smiles at Mitch and Mitch smiles- Speaking of needing a change of pace....

And then Camille and Davy are off in the corner of the bar having a bitch-session. And Davy claims he’s pissed not because Camille went to Dylan, but "because you went to ANYONE after Donna asked you not to!" And then Camille points out (rightfully) that she DOES own "a [albeit small] piece of the store." But her voice gets all whiny as she continues that "I do deserve some say!" and Davy lectures "Some, Camille! Some! Not all!" God. SHUT UP! And Camille give the usual "Donna and I disagree and you side with her why am I not surprised" bromide, with is the Donna-Davy version of Dylan’s "You’ll be very happy together" to Kelly and LB... you know, the Signal, the Sign, the Message! WE KNOW! WE SEE! WE GET IT! And Dylan interrupts their fight to tell them that Donna’s "thinking about it" and then leaving so that Camille can LOOK at Davy and Davy can LOOK at Camille and Camille can HUFF at Davy and Davy can HUFF at Camille-

And later that night, in a glorious shout-out after wondering if there’s a bedroom at the Royale With Cheese, We the TV Viewers are treated to a full-bedroom shot of Dylan – cowboy movie (perhaps signifying his Wild West Past Life) on the telly – being woken by a knock at the door. And, in THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, Kelly has shown up at DYLAN MCKAY’S HOTEL ROOM with her hair all fixed in a cute pineapple ‘do, no less, to demand "Did anything... happen... when you and Matt went away? ... I mean, did anything happen with Matt?" Okay, I’m sensing some homoerotic undertones here... like Dylan’s going to rasp "Well, Kelly, he kissed me twice and went for a package-grope, but I told him no" or "I asked him if he would make sweet love to me, but he turned me down." And WHY would Kelly preface this demand by saying with big, earnest dewdrop eyes "I’d like to keep my private life private" especially since SHE HAS JUST SHOWN UP AT DYLAN’S HOTEL ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, instead of, oh, waiting until tomorrow and asking him casually over a drink at the PPAD? Or better yet, MAYBE GOING OVER TO LAWYERBOY’S ROOM AT CASA NON-WALSH AND ASKING HIM?! And WHY would Dylan use a portable/cell phone to call room service to send up coffee for two when 1) even the most run-down of hotel rooms usually have a coffeemaker in them and 2) he kinda needs to be dialing from an actual hotel phone hooked up to a switchboard in order for them to know what room is calling. Unless, like, portable phones are THE hip, contemporary touch in swanky retro-70s hotels like the Royale With Cheese. Anyway, so Dylan rasps about how they "went riding, camped out, met some fellow-travelers" you know, testosterone boy stuff. And then Kelly presses the issue, and Dylan rasps "nothing happened." And Kelly goes "That was a little quick." And Dylan rasps "That’s because nothing happened" while making Ironic Rebel Man Eyebrow Quirks the whole time. Nice guy, Dylan, to lie to the woman he supposedly loves. Because, you know, those Hillster Men gotta stick up for each other, huh? And Kelly huffs and pouts and rolls her eyes around and makes squonchy faces and goes "Okaaaay" all doubtfully. And then Dylan shows her the door, rasping (MAJOR kiss of death!) "Go on back to Matt... the guy you’re going to be disgustingly happy with." Because Dylan loves Kelly so much that he HAS to deceive her! And Kelly goes "Thanks" and leaves. And Dylan closes the flimsy prop door and leans against it, brooding really RILLY hard about who’s going to drink all of that coffee he just ordered.

Oh, for- Okay. Stevie. Asian Claire. Arguing. White bunny. Shoe polish and black paint. Hair dye. Stevie cackling. Let the stupidity roll on. Why haven’t the Flanderses haven’t noticed their rabbit’s missing yet?

And over at Dysfunction Junction, Donna’s wearing a really hiddy long wrap skirt that looks like this yellow print tablecloth I have, along with a screamingly turquoise skin-tight t-shirt, and her fake boobies are all flopping and wobbling around inside her t-shirt and hanging down somewhere around mid-sternum. I mean, Tori, if you had to get them pumped up that much, AT LEAST GET A SUPPORTING BRA TO WEAR WITH THEM! And Donna informs Kelly that "Pastor Talblahblah and two catering companies called. They wanted to know if I’ve set a date yet. So. Have I set a date?" Get it? Donna’ going to be setting a date with Davy soon! Yes! Mere weeks after her daddy died, she’s gonna get back together with her old boyfriend and get married! [Seriously… isn’t that, like, kinda questionable? Suddenly getting married less than a couple months after a parent dies unexpectedly and tragically? At the very least, wouldn’t FELICE think it was questionable?) Anyway, so Kelly says in response "No. But you’re getting serious!" And they giggle. And then Donna queries "Is there anything I can do?" And Kelly chirps "Design the dress. Be my maid of honor. The usual." Ha ha ha. And, given 90210’s general history, I’m surprised they aren’t trying to, like, pretend Kelly’s Non-Wedding Wedding with Brandon never happened. And Donna giggles "I’ll be honored no matter how many times you ask." Because Kelly’s gonna have to ask Donna a THIRD time when she and Dylan decide to do the deed. Get it? And I’m sure with this whole online thing that Donna’s got plenny o’ time to just whip up a couple wedding dress designs for Kelly Taylor’s Wedding! And then Donna announces that tonight, she’s got (of COURSE!) a date with Mitch! And Kelly goes, all judgmental, "You’re going out... with a friend of David’s?" Um, Kelly, considering we’ve never HEARD of Mitch before, don’t worry, they can’t be very good friends. And Donna plays innocent about "what’s wrong with that?" And then Kelly goes WAY over her usual pot-and-kettle log-in-the-eye line and preaches "When you go out with the friend of the guy you reeeaally want to date, it usually ends in disaster!" And for some reason, Donna doesn’t say "Excuse me, Miss Dual Face, Brandon and Dylan much?" or "You should talk, considering Matt and Dylan are all buddy-buddy, and just a couple months ago, you were telling me that even though you were announcing your engagement to Matt you still thought Dylan might be ‘The One’ so SHUT UP!" but instead she, um... Does Comedy. "Oh, no no no no no," chirps Donna "Disaster strikes when I date a guy who’s cute, funny or successful. This guy’s all three, so it’s sure to crash and burn." Um. Well, "Don," looking at, I don’t know, ALL OF YOUR ENTIRE DATING EXPERIENCE, I don’t think you can really back that statement up, unless by "disaster" you mean "it doesn’t work out after a couple dates" and the opposite of "disaster" is when you have a nice, long-term relationship with a guy who just abuses you or cheats on you or steals from you or treats you like complete shit. Or any combination of the previous qualities, with a few extras like drinking, guns, sexual pressure and general selfishness thrown into the mix. And then Donna kinda tacks on "Besides, David’s unavailable." Which, if Kelly would get her own two-faced two-timing head out of her ass, she’d realize is the crux of all this (not that we should expect KELLY to realize it, though). And then Kelly does a Stevie Sanders impersonation and yodels "Maybe he would be if you’d ever tell him how yoooou fee-eel!" Which doesn’t make grammatical sense if she’s responding to Donna’s "David’s unavailable" remark. And Donna grumbles and goes to open the back patio door before there’s a knock on it, and, sure enough, Camille has just "dropped by" to apologize instead of waiting a half-hour or so UNTIL THEY WORK TOGETHER! But Donna’s "glad" Camille "went behind [her] back" because she’s now on board with this whole online thing. And... get this... Camille’s primary concern is that Donna let her know if "everything’s okay between us, because your friendship means more to me than all the tons of money we’re about to make! No, I’m kidding, it means a lot to me." Because in these last couple of months, I’m SURE they’re the BEST of friends, and we all know how IMPORTANT Hillster Friendship is!

And over at 7250 Yeah Right Boulevard, LawyerBoy’s picking up an empty coffee cup from the java place, and Dylan comes swaggering up behind him wearing a rilly hiddy black shirt with white stripes on it to rasp "Hey, Matt? Kelly came to see me last night!" And LB looks startled and suspicious, even, and says "What happened?" And Dylan rasps self-righteously with a lot of self-righteous head-tossing that "She was asking a lot of questions about the trip" because "she says that something’s wrong with you so she’s concerned." Because I’m sure Dylan just REALLY cares about Kelly not getting hurt. And LB goes "Well, you told her nothing happened, right?" And self-righteous Dylan tells LB all accusingly "That’s right, I lied." And chumley LawyerBoy sighs and says "Oy, I gotta tell her." And Dylan glares at LawyerBoy all self-righteously and rasps "You sure do." And LawyerBoy looks as confused as a big, dumb dog that just ran into the sliding glass door and goes "Whadder you talking about, you’re the one that told me not to tell her!" And Dylan goes "Yeah, that’s before I knew you’d walk around looking like a war criminal!" No wait, there’s more. LawyerBoy whines that he "feel[s] guilty!" And Dylan rasps "Yeah, feelin’ guilty’s one thing, lookin’ guilty is something entirely different!" Ah... um... er.... And he continues "Now if Kelly sees you sweatin’, she’s gonna figure it out. That’s the only thing worse than you telling her. Don’t let that happen!" before stomping off. Like, whoa, major ethics, Dylan.

And, as I’ve said before, if this crap doesn’t strike the writers as highly problematic and troublesome, then there’s really nothing I can say, huh?

And over at Casa Skeevy, Stevie and Asain Claire pull a CU prank, which Her Podness thinks is "grounds for divorce!" Honey, you must have grounds for divorce from Stevie Sanders on, like, an hourly basis. And, lovingly, she berates her husband for being "a fool!" Gee. And I was really praying Stevie would break something – like his neck – sliding head-first down the ladder.

And at the PPAD, Davy’s sulking in his DJ booth while Camille and Dylan talk. And it’s a night for Truly Horrifying Cavern Shots as Donna acts charming and demure with Mitch over at the bar. (And the whole time, I’m shrieking in disgust and demanding of Number One, "Isn’t that enough to put a person off tit entirely?!") And Mitch is not only gooning over Donna, but he’s gooning over Davy, who is "next" to be online... because what the world needs is live, streaming audio with Davy Silver at the PPAD. And then Noah mumblingly introduces that night’s special guest, but I can’t understand what he said. Based on appearances, I think it’s Meatloaf, but he’s gone all EZ List’nin. And there’s some Carrot Top look alike in the audience doing some weird dance with his beer. And we get the usual shots of Hillsters Watching Tonight’s Musical Guest. *yawn* And he’s singing something about "Go be young! Go be free!" which Davy takes as his signal to go berate Dylan for monopolizing Camille.

And just when we’d forgotten her, Ellen-Sarah -Betty the alcoholic shows up at the bar to brightly chirp "Hey there, gorgeous!" to Noah and then announce that her first day at work was "Fabulous! Fabulous" because she "set a new record for the most screw-ups in a single day" which basically consists of 1 order getting mixed up. Boy. She wasn’t kidding about not being able to handle pressure. And we thought Gina had bi-polar disorder? And she starts freaking on ol’ Mushmouth: "I wasn’t ready for this! Noah! I told you that! But you knew better!" And this whole time, Donna’s there listening in and making the sympathetic version of her Sad Sticky Lips. And like she ditched Irv or whoever a few weeks ago because she needed to take care of Noah, I’m now expecting her to ditch Mitch because she has to take care of Noah’s new, severely damaged girlfriend, who goes stomping off because she’s so awful and pathetic. And Noah shows his pain and anguish in this scene by taking really deep breaths and touching his thumb and forefinger to his creased forehead at various intervals. Boy. That Vincent Young has QUITE the career ahead of him after 90210, huh? And Donna watches Noah go after El-Rah-Bet and makes a whole bunch more Sad Sticky Lip Moues as she looks up and down and up and down a couple of times. You know. BECAUSE WE PROBABLY DIDN’T GET IT ALREADY!

And, speaking of "we probably didn’t get it already"… well, slam the coffin lid down and nail it shut on Kelly and LawyerBoy, because we precede their Big Discussion with a shot of Breakup Beach. (And I actually snickered "Oooh, Breakup Beach!" and Number One looked at me like I was, I don’t know, weird or something.) And LB does a chumley LawyerBoy version of the hokey pokey as he approaches Kelly’s door, then backs off, and broods a little. But Kelly "was watching" him from the window and doings out to see what’s up, just as chipper as a chipmunk. And LawyerBoy launches into his Big Confession about how "there was this punch...." And Kelly goes "Punch? In the desert?" Oookay. And so LB tells her he was at a rave/party and drank acid-spiked punch. And Kelly gets pissy and snippy and demands "What else?" and they worry that between them like two dingos in the Outback with a rancid bone for a while before LawyerBoy insists "That’s it." And Kelly starts BABY TALKING that "You’ve been distant lately because you drank spiked punch?" Well, considering the damage that even one hit of acid can do, what with flashbacks and bad trips and all that other stuff (just ask any number of my relatives), it’s really not a "tee hee hee" laughing matter, Kelly! Anyway, LB insists all Nice Guy-like "It was keeping a secret from you that bothered me! But now that I told you, I feel so much better!" And Kelly just looks at him with a bemused cat-butt look on her face and goes "Hnnn!", like a cross between a Dwanollah snarf and a Donna drill-rev laugh. And then Kelly... well, Kelly actually finds a clue and a spine and a life and says "I don’t believe you... because the way you’ve been acting doesn’t match up with what you say you did. So I’d like you to tell me the truth now." And I’d be more impressed with Kelly if it wasn’t in this whole "Oh shit, we’ve got to make LawyerBoy look REALLY bad and we only have three more shows to do it in so Kelly and Dylan can get back together!" way. And speaking of that, LB starts berating Kelly for not believing him and pulling the "I can’t believe you’d think I’m lying!" crap and saying "it’s not good enough" and "I’m being honest but you’re more upset than ever!" and "There’s no winning with you!" before stomping off, to make him look EXTRA SUPER BAD in comparison to Dylan. Because, you know, Dylan’s never lied to anyone before. Not even Kelly. And Kelly’s left behind on the patio huffing and making squonchy lips.

And over at Homeslice House, the Mushmouth Annex, Noah is bringing a PJ-clad El-Rah-Bet a cup of coffee in bed. And Noah mumbles "So I talked t’ Ben an’ he said mix-ups happen all th’ time. I tol’ him you’d be in today, a little bit late, but h’ said okay. We shoul’ prolly hurry up, though-" And Elrahbet keeps pressing her lips together and playing with her hair, much in the manner of Gidget’s Niece, and finally sits up and announces "I’m not going back there." And while Noah keeps smiling stupidly at her and insisting she "did great," Elrahbet keeps whining "I told you I don’t like pressure! I don’t want pressure! I buckle under it, I can’t handle it, I totally fall apart!" Because for someone as Pathetic as Noah to become a Hillster Savior, his Save-ee has to be, like, the most pathetic and spineless wuss in the entire state of California. And Noah... responds with cheerful earnestness "We both do, tha’s why we drink! We can help each other out!" Is this, like, Alcoholism For Dummies or something?!

But, as pathetic as Elrahbet is, she, out of all of the many Hillster Save-ees, actually says to Noah "I don’t want your help!" Woo hoo! Of course, in Hillster Mentality, she’s just being a dumb girl; of COURSE she’ll NEED Noah’s help, and grow to appreciate it and want it again, but it was nice to hear. Oh yeah, sure enough, Elrahbet falls apart and starts insisting "Stop it! Stop trying to give me this normal life and a normal job and a normal boyfriend! Just stop!" Did they bring her on the show to make the Hillster Girls seem mentally healthy and stable by comparison? And Savior Noah responds: "Uh uh. I can’t. Okay? If we’re gonna be together, I can’t." Because after all of a week or so, they’re all boyfriend-girlfriend and gonna be together and everything! And Elrahbet cops Victim ‘Tude and whines "Well I guess we’re not gonna be together then" and presses her lips together some more and looks really pathetic. And Noah cops Savior ‘Tude and huffs and holds his hands up and shakes his head and huffs again and stomps off, so that Elrahbet can keep looking pathetic and pressing her lips together.

So up at Chumley’s Office, LawyerBoy’s staring at a picture of him and Kelly, and Dylan the Alcoholic doings in all cheerfully with a bottle of champagne. And LB talks about Dylan joining the Signing Festivities downstairs, and Dylan mentions that "if this internet thing goes through, we’re gonna need a good lawyer" and all that super-friendly stuff. But LawyerBoy actually calls a spade a spade and says "Tell me, when Kelly and I break up, will there be a... grace period, or will you offer the Caribbean vacation right away?" And Dylan broods and LB and rasps "I don’t want that to happen." And LB says with dark irony "’Cos we’re pals." But it’s a day for honesty because Dylan says "No, not ‘cos we’re pals. ‘Cos I don’t wanna see her get hurt." Yeah. ‘Cos Dylan’s so sweet and altruistic. That’s it. And Dylan continues rasping "She’s yours to lose. And if you do, you got no one to blame but yourself." And he keeps leaning over the desk at LB and creasing his big fat forehead and Brooding at him. And, I’m serious... in all honesty, LB was date-raped. Surely Kelly can relate to that...?

And downstairs, Mitch is gooning at Donna and Camille is just gooning and Donna’s being sweet and demure, and Davy’s over in the corner hanging up these really cheap looking grey camouflage print shirts that someone must’ve bought at Wal-Mart. And he’s pissy because, as he tells Donna, "I don’t like seeing you get pressured, that’s all."

No, really. With no sense of irony, that’s what he tells her. HE DOESN’T LIKE TO SEE HER GET PRESSURED!

And Donna of COURSE rationalizes and says "Well, maybe that’s what I needed," which let’s Davy off the hook as far as all that troublesome sex stuff is concerned, huh?

And then she thanks Davy for the great "fix-up." And Davy acts jealous and says "Yeah, you two could be good together." And Donna goes "Like you and Camille?" Because, you know, break out the Plot Hose! THE WRITERS STILL DON’T THINK WE’VE GOTTEN IT YET!

Frightening though it is, I believe they’ve actually dumbed down 90210!

And Davy darkly responds to Donna’s remark, "I’d aim higher if I were you." Oh, the respect between dating partners! Jayzus God! Davy’s pissed because "she’s the one who pressured you." Yeah! What an evil girl Camille is! Why doesn’t she get her Evil ass together with LB’s Evil ass and they can run off together, so all the Soulmates can reunite and live in perfect harmony in Dysfunction Junction and Donna can spend her life whining to Davy about wanting to be in the show at the club, and Kelly and Dylan can grouse and snipe at each other and Donna and Kelly can have Wacky Hijinx when they work at a candy factory or bake bread, and they’ll be SO KUUUUUTE! And Donna, pure and good as she is, coos "I don’t want to be the reason you two aren’t getting along." And Davy clarifies that Donna’s "a" reason, not "the" reason. God. And then Dylan shows up with his Super Alcoholic Size bottle of bubbly, and calls to Donna (who’s posed against the dressing room) and Davy (who keeps taking a shirt off the hanger and fiddling with it) "hey you two!" because there’s always the chance that we haven’t yet figured out THAT DONNA AND DAVY ARE COUPLED, PAIRED, UNITED, LINKED AS A TWOSOME! And then Dylan opens the champagne so that it spills all over the store’s front counter. And then he engages in even more Donna-Tori Ego Fucking as he proposes his toast "to brains, beauty, intelligence..." which reminds me of the sound byte of, like, Latrelle Spreewell or some other basketball player professing that he wasn’t stupid and refuted all those stereotypes of dumb athletes "because I’m smart AND intelligent." And Mitch gets in on things by, of COURSE, telling Donna the usual "you’re gonna do great!" And then Dylan first chides Davy for being so gloomy, then says "c’mere, you kook!" to Camille and hugs her because they are SUCH good FRIENDS now, and says "Make me a rich man" while Davy broods jealously because Camille’s paying attention to Dylan. Which makes total sense, doesn’t it?

It ain’t over yet. Stevie. Asian Claire. Maddy. Apologizing. Drooling. Easter egg hunt. Fluffy died Friday. They buried her. She’s been... resurrected. "Risen from the dead! On Easter!" as one of the Flanders children proclaims. Like Jesus. Lead story for tabloid. Skeevy laughter. This much stupidity on one residential block. Copious puking on my part. Neighborhood watch? Someone? Please?

And over at the Nat-less Peach Pit, Donna comes in to pose by Noah and coo demurely with her Sticky Lips, "Is this seat taken?" And Noah is smiling and staring at her boobs and playing with a straw and says "Have a seat!" And Donna goes "thanks" and sits reeeeeaally carefully and poses herself on the stool. And then she (did I miss something) thanks Noah for his encouragement on her on-line venture! Uh... And Noah mumbles "Ima real pro at tellin’ other people what they shoul’ do." And then he sighs deeply and ponders for a few minutes before mumbling "Whenastartedrinkingin, I thoutwasbecauswbrokup... I mean, I din’zacklyblame you-" And Donna interrupts all martyringly good "No, you blamed me, I know" making oh-so-patient and kind Sticky Lip Moues and Twitches at him. And Noah mumbles "Ithoughtyouweresuppostsaveme... anyoudidn’t. MademerealizeIgottasavemyself." Well, at least one Hillster Male is admitting he expected the Hillster Woman Rescue Team to fight his demons for him. But Donna goes all sweetly rah-rah in her little girl voice "And you DID!" Um, Donna? A couple weeks without drinking and pushing his new alcoholic girlfriend into a secretarial job does NOT mean he’s now this great person and totally All Better. And Donna stares at Noah and Noah stares at the counter in Faux Dylan Brooding style and mumbles "Ijusobellarealizesth’same thing." (Which I finally translated at "I just hope Ellen realizes the same thing.") Um, yeah, Noah, damn her for not seeing how fixed and saved you are and instantly yielding to you to fix and save her! The bitch! And Donna looks sadly and pityingly down at the counter and whispers stickily "Where is she now?" And Noah sighs and keeps playing with his straw and mumbles "Idon’know." And Donna goes "Look, you did all you could for her. And Donna makes another Sad Sticky Lip Twitch at Noah and whispers all earnest-little-girly "Look, you did all you could for her... the rest she has to do for herself." And Noah makes Sad Faces of his own and mumbles "Whafshcant?" And Donna makes another Sad Sticky Lip Twitch at him and looks at him with Great Pity and reaches over and puts her hand on his shoulder. Because, yeah, having his two-week girlfriend get mad at him has to be so tough for poor Noah! And Noah keeps making Sad Faces and Donna keeps petting his arm and making Faces of Great Pity and Noah sighs and throws his mutilated straw wrapper. And how very, very brave of Noah to get through this unspeakable trauma without getting drunk! Give the boy a hand!

And over at the Homeslice House, Camille’s vamping around in one of her campy seductress nightgowns (not red for a change, but a teeeeeeny pink and black one. Close enough)... the only think missing is, like, marabou trimmed slippers and her talking in a fake British accent and calling people "dahling". And Davy’s being all passive-aggressive about not coming to bed, but going to read in the living room, even though Camille’s reading in bed, doing that oh-so-convincing "nothing’s wrong" stuff and playing that oh-so-mature "YOU figure out if/why I’m mad at you" b.s. And if The Husband-Type Man and I ever acted like that- Well, okay, forget it. We wouldn’t. So Camille, a Full Blooded Hillster Woman by this time, huffs and throws down her magazine and goes stomping off to the living room, sashaying her ass (which is barely covered by pink sateen) the whole way. And she stomps up to Davy and goes "Did I miss something? Or did my going behind Donna’s back work for the best?" Now, really, who would actually say that? But, remember, Camille is Evil now, and she’s "going behind Donna’s back" not just in Matters of the Store, but just in dating Davy. No mind that she doesn’t know that Donna wants Davy and has even TOLD Camille repeatedly that she has Donna’s "blessing"... Camille’s still a scumbag ho for being in Donna’s way! And Davy’s doing that really mature talking-without-looking-at-Camille-because-he’s-pissed thing, and after he and Camille bicker for a few minutes, Davy claims that no, he’s NOT mad because Camille "went behind Donna’s back"... ("You said it was!" "Well now I’m telling you it’s not!"); moreover, he’s not mad at Camille, but rather, at Dylan, because Dylan’s doing "the same thing he always does... he hovers, he makes himself available, he acts mysteriously nocturnal." Which I guess is supposed to explain the Dylan Mystique that I’ve been doubting lo these many, many shows.... And then Camille (rightfully) says "David, I don’t deserve this." Especially considering the fact that Davy, by just being with Camille (much less sleeping with her) when he’s confessed he still cares about Donna, is A MAJOR FUCKING TWO-FACED LIAR. And he whines that he’s not saying Camille DOES deserve this, no, he’s "just telling you how I feel." And Camille (rightfully) rips him another asshole for his cockamamie double-standard about how he’s allowed to be best friends with his ex-girlfriend and then gets pissy and acts like a dick when she does business with Dylan.... And Davy (Hillster Truism!) pulls out the usual "You don’t understand the history I have with her!" argument. And Camille parries with a Hillster Truism of her own that "Dylan’s my friend!" and they might have to spend a lot of time working together if this online thing takes off. And Davy gets all belligerent and goes "What if I have a problem with it?" And Camille goes "Well that’s your problem David, not ours." And she actually shrugs and makes "that’s your problem David" faces at him before stomping off to bed and leaving Davy to sulk.

And over at Casa Skeevy, LawyerBoy answers the door, because much like she does in every other episode and with, like, every person who’s ever lived there, Kelly’s come to grovel and interrupt the "There’s something I want to say"s with tales of how rotten and wretched and unsympathetic SHE is, with her dewdrop eyes all wide and earnest and her crushed rosebud lips looking as much like a strawberry-glossed cat’s anus than ever. And she splutters about how LawyerBoy is "the most honest person I know! And if you aren’t comfortable being open with me, then I must be doing something wrong!" Yeah, Kelly, and if a boy cheats on you, it means you were doing something wrong. And if a boy does drugs when he’s with you, it means you must be doing something wrong. It doesn’t mean something’s fundamentally wrong with the boy or the relationship, oh no... it’s ALWAYS the woman’s fault, dammit! So grovel! Kiss his ass! Apologize for even existing! He’ll love you more if you neeeeeeed him! And she keeps sputtering that "I can be harsh and judgmental and... a little bit of a bitch sometime!" No, really? (Kelly refers to herself as a bitch more times than anyone I’ve ever heard.) And GOD, she actually CONTINUES "I just need to know one thing... what are you doing with me?" Like, God, Kelly, why not just hand LawyerBoy the nails for your palms, already!? And LawyerBoy is acting all Brandonesquely reassuring and hugging Kelly and telling her that the insurance company is going to pay for the damage to his Invisible Car. And Kelly chirps about how "great" that is because (Hillster Truism!) "now we can officially put this whole thing behind us!" Yeah, you can "get through this" Kelly. I mean, do the writers have, like, a file of dialogue that they just mix and match from one show to the next? And they kiss and Kelly pouts and LawyerBoy looks guilty. Because THE WRITERS STILL THING WE DON’T GET IT! Scintillating, innit?

And as long as they’re beating all of this Coupledo(o)m into our heads, they might as well really hit heavy with the exeunts as well, because instead of the usual "next time" scenes, we get (another Tori Ego Fuck Fest) Tori Spelling cooing sweetly about "How do you say goodbye to the friends that you’ve had forever?" Oh, now, don’t tease us that Kelly and Dylan are going to run off to Greece together, hon, because we know that NO ONE can leave Hillsterland! It’s a regular Hotel California there! You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave…. And the previews include Dylan telling LB to "come clean" and Davy dumping a bawling Camille (because losing a Man like Davy is just gonna destroy her) and Kelly rubbing Dylan’s face in her pending marriage because she’s twirling and preening in a white gown and chirping "What do you think?" and Dylan’s brooding and rasping "I was just realizing that it’s the second time I’ve seen you in a wedding dress to marry someone else... you look beautiful." Dylan’s got the sweetest love hangover, he ain’t gonna get over....

And after spending an hour watching this monstrosity, Number One turned to me and said "Well, that sucked." And I said "Word" and we switched channels to watch Felicity. Which kicked ass. Harder than 99.9% of 90210 ever has.

So I’ve gotten Fussy with the nicknames for the characters as the week’s Rant contest, what with being pressed for Ranting time and all. So this week... no nicknames, no trivia.... Instead, I need your help. Seriously. I’m trying to come up with a slogan for the upcoming dwanollah.com, but inspiration hasn’t hit yet. Something about Ranting? About Insecure Blather? Cheesy stuff? Hmmmm... Any ideas of a really kewl slogan? Submit ‘em to me (as many as you want) and the winner gets a super-fabo-keen prize package... and remember... I’ve made a trip to my Sources and I got lots of Kewl Stuff to give away!

Dwanollah, just FOUR more episodes….


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