I have two words for tonight.
Boring and Stupid. In no particular order.
I should’ve known it would be an irksome show right from the beginning,
Why did we have to start right out with Donnantics? In fact, why was the
whole show centered around demonstrating how Saintly Donna is, how Loved Donna
is, how Hardworking Donna is, how Altruistic and Warm-Hearted and Christ-like
Donna is and I wouldn’t be surprised if we’d been shown a scene of the
Hillsters all singing "Ave Donna" on Christmas morning.... Is it any
accident that Donna, like Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day, huh?
What I want to know is, WHY is Donna so STUPID?! I know, I know, we’re
supposed to see her actions as kind and loving and generous, but c’mon,
peoples, how smart is it for St. Donna to give a fifteen-year-old girl (and a
gang member, no less) a key to her store as a sign of "trust"? That’s
like encouraging your dumb boyfriend to hang out alone with your slutty best friend
and then being surprised when the worst
happens. Heh. Anyway, like Sporty Spice needed a key to the store
anyway, because she’s a MINOR f’Gawd’s sake, and it’s not like it’s
legal for her to work past 8 or open or close a store without adult supervision
in the first place.
And on that note of Retail Reality, why is there no safe in the store? Why
would they leave money in the cash register overnight? I mean, how freaking
stupid is that?
And more Retail Reality... it’s like the writers now are beating us over
the head that Kelly doesn’t work at all. How many times did Kelly have to
repeat "I’m going home" and "I’ll be at home if you need
me" to Gina? And after the store got robbed, howzibaout Kelly demanding to
know if the police report was "finished" so she could leave? At least
we can thank Gina for pointing out that Kelly might kinda want to stick around
instead of flitting off with Dylan because "it’s your store"! But
this crap about rotating 2-hour shifts during the Christmas rush...? Does that
make any kind of sense anyway, like, where would they go for two hours? Back
home to the beach house? Hint: traffic in LA from Beverly Hills to the beach in Santa Monica
(i.e. via Santa Monica Blvd.) on a good day would take about an hour... during
Christmas, more like two. So mebbe they’d shop, but still, Christmas + Retail
= Retail Hell. One person manning a store? Or even one person + Sporty Spice?
Um, no way.
And speaking of Sporty Spice, uh, why would she and White Boy be sleeping
right smack in the middle of Now Who Would Seriously Wear This Shit and not even
behind the counter or anything, because it’s not like NO ONE COULD LOOK RIGHT
THROUGH THE ALL OF STORE’S BIG GLASS WINDOWS AND NOT SEE THEM RIGHT THERE!
p.s. re: the Sporty Spice Gang: I am now convinced that, after their
collective boyfriend was a white guy, that they are not supposed to be Chicanas.
‘Specially since Sporty’s sidekick looked like a cross between Morticia
Adams and Felicity’s Goth-Baby Roommate. And I totally did not get the
pregnancy-by-White-Boy as a ticket out of the gang.... Whaa? Was it, like, a
race to get knocked up by him or something? And boy, Sporty sure did look like
she’d been beat up bad, like, a little scratch on the lip and a red mark on
her cheek…? Spare me. A real gang woulda painfully disfigured her. And like
she’d be "out of the gang" that easy? Yeah. Right.
And what was up with the sudden revelation that "the security guard did
it"? Why would Sporty be a "witness" if she wasn’t there? And
if she WAS there, why didn’t she try to stop it, or call St. Donna or the
police? Or was she getting her paper-cut on the lip from her gang in front of
the coffee shop while the security guard was in the store trashing things for
the fun of it?
And speaking of Chicanas and Mexicans and all that, how stupid was this whole
Cabo San Lucas thing anyway, like, if Dylan supposedly just started doing drugs
again, he already has in - what, a week? - all these regular contacts (including
the guy to sell you stuff to hide your stash in, as if they wouldn’t be used
to that sort of crap in Customs) ‘waaaay down the Baja peninsula, like, how
inconvenient is it to hop a plane and fly for several hours to get your fix,
man? Or if, like, Dylan’s been messed up for years (out of grief for Toni,
natch), then was it just, like, a coincidence that he got approached in the
alley last week by the friendly neighborhood heroin salesman?
And speaking of Mexicans even more, why do Americans like Dylan and Kelly
have to go so overboard in pronouncing things with a Mexican accent, like that
SNL skit with "tor-nah-dos" and all that. How come while shopping in
Mexico, there was no haggling over prices of anything? And no little kids
selling "chicle" or whatever? Why was Dylan was all
rubbing the fertility goddess’s tits? I guess we should just be grateful we
were spared the informative "Cabo San Lucas" at the bottom of the
screen during the scene-setting clips. "Say ‘ass’ " is right,
Why did Dylan have to appropriate Brandon’s "Johnny tell ‘em what
they’ve won" schtick?
Why were Kelly and Dylan all talking in circles re: their relationship during
"brunch"? I got a headache trying to follow the whole insidious
mess...."I need to know where you think we stand?" and "You tell me
where we stand" and then "No, let’s go have fun" and especially "Anyone
else would be strange but with you it’s charming" when Kelly kept saying
she couldn’t believe they were in Mexico...? Manic much?
And speaking of talking in circles, why did Kelly all of a sudden decide that
she "rilly cares about Lawyer-Boy" but doesn’t think to mention this
until after a full day and evening of cavorting around Cabo with Dylan
"Rebel Without a Cause or a House or a Car or Much of Anything" McKay?
Why does no one - not even Davy the Former Speed Junkie - notice that Dylan
is high? Even Gina, who keeps commenting "you gonna blink?" doesn’t
seem to notice that it’s because Dylan’s high, not because he has really
super-dooper tear ducts or something.
And, like with Kelly never working, WHY do the writers have to beat us over
the head with Dylan, THE ALCOHOLIC drinking in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE and not one
of his friends even say "Hey Dylan when’d you start drinking"? Gosh,
I guess Brandon was the only one who was really looking out for Dylan….
Why is Gina now sorta-dating Davy? Why does every New Evil Slutty Girl have
to make the rounds of every Hillster boy? At least with Val it took a couple
seasons, not just a couple shows.
When Noah was talking to Skeevy Stevie at the Peach Pit, why did he look so
much like he wanted to make out with him ‘til their lips are numb? And
speaking of Noah talking, did I actually hear him tell Gina to get a cake with
Why would Lawyer-Boy discourage Stevie from printing something that might
bring about lawsuits, ‘cos it seems like that’s the only way he makes a
living... fighting cases for Hillsters. And speaking of Lawyer Boy, are his
money troubles miraculously over now the same way Noah’s drinking problem is?
And speaking of Lawyer-Boy, why is he such a doofus? Just watching him
gallumph about in the opening credits is painful. And his clothes? "He’s
wearing a brown thin-cotton v-neck sweater over a blue button down shirt and
khaki pants- no he’s not retarded!" But at least we know he’s all
down-to-earth, because he likes greasy-spoon taco stands w/99-cent burritos,
thus supporting the local Mexican-American economy as well.
And speaking of retarded doofuses, why does Davy have to laugh like a total
moron when he was talking to Brian Setzer (who, incidentally, I really dig. In
fact, I really dig swing anyway, and I don’t care if it’s trendy right now
or not, I like it and it kicks much ass, and I’ve liked it since way before it
was trendy and I’ll like it even after it’s "out" again. So
Why an AIDS fundraiser, and no mention of Jimmy or Val’s close call?
Why were we subjected to the return of Mr. No-First-Name "The Lead
Singer of Smashmouth or Blues Travelers or Something Look-Alike" Muntz?
Loved how that Steve-getting-Muntz-too-drunk-to-dance plot panned out. Yeah.
And speaking of the dance contest, how did Lawyer Boy "Not Even Pretty
Fly for a White Guy" Matt and his new partner (like, breaking dance contest
rules much?) end up being the other finalists in the marathon? Why did Kelly
just hang around all night? Why did no one look like they’d been dancing for
longer than 5 minutes? I mean, one of my best pals has been swing-dancing for
years, and he Lindy-hops and does all the aerial stuff and believe you me, if
you don’t dance like that on an almost daily basis like he does, after a
half-hour, you are a mess.
And speaking of dancing, why did Kelly and Matt and Stevie and Janet look so
stupid on the dance floor trying so hard to swing and not succeeding in the
least. Losers. And watching Lawyer-Boy’s pelvic thrusting during "Dirty
Boogie" was sick-making (TM xix).
I live for Janet bashing Stevie. Why doesn’t she do it more often? And why,
at the end, were we subjected to Stevie’s repeated grunting and chortling
"Gimme some sugar" and mauling her? Why didn’t Janet knee him in his
beady testes and get it over with. Oh, right, because no woman can resist a
Why, now that Donna’s hair is fairly normal (well, ‘cept for those weird
butterfly things), has Kelly’s gone haywire in tubular curls and bobby-pin
abuse and stuff?
But, to get back to all my WHYning about how stupid Donna is....
Why was there such a super-abundance of Pathetically Naive Sweet N’
Innocent Donna Logic tonight? "I’m just giving her a chance" and
"it’s Christmas" and "Sporty, don’t ever doink your boyfriend
on the floor of my store again, okay? Promise me it won’t happen again."
And why, if Donna supposedly "supports" and "cares about"
Sporty so much would she all spinelessly let Noah just barge into her store and
fire Sporty and not even speak up or tell him to shut up or interject or
anything but look all sad and tearful and just whimper "You don’t have to
go" all non-assertively while her boyfriend tells her who’s who and what’s
And speaking of stupid things Donna said, howzibaout "Noah’s busy
prepping for the marathon"... PREPPING FOR THE MARATHON? Donna, you prep
lettuce and tomato slices at your local fast-food joint, not dances.
And as for Donnantics, HOW MANY TIMES did we have to see Donna bounce and
giggle and bleat and roll her eyes and jump up and down some more and clap her
hands together and all that during her surprise part?
And WHY did Noah magically make it snow for Donna, when all that meant was
that we would be forced to witness even more giggling and simpering and gooey
Donna Sticky-Smiles and pawing? Uch.
And then, after a whole hour’s barrage of Donna the Saintly and Donna the
Wondrous and Donna the She’s Every Woman and Donna the New Oprah, why do we
have to endure even more of Donna’s Essential Goodness via Gina’s jealous
outburst about "Donna this and Donna that" because Donna is only
stalked by guys because she is so beautiful and Donna is only abused by her
boyfriends because she is such a gentle, loving soul, and Donna is only taken
advantage of because she just wants to give people a chance and Donna is only
the target of jealously in order to emphatically underscore the fact that SHE IS
SO FUCKING PERFECT AND GOOD AND TALENTED AND LOVABLE AND EVERYTHING THAT TORI
SPELLING NEEDS TO BE CONTANTLY REAFFIREMED ABOUT SO THAT THE SHOW HAS TURNED
INTO A SHOWCASE FOR TORI’S INSECURITY? I mean, Tori, it’d be a lot
cheaper... and a lot nicer for us... if you’d just invest in some dumb Louise Hay
tapes and get a therapist or something.
What sums up the whole show was when Kelly said something to Lawyer-Boy about
"painful, grueling, agonizing".... like, thanks for the warning,
Kelly, but it came too late.
I have a headache....
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