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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:MAY 10, 2000
"I'm Happy For You... Really"
May 10, 2000

Wow, guys. So this is it. The Final Rant. I seriously didn’t see this coming when I first started posting those WHY Lists a couple years ago. It was just, like, a sanity break from schoolwork…. But soon… within a matter of months… my ego was out of control, my Lists and Rants were taking up pages and pages of Word docs, and I was sucking up any and all Board Praise like a carp in an algae-filled pond! And now here I am, trying to come up with consummate bitching worthy of a Final Rant….

But speaking of nasty, scum-sucking stuff… let the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest rage on like never before, because this week’s "Remember" is Donna (AGAIN) cooing "Remember the first time…?" and Davy coming into Donna’s room to find her all decked out in virginal white lingerie! Ick. And then Now-Donna chirps "I’m pretty sure David has a good memory of it, too!" Yeah, because finally getting to fuck you - in all your nylon stocking’d push up bra’d glory - must’ve been the highlight of his stupid life, you skank. And for the millionth time, Davy didn’t "wait" for you, Donna! He screwed at LEAST four other girls that we know of (whoever his First Time was with, Ariel, Claire and Val) before he finally got to doink your Plasticine bod.

And over at the Homeslice House, we open with Donna and Davy watching a cheesy horror movie that is supposedly one of the many important interests they have in common and indicates that they are True Soulmates. And in case we might’ve had any doubts about these finally episodes being Donna-centric to the nth degree, we get an immediate French Manicure Shot, with the added twist that it’s Donna’s TOENAILS, not fingernails, as she and Davy engage in some oh-so-kute foot-wrestling contest. And Davy pushes Donna’s feet back and proclaims himself "the Victor!" while Donna lies helplessly, giggling with the sheer delight that an evening foot-wrestling with Davy must provide. And Davy pounces on Donna, her boobies doing serious damage to her little pink tank top, and growls "So this is your idea of a date?" And Donna coos in her sweet lil’ girl voice that "after ten years, I thought we could just skip the dating portion, I’m not very good at it." So… is that supposed to explain why they’re going to be getting married after only 2 weeks of dating? And, hey, DONNA’S actually wearing a Big Honkin’ Watch! And Davy growls "That’s just ‘cos you’ve been dating the wrong guys!" And Donna coos "Oh yeah?" And they start up a cacophony of noisy, smacking kisses, with Donna looking like she’s going to suck a tennis ball through 8 feet of garden hose or something. And then Donna coos that "as my best friend, you could’ve told me sooner." Because, yeah, Davy’s the authority on dating. No wonder he has that hit radio talk show. And I also have to mention one last time how much I HATE the whole "you’re my best friend" b.s. with couples… it just seems to trivialize things to a high-schoolish level. Like those gooky wedding invitations that say "Today I marry my best friend/the one I laugh with/live for/love." Or the endless Hallmark cards about "You aren’t just my husband/wife, you are my best friend." Or the grossening sappy love songs about "I’ll be your friend and I’ll be your lover." As if it’s necessary to attach a label to your love relationship just to make sure that EVERYONE KNOWS that this person is, like, EVERYTHING to you! "Best friend" is just way too silly and puerile a label to pin on The Husband-Type Man to try to convey the love, trust and joy I experience with our relationship.

But there’s an abrupt end to the Donna-Davy Lurve Marathon, because Noah opens the front door and sees Davy mounting Donna on the front room couch. And Donna and Davy pretend to be all surprised. Um, why would it never occur to anyone that maybe Homeslice House isn’t the best place for a make-out session, seeing as Donna’s ex-boyfriend lives there? Anyway, Noah, upon seeing his beloved Donna, the only woman he could ever REALLY love, goin’ at it with Davy, becomes so distraught that he rushes to the kitchen, grabs a knife from the block on the counter and, mumbling "Howcouldjoodothist’me, Donna?" brokenheartedly, plunges the knife into his-

Oh. Darn.

So Davy and Donna BOTH wipe their lips, and Donna breaks into her Guilty Little Girl Sad Sticky Lip Twitch routine and Davy and Noah exchange mumbles about why Noah’s there. And then Noah mumbles "I’mjusgonnagetouttahere’kay?" and rushes off to go cry about the fact that Donna "Venus in Track Pants" Martin has been torn cruelly from him. And then Donna and Davy exchange inanities about how Noah "took that well" and "I just hope Camille does." And supposedly Camille is SO distraught over losing a guy as sweet and loving at dynamic and dazzling as Davy Silver that she’s had to LEAVE TOWN FOR A WEEK. But don’t worry… she’s coming back "tonight" and will be at work "tomorrow." So Davy and Donna decide that the best way to welcome Camille back from a cross-country flight late at night, and when she has to work in the morning, is for Davy to get ahold of her to announce that he and Donna have gotten back together. How considerate.

Over to The Peach Pit, where LawyerBoy’s still trying to sell Kelly on Seattle (as if Kelly would EVER move ANYWHERE) by telling her that the band that they’re seeing over at the PPAD is "out of Seattle" which is "home to the nation’s seventh-largest population of artists." Okay, LawyerBoy, whatever. And Kelly chirpily announces to all and sundry that "My Fiancé has been brainwashed by the Greater Seattle Chamber of Commerce!" But oh no! LawyerBoy tells her that there’s no Seattle Chamber of Commerce because "it’s such a great city that they’ve had to discourage people from going there." Okay, LawyerBoy, whatever. And LawyerBoy asks Kelly "So what does that tell you?" And Kelly, using that special 90210 brand of subtlety, says "That there’re a lot of people who want what they can’t have." GEDDIT? And the whole time, Kelly’s making goofy faces and faces like her lips got squooshed back into her face, and even sticking out her tongue at one point, because that silly LB would actually think that Kelly could leave 90210 and all her friends!

If the PPAD is supposedly hosting a hot band tonight, why is the Peach Pit so damned dead?

Anyway, then that Mysterious, Brooding Rebel Man Dylan McKay shows up. And Kelly chirps "Hey Dylan" in a fake-bright-strained voice. And Dylan just glowers broodingly at Kelly and Her Fiancé. And Nat, who’s been using some RILLY bad Grecian formula, brings over some plate brimmin’ with chow for Dyl-head, because, you know, Nat has nothing better to do than cater to the Hillsters’ every whim. And Dylan broods and rasps that his order is "to go." "But I thought you said it was for here!" whines Nat in disbelief, sounding a lot like Luke wanting to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. So then Dylan LOOKS over toward at Kelly and LB, and Nat LOOKS over that way too, and Kelly LOOKS back while LB just looks shamefaced, and then Nat all "yes massah" goes "My mistake… I do that sometimes," and bears Dylan’s plate back to the kitchen. I hope he’s gonna hock a big loogie in the brown gravy before he puts it in a Styrofoam container. And Kelly, still LOOKING at Dylan, demands "Come eat with us," but Dylan is far too angst-ridden to share a meal with Kelly and Her Fiancé, and just LOOKS back and kinda shakes his head mutely before stomping back to the PPAD. Poor Dylan. He’s suffered, endured so much in these years: Jack. Kelly. Jack again. Kelly again. How he must hurt…. In the immortal words of John Taylor, "I feel sad, I feel sad, I feel sad and I want my dad."

So sitting at the counter, Kelly makes Pissy Squonchy Faces. And that big gallut LawyerBoy goes all doofusy "What’s going on?" And Kelly snips "Nothing." But then she thinks better of it, because this is, after all, a prime chance to see if LB RILLY loves her. So she announces that Dylan "decided, on his own, just out of the blue, that he wants to BE with me!" And all doubtful-like, Kelly-whipped LB goes "He told you this?" And Kelly, making more Squonchy Faces and trying hard not too look too smug, goes "In his own way." Because, see, Dylan and Kelly are SUCH Soulmates that they can communicate deeply and spiritually even though We the TV Viewers are just hearing "blah blah blah "I want" blah blah blah selfish dysfunctioncakes." And LawyerBoy’s looking all bemused, so Kelly backpedals and goes "He’s just trying to stir things up! Don’t let him, okay? I don’t plan on it! Now, tell me more about Seattle!" And LawyerBoy is all sulking and pouting, and grumbles "I’m not gonna sell you on a life that you don’ want. I’m not remotely interested in that," basically acknowledging that it’s ALL about whether KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT or not. But Kelly, who still WANTS the Quintessential Bourgeois Life with all the trappings: husband, 2.5 kids, picket fence around the house, coos "Enlighten me! So that I can make an educated decision about where I want to live with My Husband!" Yeah.

And this week’s opening music is something about "I’m so hungry I could die," perhaps in reference to the fact that - despite the baby-spoonful of ice cream three weeks ago - we all know Tori never eats in order to keep her starving girl/ish figure. And we get shots of the usual LA stuff… Rodeo Drive… the pink façade of the BH Hotel… the jogging paths in Santa Monica… all of the shops on Melrose, including Ardvaark’s Odd Ark, where I used to buy vintage stuff five years ago (although this time they aren’t using the shot with the fake Elvis standing in front, which, in all my years of shopping there, I never ever ever saw). Ah, LA. Hard to believe that when I first started reading the 90210 boards, I was living in the middle of all that…. Then we moved to Philly last year… and now we’re living in New York. And in September- Well, I’ll get to that later.

So over at 7250 Yeah Right Blvd., Donna’s showing up to work bright and early to discover that Camille’s already at the store, with a great big sunshiny grin, no less. And she greets Donna with "I brought some muffins this morning… and some Pennsylvania Dutch pretzels from my sister’s…. Fat free." Because Donna needs to watch her weight. But predictably, Donna, making Innocent Faces at Camille the whole time, goes "Maybe later," patting her stomach a few times… not, I’m sure, because she’s so worried about what Camille’s reaction to her is going to be that she couldn’t eat, but because she already took three deep breaths this morning, and that’s all she needs to get by until lunchtime. And then Donna asks "So… did you have an okay time in Philadelphia?" which I, of COURSE, will take as a personal shout-out. And Camille whines that it was "hard at first," because she’s had to deal with the utter heartbreak of losing a guy as phenomenal as Davy and a relationship as great and special as the less-than-a-dozen-weeks that they shared together. And, despite her pending Otherization this episode, she’s still a Hillster Girl at heart, because she then says that she "was here at 8 … wondering if David was trying to reach me. Pathetic, isn’t it?" You said it, dollface, not me. And Donna plays innocent some more and asks her "Did you speak to him?" and Camille signs "No… he left two messages at home last night…. Let him wonder, right?" Well, I’m wondering about Camille’s logic… playing all Rules Girl hard-to-get, yet hanging out at the store in case Davy was trying to call…? I don’t get it. And Donna continues to play all nice ‘n innocent and makes Sticky Lips and says in her breathy Little Girl Voice "Well, obviously he wants to talk to you." And Camille says deprecatingly "Donna, he called twice. We only broke up a week ago, what could be so urgent? Unless… he had a change of heart." Okay, Camille’s losing me again. She wants Davy to call but doesn’t want to talk to him… no, wait, she does want to talk to him and is bummed that he … no, wait, now he’s calling too much and that’s bad… no wait, it might be good…. So Camille asks Donna "What do you think?" And Donna gives Camille some b.s. about "I can’t really speak for David." And Camille protests "Donna, you talk to him every day!" Because, you know, DONNA AND DAVY ARE BESTEST BESTEST FRIENDS! And they do some whining about how "But you guys were having problems" "Yeah, but out of the blue!" And then Donna actually finally says "Well, David’s a thoughtful guy" and Camille says earnestly "Exactly! He overthinks!" Aw, who’re they trying to convince? And Camille continues that "Things were so perfect so fast!" Yeah, that’s it. "I mean, what else can it be?" Camille continues to blither "I mean, what else can it be?" all naively, while Donna continues to pretend that she doesn’t know nuthin’ and she and Davy didn’t do anything skeevy by hooking up only a day or so after he dumped Camille… not even having the courtesy, the integrity, or the INTELLIGENCE, to, like, wait for even just a few weeks as a transition period. I mean, really....

And speaking of skeevy, over at Casa Skeevy, PodJanet yelps "OW!" Oh, no, don’t say it…. But Janet does. "Oh my God, she bit me!" PodJanet exclaims, buttoning up her working woman blouse in the nursery of Casa Skeevy (which, from the position of the bathroom, is clearly Brandon’s old room. How appropriate). And Skeevy Stevie comes rushing in, because it all sounds kinda kinky…. And Janet, hefting a newer, hairer, plumper Maddie/y, roots around Maddie/y’s drooly mouth and exclaims "Oh my God, what is that? Is that at tooth?" And Stevie goes "Yeah, isn’t that cute?" And Maddie/y goes "Almost as cute as your thinning, overbleached Lil’ Caesar ‘do, Dad." And Janet the Bossy, Jealous, Nagging Wife goes all bossy and jealous and naggingly, "You knew this was happening?!" And Stevie goes "Yeah, I saw a little speck of white the other day." And Janet the BJNW moans "Her first tooth, and I missed it." And Maddie/y goes "No, Ma, I just showed you, judging from your earlier ‘OW!’ And maybe we’d have more quality time together if you didn’t spend so much time fixing your hair in those zillions of pincurls…." And, gee, we CAN’T SEE THIS WHOLE THING COMING, CAN WE? Because in Hillsterland, the Hillster Girl’s place is home with the kid… CERTAINLY not making more moolah than the hubby. But Janet’s on roll, and continues to whine "What’s next, her first [shoutout!] tuba recital" And Skeey Stevie goes "Oh no. Our daughter’s NOT playing the tuba. She won’t have any dates when she’s older if she’s playing the tuba." And Maddie/y goes all sarcastically "But gee Pa, if I practice really hard on the tuba, then by the time I get to West Bev, I’ll bet I could give the best blow jobs in school!" And Janet the BJNW whines "I really wanna be with her but I wanna work, too." And Maddie/y goes "Welcome to life, Ma." And Skeevy Stevie goes "We had the best of both worlds…. We don’t have to sell." And Janet whines "Are you sick of staying home?" And Maddie/y goes "Oh, give me a break! As if Daddy here is soooo ambitious and hardworking that it’s just too, too painful for him to give up the professional world to stay at home and watch TV?!" And Stevie goes "I don’t know. But we still have our negotiating stance." Because I’m sure they could just tell this guy ‘no, we changed out minds, sorry’ and expect him to go ‘okay’ and leave. And then Stevie says "Just tell [whoever] that you don’t wanna work so much." And Janet grumbles "Yeah, that’s exactly what they’d expect…A woman in the workplace with a baby just loses ambition." But Janet, what could be a more fulfilling job than raising Skeevy Stevie’s child and going to the dry cleaners and buying your own mint unwaxed floss so that your husband isn’t unmanned by such insignificant little detail things, but can concentrate on bringing home the bacon like a real man? After all, if a woman shows her husband how much she needs him, he’ll take care of her. And that, my dear, is something the wisest and most ambitious woman will recognize. (Hey, writers? The fact that you’re trying to appease me with this acknowledging-the-stereotypicality of Janet’s lil’ domestic conundrum doesn’t make it any less annoyingly stereotypical, m’kay?) And then Stevie complains some more not only about the fact that Janet’s now working too much and not spending enough time with him and the baby, but about the, ahem, quality of the stories in the Beat. Because in a week, I guess old what’s-his-face has managed to take over everything and write and run all-new stories or something…? Anyway, so Stevie gives Janet a page of "editorial notes" before she coldly ditches her family like the callous, unfeeling, career-obsessed ball-breaker that she it. In what world would Skeevy Stevie Sanders be able to compile editorial notes on anything, even the skeeviest tabloid in America? I’m sorry, at least Brandon took journalism in high school and college.

Okay, what’s grosser than gross? You got it… Kelly AND Donna shopping together for lingerie. Why, after only a week, and with things still unresolved with Camille and all, is Donna shopping for Intimate Apparel? I just can’t see having sex with someone so soon after getting together/back together… but obviously I’m not as passionate and loving as Donna and Davy. "Sexy lingerie… I can’t think of any better way to say ‘I love you’," baby-talks Kelly as she and Donna start picking up teeny little thongs and padded bras. Well, Kelly, at the risk of sounding skeevy myself, as we were watching the show, The Husband-Type Man heartily agreed with you. And Donna, holding a padded A-cup in front of her Silicone Valley and making faces, goes "Well, even when I knew how I felt about David I guess I was just really scared to take that leap, you know?" Ah… what’s Donna talking about? Now? Her Great White Sacrifice in her virginal lace get-up? Telling Davy she loved him? Doinking him? "Speaking of which," continues Donna, "how IS Dylan?" And Kelly pouts and throws down a black thong and goes "He’s not talking to me which is SO obnoxious because EVERYTHING was fine!" Hmmm. Silent treatment. Sounds like the Dylan-Kelly Relationship is still operating on the maturity level we’ve come to expect. And Donna, what with the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest going on, gets to play Relationship Guru and tells Kelly "But you’re the one that said all or nothing." As if that’s EVEN the crux of the problem. And to make matters worse, Donna’s making know-it-all faces and raising her eyebrows, because she has the market cornered on healthy relationships now that she and Davy are back together. And as Donna examines the black thong that Kelly already discarded, Kelly whines "Yeah but I didn’t mean it so literally! I mean... [huff] ...you know, I never should’ve let him narrow down the categories, there is a LOT between all or nothing!" Oh, fuck me, Kelly! First of all, way to put it all on Dylan, as if he MADE you say "all or nothing." And second, here we go with the backpedaling again, as if it’s a bad thing that a Hillster Girl made her needs known… especially if they might be in conflict with a Hillster Boy. And third, was that yet another meta-statement, to use an xixism, on this stupid show? But Kelly continues to grumble morosely "I’ll need long underwear if we move to Seattle." And WHY don’t either of the stupid dinks acknowledge the fact that they’re admitting to themselves and each other that Kelly is marrying LawyerBoy despite the fact that they ALL know she and Dylan have all these Unresolved Feelings that causes them to have Drama every few weeks, and is considering moving to Seattle in order to avoid the inevitable break-up of her and Her Fiancé…which is all really unhealthy, immature, creepy AND selfish! And Donna goes "Are you REALLY considering that?" Oh, don’t be silly, Donna, of COURSE Kelly isn’t! The gravitational pull of 90210 is operating on us all, and no one would EVER really leave Hillsterland… or if they do, they get sucked back into the Hillster Vortex. But Kelly’s still keeping up the pretense as she pouts and whimpers "I dunno…maybe…" while inspecting a rack of silk teddies. "I just don’t understand what goes on in Dylan’s head, you know?" she adds. Well, of COURSE you don’t, Kelly! It’s because he’s such a brooding and mysterious man! Why, his inaccessibility is what makes him soooo attractive! And speaking of attractive, boy, Donna’s Cavern sure looks mighty fine, don’t it? And Donna, in her capacity as the All Knowing, tells Kelly in a der-tone that "Uh, he doesn’t want you to marry someone else!" And then Kelly - dear sweet considerate and loving Kelly - actually sniffs "Well, I don’t even want his attitude at MY wedding! I’m gonna go talk to him this afternoon!" And Donna, because she knows EVERYTHING, informs Kelly "Oh, don’t bother, I talked to him this morning, he’s going to be surfing at Point Dume [DUME/DOOM... geddit? DOOOOM!] all day." And Kelly sneers "Well, you have to admire his work ethic." Um, 1) shout-out! And 2) Kelly’s gone beyond needing to pick the log out of her own eye to needing to disgorge the entire freaking FOREST! And she and Donna glare at some more lingerie before declaring "I don’t like any of this" and "Me neither" and Kelly grabs Donna and drags her off to another Scanty Shop.

And… criminy…. "HimynamesNoah….anImanalcoholic." "Hi Noah." And then Noah announces to everyone "Look, IlosDonna’cosIdrank…." Yeah, that alone should tell you how good this B-plot is gonna be…. So Noah starts bemoaning the Loss of Donna as, of COURSE, Elbetrah comes into the meeting - late, I might add, because again, she’s SUCH a responsible and mature person that she can’t even make it to an AA meeting on time - and stands there and starts to cry as she hears again how Tragic the Loss of Donna is to Noah. And as soon as Noah spies her, she runs off crying, because that’s just what she does best. And Noah goes barreling after her so that she can cry to him about how "hearing about your great love for Donna" affects her. I know we’ve asked this before, but it’s worth another go-’round… WHAT is the purpose of Elbetrah and this stupid plot, anyway, other than the usual vehicle for continued Donna-Tori Ego Fucking? I mean, yeah, I know Vincent Young was "involved" with Tori and all, but WHY couldn’t they’ve killed off Noah in a nice, fiery explosion? A drunk driving accident? A gun mishap? Adventures with concrete blocks and a swimming pool? A brick dropped into the Jeep from a convenient overpass? Rat poison?

And in what I’d like to take as a shout-out to Ohndrea Zuckerman taking over the paper and turning it into the Southland Independent in our LWOOE, Skeevy Stevie, wearing a baby-in-a-sling, comes doinging into a bustling Beverly Beat office. And he announces to some harried guy that "I’m Steve Sanders… founding father of The Beat." And thankGodfully, the guy looks at him like "what the hell are you talking about?" until Stevie finally goes "Steve Janet’s Husband Steve," which clears things right up. And so Janet comes rushing over to coo over Maddie/y and Stevie, and Old What’shisname, the new Beat Guy, comes over to brush aside Stevie’s editorial comments and tell Janet there’s an "editorial roundtable, seven thirty, Wendy’s taking dinner orders." And Janet looks all guilty..... And Stevie bitches her out for not asking to work less, which makes Janet the BJNW drag Stevie out to the hallway for a loving interlude… evidently the New Boss has offered Janet a better job "running another magazine. It’s called Nouveaux, and he said it was smart and snappy" (although it sounds a lot like she says "smart and sappy").

Well. That doesn’t sit too well with Stevie. "Oh. As opposed to what you’re working on here?" he snips. "Well, it would be a different level of writing, yes...." Janet ventures. And Maddie/y goes "Good God, Pa, give it a break! You can’t expect Mommy to work for a stupid tabloid forever, can you? Are you so penis-centric that you think it’s up to you to set her goals and ambitions for her?" Yeah. I mean, Janet’s COMPLETELY blowing her role as a Hillster Wife. She should know darned well that to leave the paper that Stevie "founded" is disloyalty of the worst kind. How DARE she?! She’s implying that what Stevie has provided her with isn’t nearly good enough! So Stevie starts whining about "What’ll happen to this place?!" And Janet tries to pacify him with the platitude that "The Beat will still be here" and calls the elevator for him. And Stevie starts complaining that he’s worked in that office "for three years, and NOW they fix the elevator?!" And he huffs and stomps into the elevator, and Janet huffs, and Stevie huffs again and Janet sighs, and Stevie, with a put-upon expression of Sadness, Bitterness and Disillusion, flops Maddie/y’s fist "bye-bye" at Janet and Janet pouts. And Maddie/y calls "Suck it up, big girl! I’ll talk to Goofy here on the way to the drugstore!"

Urg. Noah. Generic can of "COLA" in front of him. Dialing phone. Elbetrah at work answering phone, with no - N-O - work in front of her whatsoever. Mumble. Whine. Mumble. Whine. Elbetrah ignoring ringing phone to praise Noah for Saving her (because in, what, three whole weeks, Noah’s managed to rip her from the blackest pits of alcoholism and turn her into a functioning mother and adult? Yeah, right). Elbetrah reflects on her dependency on him. "Sound healthy?" (shout out!) she asks facetiously. No, honey, unhealthy... not to mention BORING AS HELL! GO AWAY "I have a list... a list of things to do... things like ‘Feed Caitlin dinner’ and ‘pick her up from school’ and ‘do the laundry’... ‘open mail’...." Yeah, yeah, I know Gustave said list-making was part of the whole 12-steppin’ thing, but... how stupid IS this girl if she has to remind herself to feed her daughter? What else, Elbetrah? "Wake up... open eyes... get out of bed... undress... get into shower... don’t forget to turn on water... use soap AND shampoo on body and hair, respectively...." So Elbetrah actually decides to do the adult, responsible thing and LJBFs Noah so she can concentrate on what’s most important: her daughter and staying sober. But it doesn’t make her any more appealing than a bag of wet socks that someone forgot to bleach.

And over at 7250 Yeah Right Blvd., Donna is back to work after her oh-so-important lingerie shopping date with Kelly. And Camille saunters in in a parody of nonchalance. "How was that for the longest lunch in history?" Well gosh! By Now Nair This standards, she must’ve been gone at LEAST three hours to merit a "longest lunch" comment! And Donna goes "Well, I was gone for a while too, there wasn’t exactly a line when I got back." So both of these dedicated career women just... closed the store and left for lunch? Hello?! Judging from Donna’s little trip with Kelly, it’s clear that lunch time is a prime time for potential customers to be out shopping! And Camille announces "Well, I was a little upset... I just saw David." And Donna goes "hmmm" with her sticky red lips all stuck together as she plays innocent. And Camille continues "I’m not going to talk about it or think about it I’m just going to push through!" Were you, like me, waiting for the Inevitable Hijinx of Donna gushing "I’m so glad David told you about us, you know, him and me getting back together" and Camille going "WHAT are you talking about?!" But Donna, not looking at Camille, breathes in her earnest Little Girl Voice, "You should do what you need to do." Because Donna is soooo understanding and kind, and such a good friend, despite it all, isn’t she? And Camille, trying to contain her anguish, keeps staring all heartbrokenly away. And Donna whispers "I’m really sorry." And Camille whips her spiky head up to look at Donna in disbelief and bursts out (no, she actually doesn’t do the "WHAT are you talking about?!" that I anticipated) "Donna DON’T apologize! [Oh, God, don’t let her tell Donna all Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest-like that Donna has nothing to apologize for because Camille KNOWS Donna would never hurt her.... Oh. Phew.] You knew ALL ALONG that David wasn’t calling to get back together with me!" And Donna makes a couple more oh-so-innocent Sticky Lip Moues and sighs, and then Camille sighs "I sound like a bitter, dumped girl." And Donna Twitches a few more times and says gently "No... you sound hurt... and you have every right to be." Oh, yes, St. Donna, now suffer the poor, bitter, dumped, Otherized girls to come unto you! And Camille... and Camille’s leading the parade at the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest, and goes "Donna... please... don’t be nice... it just makes is [*choked sob*] harder [*choked sob*]!" and breaks into this rilly bad fake sobbing. And Donna breathes "C’mere" and Camille throws herself in Donna’s arms and pretends to cry some more and chokes "This is really awful, isn’t it...?" Bull’s-eye, Camille. REALLY awful. And Donna Twitches some more and breathes "Yes." And Camille fake-cries some more and goes "I mean, I’m sitting here HUGGING the other woman!" Oh. My. Gawd. Man, there’s as much sincerity in this scene as someone telling Tori "No, your breasts look TOTALLY natural... and so sexy, too!"

But if all that weren’t enough, Donna’s got to kick Camille when she’s down - nicely, of course, because Donna is SOOOO nice! - and sighs with winsome regret that "I...just... think this is just going to be too hard...." And Camille whines - I mean really WHINES - "On whooo?" And Donna makes more sweet, regretful faces and breathes in her earnest Little Girl Voice, "Oh both of us, to be honest.... So! What do you think we should do about the store?" Lookit Donna go! First she nicely stabs Camille in the back by hooking up with Davy mere hours after he dumped Camille, and now, in a matter of days, she’s nicely - always nicely, though - giving the knife a couple decided twists as she boots Camille’s weak and pathetic butt from the store! And Camille, initially resisting her inevitable Otherization, whines "Well, WORK here, I mean, that’s what we do!" (I’m going to refrain from comment....) And Donna’s lips are twitching as if they’re hooked up to independent pulley systems by this time, and she smiles pityingly and shakes her head with sweet, Little Girl earnestness, and goes "I’m sorry I don’t think that’s a good idea, but I’ll be more than happy to buy out your percentage." My Gawd. What kind of a vulture IS this girl?! And Camille fake-cries some more in desperation about how "I don’t want to sit at home and cry all day, I need to keep working!" And Donna goes all passive-aggressive on Camille and says all disingenuously "Okay, okay, that’s what we’ll do!" But she keeps making these put-upon sighs and Sticky Lip Moues and shaking her head as Camille stomps over to the register counter to fold two scarves and LOOK at Donna repeatedly... and Donna keeps huffing and twitching and shaking her head.

LawyerBoy and Kelly, who ONCE AGAIN seem to have escaped the confines of such silly, frivolous things as ACTUAL 9-5 DAY JOBS WITH REGULAR WORKING HOURS AND RESPONSIBILITIES AND COMMITMENTS TO WORKING AND HAVING TO WORK, are instead tooling around in LawyerBoy’s replacement non-repo’d car... that looks a lot like Dylan’s old Porsche convertible. And Kelly is gloating over some wedding-related something-or-other and announces gleefully "This caterer did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie’s wedding!" Ah. Okay, first we get the Doomed Couple thing. Second, Michael and Lisa Marie didn’t have a wedding, did they? I though they eloped to South America or somesuch. And third, Kelly really DOES get more self-absorbed and surface-oriented with each episode, doesn’t she? Anyway, Kelly adds that the caterer is going to have appetizer and wine samples, and asks the token "You don’t have to go back to the office, do you?" question of LawyerBoy. Puh-leese! Work? That’s for the little people, dah-ling! And Chumley Ersatz Über-White Bread Sweater-Vest Wearin’ LawyerBoy is listening to appropriately hokey white-bread elevator jazz Musak on the car radio. And Kelly makes faces and protests his musical selection, and switches to a news station, where some woman is announcing a surfing fatality at Point Dume. Dun dah DAAAAH! "Dylan’s... at Point Dume today," Kelly tells LawyerBoy. "There were warnings, they closed the beach ‘cos the waves were so high," LB tells Kelly. "Then I KNOW he’s there," says Kelly all tragically. Because she knows Dylan. And Dylan does dangerous, rebellious Rebel-Man things like surfing in rip-tides. Because he’s Dylan McKay... he laughs in the face of death. He is the Ultimate Renaissance Man. Oh, Dylan. And LB tries to pacify Kelly, but she’s making major Squonchy Faces and swallowing repeatedly and looking like she’s gonna hork. "I feel sick," she announces. Ditto. So she begs LB to drive to Point Dume to check. And LB, of course, agrees. Because he loves Kelly... loves her enough to let her go... if that’s what will make her happy.... And Kelly when they get to Point Dume, Kelly’s whining "Do you think we should call the police again?!" LB informs her that the police will only release info to next of kin. Well, duh... Kelly rebuts that "Dylan’s... father is in the witness protection program, his mother... communes with nature in Hawaii" and then points out the obvious, that in Hillsterland, "we ARE his next-of-kin!" And she’s still making those swallowing things like she’s gonna cough up a furball... until she spies some body - not just covered over with a sheet, but, like, bound up in it like a mummy or a Halloween ghost costume - being shoved into an ambulance. Good timing, huh? And LB tries to assure her that it’s not Dylan, and "You’re gonna see him again" and "believe me, he’s gonna be that same old mope he always was." But speaking of moping... Kelly’s chin has all but disappeared as she huddles in the passenger seat and despond.

If Kelly and Dylan are Soulmates, how come their spirits aren’t, like, psychically connected so that Kelly will just KNOW if Dylan is dead or alive...?

And over at the PPAD, an obviously horny Donna Martin is stalking Davy in his DJ booth, and they start osculating in earnest. And as Davy oh-so-professionally macks down on his beloved Donna in the oh-so-public DJ booth, of COURSE the crowd cheers them, because even the folks at the PPAD recognize that Donna and Davy are SUCH a PERFECT couple. So as the crowd hoots and hollers, I, watching with The Husband-Type Man, am groaning in disgust as Donna’s tongue plunders Davy’s mouth with the force of a Roto-Rooter, and THTM calls to Donna "Show us your tits!" ...upon which we get a very special side-shot Erect Nipple-Cam of Tori sticking her boobies all over the place. I mean, GROSS! And Donna coos "Sooo... we gonna wait for someone to tell us to get a room, or are you coming to my place tonight?" But, to Horny Donna’s chagrin, Davy says he isn’t getting off work until 2, and maybe they should make it another night. You mean Donna, for all she waited and waited and waited to lose her virginity and to make it "special" and all that, wants to just jump back into bed with Davy after a late-night work session mere DAYS after they’ve gotten back together? And then, oh, for the love of all that is good and holy, Davy coos to Donna "Who’s your best friend?" and Donna coos to Davy "Oh! You are!" and they slobber on each other some more.

And then Donna trolls over to the bar, where Skeevy Stevie is ordering a "dark, bitter ale" from Noah. And it’s Another Kooky Night with Donna Martin as she Does Comedy and goes "Two... no, no make that a lite beer... [*sigh*] Can I have a mineral water?" Yeah, that’s the Donna Martin we know and bash. And Noah smiles, because Donna is soooo adorable when she’s Doing Comedy (even though last time we saw Noah, he was none too happy at having caught Davy and Donna entangled on the couch). And Stevie goes "So, is it another kooky night for Donna Martin?" And Donna tee hees and asks if Janet’s home with Maddie/y... which gives Stevie leave to announce that Mrs. Sosna is, and bitch about how much Janet’s been working and how poor and abused he is to have such a nasty, ambitious wife who’s forced him to suffer for OVER A WEEK with her evil working late stuff! But then the subject turns to what’s REALLY important: namely, Donna, and how "disgustingly happy" she is with Davy. "Are you in the phase where you hide out in a cave and don’t answer the phone and eat Chinese food in bed?"... which makes Donna look all contemplatively at Davy in his DJ booth and ponder his cruel rejection of her amorous advances. And then Stevie heaps praise upon the alter of Donna-Tori and gushes "All that, and you run your own business! Think you can teach Janet to multi-task?" Because Donna Martin is the ULTIMATE WOMAN, isn’t she?! And then... hoo boy, as Donna might say... Donna and Stevie start Doing Skeevy Comedy. They yammer about "working late is no excuse" and "2AM is as good a time as any, you know what I mean?" and "if you want someone, if you RILLY RILLY WANT SOMEONE, you make it happen," all with a whole lotta Groucho Marx eyebrow action going on. Because why should the responsibilities of life interfere when you wanna doink? But Donna has a deep revelation as she gazes at Davy, working.... "Unless..." she muses, "unless you know each other so well, you’re just sooo familiar, that the physical thing, [*raspberry* and "thumbs down" gesture]." And then she Does Comedy by taking a swig from her bottle of mineral water and pouting. (Only one more episode, only one more episode, only one more episode....)

So over at the local Morgue, Kelly’s there freaking on some Generic Morgue Worker who looks like a Generic Sexy Secretary with her horn-rims and black hair and glossy red lipstick. And Kelly’s going ape-shit, demanding that she be told the identity of the surfer because "he has NO family!"and beseeching LB to illegally run the plates of some car down at Point Dume while LB and the Generic Morgue Worker look at her in consternation. And then... then Kelly’s cell phone rings, and she quavers a hello. "Kel... it’s Dylan," rasps Dylan. And Kelly’s dewy features are crumpled and her rosebud lips are quavering as she breathes "I thought I lost you!" And Dylan, lounging on some bed somewhere, rasps all gentle Rebel-Man style, "Whadderya talking about?" And Kelly squeaks "Where are you? I’ve been calling you all day!" And Dylan rasps "No kidding, I just checked my messages" and tells her that he "hopped a train up north" to "anywhere" because "that’s the point"... he was "riding the rails".... Why, how Billy McCoy of him! And Kelly snips "You just... hopped a train... no ticket, no passenger car, nothing?" And how touching of Kelly to equate herself with a "passenger car" on Dylan’s life’s journey. And Dylan broods and rasps "I know it’s stupid and dangerous, you can start bitching any time," which reflects all the love and respect he has for Kelly. And Kelly’s nose is all red and her chin is quivering and she breathes "Thank God you’re okay" ... because having Dylan around to sneer at her and put her down is certainly better than not having Dylan in her life at all, isn’t it? Nice of her to be having this conversation in front of Her Fiancé, too. And Dylan rasps "You keepin’ tabs? Kelly? Anything else?" And Kelly goes "I was wrong about something. Goodbye" and hangs up the phone, all teary and an emotional mess. And LB, chivalrous dude that he is, comes over to console her as she turns around and blatantly and bold-faced lies to him, saying "I don’t know what’s wrong with me" and wiping her eyes with her engagement ring’d hand.

And then the next "memory" is Kelly going "Remember the shooting?" and then that scene of Kelly getting blown away back into Brandon’s arms. And we don’t get any Further Exposition on this scene, unlike previous "remember"s, but Brandon begging Kelly not to die, and then Kelly looking up at Brandon asking "Who’re you?" I guess this is supposed to remind us that Brandon isn’t Kelly’s soulmate... if he was, she’d NEVER ask such a silly question, amnesia or no.

Noah’s packing to leave Homeslice House. All his belongings - some clothes and a huge can of hair mousse - fit in one duffel. Davy pretends he cares. Please, let Noah hop that boat to wherever, the sooner the better! I mean, we don’t need Noah at Donna and Davy’s wedding! Just leave, Noah! Go away! GO FAR, FAR AWAY! And why would Davy accuse Noah of "cut[ing] all your friends off" when only a few short episodes ago, Donna was lecturing Davy about the fact that SHE was the only friend Noah had?

And over at the Peach Pit, instead of, say, WORKING, Kelly and LawyerBoy are having another brunch rendezvous. Doesn’t Kelly EVER just HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL AT HOME? Anyway, LB’s asking if Kelly slept okay, and Kelly’s baby-talking about "I don’t know where all that adrenaline came from, but when it left me, I just crashed!" Oh, honey, you haven’t played the Dumb Blonde card in so many seasons.... And LB goes "We should prolly talk about it." And Kelly nods and chews her bottom lip guiltily. And the front bell tinkles as Dylan saunters in. And up at the counter, Nat goes "Dylan! Turkey! Rye! Coleslaw!" And Dylan broods and rasps "Yeah, I’m ‘fraid so." And Kelly LOOKS at Dylan. And Dylan LOOKS at Kelly. And Nat goes "And people say... you’re not a predictable guy! Ha ha!" and goes off to do Dylan’s bidding. And then Dylan saunters over to Kelly’s table and rasps "I’ll be around today... if you need to get ahold of me" all bitingly. And LB, Nice Guy that he is, jumps to Kelly’s defense: "Do you know WHY she called?" And Kelly goes "Matt..." while Dylan goes "No, actually I don’t." And Kelly goes "It doesn’t matter." And LB obediently says "I’ll go pay the bill" and leaves Kelly alone with Dylan. And Dylan - oh, the symbolism! - takes LB’s vacated seat at the table, and he and Kelly STARE at each other. "A surfer drowned at Point Dume yesterday. Donna told me you were there," Kelly announces. "I wasn’t," Dylan rasps. "Change of plans." Geddit? CHANGE OF PLANS?! And Kelly baby-talks "Just the thought that... that could’ve been you...." And Dylan, his sense of self-importance compatible to Kelly Taylor’s, finishes "Made you call all over town looking for me?" And Kelly makes squonchy faces. "We ended up at the morgue," she tells him. "...Whadderyou doin’, Kelly?" rasps Dylan, low, sighing and shaking his head minutely. "I was worried and... irrational," she wetly sputters. "What are you doing with your life?" demands Dylan, all Dee Snider... as if he as room to ask this of anyone. Hey, he and Kelly really ARE Soulmates, huh? "Matt...? He... went to the morgue with you?" rasps Dylan some more. And Kelly wetly says "He was great to me... during all of it.... Can you imagine?" Because she and Dylan both know that, Soulmate or not, Dylan’s not the kind of guy to be "great" to her. Not that it matters. They’ll be too busy hopping trains and swinging from chandeliers and traveling around the world to deal with dumb stuff like being "great" to each other. "No, I can’t," rasps Dylan. "But I CAN see why [oh yeah, kiss of death time!] he’s the kinda guy you’d wanna hang on to." And with that he gets up, brooding the whole time, and leaves Kelly there pouting. Hey, Dylan? You forgot your sammich!

And over at Casa Skeevy... Stevie is watching some cooking show and griping "Parsley? In a Tex Mex? C’mon, you gotta use cilantro!" And Maddie/y, looking quite adorable in a denim baseball cap, coos and throws a bath book around, and says "If you’re such a cooking expert now Dad, how come you don’t get your fat ass off the couch and start fixing dinner, huh?" And then the door opens and Janet rushes in. She... um... came to pick up a picture of Stevie’s BBQ from Cinco De Mayo, because she... needs a picture of "fire" for some dragon story. She soooo busy, and so she comes home to get a picture...? Why couldn’t she find anything on-line? Why couldn’t she call Stevie and ask him to bring it to the office? Why, if it’s only May 10th, are all the pictures from Cinco de Mayo developed and in the photo album? And when Janet proclaims "Another disaster averted" when she finds the picture, Stevie’s in full-on critical mode, first trying to tell Janet what to do, and finally bitches "I don’t remember US having disasters every day!" That’s because YOU DIDN’T WORK EVERY DAY!! And finally Janet quits babbling self-centeredly about her work and sees that Stevie’s sulking. "What?" she asks. "I’m watching cooking shows!" barks Stevie. "So put on a game," suggests Janet, all stereotypically. And Stevie continues to whine "We said we’d sell the paper if we BOTH agreed! I was the publisher of my own newspaper! I miss that!" I’ll bet you do... no boss... no real work... no messy struggle... daddy to "help" you because you "needed" it.... For God’s sake, write a screenplay! Work in the yard! Buy into KTPR and wheel and deal! Manage Donna’s Internet company! Take over Noah’s soon-to-be-vacated spot at the PPAD! Call your daddy and see if he has anything happening! DO something! No one’s forcing you to watch cooking shows, you moron! But it gets worse... Stevie’s learned a thing or two from his years as Brandon Walsh’s Best Friend. He tells Janet sad-sincerely "I know that moving to some glossy magazine means a lot to you, and I don’t want you to miss any opportunities.... But I miss US! The way we were!" How fucking patronizing and manipulative could he be? "Some glossy magazine"? And their relationship depends on them WORKING TOGETHER...? God, get a LIFE! Janet is somehow "forbidden" from "moving on" from The Beat, STEVIE’S paper?! But ... strangely... Janet doesn’t rip Stevie a new one (she saves her anger for important things like dead rabbits and nannies and that kind of stuff)... she sweetly promises to "think about it." Oh, Janet.

And over at Homeslice House that night, Donna’s knocking at the front door, and Davy comes out, all in a dither. "I know I promised I’d cook you dinner-" he stammers. "Oh, well, we can go out on a FORMAL date!" Donna hastily amends, because I’m sure that’s the issue. But Davy’s acting all weird, and then Camille tears open the front door, all hysterical in full-on Professional Victim: Dumped Woman Version mode. "David- Oh! Perfect! This is good!" she blubbers. Camille Desmond? Reduced to teen-like hysteria over breaking up with Davy? And Camille sobs "I’ll just go now" all pitifully while Donna breathes in her Little Girl Voice "Camille? Are you okay?" and Davy assures Camille that he doesn’t "want you driving like this, please?" and kinda shoves Camille back inside. And then he makes a face at Donna and goes "She just showed up." Because, gee, NO ONE in Hillsterland just "shows up" at other Hillsters’ houses, huh? And Donna sweetly goes "No, you should deal with her," as if she’s so sweet and nice. And Davy goes "Yeah, I’ll call you later," and pecks her on the cheek and says "I love you" and goes back inside. And Donna pouts. And huffs. And makes Sticky Lip Moues. And rolls her eyes. And huffs again.

Oh, please! Do we have to- Fine. Noah. Batting cages. Elbetrah, inactive and passive as always, off to the side watching him hit balls and cheering him on. I pray for a pitching machine mishap, somewhere in the vicinity of Noah’s face. Repeatedly. I thought Elbetrah had decided to focus on kid and sobriety, not Noah...? Anyway, Elbetrah is SO FUCKING LAME that Noah has to TEACH HER HOW TO SWING A BASEBALL BAT! Noah Hunter - lamest of the lame - HAS TO TEACH HER EVERYTHING?! Did this girl never do PE in school? "I can’t do this! Not with you watching!" "D’youhaftadoeverything on yerown?" Yeah, that’s it, Noah... Elbetrah is JUST SOOOO INDEPENDENT! That’s what it is! FUCK! Mumble. Whine. Mumble. Giggle. Mumble chortle. Pathetic-cakes. Mumble. Giggle giggle.

Ah ha! A shot of a moonlit Breakup Beach.... And sure enough, there’s Kelly, pouting and brooding on the patio chair. And Donna, newly rejected, comes up the back spiral staircase and asks Kelly "What’re you doing home?" Kelly claims she’s "going through the Seattle paper looking for employment and apartment listings." Um, hello, Kel? Broker. Agency. Check on-line. For pity’s sake. And Donna goes "Have you even opened it yet?" And Kelly, MAJORLY squonchy, goes "No" and pouts some more. And Donna, uttering That Time-Worn Hillster Bromide, informs Kelly "You don’t have a job there, your friends and your family aren’t there, you don’t wanna move, why are you thinking about this?" Um, Donna? THTM and I didn’t have jobs in New York... our friends and family are back in SoCal and scattered about the country, but we moved here anyway because WHO WANTS TO LIVE IN THE SAME PLACE FOREVER?! Jeez! There’s something to be said for not getting lulled by the safety and security of living in your hometown with all the people you went to high school with and your mommy minutes away... there’s something to be said for having adventures and exploring new places and making new friends and just plain GROWING... there’s something to be said for the experience of LIVING! God forbid if I had lived by the Hillster Creedo and self-mutilated and self-limited myself by thinking that you should never move forward with your life... that you should cling to the old stuff. At one time, when I was in my late teens, I couldn’t fathom a life other than marrying my h.s.b.f. and living and raising a family near my mommy and his mommy and hanging out with all our same friends.... And then I FUCKING GREW UP! I, too, over-romanticized the whole "friends and family" thing, but you know what? You can be close to friends and family even when you live across the country! My friendships with Number One and O Nancy My Nancy have continued even though I moved to the East Coast... I talk to my mom and grandma and brother at least once a week, and because of the fact that we all live in different places (my brother in Seattle, actually), we’ve been able to share adventures as a family, see new places. But because I’ve moved, I’ve experienced things I never thought possible... things I never realized were important... from the Big, Frightening Act of getting a job in New York City... to having access to some of the greatest museums and theatres... taking the subway with ease... holding my own at one of the best universities in the country... trying things like perogies or baba ganoosh... and, especially, meeting some incredible new friends. God help me if I had never let myself be exposed to anything other than what was safe and familiar. THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME "SAFE" AT HOME WAS FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN!

And now, ironically... now that both The Husband-Type Man and I have come to love New York and life beyond Southern California... now that I’ve set my sights on a career in publishing... just months after I felt like I truly came into my own as an adult in a New, Scary Place... we’re moving back to Los Angeles. That’s life for you. THTM was just offered an amazing promotion that was, literally, too good to turn down. But one of the conditions was that he go back to the LA office. So come September, we’re heading back to our home state.

But back to Donna and Kelly reflecting on Life’s Important Matters. Kelly responds to Donna’s "why" by saying, only, "Too much history here." "Yeah," agrees Donna. "Well, for a long time, the only history that David and I had... was our own." Whatever that’s supposed to mean, Donna. "And now his past is sitting in his living room sobbing. Ew. That wasn’t very nice, was it?" A) Even DONNA’S acknowledging her whole Nicey-nice charade, huh? And B) since Davy and Camille only broke up a week ago, she’s hardly his "past," hon.... You’re more his past than Camille is, any day! And C) and we though KELLY was self-centered? Way to be supportive of your depressed friend Kelly, here, you nitwit! And Kelly, because she knows a thing or two about girls who steal boyfriends, goes "My advice? Lock the windows and doors, don’t let her in!" And Donna giggles and says "Camille’s not the problem." And Kelly, all rah-rah Supercouple, goes "I didn’t know you guys had a problem." God, they Have A Problem and they haven’t even been back together a WEEK?! Anyhow, Donna explains "I think David loves me... but in a sisterly way. I think he wants to arm-wrestle, not kiss me." Make of the analogy what you will, folks... there’s enough dysfunction here already to fill the Pacific Ocean. And Kelly giggles, prolly remembering why she and Brandon called off their wedding. And she announces "Oh we are both... just... FREAKS, you know that, right?" Yes, Kelly, we do. "David...waited seven years to sleep with you, and now that he’s taking things slow, you think he doesn’t want you?" queries Dr. Kelly. Yeah, yeah, I can see where not having sex the first week you’re together with someone after he just broke up with someone else is "taking things slow." And, of COURSE Davy wants Donna! What mortal man doesn’t? And Donna giggles and hopes Kelly’s right... but "you’re a freak...?" And Kelly explains "Dylan gives me one ultimatum then he ignores me once, and the only way I can think of him NOT in my life is if he’s dead." Did that make any sense to anyone? How Kelly-centric was this little unintelligible so-called explanation anyway? How freaking sick and creepy is the whole "if he’s dead" aspect of this, anyway? I mean, Kel? You aren’t staring in no Shakespearean tragedy, hon, so pack up the melodrama! So Kelly continues to explain about how Donna told her (because Donna knows everything) Dylan was at Point Dume and dead surfer and blah blah blah endlessly-dragging-it-out-to-the-bitter-end-cakes and "I was so scared. I couldn’t breathe. I just kept hearing his name over and over, like, screaming in my head!" And Donna brings it right on home by clarifying "That doesn’t sound like fear, it sounds like love." Which is the purest essence of 90210 Relationships, innit? Fear of not "having" someone... fear of leaving Hillsterland... fear of "no safety net"... fear of "losing something really great".... Love and fear, two sides of the same coin. God, I hate this fucking show. And Kelly adds to my disgust by going "Yeah... I know that now." And Donna asks without moving her lips "What’re you gonna do now?" And Kelly baby-talks in earnest "Something.... I’ve got to do something!" Oh, the suspense.

Over at Casa Skeevy, Janet "Mrs. Brady" Sosna Sanders is making a mollifying attempt to keep the gender roles essentially traditional by preparing a LOVELY breakfast for her husband... pancakes and fruit and bacon and EVERYTHING! And with all that, she’s still had time to do her hair and makeup all pretty. And Stevie’s reaction to this, as he carries Maddie/y into the kitchen, is to tell Janet that she didn’t make the pancakes as well as Emeril would’ve because he adds the blueberries while the pancakes are cooking for "better fruit distribution and less pushiness," whatever "less pushiness" in pancakes is supposed to mean. And Maddie/y goes "I’ll refrain from making the usual ‘fruit distribution and less pushiness ’ cracks about you and Ma here, Daddy." But Dwanollah ain't gonna let a phrase like "less pushiness" in regards to a Hillster Relationship go by without comment! Ha! And Janet, all selfish career woman, goes "Who’s Emeril?" Uh huh. And then Stevie complains that "It’s been a long time since we had breakfast together. You know, that’s another reason NOT to sell the paper." ...YOU SELFISH FUCKING PIG! MAKE BREAKFAST YOUR OWN FUCKING SELF! Janet shouldn’t pursue a great career opportunity because SHE’S NOT AROUND TO EAT BREAKFAST WITH YOU EVERY WEEKDAY MORNING?! What normal working people CAN eat breakfast together regularly anyway, huh? And for some reason, Janet doesn’t stomp off to work or tell Stevie to grow up or even huff and make faces at him... no, she just sighs guiltily and says with wifely sweetness, "Right, family breakfasts... from now on they’re sacrosanct." And even the use of a big word can’t disguise the fact that ALL THIS PLOT IS DOING IS THE USUAL "BACK IN YOUR PLACE, LITTLE WOMAN" BULLSHIT... but because Janet is a hip, attractive, supposedly-smart young woman, that’s supposed to be, what, the jam on the pill? And Stevie said "Good" and settles down to chow his Hungry Man breakfast, while Janet sits in front of an empty plate. There’s a metaphor for us, huh? And Janet meekly tells Stevie that she was "up all night" thinking and, despite what he said yesterday about not wanting to sell the paper and feeling "strongly" about it, she "feels strongly too.... Steve, I can’t pass up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I know that going to work at The Beat again is right for you, but it’s not right for me."


But Stevie’s getting pissy on a grand scale... brows wrinkled and face red... the works. And he rips into Janet with "You don’t understand, this decision affects all of us," and "And you’re worried about missing her first tooth?! Well pile on all the other moments, Janet, because they’re just gonna fly by!" And Maddie/y, strapped into her carrier on the table, goes, "Hey, Pa, the average folks can’t take time off of LIFE to enjoy every nuance of their babies! I mean, welcome to the real world, you putz!" But Janet... Janet just sits there, looking stricken with guilt. Because HOW DARE SHE contemplate going to work doing something she loves, doing something fulfilling... STEVIE’S the only one in the family who should have that right, and Janet should tailor her life accordingly! WHY THE FUCK isn’t it important for STEVIE to be there for Maddie/y’s first tooth or first dance, huh? (Rhetorical question... I know the answer... because it’s different for mothers.) And then... then... then, leaving me open-mouthed in disbelief, Stevie says "Pancake breakfasts are good, Janet. Don’t let ambition blind you to that." WHAT THE FUCK!?! Stevie just TOLD Janet, point blank, "Stay at home and fix me breakfast"! Let’s hang a great, big, fat, hairy "Stupidest Thing Uttered In Tonight’s Episode" on THAT baby! (Yes, I know Davy asks Donna to marry him later, but this is REALLY the Stupidest Thing.) But, oh, thank the gods, Janet says to Stevie "Why is it in regards to women the word ‘ambition’ sounds like a bad thing?" But Stevie... fucking Stevie fucking Sanders says all pointedly "Because this time it is."

If I was in that room right now, Skeevy Stevie would have a large, white Dwanollah-shaped handprint marking his red, creased forehead....

"Your new job may work for YOU... but it doesn’t work for US!" adds Stevie. Um, Lil’ Caesar? YOUR DESIRE TO WORK AT THE BEAT AGAIN DOESN’T WORK FOR "US" EITHER!

And Janet, despite a valiant struggle to stay upright, now dissolves into a big puddle of girly-woman and says all guiltily "Well I’ll consider myself warned." Oh, Janet... and you showed such promise for a few seconds, too!

Oh! Now Whore This! See Donna! See Donna be Nice! See Donna nicely weasel Camille out of her share of the store! Donna, clad in a hiddy purple spaghetti-strap thing that barely covers her upper body, is, of course, hard at work selling those coveted Donna Martin Originals to the teaming masses of customers. Camille, no longer the vampy Lady in Red, but now the Ex-Girlfriend in Black, starts groveling to Donna. "I’m... sorry... that I... screwed up your dinner last night." And Donna, playing a careful and strategic game, pretends it doesn’t matter, as if she really cares about Camille, all the while making fake smiles that melt into passive-aggressive frowns and huffy lip-presses whenever she looks away from Camille. And Camille continues to blither "I was upset... I just had to see him!" Because, lemme guess, she REALLY LOVES that hunk-o-hunka burnin’ love Davy Silver, right? And Donna, still playing it ohhh-so-nicely, makes a Sad Frowny Lip Twitch at Camille and whispers in her Little Girl Voice "I’m sorry, I can’t hear this" and walks away to pretend to hang a dress up. Isn’t she so nice? She’s still Camille’s friend, but she doesn’t want to hurt her feelings! And Camille tries assuring Donna that "it couldn’t be more over!" between her and Davy, but Donna just shakes her head and whispers nicely, "Look, I’m just... not the friend that you can... go to about it." Because NOTHING is more important than your friends... except your Soulmate. And Donna continues earnestly, wide-eyed and smiling the whole time, "‘Cos if I give you advice, you’re not gonna trust me... if I tell you I’m sorry, you’re not gonna believe me!" which puts it all nicely on Camille, doesn’t it? I mean, Donna’s just thinking of Camille! That’s all! Isn’t Donna nice? And sweet? And a good friend, even when it hurts sometimes? And Camille just says all passively "Yeah, maybe you’re right...." And Donna nicely and modestly admits "I think I am... which is why I wouldn’t... blame you for hating me for it." Oh, Donna, how could ANYONE hate YOU? Even if the unspoken conclusion of your sentence wasn’t "it" but rather "stealing what’s rightfully MINE - Davy AND my store - back out of your greedy little paws, you Evil Other, ah ha ha ha ha ha!" And Camille, Otherized though she is, is completely brainwashed, and just goes "Do you mind if we work out the details of the buy-out later?" And Donna, still smiling nicely, goes "Yeah, whenever," because she’s gotten her way. And Camille sighs poignantly and tells Donna "You’re going to be real fair... and generous about this, aren’t you?" And Donna Twitches and makes Wide Innocent Eyes and breathes in her Little Girl Voice earnestly that "I’m gonna try...." And Camille laughs and goes [in what I suspect is meant to be a pointed remark to all us here at Mediarama...] "That’s what’s really going to make you hard to hate!" Oh, WHO ON EARTH could hate DONNA MARTIN, the sweetest girl in the whole wide world! Why, tear down that ugly green statue in the harbor out here and lets erect a new monument to shine light upon America... America’s Own Sweetheart Donna-Tori! And Donna and Camille both bleat and twitch and Donna whispers "I’m really gonna miss you...." Oh, come off it, honey!

And with that... Camille, meet curb.

And as long as we’re on a melodrama high.... Kelly shows up at the Royale With Cheese to ask a brooding Dylan "Hi! Do you feel like going for a walk...?" He shakes his head. "Along the beach?" she adds. Oh ho! The Beach! It MUST be important! You know, DumbAss the h.s.b.f. used to do that, too... any time we were having problems, especially if he wanted to kiss a little Dwanollah butt and/or try to talk me into seeing things HIS way, he’d suggest we "go to the beach" to talk. That was, I guess, supposed to give him leverage in the "I studied the book about what chicks like" department. Along with the teddy bears and gold heart-shaped jewelry he’d give me on all those girly holidays like Valentine’s Day and my birthday and Christmas... ‘cos, you know, girls like that. And it’s cute and romantic. So if he did the "right" thing like that, then I'd HAVE to acquiesce to him like the good little passive lump of nothing that I was.

Anyhow, so Kelly’s shown up, dewdrop eyes wide and pleading, rosebud lips glossy and vulnerable, to ask Dylan to go for a walk on the beach. And Dylan just shakes his head mutely at her a couple times before going to flop on the couch and sigh and brood a lot. And Kelly, all stringy-lock’d, follows him in, dressed in her cute flowered capris and Itty Bitty baby-blue shirt and natty platform sandals and matching Itty Bitty purse... the ideal Walking Along the Beach with Your Soulmate ensemble, no? And she sits on the couch, sighing earnestly, and wetly says "You’re not going to let me back in again, are you?" Well Kel, where would be the excitement in THAT? Seeing as your whole relationship is based on Dylan wanting you when you aren’t available and you wanting Dylan when he’s not available, and both of you pouting and brooding about it a lot. Talk about "thrill of the chase," babe. And Dylan broods at Kelly and rasps "What’s the point? You’re engaged to someone else. You want me to say I’m happy for you? I’m not." And Kelly wetly earnestly baby-talks at him "I’m glad!" Dear God. What a couple of selfish, stupid boneheads. But Dr. Kelly amends "I’m glad that you’re being straight with me and that you’re saying things that need to be said." She must be REALLY glad about these boards here, then. "Before..." And Dylan leans forward, all eagerly and goes "Before? Before what?" And Kelly launches into this scene’s Soulmate Soliloquy, which calls for much squonching of lips: "Truth is, I could never imagine having you... without imagining losing you... to... another woman or an addiction or... your inevitable lack of interest." Oh yeah, Kelly... this relationship’s on the High Road to Happiness, innit? And Dylan, though brooding, rasps "You already said no to me once... I don’t... need to hear it again." Oh, the pain and anguish! No wonder he broods! He hurts over Kelly! He’s been cry-i-i-i-ing over her! And Kelly, earnest and pouting, goes "Maybe I am not repeating myself..." and she launches into a huge choreographed number of lip-squonching and sighing and painful swallowing and blinking back tears. And Dylan rasps "So what, did you come over here for, to say you want to be friends? Is that it?" And Kelly wetly splutters all word-gamey "I just want to go for a walk with you" and continues to cry all over the place. I mean, yeah, as long as we’ve done the never-really-saying-what-we-mean passive-aggressive schtick this long, why ruin a good thing? And Dylan broods and rasps that "Taking a walk is not gonna get us anywhere! It is not gonna get us here!" and he holds up Kelly’s engagement-ring’d hand (what a LOVELY French manicure, Kelly!). And Kelly goes off into another paroxysm of swallowing and blinking back tears and pouting before she says "I know" and, after staring for a few more minutes, leaves so Dylan can Brood in private.

Okay. Lemme get this straight.... For YEARS all we’ve heard is KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT! 2.5 kids, picket fence, conventional married life with all the 90210trappings: nice house, tasteful dinner parties, pretty wallpaper, romantic and exciting vacations, slight arty accoutrements, like a big modern painting on the wall or the occasional film festival.... She broke up with Dylan back in college because he was the cold loner rebel man while she wanted to be the conventional college sorority girl (as training for her conventional 2.5 kids and pretty wallpaper).... Then she spent the next several years trying to set up a conventional idealized home life with her boyfriend at the time. She did the aren’t-we-hip-and-cool arty parties with Colin.... She provided That Guy Mark with her favorite expensive Egyptian cotton sheets.... But that was nothing compared to her two Engagements, in which she (ostensibly) ignored her own better judgment and/or whatever realities were staring her right in the face, because she was SOOOOO intent on achieving her KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT goals! And now she’s willing to chuck all the things that were supposedly so important to her, to be with Dylan? Yeah yeah yeah, soulmate, blah blah blah.... But HOW TOTALLY PSYCHOLOGICALLY PROBLEMATIC ARE ALL OF KELLY’S RELATIONSHIPS?! God, get thee to a real psychologist who didn’t get her/his degree at CU, already, Kelly!

What’s more, I’m sure Donna-Tori is relishing the fact that Kelly’s going to give up all her hopes and dreams for the Married-With-Children a laBeverly Hills lifestyle... but DONNA’S the one who’s going to achieve what KELLY TAYLOR WANTS! Why, that makes Donna the Ultimate 90210 Success Story, doesn’t it?!

Elbetrah. PPAD. Noah stocking bar. Elbetrah informing Noah that she and Caitlin’s one-night-stand father have "a mutual friend" and she hears "he is happily married, two kids, beautiful house...." BECAUSE THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN LIFE! BEING MARRIED AND HAVING TWO KIDS AND A HOUSE! Screw personal fulfillment and growth! God, Elbetrah, go play Barbies with Kelly already. Anyway, so Elbetrah whines about Noah’s "serious" relationship about Donna for a while... because what’s important is that every character on the whole show, even the stinky boring one-dimensional ones like Elbetrah, spends time praising Donna-Tori for her Wonderfulness. If Noah and Elbetrah decide to get married so he can take care of her and Caitlin, I’ll scream myself silly. I really will.

And over in Kelly’s Rose Colored Bedroom, Kelly’s lying - in a new outfit, I might add - on the bed pouting. And there’s a knock at the door, and she peaks out her shade to see LawyerBoy, posed all sadly on the porch and pouting. So she goes to let LawyerBoy in for The Big Inquisition, chirping with sad wetness "Hi, you got my message?" But LB shuffles in in a daze. "Oh, you called too? My mom... called...." And he sits down and looks Tragic. And Kelly tries to pretend she cares about LB and goes "Matt? What’s wrong?" Turns out LB’s brother in New York was eager to get home to his pregnant wife (Hm, so I guess they went along with that sperm thing, huh? Why did they leave out how she got pregnant...? That’d be, like, kinda a big deal. And why does LB call her his brother’s "wife" not by her name? You’d think they’d be on a first-name basis by now...? I know, I know... your real family doesn’t matter anywhere near as much as your Hillster family!)... and was killed in a car crash on the LIE. And Kelly can’t even muster up some sympathy for dumb, chumley LawyerBoy at this point, but kind of hollowly offers to "go with you" to New York for the funeral, playing the conventional good Hillster-Wife-In-Training to the bitter end. Besides, we all knew you hated LB’s brother, Kelly.

And, boy, the show’s really going the extra twelve miles to make sure that Kelly doesn’t dump LB, because we know HE has to do the dumping to leave her free to be with Dylan. Not to mention the fact that Brandon’s gotta give some sort of blessing on them. And maybe Brinda will send a telegram... like she did when Dylan married Toni. And, gosh, Valerie will have to pronounce blessings on BOTH Dylan AND Davy with their Soulmates. And speaking of which....

So here we go. An ominous creaking of a gate... and Donna, with an absolutely hiddy crochet shawl tied decoratively around her boobies wanders in a slow, mincing, Chinese foot-bound-woman way toward the moonlit porch at Homeslice House, where Davy’s all huddled on the steps waiting for her. "Hi," says Donna. "Hey," says Davy. "I’ve been waiting for you." "Okay, I just have to say one thing," Donna announces. "I love you... but if you’ve changed your mind about wanting to be a couple again, just tell me! I mean, speak freely but avoid specifics...." And Davy is scratching and deedling and sniggering. "... What specifics?" he finally asks. Donna makes a face. Or two. "Oh. Well. You know. Like if you kiss me it feels like kissing your sister or something...?" And Davy goes "Well I only have a stepsister, and that’s pretty gross." Hello, Davy? What about Erin? And it’s not like you weren’t jonesin’ for Kelly back in your pre-adolescence, too. Anyway, Davy continues "You realize how long we’ve known each other?" And Donna smiles and nods and breathes out her nose and goes "Yeah, long enough to feel like [HILLSTER TRUISM] family!" See, Donna even does Spineless all nicely, too! And she makes a kinda frowny face and asks Davy "IS that the way you feel about me...?" And Davy looks serious and nods and goes "Kinda, I guess so...." And Donna sighs "Great. I guess that’s why you don’t want to see the new underwear I bought." Hoo boy. And Davy grins maniacally "You bought new underwear?!" And Donna looks shamefaced and goes "Yeah." And Davy goes "Well, I bought something too [B-SUR condoms?], but first I want to show you something...." Yeah. He’s "pinched" her high school yearbook, and reads to her what he wrote ‘waaaaay back then:

Dear Donna,
WOW. Senior year.
I never thought
we’d make it.
Sanders and his
jock friends never
thought you’d date
me. But you did.
You let me kiss
you. I haven’t
wanted to stop since.
If you turn to page
72 where my picture
used to be...
What you’ll see instead
of a really bad shot
of me is a lie.
Future goals: a
career in the music
industry. That’s all
I put down because
I couldn’t say what
I really want. That’s
you. Forever. Someday
I’m gonna get you to
marry me. Without
a picture we can lie to
our kids and say I
used to be handsome.

But Davy doesn’t read the "Love, David" part, but just leaves it on the "handsome" bit. And Donna has to coo about how he WAS handsome and he DOES have a career in the music industry (as if being a slacker local club DJ with a fake call-in radio show is "success in the music industry" on the same scale as recording contracts and fame and chicks and all the crap Davy Dave was supposedly after in high school... or even "success" by most standards) and they kiss a little.... And then Davy goes "C’mere," and leads Donna into the living room, decorated with WAY more candles than he used for Camille only a couple weeks back. And while Donna marvels over all this and plays with her hair, Davy pulls out a heart-shaped box with a (surprisingly nice) diamond ring. I thought for SURE Donna-Tori would get the 3 caret flasher... but this is really very simple and pretty. Okay. Anyhow, so the big moment is upon us.... With a big grin, Davy gets on one knee, and Donna makes surprised Serious Faces and covers her mouth with her hands and bugs her eyes out, and declares "Ohmigawd... you can’t do this! ... I didn’t even think you wanted to KISS me!" Which ought to indicate a bunch of problems- Ah, but let’s let those crazy, romantic, star-crossed soulmates have their moment, huh? So while Donna addlepates, Davy slides the ring on her finger and goes:

"Donna... [*swallow*] Martin, will you marry me?"

And they stare at each other with tears in their eyes, reflecting the flickering flames of the candles, overcome by the overwhelming emotion of the moment, and Donna says:

"I don’t know. I mean... I just need a little time to think about it!"


Seriously, I thought for sure she would gulp and giggle and jump up and down and clap her hands together and shriek "Yes! Yes! YES!" before we’d be forced to endure a slow-fade of Donna cleaning out Davy’s back molars with her Tongue of Doom. This is a nice change. Yeah, I know, it’ll all be blown to pieces when they rush to marry in a matter of days, but I can pretend.... You know, Donna and Davy can’t get married in the Catholic Church without that whole couples’ counseling thing... can that happen in a matter of days? And how come, like, Val and Ohndrea are gonna make it to Donna an’ Davy’s one-week-away wedding when Ohndrea couldn’t make it to Brandon and Kelly’s...? And I’ll bet you twenty bucks that Donna’s own sister and aunt ain’t gonna be there. And, say, what is UP with all those weird out-of-focus slo-mo shots at the end, uh?

And next week... "The last ten years went by in a heartbeat, but the final two hours will live on forever!" Like sex resulting in a herpes outbreak. And Dylan’s rasping that "I’ll NEVER let you down, Kel." Oh, yeah, bet the farm on that one, Kelly. "And now ... reunite with old friends... and witness a wedding that was written in the stars!" Dear God. And Davy looks like he’s about 12 in his tux... and Donna’s blithering all dramatically tearful "I thank God [because she’s SUCH a religious girl at heart] EVERY DAY that YOU were BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE!" and Davy’s announcing "I can’t picture a time when I wasn’t in love with you." As if, Davy. And yeah, see my Rant about Sucky Stereotypical Personalized Wedding vows. And one last intonation from the announcer that "this is YOUR CHANCE to say good bye! The FINAL 90210!" and-

Oh. That’s it. It’s over.

And... well... I guess if there was ever a time for a valedictory moment, this is it.... I truly want to thank you guys for putting up with my Ranting and WHYning over these years. Believe it or not, my working on these Rants - and your responses to them and encouragement over them - has provided me with tremendous motivation to continue writing, and even to see what I might be able to do with it on a professional level. This forum has actually been a much-needed bit of confidence for someone who used to cloister anything and everything she wrote to a desk drawer! Moreover, I’ve met some incredible and kick-ass people through these boards and Rants, and made some good new friends. That means a lot to me as well. Thanks to Gustave, Sars, screamin’, Tricia and Donnanottori for the Wednesday Night Cheese-Fests and the shopping ventures. Thanks to each and every one of you who e-mailed me. Special thanks to Danny "xix" Drennan for teaching us all the value of irreverence... for letting me poach on his boards for my own gratification... and for knowing that I never intended to replace his Wrap-Ups in any way; I am merely a supplementary text to his survey course! And especially, thanks to my beloved Husband-Type Man for letting me hog the TV every Wednesday, for proof-reading and critiquing, for laughing, and for always showing complete and unpatronizing confidence in my desires to heed my Muse. You give Hillsteresque Soulmates a bad name, LHTM!

Thanks to all of you, so very much. And remember... we’re only graduating from 90210... not from each other!




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