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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:MAY 5, 1999:
"Dog’s Best Friend"
MAY 5, 1999


Um. . . Britney Spears for the opening music? I guess "hit me baby one more time" sums up the whole philosophy behind Hillsterland, huh?

Um, whatup with the Elvis dude in front of Aardvarks Odd Ark in the opening credits, huh? I'll have you know, I spent many an hour at that store, and nary a fake Elvis in sight. Whatup with the whole Elvis thing on 90210, anyway?

Um, Dylan wants to go to Joshua Tree and build a fire and camp out? AGAIN?

Um, Vegas? Davy, um, your job?

Um, Stevie? Janet? Establishing a computer dating program and implementing it and marketing it and having success with it in, like, a week? And, like, Janet, whatup with "talk or sleep after sex...?" What kind of questionnaire is that?! And whatup with YET ANOTHER Janet-realized-Skeevy-Stevie-is-The-One bullshit? In fact, what up with YET ANOTHER Skeevy-Stevie's-current-girlfriend-realizes-Skeevy-Stevie-is-The-One plot...?

And speaking of Janet, whatup with the Janet the Math and Science Genius stuff? Didn't I, in fact, say that Janet = Asian Clare? Dear Mr. Spelling, make the check out to Dwanollah, that's D-W-A-N-

Whatup with Donna DRIVING TO THE BEAT OFFICES to get a phone number when she could have, um, CALLED FROM THE CAR PHONE THAT SHE WENT TO CALL THE REALTOR FROM...? I mean, not that that sentence is grammatically correct, but, you know...

Whatup with all the Skeevy Stevie Queenieness...? I mean, Toasty Bun Buns, Pop Tarts and prancing around all in one 90-second scene? And I could swear that the computer screen said something about a "44 yr. old male" when Stevie was looking for his Perfect Match.

Um, hey, Wayne-Bob, whatup with you, like, shuffling out of Donna's store like Cro-Magnum Boy and RUNNING YOUR HANDS ON HER NICE CLEAN GLASS DOORS?

Hey, Davy? Could you, like, refrain from Doing Comedy please? Not that you aren't bril, but we wouldn't want to upstage Donna-Tori. Tard.

Um, Dyl-head? Whatup with giving your phone number to a one-night-stand you have no intention of seeing again. And Davy, whatup with your hypocritical and sanctimonious bullshit? Like, did you get some kick out of using Mary AS MUCH AS DYLAN DID AS A MEANS TO YOUR SELFISH ENDS?

Um, Donna? Just curious, hon, but, who's Evil Twin are you, a la the t-shirt...? Tori's?

Was it just me or did Skeevy Stevie's Statuesque Blonde of the Moment look a little she-male-ish...? Okay, so whatup with Dr. Silver TOTALLY BETRAYING EVERY MEDICAL ETHIC IN THE BOOK BY TELLING KELLY ABOUT GINA'S BULIMIA?! And whatup with Dr. Taylor, psych queen and former diet pill popper, being so freaking insensitive and tactless and "whatever" about Gina's problem...? Like, she wouldn't expect Gina to be defensive under the circumstances...?

Uh, camera people? Whatup with that weird Dylan Forehead/Side of Face shot after Gina slammed the door in his face?

And hey, guys, let's talk about Donna and Wayne-Bob's Big Scene, shall we? Like, all this talk about The One and the "so, if we're meant to be together, then nothing I do can stop it" and "our actions have no consequences"... DOESN'T THAT TOTALLY SUM UP THE ENTIRETY OF 90210 AS WE KNOW IT?! F'Gawd's sweet sake!

And the Kelly rape thing...? Like, did we have to do the Stalker Boots scene again? And whatup with the bodice ripping? Gratuitous, no? The only high points of the show were Gina's biting comments about Kelly's "psychobabble" and how "truly wonderful" she is. Haw!

Dwanollah shoulda been working on papers, but....


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