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|:HOME:|:RANTS:|:DECEMBER 16, 1998:
"Marathon Man"
DECEMBER 16, 1998

I have two words for tonight.

Boring and Stupid. In no particular order.

I should’ve known it would be an irksome show right from the beginning, because...

Why did we have to start right out with Donnantics? In fact, why was the whole show centered around demonstrating how Saintly Donna is, how Loved Donna is, how Hardworking Donna is, how Altruistic and Warm-Hearted and Christ-like Donna is and I wouldn’t be surprised if we’d been shown a scene of the Hillsters all singing "Ave Donna" on Christmas morning.... Is it any accident that Donna, like Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day, huh?

What I want to know is, WHY is Donna so STUPID?! I know, I know, we’re supposed to see her actions as kind and loving and generous, but c’mon, peoples, how smart is it for St. Donna to give a fifteen-year-old girl (and a gang member, no less) a key to her store as a sign of "trust"? That’s like encouraging your dumb boyfriend to hang out alone with your slutty best friend and then being surprised when the worst happens. Heh. Anyway, like Sporty Spice needed a key to the store anyway, because she’s a MINOR f’Gawd’s sake, and it’s not like it’s legal for her to work past 8 or open or close a store without adult supervision in the first place.

And on that note of Retail Reality, why is there no safe in the store? Why would they leave money in the cash register overnight? I mean, how freaking stupid is that?

And more Retail Reality... it’s like the writers now are beating us over the head that Kelly doesn’t work at all. How many times did Kelly have to repeat "I’m going home" and "I’ll be at home if you need me" to Gina? And after the store got robbed, howzibaout Kelly demanding to know if the police report was "finished" so she could leave? At least we can thank Gina for pointing out that Kelly might kinda want to stick around instead of flitting off with Dylan because "it’s your store"! But this crap about rotating 2-hour shifts during the Christmas rush...? Does that make any kind of sense anyway, like, where would they go for two hours? Back home to the beach house? Hint: traffic in LA from Beverly Hills to the beach in Santa Monica (i.e. via Santa Monica Blvd.) on a good day would take about an hour... during Christmas, more like two. So mebbe they’d shop, but still, Christmas + Retail = Retail Hell. One person manning a store? Or even one person + Sporty Spice? Um, no way.

And speaking of Sporty Spice, uh, why would she and White Boy be sleeping right smack in the middle of Now Who Would Seriously Wear This Shit and not even behind the counter or anything, because it’s not like NO ONE COULD LOOK RIGHT THROUGH THE ALL OF STORE’S BIG GLASS WINDOWS AND NOT SEE THEM RIGHT THERE!

p.s. re: the Sporty Spice Gang: I am now convinced that, after their collective boyfriend was a white guy, that they are not supposed to be Chicanas. ‘Specially since Sporty’s sidekick looked like a cross between Morticia Adams and Felicity’s Goth-Baby Roommate. And I totally did not get the pregnancy-by-White-Boy as a ticket out of the gang.... Whaa? Was it, like, a race to get knocked up by him or something? And boy, Sporty sure did look like she’d been beat up bad, like, a little scratch on the lip and a red mark on her cheek…? Spare me. A real gang woulda painfully disfigured her. And like she’d be "out of the gang" that easy? Yeah. Right.

And what was up with the sudden revelation that "the security guard did it"? Why would Sporty be a "witness" if she wasn’t there? And if she WAS there, why didn’t she try to stop it, or call St. Donna or the police? Or was she getting her paper-cut on the lip from her gang in front of the coffee shop while the security guard was in the store trashing things for the fun of it?

And speaking of Chicanas and Mexicans and all that, how stupid was this whole Cabo San Lucas thing anyway, like, if Dylan supposedly just started doing drugs again, he already has in - what, a week? - all these regular contacts (including the guy to sell you stuff to hide your stash in, as if they wouldn’t be used to that sort of crap in Customs) ‘waaaay down the Baja peninsula, like, how inconvenient is it to hop a plane and fly for several hours to get your fix, man? Or if, like, Dylan’s been messed up for years (out of grief for Toni, natch), then was it just, like, a coincidence that he got approached in the alley last week by the friendly neighborhood heroin salesman?

And speaking of Mexicans even more, why do Americans like Dylan and Kelly have to go so overboard in pronouncing things with a Mexican accent, like that SNL skit with "tor-nah-dos" and all that. How come while shopping in Mexico, there was no haggling over prices of anything? And no little kids selling "chicle" or whatever? Why was Dylan was all rubbing the fertility goddess’s tits? I guess we should just be grateful we were spared the informative "Cabo San Lucas" at the bottom of the screen during the scene-setting clips. "Say ‘ass’ " is right, muchacho....

Why did Dylan have to appropriate Brandon’s "Johnny tell ‘em what they’ve won" schtick?

Why were Kelly and Dylan all talking in circles re: their relationship during "brunch"? I got a headache trying to follow the whole insidious mess...."I need to know where you think we stand?" and "You tell me where we stand" and then "No, let’s go have fun" and especially "Anyone else would be strange but with you it’s charming" when Kelly kept saying she couldn’t believe they were in Mexico...? Manic much?

And speaking of talking in circles, why did Kelly all of a sudden decide that she "rilly cares about Lawyer-Boy" but doesn’t think to mention this until after a full day and evening of cavorting around Cabo with Dylan "Rebel Without a Cause or a House or a Car or Much of Anything" McKay?

Why does no one - not even Davy the Former Speed Junkie - notice that Dylan is high? Even Gina, who keeps commenting "you gonna blink?" doesn’t seem to notice that it’s because Dylan’s high, not because he has really super-dooper tear ducts or something.

And, like with Kelly never working, WHY do the writers have to beat us over the head with Dylan, THE ALCOHOLIC drinking in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE and not one of his friends even say "Hey Dylan when’d you start drinking"? Gosh, I guess Brandon was the only one who was really looking out for Dylan….

Why is Gina now sorta-dating Davy? Why does every New Evil Slutty Girl have to make the rounds of every Hillster boy? At least with Val it took a couple seasons, not just a couple shows.

When Noah was talking to Skeevy Stevie at the Peach Pit, why did he look so much like he wanted to make out with him ‘til their lips are numb? And speaking of Noah talking, did I actually hear him tell Gina to get a cake with "blue chocolate"...?

Why would Lawyer-Boy discourage Stevie from printing something that might bring about lawsuits, ‘cos it seems like that’s the only way he makes a living... fighting cases for Hillsters. And speaking of Lawyer Boy, are his money troubles miraculously over now the same way Noah’s drinking problem is?

And speaking of Lawyer-Boy, why is he such a doofus? Just watching him gallumph about in the opening credits is painful. And his clothes? "He’s wearing a brown thin-cotton v-neck sweater over a blue button down shirt and khaki pants- no he’s not retarded!" But at least we know he’s all down-to-earth, because he likes greasy-spoon taco stands w/99-cent burritos, thus supporting the local Mexican-American economy as well.

And speaking of retarded doofuses, why does Davy have to laugh like a total moron when he was talking to Brian Setzer (who, incidentally, I really dig. In fact, I really dig swing anyway, and I don’t care if it’s trendy right now or not, I like it and it kicks much ass, and I’ve liked it since way before it was trendy and I’ll like it even after it’s "out" again. So there.)

Why an AIDS fundraiser, and no mention of Jimmy or Val’s close call?

Why were we subjected to the return of Mr. No-First-Name "The Lead Singer of Smashmouth or Blues Travelers or Something Look-Alike" Muntz? Loved how that Steve-getting-Muntz-too-drunk-to-dance plot panned out. Yeah.

And speaking of the dance contest, how did Lawyer Boy "Not Even Pretty Fly for a White Guy" Matt and his new partner (like, breaking dance contest rules much?) end up being the other finalists in the marathon? Why did Kelly just hang around all night? Why did no one look like they’d been dancing for longer than 5 minutes? I mean, one of my best pals has been swing-dancing for years, and he Lindy-hops and does all the aerial stuff and believe you me, if you don’t dance like that on an almost daily basis like he does, after a half-hour, you are a mess.

And speaking of dancing, why did Kelly and Matt and Stevie and Janet look so stupid on the dance floor trying so hard to swing and not succeeding in the least. Losers. And watching Lawyer-Boy’s pelvic thrusting during "Dirty Boogie" was sick-making (TM xix).

I live for Janet bashing Stevie. Why doesn’t she do it more often? And why, at the end, were we subjected to Stevie’s repeated grunting and chortling "Gimme some sugar" and mauling her? Why didn’t Janet knee him in his beady testes and get it over with. Oh, right, because no woman can resist a Hillster Boy.

Why, now that Donna’s hair is fairly normal (well, ‘cept for those weird butterfly things), has Kelly’s gone haywire in tubular curls and bobby-pin abuse and stuff?

But, to get back to all my WHYning about how stupid Donna is....

Why was there such a super-abundance of Pathetically Naive Sweet N’ Innocent Donna Logic tonight? "I’m just giving her a chance" and "it’s Christmas" and "Sporty, don’t ever doink your boyfriend on the floor of my store again, okay? Promise me it won’t happen again." And why, if Donna supposedly "supports" and "cares about" Sporty so much would she all spinelessly let Noah just barge into her store and fire Sporty and not even speak up or tell him to shut up or interject or anything but look all sad and tearful and just whimper "You don’t have to go" all non-assertively while her boyfriend tells her who’s who and what’s what?

And speaking of stupid things Donna said, howzibaout "Noah’s busy prepping for the marathon"... PREPPING FOR THE MARATHON? Donna, you prep lettuce and tomato slices at your local fast-food joint, not dances.

And as for Donnantics, HOW MANY TIMES did we have to see Donna bounce and giggle and bleat and roll her eyes and jump up and down some more and clap her hands together and all that during her surprise part?

And WHY did Noah magically make it snow for Donna, when all that meant was that we would be forced to witness even more giggling and simpering and gooey Donna Sticky-Smiles and pawing? Uch.

And then, after a whole hour’s barrage of Donna the Saintly and Donna the Wondrous and Donna the She’s Every Woman and Donna the New Oprah, why do we have to endure even more of Donna’s Essential Goodness via Gina’s jealous outburst about "Donna this and Donna that" because Donna is only stalked by guys because she is so beautiful and Donna is only abused by her boyfriends because she is such a gentle, loving soul, and Donna is only taken advantage of because she just wants to give people a chance and Donna is only the target of jealously in order to emphatically underscore the fact that SHE IS SO FUCKING PERFECT AND GOOD AND TALENTED AND LOVABLE AND EVERYTHING THAT TORI SPELLING NEEDS TO BE CONTANTLY REAFFIREMED ABOUT SO THAT THE SHOW HAS TURNED INTO A SHOWCASE FOR TORI’S INSECURITY? I mean, Tori, it’d be a lot cheaper... and a lot nicer for us... if you’d just invest in some dumb Louise Hay tapes and get a therapist or something.

What sums up the whole show was when Kelly said something to Lawyer-Boy about "painful, grueling, agonizing".... like, thanks for the warning, Kelly, but it came too late.

I have a headache....



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