Okay, it's long and it's self-centered and it's blathery and it's full of
typos, but I'm posting it anyway!
And to think, I could've been watching my new Spice Girls Live video.
Truthfully, there were some parts of this particular episode that I found...
well, not truly ENJOYABLE, but at least amusing and/or consistent with the
characters. Kelly "Her Mouth Looks Like a Cat's Anus (tm Sars)" Taylor
getting all pissy about "I said BLUEBERRY pancakes!" (Who drives to a
restaurant and orders pancakes to go? Knowing BH geography, it's not likely that
the Peach Pit would be closer than a 10-15 minute drive from any Hillster's
house... and hot, steamy pancakes would get all soggy in their Styrofoam
container before Kelly could get them back to her mother's house. If she was
going to the Beach Apartment, make that a 30-40 minute drive. Don't these people
have any groceries in their houses? Milk and cereal? Eggos or Pop-Tarts? Don't they know how
to cook?) That was pretty amusing. And, I mean, I still don't like Gina and the
whole Bad Girl Shtick, but I think VM is doing a good job with the whole
manic/depressive emotional roller coaster and extreme insecurity of her
character and it seems consistent that she would be involved with an emotionally
unavailable partner and not have the self-respect to leave or to seek out a
healthy relationship (and I don't mean with Davy! Sheesh! I mean, like, in
another zip code!).
But that said, why why why why why do all of the relationships portrayed on
this show have to be with these completely spineless women who stick out
unfulfilling relationships, put up with abusive behavior - or just plain boorish
louts - all because "I love you!"/"I love him!" or, the
time-honored 90210 theme, "we're meant for each other!" "We're
meant to be together!" "We're soulmates!" (Or, as Asian Claire
sick-makingly said re: Skeevy Stevie: "he's my angel.") Awwww.
I know I've bitched about the soulmate thing before, but it's such a favorite
thing of mine to complain about anyway, in terms of Hillsterism (new word, tm
me) as well as in real life. The fact remains that, when you are emotionally
involved with someone, of COURSE you are going to think you are MEANT to be
together and you are SOULMATES! Humans are pattern-seeking creatures by nature,
and instill with meaning things that might essentially be meaningless. I mean,
when I was with my h.s.b.f., DumbAss, I thought we were going to be together forever. I
downplayed faults of his (and I don't just mean the laughable things, like the
fact that he wore jeans so tight that it actually gave him a cross-your-heart
effect on his testicles, or that he sported Major Shelf-o'-Hair to rival
Brandon's... I'm talking selfishness to the extreme, arrogance, unsupportiveness,
and psychologically-damaging behavior) all because, bottom line was "I
loooooved him!" I believed that, because when I was 14 I'd had a dream
about meeting a guy with the same first initial as his, or because his maternal
great-grandmother's maiden name was the same as MY maternal great-grandmother's
maiden name (Nelson, not anything unusual), or because people used to say I
looked a lot like Brinda and someone once said he looked like Dylan (It was the
forehead. Seriously), or because I liked white meat and he preferred dark meat
so chicken and turkey got divided up evenly (I'M NOT MAKING ALL THIS SHIT UP! I
BELIEVED THIS CRAP!) that we were MEANT to be together! We were PERFECT for each
other! I overlooked years of emotional dissatisfaction because that garbage! I
readily agreed that we were "soulmates" and must've been together in
past lives, and would be together unto eternity. I "just knew." Well,
actually, I "just knew" I'd DIE without him and would love him
forever, and if something ever happened to him or he ever left me, I'd fall
apart! I loved him THAT much! (Because, you know, falling apart = rilly rilly
In my insecurity, instead of focusing on real, actual, human qualities, I
instead convinced myself of things that could never be proven in this lifetime.
If I believed that we were MEANT to be together on some higher plane, then I
wouldn't have to risk losing the relationship by questioning his actual actions,
like the fact that this person who supposedly loved me was constantly telling me
I needed to loose weight because I "wasn't the girl [he] fell in love
with." (Um, DumbAss? Women's bodies CHANGE in the years from 15-22, you
moron!) And, after an hours-long demoralization like this, he'd go to
McDonald's, order two hamburgers, 20 chicken nuggets, two large fries and a large Coke,
suck it all down in front of me, and tell me I didn't have "willpower"
or "discipline." Or his selfishness and materialism, which manifested
itself on a daily basis, but was particularly touching on the occasion of my
21st birthday, when, the week before, he spent thousands of dollars having a
top-of-the-line stereo installed in his sports car and then, the day after my
birthday, remarked offhandedly that he was giving me his OLD stereo as my birthday gift
because he thought the stereo in my car sucked. (No, he didn't offer to have it
installed.) Or his insistence that I "be there" for him at such
life-altering events like watching his performance in the weekly bowling league
(It didn't matter if I had homework or was working on my writing... I could
bring it with me... but had BETTER be watching every time he was up! God forbid
I miss him ranting and raving that he didn't pick up that 7-10 split! Oooh!)...
or when he was singing in a band... or when he was DJing at a club... or when he
was playing volleyball... or tennis... or- Or especially the fact that my
attention and support for him were never reciprocated with attention or support
He was my first and only boyfriend, and I was young and very insecure, and of
COURSE I wanted to believe that we were MEANT to be together! I ate up the idea
that our friends thought we were a super-couple! I loved it when people asked me
"so when are you guys finally gonna get married?" (no matter that he
freaked out at comments like that... if our friends and families believed we
were "the perfect couple" and should get married, we were MEANT to be together!) I ignored the fact that he
made fun of me and put me down constantly in front of our friends. I told myself
it didn't matter that he had an ugly temper and was selfish and arrogant to a
laughable degree. [In an argument, he once yelled at me, furious, "You
know, a lot of girls would love to be going out with a guy like me, who has
money and has a car like mine and a stereo and record collection like
mine!" And he wasn't joking.] I downplayed the fact that he was not
very intelligent, had no ambitions or self-discipline, and lacked talent yet
thought he was King of Shit Heap, all because of the reinforcement that I
believed and our friends and family believed (or, at least, told me) that we
were MEANT to be together.
No one ever said precisely WHY we were meant to be together. I mean,
"because you're such a cute couple" doesn't quite seem to cut it.
It's that same deal with the Hillster Couples. Love can conquer all! If you
love him, it's okay! If you think you're MEANT to be together, you must be! Look
at Donna and David. It doesn't matter that David was disgustingly abusive by way
of emotional blackmail and violent, irrational temper, pressured Donna for sex
for YEARS, cheated on her numerous times (including his first), has been in
trouble with drugs more than once, STOLE MONEY from her, lied to her on many,
many occasions, and has gotten involved with her friends/cousin when he's not
involved with her (and this is overlooking is basic bad attitude, his sexism,
and immaturity)... no, none of that mattered because David NEEDED Donna and she
LOVED him and he said he LOVED her and THEY WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! I
remember when Felice was going off on how David wasn't "the man"
(snicker!) for Donna because he had severe emotional problems and his father was
a womanizer and cheater and his mother was schitzo and Donna gets all pissy and
snips "Did you forget Jewish, Mom?" Um, Donna, your mom wasn't
necessarily being an anti-Semite and trying to keep you and your star-crossed
lover apart, you naive moron. She has a valid point about his past behavior! And
then there's Donna's relationship with Noah, who has killed his girlfriend in a
drunk-driving accident, had drinking problems since, plays with guns, won't take
responsibility for his actions, RAPED VALERIE... yet they’re MEANT to be
together and Donna LOVES him and wants to BE THERE for him! Right. And she said
the same thing about Ray, white-trash, violent, control-freak Ray, who treated
her like crap in front of her friends, told her how to dress (Donna's reaction,
one of my all time favorite lines ever: "Look, just tell me how you want me
to dress and I will!") and, in Donna's OWN WORDS to Kelly, was
"mean" to her... "BUT I LOVE HIM!" she whimpered in
conclusion (and Kelly the psych major had nothing to say about that?!)... all
contributing to Major DumbAss Flashbacks on my part.
And speaking of Kelly, let's look at the Great Loves of her Life (because who
cares if they were abusive or dysfunctional or unhealthy or whatever as long as
it's romantically "the great loves of Kelly Taylor").... Dylan and
Brandon. She's with Dylan (who she cheated with when he was going with HER BEST
FRIEND!), who is brooding, materialistic and self-centered to the nth
degree, is an alcoholic and drug addict, plays with guns, has no ambition, has
major family issues, is irresponsible, chases after his father's killer, has a
past history of cheating, has had unprotected sex ten zillion times, on and
on... but HE AND KELLY ARE SOULMATES! He's had the past life regression to prove
it! [Guys, a note: I can perform hypnosis. I can and have performed past life
regression numerous times. I have been regressed numerous times. It is a
fascinating experience and, I believe, a great window to the unconscious. Is it
100% fact?! Hell no! It proves nothing! Even if you DO feel strongly about your
visions, I say it again, YOU WON'T KNOW FOR SURE UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD!] This
"soulmate" shit is just out of control! Example: I used to be an
office temp for a company that ran 900 numbers (yes, including the sex lines...
no, I didn't talk on them), which I'll get into later. There were operators for
one of the sex lines who worked in the same building, and we all shared a
community break room, so these women (AND MEN!) would often meander over to
visit on breaks. They liked to talk, and sharing the sagas of their lives was
par for the course. I heard about conjugal visits with boyfriends, about
partying, about fights and break-ups. One woman who left the company for about 5
months to move north with her boyfriend, came back after they split up. A few
weeks later, HE was back, too, and they were living together. I heard about
violent fights, beatings, police visits for reports of domestic violence. I
heard about his drinking problem and time he spent in jail. I heard about her
FIVE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER WHO WAS A WITNESS TO THIS! I got pissed (no surprise
there) and wanted to know what the fuck she was doing with this guy, especially
when she had a kid. She said - AND I QUOTE! - "Well, we're total soulmates
when he's not drunk."
SHE WAS SERIOUS!
But back to Kelly.... So she has her heart's desire and is with Dylan. The
majority of their relationship is spent fighting about whether he'll ever get
over Brinda and if he'll ever stop brooding. Kelly is so insecure that she
develops an eating disorder. They go to college and they establish that they
have nothing in common besides sex. They're off again, no on again, no off
again, no- And, in the course of it all, Kelly becomes attracted to Brandon
(Dylan's best friend and Brinda's brother, for added dysfunction), whom she had
a crush on in high school. Oooh! THEY must be MEANT to be together, if she had a
crush on him and all! So Kelly cheats on Dylan with Brandon. Yeah, they didn't
actually have sex... but they were still romantically/emotionally involved,
which, IMHO, is one of the hallmarks of cheating (more on THAT later, too).
And Kelly eventually dumps Dylan for Brandon.
Kelly and Brandon. On again. Off again. On again... *sigh* And the whole time
she's with Brandon, supposedly her heart's desire (at least this year), she's
wondering what it would be like to be with Dylan. Why, she and DYLAN must be
MEANT to be together-
CAN ANYONE ON THIS SHOW EVER LET GO OF AN OLD RELATIONSHIP!? I mean, WHO
REALLY LIVES LIKE THAT? Breaking up = The End! Seriously, as much as I thought
before that me and my h.s.b.f. were MEANT to be together, when he dumped me (and
ended up with my best friend in a nice parallel with the Brinda/Dylan thing...
although she's no Kelly, she was, in fact, a rampant slut), it took me exactly
FOUR DAYS (and I have the journal entries to prove it) to get over him, not have
any romantic feelings for him, and to know for sure that I would never ever ever
get back together with him. I moved on. And (with the help of some counseling,
too) I saw the whole "meant to be together" thing as the emotional
crutch it was.
So getting back to the Unhealthy Relationships dealies: Why is Dylan still
with Gina? This really bugs me. I mean, he doesn't like her. He treats her like
shit. But, according to Kelly, he's not being abusive or unethical or a dick...
he just HASN'T FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON YET! If Hillster Guys use women for sex,
they're tortured and lonely, but if a WOMAN (Valerie, Emma, even Janet's
"casual sex" incarnation) uses a man - especially a Hillster man - for
sex, well.... KABLAM! But because Dylan is so Tortured and Hurting, it's okay if
he treats Gina like shit. And, hey, guys do that, don't they? They screw around.
They lie. They don't want the emotional commitment that the girls are always
pressuring them for - as Dylan said, Gina's "pushing too hard! Damn the
bitch, anyway. Guys just want to go to strip clubs and drink and drive fast cars
and watch sports and be like the Mighty
Elephant and shop at sex stores and not have to deal with flowery bedspreads
and wallpaper and candles and all that girlie stuff and not have to be
responsible [okay, quickie interjection: you have to be responsible a LONG TIME
before you get involved in a relationship!] and be able to hang out with their
friends and play poker and put their feet on the furniture and not have to ever
talk about how they FEEL for God's sake, and we ALL know that Girlies' main
goals in their lives are to TAKE THESE THINGS AWAY FROM MEN! It's the battle of
the sexes! It's fuh-nee! It's cute! Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus-
For fuck's sake. Everyone, let me tell you a little about The Husband-Type
Man, who cooked, shopped, cleaned and did laundry long before I met him,
can watch a football game without having to head-butt and hi-five people, who
enjoys antiquing and even likes "foof"-shopping, who has picked out
flowers he thinks are "beautiful" or "pretty," who gets out
of sorts if he hasn't been able to express his feelings, who is an awesome cook,
who has cried without hesitation in front of me and who has no problems showing
how he feels and expressing himself, who can't fix a car to save his life, who
has commented/corrected people on sexist behavior on a regular basis, who can't
do household repairs or even put together IKEA furniture, who doesn't even
NOTICE if I've gained or lost weight and thinks that skinny/tiny girl-women are
unappealing, who said that There Eyes Were Watching God is one of
the best books he's ever read, who buys Tori Amos and Sarah McLaughlin CDs and went to Lilith Fair, who
was as involved as me with wedding planning because the wedding was about both
of us, who picked out bed linens with me and is delighted with our new flowered
comforter cover, who usually drinks diet Coke instead of regular (and I never
drink diet Coke!), and who treats me with love and respect at all times, not
just for show! Now let me tell you a little about me, a woman who hates clothes
shopping and shoes and handbags and owns MAYBE four pairs of shoes at any given time (and two pair are
sneakers), who has a very diverse music collection and hates sappy love songs,
who has no desire to have kids any time soon if at all, who had no desire for a
"Barbie Dreamhouse Wedding" and CERTAINLY never pressured/tricked or
plotted to get THTM to "commit," who does not join in the
husband-bashing conversations that my younger cousins think are so cute and
funny (and are right along the lines of last night's "you're such a
guy!" comment), and who does not watch talk show or soap operas. I am not
saying this to try to convince anyone that I think me and THTM are, like,
ÜberGnarly or anything... merely to point out to the Lurking Writers that these
Estrogen/Testosterone relationship stereotypes are annoying, unhealthy, and, der,
usually inaccurate. Think of the younger viewers, PLEASE!
Are me and The Husband-Type Man SOULMATES? Are we MEANT to be together?
Whatever. Who cares? No, we do not psychically telecommunicate. No, he can't see his unborn
children in my eyes. No, I don't "just know" that we were together in
another lifetime. I DO know that we deeply love, respect and trust each other,
that we hold similar values and ethics, that he is intelligent, dynamic, goofy
and fun to be with, but also that he is responsible, trustworthy, honest and
genuine. We don't fight because he "has the mentality of a 13-year-old" or "isn't detail-oriented." We didn't have to compromise our
own value system in order to be together.
Writers, I would be so bold to say that that's closer to what "true
love" is than cowboy dreams and rescue fantasies, than "we're so
different we're alike!", than "you make me laugh" or "you've
given me more happiness than disappointments."
F'Gawd's sake, how much more full of myself could I be?! I'll shut up now.
But along the same lines, why, once again, did we get the tired stereotypes
of weddings and wedding planning being by women, for women? And the whole
"dream wedding" based on fantasies you had "ever since you were a
little girl"...? I mean, I'm only speaking for myself, but not only did I
get riiiiilly sick of that mentality whilst wedding planning in real life (i.e.
REAL LIFE, not "dreams from when I was a little girl"), but I'd also
be very afraid if I was upset if ANYTHING didn't turn out the way I imagined
from when I was a little girl. I mean, women get away with this "dream
wedding" vision in general, but can you imagine an adult complaining about
anything other than a wedding not being "like they dreamed when they
were little" and getting away with it? "I'm sorry, Ms./Mr. Boss, but
when I dreamed about working as a doctor when I was a little girl, it was
nothing like this!" "Hi, um, kids? See, when I dreamed about having
you when I was just a little girl, I didn't envision you being bad/having
health problems/getting into trouble with drugs/shooting people at your high
school, so can you, like, cut it out?" I mean, really.
Why was there that weirdly-focusing shot from Stevie sleeping on the couch to
the creamer on the table?
Why are the Hillsters all playing musical houses again? Asian Claire's going
from the beach house back to Casa Non-Walsh, Noah's going from Casa Non-Walsh to
the beach house, Gina's out of Dylan's hotel back to David's house, where Dylan
once lived.... Shouldn't someone on the show maybe invest in another house or
apartment somewhere to deal with the overflow? It was like the scavenger hunt
was some metaphorical game in reflection of who's-living-with-whom and
who's-sleeping-with-whom what with all the team-switching.
And speaking of houses, LawyerBoy's going to be living with newlyweds Asian
Claire and Stevie and their baby? What fun! I mean, I kinda don't think that
people should get married until they're financially independent. Ditto for
having a baby. So mebbe Stevie and Janet might want to, I don't know, GET THEIR
Was the baby's new room the Former Room at Casa Walsh, or Brandon's old room?
I couldn't tell. And, one more thing .... I'm not going to make any accusations
about the whole Turning a Room at Casa Walsh Into A Baby's Room scene or
anything, but... well... I give you excerpts from scene from Let's
Write Our Own Episde/330 (posted Jun 8, 19:31...i.e. WAY pre-Janet's-pregnancy
Scene: the Former room of Casa Walsh. You know, former...
Brinda's former room, Val's former room.... But now it has
a newer, higher purpose, for Kelly "Mrs. Brandon"
Walsh is running the show, decked out in her pseudo-grunge
overalls and sleeveless flannel shirt, paint-splattered artfully...
and now there's just a utility table with cans of paint and
rollers and glue and a paint-splattered tarp and rolls of
new wallpaper and ... Kelly's putting the finishing touches
on a lovely blue-and-yellow Ultra Laura Ashely bunny and ducky
wallpaper boarder, and the rest of the walls are blue and
yellow sponge-painted and the whole room looks kinda like
an Easter egg turned inside out and vomited upon by the Sunshine
Fairy.... And Kelly in her Trendy Youthful Upper Middle Class
Suburban Training-Matron overalls [says]... "C'mon, hurry,
we've got to finish up things here! .... [W]e don't have much
That's all I want to say.
No, I take that back.... I WILL commend the writers for having all this talk
about green paint and sparing us the Skeevy Stevie Horny Green comments I
So, Counterfeit Janet was a (Asian Claire) math major, huh? And was she at
school when she got the job at the so-called Beat (where no one seems to really
work anymore anyway)? Well, did she drop out? Graduate? When?
And speaking of no one working.... Why don't the writers at least PRETEND
that Now Wear This is open more than a couple hours here or there by, um, maybe
mentioning an additional sales staff other than Donna, Kelly and Gina. You know,
a throw-away comment about how "so-and-so is opening the store today"
"Yeah, I think she's [because it wouldn't be a guy, that'd be too much
Sexual Tension] working out really well. I'm glad we hired her." Or that
there's SOMEONE at the Beat doing SOMETHING: "I'm sure glad that new
reporter we hired is taking care of interviews today so I can paint the baby's
Okay... I've reduced this from a description-laden complaint to one simple
sentence because I couldn't stand having to remember it: WHY WHY WHY DID WE HAVE
TO SEE TOTALLY UN-FUH-NEE DONNANTICS ALL NIGHT?!?! Stop it, Tori! STOP IT!
And, speaking of the Scavenger Hunt, there were numerous levels of moronicacy
(tm me) reached. F'instance:
- The prize for the winner. I thought for sure the winners would get to be
Steve and Counterfeit Janet's witnesses/BM&MoH or something.
- The hunt was made up of "our friends"... didn't PodJanet have
any FRIENDS OF HER OWN THAT SHE'D WANT TO INVITE TO HER WEDDING?!?! Like the
bandmembers from the other week? Former classmates? I know, that'd mess up
the whole Hillster Only exclusivity of it all, but still....
- How and why did Stevie and Asian Claire plant all those clues at various
places of business and NOT ATTRACT ATTENTION FROM THE EMPLOYEES?! Like they
could manage to set up big balloons that say SCAVENGER HUNT in front of a
mattress store, hide clues IN THE STORE UNDER A BED, and the [stereotypical
caricature of a mattress-store] manager was totally oblivious?!
- Since when is it a "felony" to steal Christmas decorations,
LawyerBoy? Gee, you sure know your legal stuff! Wanna fight a case for me,
Big White Bread Stud? WHY is LawyerBoy SUCH a total doofus?!
- Would a cop really pull someone over for having an inflatable doll in the
car? I mean, I can see if they were using it to get into the carpool lane on
the 405 or something, but....
- Um, re: the whole copy shop thing.... The staff at the place might be a
weensy bit upset if you're standing on the copier... or sitting on it with
your bare butt. And did the clue specify an address for the copy place?
Because, like, there are TEN MILLION copy shops in LA. Trust me.
- Why did even a Scavenger Hunt have to turn into a Donna Martin is a WINNER
b.s.-fest? "My girl Donna" won, crows the old
Christmas-decorated-house woman?! Uch.
- And... the Christmas lights that decorated the wedding sight were
"something borrowed"? Nice how those colored lights turned white
when Nat got them all put up at the park in less than an hour or something,
huh? And where was the tinsel?
And the wedding. Well, surprisingly, I wasn't as offended by it as I could've
been. There was no "you're my best friend and we're meant to be
together" in the vows (Do you think this is a coincidence?!). It was
actually very pretty. In fact, the complaint that I have is that it was so quick
that there was no time for it to be impacting. They rushed right into the vows
and BAM! It was over. And I have to say, I anticipated Hijinx with Janet's ring
not fitting on her puffy finger.
That doesn't mean I don't have a few Wedding Whys:
- Why was Janet drinking champagne when she's pregnant?
- Why was her veil all weirdly stiff and sticking up?
- Why would Rush Sanders be on a SINGLES CRUISE? I'd think he'd have, like,
an expensive dating service or something. I know, I know, we can't have
parents intruding on a Hillster Wedding.
- Why, of course, did we get the Typical crap with the GIRL crying at the
wedding and SHE being "Mrs. Sanders" now and all that stuff. And
why did we get the Married ÜberCouple stuff, like now that they're married,
Steve and Janet represent All That a Relationship Can and Should Be.
Everyone wants to "end up like Steve and Janet." (Kelly, um
"I WANT THAT?!?" Shut up!!) Folks, I have it on good authority...
and I have examples to back me up! ... that Married does not = Happy! Stop
it! STOP IT! STOP IIIIIIT!
Okay, On to Andrew the Gay Other. It's appropriate that this was the
storyline after last Sunday's Gathering in which me, Gustave, Sars and screamin'
watched the old Gay KEG President episode, complete with Lucas-like
applause of Great Acceptance at the end. I'm just glad that the homosexual
community has Hillsters to stick up for them, to swing bats and file complaints
and speak out at frat meetings and write newspaper articles and all that.
What was with Dylan's oh-so-sensitive "don't you have an obligation to
the gay community" remark to Andrew... especially after Dylan had
oh-so-altruistically bagged his OWN community obligations by not volunteering at
the Beverly Glen Youth Center?! (p.s. just remember, I posted my episode about
Dylan and community involvement first!) I guess the gays and blacks and Latinos
and underprivileged children need the Hillsters to, as Andrew said, "take a
stand" for them. But I'm only repeating something that xix expressed
eloquently in his Wrap-Ups. Speaking of xix, that whole "and she saw our
one-bedroom apartment" bit sure sounded a lot like his wrap-up/NYD thing
when he came out to his dad.
Frankly, I find it hard to believe that in Southern California, anyone could
get away with as overt an act as firing someone because they are gay. Even if
they work with kids. I mean, LA is one of the most liberal cities in this
country. I'm not dumb enough to suggest there isn't extreme discrimination,
because there is. But I think that Patsy couldn't be quite so overt about her
firing Andrew. Gee. Can't WAIT to see what they're going to do with poor old
Andrew the Needy Gay Other next, but it's SURE to be groundbreaking and
And one last thing to bitch about.... Lap-dancing: is it or isn't it
You probably guessed I'd have an opinion on this, huh? Back to that stint
when I temped at an office for a company that ran 900#s....
Prior to my job, I was of the opinion that phone sex was gross, but, when I
got the temp job, I needed the money and it was the only place that would work
around my school schedule. Besides, it wasn't as if I was doing phone sex, or
was even in the same room, or same part of the building, as the people who were. I was just taking customer
service phone calls. And besides, as Noah argued last night, these women (and
men) are trying to earn a living any way they can. They aren't the victims...
they made the choice to do this kind of job. I told myself not to be so
judgmental, to give these people a break.
After nine months and meeting dozens and dozens of phone-sex operators (very
high turnover rate for employees), I'm not too convinced about the validity of
that old argument. First off, let me clarify, since I have an uncle who owns one
of the most popular strip clubs in LA (say hi to Charlie "Charles"
Sheen, everyone!), I know that strippers can make considerably more than the
average phone sex operator... or the average office temp. But there were still
operators who claimed that this was the only way that they could support their
families, blah blah blah.... Folks, they made $7 and hour, and about $10-$20
dollars a day in "bonuses" for keeping a customer on the line for more
than 15 minutes. You'd make more as a McDonald's manager. I MADE MORE AS THE
Anyway, I wrote my observations to a penpal friend, a compilation of which I present here (it
even includes the "soulmate" stuff):
There's just no effort towards self-improvement, education, self-discovery … and I'm not talking going to college, or things that would cost money. But
rather, there is a sense that most of the women (and men) are content to let
their current boyfriend do the supporting, a sort of "whatever"
attitude about life, constant complaining about the position they're in but with
no effort to change it, a lack of self-respect as well as lack of respect for
their "significant others"…. I simply cannot fathom the mind set of
some of my co-workers. I'm often tempted to ask them "Did you hear what
just came out of your mouth? Are you listening to what you're saying? Do you
realize what you're telling people?" I think the core problem is a lack of
I have to confess, after several months of objective observing, my notions
about low-class and white-trash people haven't changed or been challenged much.
The things I hear about the values and ethics of some of these girls/women blow
my mind. It makes me sad and angry at myself that I'm seeing these people and
their lifestyles/actions in such a class-hierarchy type of way, but on the other
hand, I can't ignore that their values and lifestyles are a direct result of
their upbringing. I can't count the number of times I've heard variations of
dialogues like "God, I hate my boyfriend so much. . . he's such an asshole.
. .he ___ (fill in the blank with: hit me, is in jail, came home drunk again,
was selling drugs again, etc.) . . ." "Well, why don't you dump
him?" I usually ask. "Oh, we're moving into a new apartment next week,
and I couldn't afford it on my own" or "I showed him. I fucked his
best friend" or "He's gonna buy me a car." One particular gem,
overheard today, was uttered from a woman with a 5-year-old daughter who moved
back down to LA to get away from her alcoholic boyfriend . . . All we heard for
the first couple weeks was what a loser he was and how glad she was to get away
. . . Today, she says he (or, as she now calls him, "her sweetie,") is
moving down here so they can get an apartment together, and they're engaged and-
"We're total soulmates, except for when he's drunk." I swear.
So many of these girl-women seem incredibly hardened, incredibly
dumb, or usually both. It's not just that they are in unhealthy/dysfunctional/abusive
relationships, but they usually have no personal ambition,
either. One is barely 19, and her boyfriend lives with her
and her mom. She dropped out of high school, and has little
(if any) real desire to get her diploma. She tells me all
the time that she hates her boyfriend (he was an ex that she
got back with after breaking up with another ex), but is moving
out with him this spring. She's very proud of the fact that
she "made" him buy her a second-hand car and that
he no longer hits her because she regularly "kicks his
ass." She calls him from work several times during her
shift, first to wake him up, then to tell him to do something
for her, then to tell him what they're doing tonight, then
to argue with him about it, then to see if he's still mad,
then- She also has the foulest mouth; surely she has a larger
vocabulary than "that's the bomb" and variations
on the word "fuck"? And she's always "bored"
here at work; she either plays solitaire or doodles on the
paint program on the computer when she isn't making phone
calls. I mean, we have internet access, for Gawd's sake! If
I'm not reading/studying/ working on papers, I can research
anything on there, or just look up things on literary theory
or Grad schools, or fun stuff like Duran and 90210 [note:
this is how and when I discovered Mediarama].She occasionally
looks up General Hospital web pages. She never brings in books;
sometimes a copy of a tabloid, or the Sunday paper for all
the sales ads. (Actually, I'm about the only person here who
does bring in books regularly.) Sometimes one of the operators
brings in a paperback romance (and I mean the kind sold monthly
at the grocery store). But reading material consists of the
tabloids and magazines: mostly Glamour, People and Cosmo,
but also very popular are the "True" magazines .
. . True Romance, True Love, True Whatever. I looked at 'em
once. Once. The "romance" story "Raped, Pregnant
and Paralyzed" made me ill. There are also
a fair share of x-rated mags that make the rounds. Hey, gotta
keep up on fantasy ideas for the callers, right?
My personal favorite amongst the Dumb Bimbos is the girl who was born in a
trailer park in Arkansas. . . and fulfills every stereotype contained therein.
She's 300+ lbs., dyed-blond and slutty. Her favorite hobby is "partying"
(in fact, she's protesting the fact that monitors have to work at least 2 out of
3 weekend shifts… she feels she should be able to party Fri., Sat., AND Sun.
night!). Best of all, she is most attracted to "convicts, because they've
had all this time to work out, so they're cut, and they're horny, perverted and
like to party." She think the "bald and tattooed" look is
attractive! What does that connote? Can you say "no self esteem
whatsoever?" Now, let's think about the fact that she will undubiously
reproduce with these cut, perverted convicts. Today she asked me if I was a
virgin! "Are you waiting until you're married? You seem the type." Okay. And this was even knowing Dan and I live together. I think she's probably
not the sharpest tool in the shed. She and the aforementioned operator are
friendly, or have mutual friends or something. I often overhear them talking
about friends of theirs who just had baby number 2, 3, etc. at age 20. Yesterday
it was the girl who had 3 kids already (by at least 2 different fathers) and had
moved on to a new guy (ex-con) and was pregnant with twins. She's 20.
But I think what I find most disgusting about this service, this whole place,
is that it not only caters to the unhealthy (and abusive) behaviors of the
callers (and employees), but it ENCOURAGES it. Yes, there is a market for
phone-sex, and yes, it makes tons of money and it's legal and all that, but how
can you rationalize the fact that you may have some guy calling up who wants his
phone "actress" to be submissive and weak so that he can get off on it
(or, shall we say, get off on feeling powerful)... and then he wants to play the
same "games" with his girlfriend/wife/live-in, associating sexual
pleasure with power... all stemming from the fact that he was abused as a kid
and felt weak himself then... etc., etc. That not only ignores the problem, but
it encourages the problematic/abusive behavior to continue - maybe even in an
ongoing cycle of abuse. Like, Dominant Man and Wimpy Girl have a kid. Dominant
Man was raised to believe that semi-quasi- (or even outright-) abusive behavior
is acceptable parenting technique. So you end up with kids who are (once again)
raised in a home that is emotionally hostile due to a father who screams and
yells (is "authoritative" or "strict") and a mother who is
passive and won't intervene. Or, better yet, DM has a daughter, and associates
his dominant fathering tactics with the same "control" he gets off on
in his sex life, and - bingo! - instant child molestation! I suppose my point is
that even though the "illegal" sexual behavior isn't encouraged by the
monitors, it still can prompt the same sort of potentially-dangerous situations.
My point? It's going to take a lot to convince me that ANYONE involved in the
sex industry is not a victim of something and is acting out because of that. I'm
not going to swallow the "just trying to earn a living" argument so
Is lap-dancing cheating? If it's done without your spouse's knowledge, if
you're sneaking or hiding it, if you know it would upset them, then yes, it is.
Did it bother me when The Husband-Type Man's friends dragged him to a strip club
and paid for a lap-dance for his bachelor party Lost Weekend in Vegas? No. Then again, THTM doesn't have a history of sexist
behavior and/or cheating on me. And I knew about it. Did it bother THTM when I
met Simon LeBon and plotzed all over the place when he kissed me twice (once per
cheek)? No. If I'd locked lips with the man and gone for a grope to assure
myself he never wears underwear... that'd be different. Bottom line: I feel that
any kind of sexual behavior AND/OR intimacy, especially if it is behind your
spouse's back, is cheating.
I'd like to, at this time, point out Davy's absolutely MORONIC statement of
"My daddy looked at a naked girl so Kelly's mommy kicked him out." Why
can't I smack Davy upside the head? With that baseball bat of Dylan's?
Oh, and speaking of Dylan, why didn't anyone notice his wrist brace (well,
except Kelly)? WHY WAS HE WRITING AND DRINKING USING HIS SUPPOSEDLY SPRAINED
And, finally, oh, oh... DYLAN AT KELLY AND BRANDON'S WEDDING?!
I'm done now. Promise. Really.
Could Dwanollah BE any more full of herself? Or long-winded?
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