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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:APRIL 19, 2000
"And Don’t Forget to Give Me Back My Black T-Shirt"
April 19, 2000

To begin with, I’ve had the dandiest time trying to decide a winner of the last Rant Contest on a dwanollah.com slogan, and finally had no other choice but to declare TWO winners... PU and scrnwrt! PU e’d me with the suggestion "quel frommage"… which is not only what I recently named my compilation of cheesy 80s songs that I made, but was the name of the first coffeehouse I used to frequent ‘way back when I lived in San Diego. And I was dying laughing at work over scrnwrt’s post about "C’est Cheese!" So guys, e-mail me with your mailing addys, and a fabo-keen-way-kernifty prize package will be sent to you, yes, YOU! I'm not sure in what way I'll use those slogans, but I'll use 'em!

And, speaking of dwanollah.com, things are moving along. I’ve got my semi-hierarchical layout planned, a list of topics to cover, and a list of numerous sub-topics as well. Rather than "Ranting" – I was afraid it sounded too close to "Hissyfit" – I’m going to instead "Blather" about stuff. I’ve got sections based on other Dwanollahesque words like "Foof" and "Shrine" and, of course, the aforementioned "Cheese"! And, just like Donna in this week’s episode, I’m lucky enough to have a super-cute, fairly anal-retentive Computer Guy who’s madly in love with me to help me on my web site design…! I only hope dwanollah.com will be as SMART and HIP and CLEVER as Donna Martin’s site- But I’m getting ahead of myself….

Anyway, the show. Yeah. So, we open with what I guess is the Final Episodes Motif now... a Hillster looking all Serious and offering up a Moment from the last ten years. This week, it’s Dylan wanting to know if we "remember that summer?" And then we see Baby Kelly and Baby Dylan and Baby Kelly’s baby-talking wetly about how "this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!" before they start Cheating on Brinda. And then Old Dylan shrugs and rasps "Sometimes things just happen!" Like, yeah, I guess that makes EVERYTHING scrupulous and acceptable, doesn’t it, Crease Boy? I mean, who cares if you were fucking around behind your best friend/girlfriend’s back, huh? Shucks, things just happen... and it’s ESPECIALLY okay if you’re Soulmates and Meant To Be Together and all that. In fact, damn Brinda for standing in your way! The bitch.

And then the Deep Voice reminds us that "there are only four more episodes left and then 90210 will be gone forever." Gee. Darn.

And after the illimitable "last time" scenes, we get the same "ping ping" music that was the background to Brandon and Tracy’s trip to Hong Kong, and then – eyew... cavern shot of Donna sitting in some Japanese restaurant with Mitch, her latest Conquest who is severely Smitten with her... because Donna Martin is so beautiful and so talented and so sweet and nice and charming and dazzling and wondrous that she inspires Instant Infatuation with every male she meets. They gravitate toward her. They can’t help it. She’s too much Woman for them. And despite the fact that Donna has proclaimed numerous times since breaking up with Noah a mere 4 ½ months ago that she "doesn’t feel like dating right now" or is "trying to take care of myself now" or "hey, I’m a career gal," Donna’s had more dates with different boys in the last 15 weeks than I had in the last 15 years. Of course, I’m not as talented and beautiful and brilliant and smart and funny and adorable and stylish and successful as Donna Martin. What mortal woman is? I mean, let tonight’s Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest begin with no further ado, huh? You bet. Donna’s babbling all like she’s nervous and modest and whatnot about her new web site, donnamartinoriginals.com. because she doesn’t want to be a failure. She doesn’t want to be a disappointment. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone. She’s just so sweet and kind and good. And Donna’s Latest Admirer, who is so bland and boring and one-dimensional and flat that I can’t even think up a clever, characterizing nickname for him, is of COURSE assuring Donna-Tori about how wonderful she is and how she’s going to do great. And after Donna addlepates and kurmufulates and Donna’s Latest (generic) Admirer tells her how great everything’s going to be, he presents her with a gift... because Donna Martin inspires that kind of generosity and love in men and they just feel compelled to give her gifts and kiss her and stalk her and break into her house when they’re drunk and moon after her even when they’re with someone else. Donna’s Latest Admirer gives her... a palm pilot/organizer thingie "just like" the one he already has. And he’s conveniently scheduled Donna for a date with him... Wednesday at 8. Cute, huh? Not to mention a Saturday roller blading jaunt. "Our schedules match perfectly!" he marvels, lovelight shining from his eyes. How could ANY man NOT want his schedule to "match perfectly" with Donna? Anyway, Donna "tee hee hee"s that the scheduling thingie reminds her... that... "I haven’t had a vacation since college, hee hee hee hee!" ‘Cos Donna is not only beautiful and talented, she’s dedicated and hardworking, too! She only went to Hawaii to WORK, remember? Never mind the stupidity of, um, scheduled dates somehow "reminding" her of taking vacations. Anyway, then Donna’s Latest Admirer announces that he’s "officially off the market!" and beams at her. And Donna gulps wine and acts moronic and says "hee hee hee." And even though she’s clearly taken by surprise and startled and wondering how to break it to this Really Nice Guy that she’s not interested in him THAT way (because she’s so kindhearted), Donna still looks radiantly beautiful with her shining hair and lovely make-up and a cute scoop-necked lavender shirt that shows a daring hint of cleavage and flatters her coloring exquisitely.

And over at Dysfunction Junction, LawyerBoy shuffles his pudly ass into Kelly’s Rose-Colored Bedroom with a dish of ice-cream. And Kelly, with her daffodil-golden silken tresses pulled back in a ponytail, is hanging up the phone. Seems "my father" has called and is in town and "wants to have dinner" with them tomorrow night. And I’m wondering if Kelly’s being set up to meet another long-lost sibling, since we’ve basically re-hashed every other plot ever done on 90210 at least TWICE... and plus, for all the long-lost siblings, (Erika, Joy, Gina), there’s never been a long-lost BROTHER, so maybe-

Anyway, LB in his doofusy accent that sounds more Mid-western than NY wants to know if he’s "being inspected." So? It’s not like Kelly’s father holds any place of importance in her decision-making process, so why should you care what he thinks of you? I’m sure The Husband-Type Man couldn’t give a counterfeit penny’s worth of caring into whether or not my Dumb Dad approves of him. And then Kelly earnestly chirps about what is REALLY important: "I can’t wait to show you off!" (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!) And LB, showing the expected level of triteness we’ve come to expect from 90210, grumbles that "Fathers always disapprove of their daughters’ fiancés... it’s in the job description." Dork. And then Kelly says that "Bill Taylor is a convicted embezzler... a world-class philanderer... and a completely negligent father!" Well, at least they didn’t try to pretend the embezzling didn’t happen (although we haven’t heard a word about it since, oh, college graduation, hnnn?) And then she goes on to pronounce with her squonched glossy ripe strawberry lips that "You, on the other hand, are honest and faithful and totally dependable," which is not only the Certification of LawyerBoy’s Evilness at being drugged and date-raped, but also the conclusive proof that Kelly and LawyerBoy are in no way Soulmates, because Soulmates are exciting and wild and exhilarating, and Kelly and LawyerBoy would walk under chandeliers... it would never occur to them to swing from them.

But, of course, LawyerBoy is all stricken with guilt at having been unfaithful to Kelly, even if he was DELIBERATELY DRUGGED and, in essence, DATE-RAPED, because he DIDN’T MAKE A DECISION TO HAVE SEX WITH BIKER BETTY! Anyway, LawyerBoy says "they say a lot of times that daughters end up marrying men just like their fathers." And Kelly the Psych Major has "heard that before" (duh) but Kelly is "doing the exact opposite... I’m marrying a man I completely trust! I am marrying you!" And she’s basically repeating something that I’ve said ever since The Husband-Type Man and I got engaged (which, gosh, makes me wonder if this means THTM and I aren’t Soulmates… aren’t MEANT to be together…) as she nestles her head onto LB’s guilty chest and nuzzles into his thick neck and then makes more Squonchy Lips.… Poor, beguiled Kelly. Poor guilty LawyerBoy.

And this week’s Only-Four-Episodes Left Schlocky Music Selection is some b.s. about how "we’ll always be together" and "girl I realize we’ll always be together" and "love you forever" and "baby it’s you girl, winter, spring, summer, fall"- You know... JUST IN CASE WE DIDN’T FREAKING GET IT AFTER 427 REPITITIONS OF THE SAME THEME IN A MERE HALF-DOZEN SHOWS!

And for, what, the second time this season, we actually get to see the Skeevy Family, Stevie and Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife, at work at the offices of the Beverly Beat It! And Stevie’s bemoaning the sad fact they aren’t getting rich quick on the "gold rush of the new millennium," i.e. Internet stocks... namely, Donna’s new company. And Janet’s making sarcastic comments and ignoring him. Because marriage is all about men wanting to fritter away household funds on irresponsible pie-in-the-sky get-rich-quick stuff and women having to be cold and shrew/d and telling the men what’s really what. And Stevie, sounding remarkably like my Dumb Dad on one of his own many get-rich-quick schemes, uses some example about Bill Gates borrowing money from a neighbor when he was first starting out, and giving the guy a percentage, blah blah blah covet-thy-neighbor-cakes. And Janet the Bossy, Jealous, Nagging Wife tells Stevie, plainly, "the answer is no, Steve." Why? Well, with Maddy, they have responsibilities. Yeah! Go Janet! Be responsible! But wait... Janet’s not talking about silly things like paying rent or insurance bills or buying diapers and formula and clothes or even paying for that oh-so-family-oriented minivan.... No, Janet says their responsibilities are "Nannies and Mommy & Me classes and Gymboree and preschool!" I never realized just how much Janet was not only Asian Claire but Asian Kelly.... (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!)

And speaking of Maddy, I noticed on the Official 90210 Website, they’ve actually got her name spelled M-A-D-D-I-E... even closer to Brinda’s Maggie than I’d thought. Man, they love me there at FOX studios, don’t they?

And over at some studio, let the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest rave on! Donna’s having a freak-out because the model didn’t show and everything is going to be "a disaster... as predicted!" Because, you know, Donna is so modest and kind that if a model doesn’t show up, she has to take it as a personal slam on her abilities and talents. She just needs a little reassurance to build her confidence. Maybe if SHE was the model- Oh. *phew* Thank God.... I guess after they’ve re-hashed the model plot three times with Donna (Paris, Strike the Match, and The Big Fashion Show) and twice with Kelly (pre-fire and post-fire), it’s time to use modeling as a vehicle to display That Bitch Camille’s evilness and narcissism. And Davy’s there playing with some weird sculpture set-like thing of two arms or a bent-over figure or somesuch, and being just a general asshole. And Dylan’s sitting next to some non-LawyerBoy lawyer (!!) and rasping about how being a corporation "means that I’m not held personally liable if this thing tanks...." But Dylan! This is DONNA’S project! How could is possibly tank? And then the Non-LawyerBoy Lawyer wants to know "what’s the story with the blonde?" i.e. That Evil Nasty Bitch Camille. And Dylan rasps that "she’s taken." And the lawyer then says, "models are my specialty!" Um. Does that mean the implication is that he generally handles, say, writing up contracts for models? That he generally dates models? That he generally cooks up models for dinner with a light pesto sauce? And Donna’s Latest Admirer is playing with his Palm Pilot organizer thingie and informing Donna happily that he’s scheduled a few more dates for them, and wants to know if she wants to "synch our schedules?" But Donna, sweet and kind and sensitive though she is, can’t really concentrate on planning dates with Her Latest Admirer because she’s worried about this photo-shoot-gone-wrong.... Doing Comedy, she badgers Her Latest Admirer, "Mitch, did you know that donnamartinoriginals.com is doomed? ...DOOMED!" But Donna’s Latest Admirer is too happy making plans with the love of his life, and says "I hope you’re not busy Christmas!" And Donna laughs "Christmas? That’s eight months away!" And Donna’s Latest Admirer smiles in delight at her and says "I like to know what I’m doing so I have something to look forward to!" And Donna, being a sensitive, tenderhearted soul, isn’t quite sure what to do with this information, but certainly is too kind to hurt Her Latest Admirer’s feeling by saying "Um, this is a little too much for me" or "Don’t you think you’re jumping the gun?" but instead makes sweet, endearing, Quintessential Donna Sticky-Lips Little Girl Smiles at him and then walks away. And what I want to know is, why would this be any different from when Donna met her blind date Irv a few weeks back and asked Camille "do you think he wants two kids or three?" or tells Kelly about Jerry the Headhunter "this gorgeous mystery guy that came into the store today, borrowed the phone, promised he’d call me and I was gonna have his kids... well, not today but after we got married on some beach in Mexico...." I mean, given Donna’s past behavior, I’d think a guy who wanted to plan The Rest of Their Lives Together from, like, their third date would be right up her alley.

And then Donna, in a fit of good-heartedness at not wanting to cause her friends any more trouble, announces to Dylan "I think we should just cut our losses." Which must be the exact words used when the execs at FOX decided to can this sorry-ass show. And Donna? You’re willing to can the whole, entire business because a model didn’t show up for a photo shoot? Which is completely inconsistent with what’s happened even, oh, at the beginning of this season when Gina torched Donna’s fashion show wardrobe and they managed to re-create an entire men’s line with five friends and NO SEWING EXPERIENCE AT ALL in time for the Big Show... I mean, after "getting through" that, Donna thinks it’s a catastrophe that a model hasn’t shown up? I know, I’m missing the point... Donna’s just a very sensitive and loving and emotional and dedicated person and if the model hasn’t shown up, she just kinda takes it all to heart. Because everyone’s counting on her. And she can’t let her friends down! She can’t let her customers down! She can’t let US down!

Anyway, Dylan rasps out the perfect solution... "Camille." And Camille, who’s clutching a little leather organizer that looks just like the one Donna’s Latest Admirer just gave her, is stunned, but easily cajoled into it. In fact, the only one who doesn’t think it’s a "great" idea is Davy, who’s... perched all over the head-part of the upraised-arms-sculpture, and announces "Camille... isn’t a model!"

And instead of saying, "Um, what the fuck is YOUR problem?" Camille just says she "wants us to be on-line by tomorrow." [Tomorrow…? And they’re just doing the photos NOW?]

But Davy ain’t done yet.... He goes "Camille?" all aggro-pointedly.

And instead of saying, "Um, what the fuck is YOUR problem, you piss-ant jerk?" Camille smiles and nods and whispers "yes!" and scurries over to talk to Davy.

And Davy still ain’t done... He goes "Camille, you’re not eye-candy, you’re a businesswoman!" all "who’re you tryin’ to look so purdy for, woman"-like.

And instead of saying, "Um, what the fuck is YOUR problem, you hypocritical, passive-aggressive little twit?" Camille feebly goes "That’s right. I’m a businesswoman, and this is a business decision" and scurries off to put on Donna’s Red Dress (because Camille wears red at least 90% of the time), leaving Davy behind to huff like the selfish, insecure, demanding little prick that he is. And, as several WHYners have already pointed out... why would Davy have such a problem with Camille modeling since 1) he’s done it himself at for Donna’s menswear line, 2) his stepsister has been a model, 3) his step-mother is a model, 4) Donna’s been a model, 5) and he was okay with Donna’s Bustin’ Out All Over in that skank-fest "Strike the Match." Is this supposed to make us think that Davy’s just disturbed by the Threat of Dylan having suggested his girlfriend model? ‘Cos it only serves to make him look like an irrational, proprietary, insecure, jealous, sexist, hypocritical asshole. And at least SOMEONE there in the studio thinks as much, because Dylan rasps "Relax, David." And Davy, still straddling the statue and holding his prop cup of coffee, snaps back "Last time I checked, Dylan, I wasn’t on your payroll." Oh, Davy. You strong, forceful, masculine man. Excuse me while I go change my panties. And then Dylan stares at Davy and Donna stares over at Davy and Donna’s Latest Admirer stares at the ground or his palm pilot or something and Davy continues to stare all defensively-aggro at Dylan. Oooh.

And over at the utterly lame and useless PPAD (oh, WHAT will Val say when she comes back to LA and discovers her club’s in ruins?), they’re of COURSE gearing up for the big donnamartinoriginals.com launch party, and I’m trying to figure out WHAT on earth those guys are dragging around.... It’s... a.. uh... giant computer keyboard that they’re setting up next to a giant computer monitor. Um. Wow. And there’re banners hanging that read (sic):

D M .
O A c
N R o
N T m

And over at the bar, Noah’s grinning like this is the best time he’s ever had and is playing with ANOTHER straw (this time a red drink stirrer one) and is mumbling to Skeevy Stevie that "I’lltelyath’partytomorr’nitef’donnamartingrignalsdotcom’sgonnabeliketh’balldroppin’onTimesSquare!" Well, Noah, if by that you mean days and days of frantic build up and activity for, like, a kinda disappointing thirty seconds of mayhem before everyone just beats tracks home because they’d been locked into these police-patrolled "pens" without bathrooms for over twelve hours, then, yeah, I guess the party tomorrow will be a lot like the ball dropping on Times Square. Especially since Donna Martin is such a talented and innovative designer – as well as a really special and unique and brilliant person – that she just promotes the same kind of excitement as New Year’s Eve 1999 or the new season’s couture shows in Paris or a Royal Wedding Day or Disneyland, Magic Mountain, Knott’s Berry Farm and Sea World all rolled into one. And Noah keeps chomping on his straw like he’s trying to clean stubborn food bits from his farthest-back molars. And Stevie says "Yeah, yeah, it’s gonna be a HUGE success!" all clearly bemoaning the fact that he’s not in on such a sure-fire thing as the launching of Donna’s on-line clothing store, because, despite the occasional threats of disaster, Donna is so amazing and so talented that everything she touches turns to gold. She is an inspiration to young women everywhere who don’t want to have to actually go to any kind of fashion school or learn to sew or study marketing and business or intern at a fashion magazine or work for a boutique or a designer for minimum wage + $.50 an hour... because you don’t have to do any of that messy introductory stuff to be a successful designer! You just buy your own store about a year after college and start designing your own stuff! Then you’ll be SUCH a success in the fashion industry that magazine editors and buyers and photographers and models will all seek YOU out! And not only that, you’ll have Admirers everywhere! And you can live in a beach condo and drive a convertible and not have to worry about silly things like store hours or paying rent or working with suppliers or anything!

Say, what ever happened to Donna’s catalogue?

And, hey, if this is such a Big, Major Event, why isn’t Kelly Taylor of KTPR actually involved in this process in any way?

Anyway, Noah’s still looking all happy and jovial (which isn’t all that different than him brooding all Ersatz-Dylan-like... just with a goofusy happy facial expression instead of a goofusy morose facial expression) and mumbling about "spare cash" and "investing" and Noah finally mumbles "Y’knowhatheysay’boutpeoplewh’uset’berichnotmissin’theirmoney? Issacrock. M’kay?" Um. I don’t recall any saying about people who used to be rich not missing their money, but okay Noah. And then Noah mumbles about how if he had extra cash he’d buy a thirty-two-foot sloop and just sail off to Tahiti.... So now we know how Noah’s leaving LA in a couple weeks to sail off into the sunset (God, please let that boat have a big leak somewhere…). Maybe Valerie’s coming back to buy back the PPAD and’ll stay in LA and run it and kick ass....

Anyway, and then Noah wants to know what Stevie would do with a lot of money... And Stevie says all darkly, "I’d stop waking up at two in the morning with nightmares about not having enough cash!" Yeah, I mean, poor Stevie... I really feel sorry for him. Free house, free business, trust fund... I don’t know how he sleeps nights, for worrying about paying all the bills and everything.... It’s gotta be hard. I think back to when I was little and my newly-divorced-again-mom was pawning all her jewelry for a grocery money while she tried to find a decent-paying secretarial job that wasn’t already taken by someone "more qualified" (i.e. someone who’d been in the workforce... this was, like, 1981, remember?) and I was taking crap from the kids in sixth grade because I only had one pair of jeans and they were getting too short and me and my brother were eating peanut-butter-on-graham-cracker sandwiches for lunch for weeks on end because a dollar a day for hot lunches was too expensive and we had to move in with my grandma because there was no money for rent. So I understand how life must be really hard for the Sanderses, trying to afford those Mommy & Me classes and nannies and alien goo and trips to Bakersfield to "cover one of those stupid UFO conventions." And Noah, Mr. Total Oral Fixation, is just going to town on that straw, and mumbles "Huh. Yeah. Y’cnallusdream,huh?" And then the phone rings, and it’s Elbetrah, crying and pressing her lips together, with all the spine of a sea sponge, announcing that she’s in jail and begging him to "please get me out of here!" Wow. What sidewalk did they scrape this girl up off of, huh?

And over at Dysfunction Junction, Donna and Kelly are in Kelly’s Rose Colored Bedroom, and Kelly’s getting ready for her big dinner date with daddy and is wearing an Itty Bitty slip dress and putting on Itty Bitty Earrings and an Itty Bitty necklace while she and Donna talk about what a "jerk" Davy was being at the photo shoot... as if it was something, like, mildly puzzling yet cute. And then they have to talk about Donna’s Latest Admirer: "Well Mitch has me scheduled to spend every vacation with him and his family from now until Groundhog’s [sic] Day!" bemoans Donna. And Kelly sniggers and says "Your being down on Mitch [sic] wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that Camille and David are fighting, would it?" And Donna plays dumb and makes faces at Kelly and goes "Nooooo.... Why would you even ASK that?" Um, because you told Kelly that you’re still in love with David, you silly dork. Whatever "love" means in Hillsterspeak, that is.... And Kelly wetly says "You just get really critical of whoever you’re going out with whenever the specter of David as a single man comes up." Specter: a ghost; a haunting or threatening vision. Appropriate, huh? And then Donna Does Comedy, playing oblivious and telling Kelly "Purple purse... definitely go with the purple purse!" And then Kelly’s dad calls and cancels out on dinner. Again. I mean, Kelly...? WHY DO YOU STILL KEEP AGREEING TO SEE HIM IF YOU KNOW HE’S GOING TO DITCH YOU 95% OF THE TIME?! "He’s my father" just doesn’t cut it. Take it from someone who knows. 

And over at the again Nat-less Peach Pit, Janet, looking like Dorothy in the land of Oz with those braids, comes in with Maddie (sans baby carrier or baby tote of any kind, because I guess she’s either going to order something to go like everyone else does, or just hold Maddie and eat with one hand and hope the kid doesn’t cry or spit up or need a pacifier or something). And Dylan’s there, totally jovial what with his new business venture and imminent success instead of brooding and rasping and drinking like usual. And he offers his goddaughter (although no one’s made any mention whatsoever of Maddie’s godparentage since, like, the baptism….) a BLT, because, despite all his brooding and drinking, Dylan really loves kids ‘neath it all, and that means he’s essentially a good person… self-destructiveness and immaturity and substance abuse aside. And Maddie gives Dylan the stink-eye and says, "Dude, that let’s-patronize-the-infant shit is SO lame! Shut up!" And then Janet says "Say hi-i-i!" and then explains to Dylan "No, Maddie doesn’t have enough teeth yet for a BLT… but I certainly am … capable." And Maddie goes "God, Ma, what are you, a total troll? And what’s with all that double entendrè, huh?" And Dylan ad libs some comment about thinking he saw two teeth on the bottom (with appropriate gestures towards his own lower toothal region), and Maddie rolls her eyes and says "You mean I gave up a night reading French Symbolist poetry and listening to my Thelonius Monk album collection for this crap?" and sighs. And Dylan’s escorting Janet and her little Cherokee Nation braids to the counter. And then Dylan tells an unsuspecting Janet the BJNW that he "wanted to talk to you and Steve anyway" because Stevie, from Bakersfield, "wired $10,000 into my account a couple hours ago." And that, of course, sends Janet the BJNW over the edge, although she pretends she knows about it, because she doesn’t want to look all BJNWed in front of anyone other than Stevie. She has her pride, you know. And Dylan is concerned that they understand this Internet venture is "risky" and then says "Anyways, you ladies have a nice dinner" and leans in and plants this really weirdly intimate kiss on Janet’s neck while making "Mmm" noises. And Maddie stares at him and says "Hey, cretin! Have you no shame? It’s not like my mom has her head screwed on straight were men’re concerned anyway! Don’t make it harder for her!" And Dylan says "Say hi to Steve for me!" And Janet, full on BJNWed and trying to remember which is the dullest knife in the Casa Skeevy block-o-knives (see the www.asseenin.com auction…) with which to inflict damage to Skeevy Stevie’s little penis, says "Oh, believe me… I will!" And Maddie goes "Don’t worry, Ma… just do what you always do: deny him sex, give him the silent treatment, go on a banzai, guilt-inducing cleaning binge, and claim everything’s fine until you’re ready to blow up at him, just like usual!" And Janet glares Major Hateful Shit at nobody in particular, which must be why the waitresses are too scared to come over and ask her what her order is, and then looks at Maddie and goes "What?" And Maddie goes "I don’t care if he’s my father… you were stupid to’ve married that guy! Not to mention have sex with him!" And Janet goes "I know," and thumps Maddie on the back, planning to move Stevie’s testicles from the jar on her nightstand to a cold, dark box in the garage or something….

And over at 7250 Yeah Right Blvd., one of the "networking" contacts LawyerBoy made at the Sweatlodge/Rave is evidently looking for a lawyer. Um. Would someone 1) actually’ve KEPT a business card handed to them by a drugged-out freak and 2) actually thought "Yeah, say, I need a lawyer… how ‘bout I give that guy from the desert a call!" But LB, who was just complaining about his lack of new clients only a few shows ago, claims that he’s not taking on any new cases right now. Sure you’re not taking any new clients, LawyerBoy…. And then Kelly walks in as the guy says "I’ll say hi to Amy for you."

Wouldn’t it be better if, like, since LB was handing out business cards, that BIKE BETTY AMY showed up at his office herself… maybe even to say that she had herpes or was pregnant or to demand "what happened that night?" or "why haven’t you called me?" or something…?

Anyway, so LB goes "Yeah, you do that" all lamely as the guy leers at Kelly and goes "Heeeeeeey" like Fonzie. And Kelly deigns a "hi" without looking at him. And when he’s gone, she pretends she isn’t being disdainful as she asks LB "Who was that?" and "Are you going to take the case?" and squonches her lips all duck-like and tries to pretend she’s not pissy. And then she announces that "My dad called and canceled again." And LB all solicitously (gettit? A lawyer pun? See in the UK, lawyers are called "solicitors" and- Okay. Sorry.) "Are you all right?" And Kelly admits she’s "A little angry… at myself, mostly, for getting all excited. I feel like an idiot." I mean, of COURSE Kelly isn’t stark raving pissed at her asshole of a dad… that wouldn’t be Nice! And we all know that Hillster Girls have to be nice… unless they’re the Brunette Vixen of the show, that is. And LB tells her "hissa fool, t’s his loss" which makes Kelly hug him and baby-talk "Thank you…." As she looks all crushed and dewy and abandoned over his shoulder clutching her Itty Bitty purse. And LB goes "For what?" And, oh god, it’s another deluge of the Plot Downpour because, for some strange reason, THE WRITERS STILL DON’T THINK WE "GET" IT YET, because Kelly wetly and earnestly baby-talks "For never disappointing me…" with her wet glossy lips all pouting. Which makes me hope maybe Kelly knows more than she’s letting on and is just enjoying twisting the knife forcibly and repeatedly. And, Kelly, what about when LB "forgot" to mention to you that he was married? That might’ve been a little, oh, say, disappointing, huh?

And then Chumley the Lawyer is all guilt-ridden again and announces "I’m taking you out tonight!" And maybe my theory about Kelly knowing something is close to the truth because she responds "There’s one problem with that… who’s Amy?" I mean, it’d’ve made more sense to say "Oh, by the way" or "Hey, out of curiosity" instead of "There’s one problem with [you taking me out tonight]." And LB blusters that Amy is "just some girl that Dylan hooked up with in the desert. That’s how that guy heard about me." And Kelly laughs deprecatingly and goes "Oh, Dylan is SUCH a DOG!" And if Dylan is her Soulmate, wouldn’t this make her pissy, like usual? But anyway, LB heaves yet another Chumley Sigh of Incredible Guilt, because even he, steeped in the sexist, double-standard world that is 90210, doesn’t seem to realize that HE WAS DRUGGED AND DATE-RAPED!

And over at the Homeslice House, Noah’s mumbling and slurping coffee and Elbetrah is whining and being pathetic. Turns out she "was behind on her rent and… just moved everything into my [car] trunk." A whole apartment’s worth of stuff? And Noah mumbles intently that she "can call me" anytime she’s in trouble. And Elbetrah whines that yesterday her car wouldn’t start, "And I had a half-gallon of Gibley’s" and "just started in." And her eyes are all tear-filled again… I don’t think we’ve ever seen this girl not either on the verge or in the throes of a total breakdown. But Noah, being the strong, good, sensitive alcoholic that he is, mumbles intently "’sgetchoobackintaAA" Erm. These aren’t the Twelve Steps, folks, these are, like, the Twelve Big No-Nos or the Twelve Dysfunctions or the Twelve Wrong Ways to Have a Relationship or The Twelve Lamest Things About Noah and His New Girlfriend or something….

And over at the still-Nat-less Peach Pit, for some reason we first see LawyerBoy sitting alone at a booth chowing fries, and then over at another table, Donna and Donna’s Latest Admirer have their palm pilots out, and Donna’s Latest Admirer is "beaming" her his updated itinerary, and then encourages Donna to "beam" over her schedule to him. And Donna, staring at him like a sulky 7-year-old being coaxed to go to the dentist or take a bath, actually whines and pouts "I don’t want to beam you my itinerary!" Because Donna is so sweet and good and doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and that’s why she’s so charmingly child-like and innocent and fresh and ingenuous. Like Persephone. Like Juliet. Like Collette’s Gigi... James’s Daisy Miller… Princess Diana… every fairy-tale princess we’ve ever seen via the ballet and San Souci picture books and the Wonderful World of Disney…. Anyway, Donna’s Latest Admirer can’t understand why Donna won’t "beam" him her itinerary, because "In terms of time management, it’s a real sweetheart!" And then Donna LJBFs him and confesses that "it isn’t going to work" and says in her little-girl voice "there’s something missing here… what about spontaneity?" and "just keep things professional" and all that schlock, because "tonight a lot of planning’s gone into it" (sic). And it sounds like Donna’s affecting a touch of the Madonna Fake English Accent as she swallows some of her vows and looks all pathetically little-girlishly contrite. And Donna’s Latest Jilted Lovelorn Admirer hands her the pictures from the shoot and tells her to "page" him with which ones he wants her to upload later. I’m not sure how she could page that info, but I’m suspecting that an anal-retentive super-organized sucking-the-fun-out-of-life computer guy like him would have some sort of message-paging system, too. Because computer guys are always majorly anal-retentive and loooove computerized gadgets. And then he announces that he’s not going to the party, but "Don’t worry, your site will be on-line eight sharp as planned." Okay, being married to a computer programmer… isn’t it kinda futile to plan a site’s launch for an exact, concrete time… unless it’s already up and running and the "launch" is just a formality? Why doesn’t he say the site is "going live" like any other normal computer savvy person? And then Donna’s Latest Jilted, Lovelorn Admirer pauses and announces "I just want you to know, Donna… I don’t give up that easy." Because even an anal-retentive computer guy becomes all passionate where Donna’s concerned…. And because other than Noah, Donna hasn’t really been STALKED in a couple seasons, and she’s due for another Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest of desperate, passionate, obsessive love. Because stalking isn’t about power or control… no, in Hillsterland, it’s proof that she incites undying love and devotion, that she is needed, inspirational, goddesslike…. Why, being stalked is downright flattering, innit?! And Donna, wearing this silk-screened turquoise shirt with a fishy swimming through aquarium grasses on it, raises her eyebrows, heaves a big old sigh. And puffs her lips out. And raises her eyebrows a few more times. You know, in case we missed it. Because being stalked and obsessed over is so hard on someone as tenderhearted and sweet and good as Donna.

And then Kelly comes flitting in with Dylan, and is chirping (shout out!) "Soooo, enough about me! You have exactly thirty seconds to update me on your life!" How white of her. And Nosy Kelly wants to know "about Amy! … Yes, I know ALL about your liaison with the Desert Princess!" Um, Kelly? Chill. And LB pays his check and quickly intervenes before Dylan says anything Wrong, because LB is going all Evil by hiding his Sweatlodge/Rave date-rape from Kelly, remember? Because deliberately lying about having cheated on your Significant Other is WRONG- Well, it is if you aren’t the other person’s SOULMATE. Anyway, Kelly chirps that they’re going to look a wedding sites, which I guess means she’s not doing PR work of any kind right now, ‘specially not on donnamartinoriginals.com. And LB gives a smirking Dylan a Warning Look before sweeping Our Favorite Hedonist off to LA’s most impressive churches and mansions. Because the bigger and better the wedding, the better the couple and the marriage. And Kelly and LB leave without acknowledging Donna sitting and huffing by herself, and Dylan sits smirking at the counter without acknowledging Donna sitting and huffing by herself, and I guess Donna doesn’t acknowledge Dylan sitting and smirking by himself, either.

And over at Casa Skeevy, Stevie comes doinging in while Janet is aggressively clearing the breakfast (lunch?) table, and squawks "I’m baaaack!" And Maddie says "Watch your back, Pa, you big dweeb. Mommy’s got a major bug up her butt." And Stevie goes "Hey Maddie! Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah! Did you two ladies have the Chippendale dancers come over while Daddy was away at his convention?" And Maddie give Stevie a LOOK and says "Are you that stupid? I can’t believe you’d say something so disgusting and offensive to your infant daughter. Geez, Dad, I’m in for a world of hurt come puberty, aren’t I?" And then Stevie says to Janet all beleagueredly, "Oh, honey! For the last thirteen hours I’ve been surrounded by people who swear that they’ve had their nether regions probed by aliens! Speaking of probing nether regions… nice t’ see ya!" And 1) GROSS! And 2) I hate to draw the obvious correlations between that and the Sanderses’ marriage (as well as any and all Hillster relationships). So of COURSE Janet gives Skeevy Stevie the BJNW Look of Death, having buried the glass jar containing his testicles at midnight in the backyard in some secret, black-magic ceremony that involved dead animals and strange combinations of herbs. And Stevie pulls the "Whaa? What’s wrong" crap until Janet bitches him out, Aggro-Cleaning all BJNW-style all the way. And I’ll take it as a shout-out that they feebly refer to their disrespectful and immature sham of a marriage as "a partnership." They wish. And then Stevie announces "I didn’t invest our money… I invested MY money!" And Janet flips out at this, darkly repeating "YOUR money?" as Stevie explains about the 50K that Grandpa Sanders left him.

Okay. On top of the (ostensibly) $10,000+ that they must’ve had in their "our money" account that Janet was territorially protecting (why didn’t she contact the bank?), Stevie… has… an… EXTRA FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS stashed somewhere. And we’re supposed to believe that he could possibly be loosing sleep about not having enough money?!

And, granted, I think Stevie’s a total twit, but Janet… Janet the Bossy Jealous Nagging Wife Stereotype of the Worst Possible Kind… turns around and HITS him! Not once, but TWICE! How… how…cute! How fuh-nee! How respectful! …For God’s sake, Writers, I’VE READ THE POSTS ON THE FOX.COM BOARDS! THOSE VIEWERS ARE TOO STUPID TO NOT REALIZE THAT THIS IS NOT FUNNY AND NOT CUTE AND IS NOT THE WAY PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND RESPECT EACH OTHER BEHAVE! And the viewers DON’T need to see any more examples of couples who DON’T love and respect each other! Stop it! STOP IT!

And Janet bitches Stevie out some more for hiding money from her (understandable… although don’t worry, hon… California is still a community property state) and Stevie pretends he "forgot" to tell her about it (understandable… being married to a Turbo-Bitch-On-Wheels like Janet. You might wanna make sure a trust is set up for Maddie ASAP, dork). And Janet stomps off, and Stevie huffs, and Maddie reaches for the phone and surreptitiously dials the number of the Kids’ Crisis Center that she has memorized and says "Hi… it’s me, Maddie. Yeah, they’re at it again…."

Oh jeez. Another AA meeting. Noah trying to get Elbetrah’s pathetic butt in. She says, in what must be some deep, philosophical statement about Hillsterism, that she’s "not into the whole Group Mentality thing." She then freaks out and leaves. Why are we wasting time on this? Why couldn’t NOAH HAVE DIED IN THAT FIREY EXPLOSION AT THE REQUISITE KIDNAP AND RANSOM WHEREHOUSE LAST MONTH? I mean, what’s stupider than Noah? Yup… the writers trying to make us believe that Noah’s a decent person and capable of Saving an Other. And the only thing stupider than THAT is this Ellen chick. Please let her go nuts and kill Noah! PLEASE!

And over at Now Sneer This, Donna and Camille are shuffling with delight through the pictures of Camille modeling. (She looks really good, too. I mean, she doesn’t have that bandy, underfed look that Donna has.) And Davy stomps in, gives a curt "hi," ignores Camille, and announces that he’s there to "pick up the banners for the party." And when they show him Camille’s pictures, he kinda gives them a cursory riffle and says all nastily "Yeah, they’re nice" and throws ‘em down on the counter. And, oblivious to the fact that her Soulmate is wearing BAGgy Crankypants, Donna chirps that Camille is "going to be the next Cindy Margolis!" Which might be a backhanded compliment, considering she isn’t so much an internet "model" as she is an internet centerfold or an internet slut. And Davy glares and sneers and, for some reason, instead of telling Davy he’s acting like a selfish brat, Camille is all hurt and whines that he doesn’t "like" the pictures. And Davy protests, although… "they ARE a little cheesy." Which I’ll accept as a personal shout-out. And Donna raises her eyebrows, like "Now, don’t be a meanie, David!" and says "the banners are over there." And Davy raises his eyebrows back and stomps off. And then Donna and Camille raise their eyebrows at each other before Camille goes tearing after Davy and goes "David, what the hell is going on with you?" And Davy, ever the kind soul, sneers "Nothing, you asked my opinion, I gave it to you!" I mean, what an ASSHOLE! And when Camille protests and wants to know why he’s so miserable, he says all scornfully "Maybe I’m just a miserable guy!" and tells her, basically, if she doesn’t like it, then "don’t [be around it] then!" and stomps off. And instead of shouting "It’s over, jerk! I don’t deserve to be treated like this!" Camille just stands there, wondering what on earth she’s done wrong to make Davy act so mean and nasty. And then the camera shifts so we have to see Donna inside looking all sad and pathetic. And we know this moment isn’t making Donna think "God, David really treats Camille like crap. Maybe I should re-think my infatuation with a guy who would be so disrespectful and passive-aggressive and dishonest and immature, especially to a woman he’s supposedly romantically involved with…." No, she’s prolly thinking "Poor David… he’s really hurting right now. That Evil Camille puts such awful demands on him that he CAN’T HELP lashing out in anger! I just have to be patient, and when we’re together again someday, he’ll be the sweet, funny David Silver I’ve loved since I was in high school…" God help her…. God help us…. God help those poor, dumb Teen Viewers!

Ick. Noah mumbling at an AA meeting: "Jus’hurts, y’know? IseesomuchamyselfinElln. [big sigh] Ijus… I jusneverrealiztha… thadrinkinwastakinovermylife. ‘MjusgladIhaveallyoupeoplet’leanon…." Well, first, I suppose this is proof that Noah’s on his way outa Hillsterland on a sloop, because he’s leaning on strangers, not Hillsters. And second, this whole scene… I mean, wow. Powerful, huh? Evocative? Intense? Original? Yeah, and so is Elbetrah coming in at the end of the meeting to announce "I’m Ellen… and I’m an alcoholic." We’ve just come full-circle, haven’t we? First Dylan and Brandon and Surf Betty Sarah, and now, ten years later, this.

Okay. Since we haven’t had enough Screaming Doses of Unreality in this stupid show yet, now we get to go to the Big Launch Party for donnamartinoriginals.com at the PPAD, where Donna, dazzlingly beautiful and stylish and sexy in her boob tube and big glossy curls and big glossy lips, is fretting and brooding and swinging her bandy arms around in front of the gigantic fake computer screen that will soon display her new web site. And the screen reads


which could make it look like the actual site addy is "Originals.com"…. I know, I know, but, again, I’ve read the FOX boards and I know there’re a lot of dumb people out there.

So Stevie’s manning the laptop computer which I guess is Mission Control Center or something, and Donna joins the other assembled Hillsters there (sans Janet, who "isn’t ready for the Internet age" according to a sheepish Stevie. Uh huh. And we know this whole event has to be really stressful for someone as modest as Donna. I mean, talented and successful though she is, they’re all counting on her! And Kelly, dressed in another Itty Bitty slip dress, is clearly completely uninvolved in this glorious PR opportunity, and offers to go get a nervous Donna a drink. And after she goes, a guilt-ridden LawyerBoy wanders over to Dyl-head to demand "why were you and Kelly talking about Amy this morning?" And Dylan rasps "It was a fluke. She asked. I lied. It’s over." Because I’m sure Dylan is really hurting over this Ethical Quandary he’s in…. And LB is Embracing the Dark Side, because he’s reminding Dylan they have to "keep our stories straight!" And Dylan rasps "You a nervous guy? Why don’t you come clean?" And LB says "I know you’re enjoying the fact that I made a mistake but spare me the good advice!" Because date-rape isn’t date-rape… it’s a "mistake," ‘member? Poor, poor, tormented LawyerBoy….

And then, as if that wasn’t problematic enough, we have the Most Dysfunctional Discussion Between Two Hillster Women since Kelly and Donna had the "but I love him so even though he’s mean to me!" talk about Ray Pruit…. Donna and Camille, both leaning in identical crossed-arms poses on the railing, brooding not about the web site, but about Davy. (See the visual symbolism?) And Camille whines "I don’t know what’s up with David, everything was going so well!" And Donna says "Don’t worry, David gets in these little moods…." And Camille whines a la HillsterGrrl, "Maybe it’s my fault!" And Donna hastily says "No, no, no no no, trust me… it’ll blow over, just give him some space." Because she knows Davy oh-so-much better than Camille, see? That’s the point of this dialogue, not, say, how freaking problematic it is that Davy’s treating Camille (and Dylan and even Donna) like crap is endearingly shrugged off as "a little mood." Uh huh. And trust me, Writers, THE TEENS WATCHING THIS SHOW AND GUSHING ABOUT HOW COOL IT IS THAT DAVID AND DONNA ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER AND GETTING MARRIED DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NEED TO HEAR CRAP LIKE THIS!

And then… then Kelly comes over with a (non-champagne drink) and goes (all Dwanollah-like) "Here you go, hon!" and hands the drink to Donna… and Camille snatches it away and goes "Oh, thanks!" And Kelly gets all bent out of shape and makes pissy faces with her trademark glass of red wine and Donna pretends befuddlement. Oh, the imagery! If we ever doubted Camille was an Evil Hillster-Stealing Other before this scene, we have conclusive proof now! She’ll be selling her share of the store to Davy and running away with her tail between her legs in a matter of days, won’t she?

And then, um, Dylan announces that donnamartinoriginals.com "will be coming on-line" in about thirty seconds. Uh. Um. Ahhh…. And he invites the talented and successful yet very modest designer Donna Martin to stand on the stage while there’s a drum roll…. But…why would Stevie, um, type the name into a search engine? Anyhow, and then up comes the page with a big ol’ cheesy picture of Donna with shorter hair right smack in the middle, and littler photos of Camille dressed in various Donnawear appearing, complete with little twinkly sounds, on the sides with captions like "SMART" and "HIP" and "CLEVER." But…why would Donna ask Steve to "do the honors with a double-click" when you don’t double click stuff in a web page? And then, oh, the horrors! The web page reveals an ACCESS DENIED message, and then, with another twinkly sound, Until Donna Martin goes on another date with Mitch Field. And poor, good, kind, trusting, softhearted Donna is left to stand there on the stage, Stalked and Obssessed Over for all the world to see! How will she sleep tonight?! How will she ever hold her head up again? And finally she rushes over to Stevie, boobies flopping around willy-nilly, to ask "What does this all mean?!" And Stevie grimly announces "It means were all screwed!" Oh, gosh, the poor Hillsters….

And, down to the nitty gritty…. I mean, first of all, there’s the complete and total stupidity of them not going live with donnamartinoriginals.com BEFORE the last-second-countdown at the launch party, without, say, testing it first. I mean, come on… Donna’s really willing to put it up sight unseen, to the whole world? And for something as major as a launch party, it might’ve been wise to show everyone a demo of the site on a single computer instead of leaving it up to the uncertainty of the Internet, what with connection problems and all, not just the possibility of a Jilted Lover. And then there’s all of the programming work Donna’s Latest Jilted Lovelorn Admirer would’ve had to put into the oh-so-Weird Science ACCESS DENIED thing and then the slowly appearing Until Donna Martin goes on another date with Mitch Field. And wouldn’t doing that in such a public way – I mean, he’s identified himself to all and sundry – get him in trouble with the ISP? Couldn’t Donna then easily sue him for breach of contract? And especially, she wouldn’t’ve paid him for his services until the site was up and running to her approval (RIGHT?!), so with him doing this, all Donna’d have to do is withhold his payment. I’m sure none of this matters to Donna’s Latest Admirer, of course, because what is most important is that Donna realize how much he loves her and wants to be with her because she’s so beautiful and lovable and attractive and warm and witty and fun too be with and delightful and-

And then it’s another 90210 Moment as Dylan rasps "Remember my wedding day? … The worst day of my life" and we Reminisce about Toni getting blown away.

And at some huge, brick, loft-looking office, Donna comes gallumphing in, decked out in a Big Showdown outfit of a skirt and little shirt and big ol’ black boots and a black leather jacket, and a purse that she swings back and forth, and her hair all pulled back with a couple braids on the sides, and her makeup all done, and heavy red lipstick and lip gloss on. And as she stomps in, Her Latest Jilted Admirer beams and greets her with a cheerful "Hey!" and then "Oh." As if being infatuated with Donna wasn’t proof enough that he’s a total moron…? And Donna leans forward all Charlie’s Angels-like on the desk (revealing The Cavern. *Sideshow Bob Shudder*) and berates him for "freezing the web site!" …which her Admirer only protests he did because "can’t you see, we’re PERFECT for each other!" And Donna, emphasizing every other word, snaps "Just because I CONVINIENTLY fit into your SCHEDULE does NOT mean that I’m the right GIRL for you! And if you look UP from your electronic ORGANIZER long enough to REALIZE-" But Donna’s Latest Admirer interrupts her to protest that "You said you were coming over to Mother’s house for Christmas!" Because, yeah, those geeky computer guys are all not only super-anal-retentive, they’re all totally mother-fixated, too! And then Donna, oh yes, our Butt-Kicking Successful Career Woman ain’t havin’ it, because she snaps "Well there’ll be no chestnuts roasted between us! Ever!" Wow. Not only is Donna beautiful and talented, she doesn’t take no shit! (And she’s got those funny, comedic quips, too.) What an inspiration! I’ll have to remember this next time life is gettin’ me down! And then Donna’s Latest Jilted Admirer, trying not to laugh, begs lackadaisically "Give me another chance." And Girlfrien’ Donna ain’t havin’ NONE o’ dat! She storms at him "MITCH! We’re DONE! …Everybody’s hard WORK, all the investors’ MONEY, a BIG waste of TIME! [sic] Because… what you did, it wasn’t ROMANTIC, it wasn’t PERUSUASIVE, it was CRUEL AND DESRUCTIVE, NOT to mention ILLEGAL!" And Donna’s Latest Jilted Admirer goes "So sue me! …What’s a… life-long dream realized if I don’t have you to share it with, right?" …which wins the award for the Stupidest Thing Uttered In Tonight’s Episode, because not only is there the stupidity of him being sooooo in love with Donna after a week and wanting to marry her (which he delivered in an increasingly none-too-convincing tone), but, like, was doing Donna’s web site his "lifelong dream realized"…? And then Donna shrieks "Are you KIDDING me?" And Donna’s Latest Jilted Admirer goes "You know how they say there’s only one person for everyone? Well I was sure it was you!" Wait, scratch that previous Stupidest Thing award! And Donna shakes her head and whispers dramatically "Well figuring that out… is a lot trickier than you would think!" AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PEOPLE, THERE IS NOT ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD FOR EVERYONE! Quit that The One bullshit! Quit the Soulmate crap! PLEASE! THE TEENAGERS ARE TAKING YOU SERIOUSLY AND THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING! And Donna’s Latest Jilted Admirer sighs "I guess so." And Donna takes two or three slow steps away from him, then whips back around and says all pointedly "It’s not too late to make things right" and raises her eyebrows at him significantly before stomping away. Wow! How DARE we EVER say DONNA was SPINELESS?! I mean, she just proved here for once and for all that she won’t let a guy walk all over her! His tactics weren’t "romantic" or "persuasive"… they were CRUEL AND DESTRUCTIVE!

Of course, it’s only the case when your obsessed Jilted Admirer does something to your web site… if he was really her One Soulmate, though, it’d just be one of his "little moods" that would "pass" eventually….

And at stupid Casa Skeevy, Stevie’s fixing breakfast and bemoaning his bad luck with "a dot com investment, what was I thinking?" And Janet the BJNW is making snippy comments about "I’m glad it wasn’t MY money! Otherwise I don’t think I could keep down MY breakfrist [sic]!" And Maddie’s in her carrier on the kitchen table, looking from Janet to Stevie to Janet, and says "Hey, guys? Have you tried marriage counseling? Seriously. Because, I mean, talk about an unhealthy emotional environment for a kid! All the Gymboree in the world isn’t gonna help me through this!" And then Stevie rolls his eyes and says "Is it just going to be veiled barbs from you from now on?" (From now on?!) And Janet the BJNW snaps "Oh no, some won’t be so veiled!" And Maddie says, "Would you two give it a rest already? You operate on the maturity levels of middle school kids! Can you please please please put me up for adoption, huh?" And then Janet dangles one of Maddie’s toys in front of Maddie’s face and goes "Look Maddie look!" and then snatches it away and goes "MINE! Your daddy taught me that!" And Maddie looks at Janet for a moment and finally says "Good God, woman, you need HELP! What kind of a freak ARE you?!" And then Stevie gives some speech about how supportive his grandfather was and Janet (rightfully) points out that she’s not disputing his bond with his grandfather, but rather, the fact that he hid $50,000 from her. And Stevie insists "I wasn’t hiding anything from you!" Um, Stevie…? That’s on par with the old Eddie Murphy joke about the husband telling his wife who saw him with another woman that "It wasn’t me, baby." I mean, the whole world isn’t necessarily as stupid as you! And Janet (in typical BJNW fashion, of course), explains that she’s doubting his commitment to her and Maddie since he has "such a huge, clandestine [Hillster Keyword Alert] safety net!" And Stevie demands "How could you even think something like that!" Well, Stevie, I repeat something I’ve said in past Rants: given your past history and your general attitude, how could she NOT think something like that?! So Janet claims she "never did" until he dipped into his secret funds… "And now all I can imagine is… you on some beach in Jamaica with two bimbos and a vat of cocoa butter!" And Stevie, ever the sensitive and mature boy, makes a slightly skeevy grin and says "I’m allergic to cocoa butter!" Like, ha ha. Cute. Fuh-neeeee. And Janet the BJNW goes "Oooohh" and starts stomping away, but Stevie blusters "What! It’s just money!" Um. Ah. Well. And Janet snaps "That is exactly what ticks me off!" and leaves Stevie to be Househusband because she "has dibs" to work at the office. And she stamps away. And Maddie calls out "REAL mature, guys! Real mature!" And Stevie turns to Maddie and blusters, pointing a finger, "Don’t you lookit me like that!" all Gary Coleman. And Maddie says "For God’s sake, you moron, SEND ME BACK! SEND ME BACK!"

And at Donna’s stupid store, Davy comes in to apologize "for last night." And poor, distraught Donna whines "For which part, for blowing it off, or the whole crash and burn of it?" And of course, Davy’s all sweet and sincere now, because That Nasty Evil Camille isn’t around, bringin’ him down, and he’s just really, really concerned about Donna. And Donna’s all distraught because she’s "responsible" for the crash and burn. Uh huh. We know this has to hurt her so. And she says "Shoulder please!" and Davy goes to hug her… and then we get the horrid shots of Davy breathing all over the nape of Donna’s neck and Donna moaning and whining about Mitch and about how "glad" she is Davy’s in a better mood, and "you smell good" and other icky too-intimate crap. Because, you know, DONNA AND DAVY ARE SOOOO IN LUV! And then they pull away just in time for Camille and Dylan to come in and announce that the web site’s up and running. Okay. And Camille tells her that "people have been posting messages about you!"

What clothing/shopping site has a message board?

But, especially… I think we should take this as the grandest possible shout-out of all time. You know, sort of a crafty way of them acknowledging all of the "posting messages about [Donna]" that we do here….

Anyway, then Camille asks Davy if she can talk to him, and they stomp off outside, where Davy tries the "I have a meeting" b.s., but Camille accuses him of avoiding her. I’m wondering, after all this crap, WHY she’d want to see him again anyway, but that’s just me. Anyway, Davy’s been doing a lot of rationalizing and has the perfect answer for Camille; he claims "I just don’t want to have a fly-by conversation, that’s all." Oh, yeah, Davy, I’m sure you’re just trying to do the right thing, huh? And he says "I’ll call you tomorrow" and stomps off, leaving Camille behind all Sad and Rejected.

And then back inside the store, Dylan announces that the web site’s had "over 200 hits!" Well, knowing Donna, I’m surprised it isn’t 2000! 20,000! Donna could do it! And they pull up one of the messages (ha) complete with twinkly sound and fade-in (ha) on the store’s message board (ha) and someone who must be the intellectual equal of those TeenPosters over at FOX has written:

How’s the happy couple?
Is there really a Mitch and Donna?
I’ll buy two skirts if you let him kiss you? [sic]

Well, at least they spared us the usual barrage of superfluous punctuation.

And I’ve tried pausing a dozen times to see who the sender is, and it looks like Danielle something, but I, in my ever-increasing 90210-related narcissism, keep thinking it says Dwanollah. There’s really no help for me, is there?

Anyway, Donna reads it out loud, giggling at the "I’ll buy two skirts if ya kiss ‘m!" line. And Camille observes "There’s got to be some way we can work this to our advantage!" Because, you know, she’s not being a savvy businesswoman by doing this, she’s being Evil. And Donna chirps "Why do they even care?" which I think is another pointed barb at the boards here. And Camille says "People are suckers for a happy ending!" Because, you know. And in case you DIDN’T get it the last FOUR MILLION TIMES, Dylan rasps to Donna as Camille drifts away, "I’m sure young David would agree." Because it takes a Soulmate to know a Soulmate, or somesuch nonsense like that….

And over at Homeslice House for Wayward Alcoholics, Elbetrah’s happily ensconced in a chair chowing popcorn and reading, and Noah comes in bearing flowers and mumbling nonsense. And it must be Little Leather Book/Organizer Day at 90210, because Noah’s brought his Problem Child one. And she opens it and then says "It’s blank!" And I’m wondering what she could’ve possibly expected to be inside a leather-bound book/organizer other than blank pages…? Anyway, Noah mumbles happily that it’s to write down "the wrongs in your life." And where on EARTH would Elbetrah start? There’s you, Noah. There’s the fact that she cries constantly. And she has no spine. And she can’t keep a job. And she has no spine. And she drinks. And she has no spine. And she slept with an alcoholic bartender the first night she met him. And she has no spine. And she has just moved in with the alcoholic bartender she’s only known for a couple of weeks. And she has no spine- And Elbetrah gets defensive and presses her lips together and says "Do you ever have a conversation without talking about the Steps? It’s like you’re in a cult or something!" Yeah, honey, it’s called Hillsterism. God, how utterly lame and useless IS this girl? So she bitches at him for "moving too fast!" and "breathing down my neck!" and stomps off. Gads. Like she should talk about "moving too fast"….

And over at the stupid PPAD, Kelly’s nursing ANOTHER glass of wine and watching Dylan flirt with some girl before coming over to brood at her and LawyerBoy. And Kelly uncharacteristically chides him all jokingly that "You never quit!" and wants to know "What about Amy?" and "How did you two meet, anyway?" Uh huh. And this eventually prompts LB to spew out some story about a gas station and beef jerky (i.e. what every Hillster Boy is… Beef Jerk-y) and Amy jumping on the back of Dylan’s bike. Because he’s Deliberately and Evilly lying to Kelly. And Kelly giggles at the tale and looks kinda bleary-eyed… mebbe she’s supposed to be tipsy or something? And Dylan announces that Donna’s web site is running, and Kelly slurs that she’s gonna go call and congratulate her. Which leaves LB and Dyl-head to rasp and brood at each other about LB’s lying. LB’s decided "Kelly’s too important to me" so that he HAS to lie… "I’m jus’ doin’ what YOU do!" adds LB to Dylie. Ouch. And Dylan rasps "You know better than me." Oh yeah. Dylan’s ALLOWED to lie and deceive because he knowingly doesn’t know better! This sounds just like the conversation Stevie had with Ryan where he said he NEEDED his dad to buy him a business because he wasn’t smart like Ryan. Uh huh. Anyway, so LB tells Dylan not to wait around "for me to blow it" because he’s not giving Kelly up. He’s, in fact, doing it FOR Kelly! Because she needs a man she can count on! What a kind soul he is! And Dylan rasps "I underestimated you." And LB… LB says, in a truly glorious shout-out that actually left me staring open-mouthed at the TV, "Yeah. It’s the sweater vests" and makes Big Significant Eyebrows at Dylan. Ooooh. And I start screeching dementedly at the TV.

And back at Homelice Haven for Wayward Alcoholics, Noah’s porch-sittin’ and slurping coffee, and Elbetrah comes in the gate to announce she wants to show him something. I’m hoping it’s the broken end of a whiskey bottle against his throat, but I just can’t let my hopes be raised again…. It hurts too much to see Noah continue to Exist in Hillsterland….

And over at Casa Skeevy… Janet the BJNW has gone past mere Bossy, Jealous and Nagging into Irrational, Selfish and Wildly Immature. Stevie wants to know where the toothpaste is. Janet announces she "cut the tube in half" which didn’t work as well as it did with the toilet paper…. Stevie really DID find a wife as mature as he is, didn’t he? Anyway, Stevie and Janet bitch at each other, and Stevie claims his money was an escape hatch "for us! For US!" not for himself. So… was he knowingly keeping the money from her? Was he lying about "forgetting" to tell her? Anyway, he gives some Dwanollah-inspired speech – on patronizingly bended knee – about how Janet and Maddie are "my responsibility!" and he’s worried about failing… he’s protecting them "from my screw-ups!" And Janet, once Stevie admits to her how screwed up he is, immediately calms down, as usual. And she tells him that "the best part about this marriage thing, honey" is that he doesn’t "have to go through this alone! You don’t have to keep secrets!" Aren’t they sweet? Janet, treating her husband with fond bossy maternalness and Stevie, acting the immature and belligerent yet earnest baby for his wife…. Kinda makes you believe in all those corny love songs, huh?

And over at the still-and-yet-again Nat-less Peach Pit, Davy’s maniacally salting his French fries and Donna’s babbling about an order from Albuquerque. And then, Donna, all pretending to be friendly and nice (but really just being nosy and underhanded) says "Camille misses you! She said that… you haven’t called her. You’ve just always been the type to call… it’s a trait I always admired about you." Yeah, ‘cos there ain’t much else to admire about Davy Silver and his ways with women. And Davy, either really pissy or really relishing it, goes "So the two of you were… discussing this?" And Donna demurs, but says that "when you’re folding dozens of t-shirts, sometimes topics happen to come up… like ‘why is David being such a mopey butthead?’ – those were her words, not mine!" Because Camille is so Evil to be asking such things, and Donna would never ever think of being so Evil and Wretched and Selfish enough to call Davy a mopey butthead. And Donna tells Davy he should call Camille and apologize, and Davy goes "Check please," like a major asshole with attitude… and, hey, wotta coincidence, huh? And then Donna repeats the Hillster Pre-Breakup Truism, "You know, if you keep acting this way, you might push away something good," which is the same speech we’ve had to hear Davy give HER about three different times in the last three months. And Davy… oh my God, what a DICK! Davy says darkly "Well Donna, maybe that’s what I’m trying to do!" And Donna… Donna looks at him all speculatively, as if this is something, like, PROMISING, instead of a warning sign that Davy is A MAJOR SELFISH PRICK when it comes to being honest, communicating, and handling relationships! And then Davy broods and rasps "Jus’ lemme figure it out, okay?" Oh, poor, angst-ridden Davy… he can’t HELP being an asshole! And Donna nods as if hypnotized, making Sticky Lip Twitches the whole time… well, until a LuAnn Pruit look-alike Psycho Fan comes up and exclaims "Donna Martin?!" and gushes about how she just bought stuff and "tried to log on yesterday" blah blah blah. Um… how did she find out about the web site? She doesn’t look like the "usual" young, trendy, hip Donna Martin customer. Is Donna advertising? Is she part of a web ring? Are we to believe that the word-of-mouth on donnamartinoriginals.com is so intense right now that even we skanky Valley People have heard about it? You know, like someone on the boards mentioned already, why wasn’t Donna advertising the new site at the store…? I mean, it was kinda dumb that the web site wasn’t nowwearthis.com… (but, of course, that would take away from the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest that donnamartinoriginals.com connotes…). And Donna’s web site said nothing about her store, either… no "As seen at Now Wear This…" or nuthin’. Isn’t that, like, ignoring your already-established customer base? Anyway, the whole point of this Psycho Fan, after the initial Star-Fucking of Donna-Tori’s Ego, is that she thinks that Davy is… Mitch! "You’re even cuter than I imagined! Good luck to both of you!" See! If she thinks that Donna and Davy (even if she does think he’s Mitch) are "cute" and that it’s soooo cooool that they’re together, then Donna and Davy MUST be MEANT to-

Anyway, Donna goes all contrivedly "Did she just think…?" and giggles. And Davy goes "Yeah…." And Donna looks at Davy and giggles. And Davy looks at Donna and goes "*huuh*" And Donna goes "*heeh!*" and looks down with more demure, little-girlish Sticky Smiles…. And then stares back at Davy with more Sticky Moues. And Davy stares back, digging a hunk of fry out of his teeth with his tongue. And Donna gazes bashfully down again… and takes an eeeeeny weeeeeeny miniscule bite of pie. Yeah.

Good God. Elbetrah directs Noah to a playground, where she points out her 6-year-old daughter Caitlin… what "tops the list of things I’ve done wrong." And Noah mumbles something until Elbetrah starts to cry again and wants to go. Great.

And over at Homeslice House, Camille’s come a-doinging over to see Davy, despite the fact that he’s left her a message that he’d be over later. And Davy does the Typical Guy Passive-Aggressive Break Up Thing, not even letting her in the house, but sitting outside, holding some papers or something. And Camille thinks it’s all because of "the infamous Camille Desmond temper" which she "was going to wait until month six" to reveal. Because we sure saw Camille getting angry at Davy, not just looking all Pathetic Girlfriend-y at him, huh? And then Davy dumps Camille’s ass with the excuse that he "just wanted to pick a fight… it wasn’t very cool… you deserve better than me…" (Yeah, yeah, THAT’s understatement of the decade… if only you really believed it, Davy…) and "Camille, I’m so sorry… we just don’t belong together." (Yeah, as if he’s concerned one iota for Camille.) And so Camille starts bawling, because losing Davy must really, REALLY hurt… and nods at the paper in his hand "And if that was going to be a letter… thanks for having the guts to do it in person!" (Yeah, as if she hadn’t forced the issue by showing up.) Bye, Camille.

And over at Dysfunction Junction, Kelly’s in her Rose Colored bedroom, swishing around in what is ostensibly Jackie’s wedding dress that Jackie wants Kelly to wear (although she didn’t mention it for Kelly’s last wedding… and even though, of COURSE, Donna’s already doing sketches of a Much Better Dress, despite the fact that she’s been sooooo busy with the web site)… a dress that looks awfully contemporary for the mid-sixties. And LB calls and informs Kelly that he just ordered a pizza that’s on its way to her house, and wants to know "What’s that swishing around?" And Kelly informs him that she’s wearing a wedding dress, and "Larry, my other fiancé, beat you to the punch!" Cute. Why not "Brandon, my other fiancé?" So LB offers to get Kelly some more wine (which makes three wine references in one show) before they coo their "I love you"s. And the doorbell rings, and of COURSE it isn’t the pizza guy, but a brooding Dylan McKay who was "just in the neighborhood." Right. And he stares, all gob-smacked, at Kelly smugly preening and prancing and twisting the knife by asking "What do you think?" in a wedding gown. And Dylan, of course, pained to the core of his being, has to rasp about how it’s "the second time I’ve seen you wearing a wedding dress to marry someone else." And Kelly chides "Maybe this time you’ll stay for the wedding!" And I’m surprised they’re actually acknowledging that Kelly was supposed to get married before. And Dylan ONCE AGAIN has to rasp "Matt’s the lucky guy." Is this, like, a daily thing until LB leaves? And anyway, Dylan refuses to come in and rasps at Kelly that "you look beautiful" and leaves Kelly there on the porch in a wedding gown pouting her rosebud lips.

I can hardly stand the dramatic intensity…. If only the next three episodes can be as exciting as this one….

And, based on the next week’s scenes, Donna and Davy are already all over each other (which I guess makes sense if they’re going to reunite, declare love, decide to get married, and plan the wedding in, what, 14 days?) and, check out the plot twist, now DYLAN is the one "choosing"…. Boy. I can’t wait.

I’ve been mulling over the show’s Final Episode. I mean, of COURSE we know about the Barbie Dreamhouse Wedding. Of COURSE we know that Kelly and Dylan will declare their lurve for each other after Kelly catches the bouquet and Dylan catches the garter. But what else might happen…? Like Val coming back to 1) announce that she and Brandon are getting married or 2) she’s buying back the PPAD. Or Ohndrea and Jesse having "worked things out" and are having another kid. Or Noah sailing off into the sunset. Or Stevie going to work for his Daddy in full capacity after he and Janet sell The Beat (although if Janet’s pregnant at the show’s finale, I’ll hunt her down and kill her)….

Anyway, the best (IMHO) Unexpected Season Finale Prediction wins this week’s prize package. Knock yerselves out, guys!

Dwanollah thinks Brandon and Andrea woud make a TOTALLY Kute coupel or maybe Brandon and Valerie she always did love him....


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